I can't see the wood for the trees right now and not sure whether what I'm feeling is reasonable or if it's just worse because I'm so tired and drained looking after my toddler. I posted about our situation recently as I'm currently a SAHP against my wishes after my work dried up in Covid. Husband works long hours and we've had no childcare or family support. Anyway, after that post we are definitely sorting out some childcare but it won't be until the new year.
Alongside all that I feel frustrated as I feel I do everything round the house. He does work long hours in a quite stressful corporate job. But I still feel I do everything.
After the last post I told my husband how depressed and down I was feeling. He sometimes asks what he can do to support me but it never occurs to him to do more round the house.
Example that has made me feel so angry this morning... he gets our toddler up, dressed and breakfasted on weekdays. This takes 30 minutes and allows me to shower and get ready before I take over for the rest of the day. He used to empty the dishwasher whilst toddler was eating but has recently stopped doing it. He said it's impossible to do whilst looking after toddler. He also said he's stressing about work and checking emails on his phone at that time. He also never tidies away the stuff he's used to make toddlers porridge, or the bowls etc. so when I come through the kitchen is a total mess and dishwasher still full.
Before we had kids we did the Fair Play exercise from the book. DH always did bins and empty dishwasher. We pay a cleaner for 2hrs a week. Now he's stopped doing the dishwasher. He is busy and stressed at work but it irritates me.
I drive but he doesn't and over Xmas I am doing two consecutive days of driving to friends places 2-3 hrs away. He is going to learn but hasn't yet - made difficult by covid, to be fair. No doubt I will also do all the cooking.
Also he doesn't cook. Grew up in a home where his mum did everything and dad sat around. His sisters know how to cook but none of the sons. He knows it's really bad and doesn't want our child to grow up in that environment. He is generally not an arsehole. He fully supports me going back to work if I want to. He does contribute where he can I guess. But it's tiresome that I always do cooking. During the week he works till late so I do dinner anyway as he's still at his desk. At weekends I want a day off cooking so we always get takeaway. I feel he could occasionally say "I'm in control of dinner" even if it's just a healthy ready meal and a bowl of salad.
As I said in my last post, the resentment and communication has been bad, mainly because of my depression and feeling crap / tiredness, and lack of any other childcare. So I know this is clouding my judgement.
We often end up arguing these days because of this, but we are also good at communicating once we get a moment and can sit down. However this quality time is so limited.
We were frustrated with each other this morning and now there's a horrible atmosphere which I can't see resolving until we get quality time together - no idea when. I was angry about the kitchen. I also asked him to do a small errand to pick a parcel up from Nextdoor as he was popping out for a coffee. He couldn't find the parcel even though it had been left out on the step for us, and so I said I'd go and check myself and he made a massive deal about it and said there was no time to do all this abs I should do it later. I wanted to pick it up in case it got stolen (as has happened). I said I was struggling not to feel angry with him and he said he feels really angry with me - but I don't even get why or what I've done.
He gets very very defensive so there no point in pointing out all his flaws in a list, it will just make us both dig our heels in.
I don't know how to communicate this without causing a row. I also genuinely don't know if IABU about the chores etc given his long hours.
What do other couples do where one works really long hours?