Communication with husband - again - angry

[VideoKilled]

I can't see the wood for the trees right now and not sure whether what I'm feeling is reasonable or if it's just worse because I'm so tired and drained looking after my toddler. I posted about our situation recently as I'm currently a SAHP against my wishes after my work dried up in Covid. Husband works long hours and we've had no childcare or family support. Anyway, after that post we are definitely sorting out some childcare but it won't be until the new year.

Alongside all that I feel frustrated as I feel I do everything round the house. He does work long hours in a quite stressful corporate job. But I still feel I do everything.

After the last post I told my husband how depressed and down I was feeling. He sometimes asks what he can do to support me but it never occurs to him to do more round the house.

Example that has made me feel so angry this morning... he gets our toddler up, dressed and breakfasted on weekdays. This takes 30 minutes and allows me to shower and get ready before I take over for the rest of the day. He used to empty the dishwasher whilst toddler was eating but has recently stopped doing it. He said it's impossible to do whilst looking after toddler. He also said he's stressing about work and checking emails on his phone at that time. He also never tidies away the stuff he's used to make toddlers porridge, or the bowls etc. so when I come through the kitchen is a total mess and dishwasher still full.

Before we had kids we did the Fair Play exercise from the book. DH always did bins and empty dishwasher. We pay a cleaner for 2hrs a week. Now he's stopped doing the dishwasher. He is busy and stressed at work but it irritates me.

I drive but he doesn't and over Xmas I am doing two consecutive days of driving to friends places 2-3 hrs away. He is going to learn but hasn't yet - made difficult by covid, to be fair. No doubt I will also do all the cooking.

Also he doesn't cook. Grew up in a home where his mum did everything and dad sat around. His sisters know how to cook but none of the sons. He knows it's really bad and doesn't want our child to grow up in that environment. He is generally not an arsehole. He fully supports me going back to work if I want to. He does contribute where he can I guess. But it's tiresome that I always do cooking. During the week he works till late so I do dinner anyway as he's still at his desk. At weekends I want a day off cooking so we always get takeaway. I feel he could occasionally say "I'm in control of dinner" even if it's just a healthy ready meal and a bowl of salad.

As I said in my last post, the resentment and communication has been bad, mainly because of my depression and feeling crap / tiredness, and lack of any other childcare. So I know this is clouding my judgement.

We often end up arguing these days because of this, but we are also good at communicating once we get a moment and can sit down. However this quality time is so limited.

We were frustrated with each other this morning and now there's a horrible atmosphere which I can't see resolving until we get quality time together - no idea when. I was angry about the kitchen. I also asked him to do a small errand to pick a parcel up from Nextdoor as he was popping out for a coffee. He couldn't find the parcel even though it had been left out on the step for us, and so I said I'd go and check myself and he made a massive deal about it and said there was no time to do all this abs I should do it later. I wanted to pick it up in case it got stolen (as has happened). I said I was struggling not to feel angry with him and he said he feels really angry with me - but I don't even get why or what I've done.

He gets very very defensive so there no point in pointing out all his flaws in a list, it will just make us both dig our heels in.

I don't know how to communicate this without causing a row. I also genuinely don't know if IABU about the chores etc given his long hours.

What do other couples do where one works really long hours?

OP get yourself a job.

He's falling into the pattern of how he was brought up so the first thing you need to do is get a job.

The next thing is to tell and make him buck up his ideas on parenting and running a household by getting him to act. For example start doing things like not booking your child in for soft play and leave it for him to sort out if he's taking your child out. Unless he specifically asks you to drive somewhere and you agree make yourself busy at the time he wants to go somewhere and choose an activity where you can't be disturbed. Make food - notice I don't say cook - for your toddler and then something else for yourself in the evening, then tell him you are busy doing something/going somewhere so he needs to sort himself out and clean up afterwards.

Also arrange date nights in the house and sort out who does it alternately. Tell him you want a home cooked meal for a night he's sorting out. Then as long as it isn't going to poison you eat the food and be encouraging.

@RantyAunty You have absolutely no idea what job OP's husband does. My DH works at a desk on his bum but has a lot of responsibility and pressure (hence him being on longterm medication) . It's not just men who say their jobs are busy and stressful - I've heard plenty of women say the same! Just because you've done a job that lots of men do doesn't mean you're an expert on ALL jobs.

It sounds like it's the communication that is missing. We had similar problems and couples therapy really helped, but since that finished we have always set aside an hour on a Monday evening over dinner to discuss the relationship and any frustrations that have come up over the week so that they don't get bottled up. I also recommend reading the Gorman Institute daily emails (they're free).

My DH also works a full-on senior job and I wasn't working and it is very hard. You will probably feel so much better once you get back to work!

Seriously - some of the posters on here. Yes OP's husband should learn to drive and cook. OP could step back from booking soft play sessions etc but come on! Her DH sounds like a decent bloke. He works long hours, he takes care of the child in the morning. He shares child care at weekends (as he should I know). OP is a SAHM with a cleaner, one child and will have childcare after Christmas. I'm not saying it's easy to be with a toddler all day, it's not. But I do feel it's fair for the stay at home parent (whether it's the mum or dad) to do most domestic stuff during the week. My dad was the SAHP while my mum worked and he did all the cooking, cleaning etc.

Tell him he needs to sort dishwasher again even if it's after you've come down and he goes up to work a little late. If that's very inconvenient for him I'm sure he'll manage to do it when he's doing breakfast if the inconvenience is on him. At weekends start cooking dinner together. Then he can learn as he helps you and eventually can take over.

Objectively I'm afraid, you have a good deal. One child, a cleaner, your dh does childcare morning and of a weekend. So, objectively, that's a really good deal.

But, you don't like it. Which is absolutely fine.

Short term solution - have fun teaching him to cook. Maybe cook together over a bottle of wine once you dc is in bed. Teach him a meal or two.

Long term solution - you sound like your family would function better if you found a job, a different career if covid doesn't fit your previous one.

This is a tricky situation, which probably wouldn't be helped by you getting a job. I think the frustration would just multiply as I don't think your DH would do any more in the house than he already is. His situation with his workload would stay the same so he would not see any reason for change. Particularly since he doesn't know how to do a lot of the things that is basic knowledge for adults, such as cooking, driving, organising days out, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to learn. The driving for example, you said the pandemic has made it harder for him to learn. I know three 17 year olds who have started driving and passed their tests in this pandemic. Your DH has not even got his provisional licence yet.

The solution here is not that you need to get a job, and that would magically make your DH step up. He needs to step up first, then you can get a job. Otherwise your resentment will just cause you to split, because you will look at it and think you do everything, and he adds nothing to your life.

Can’t cook?

For Christmas, Buy him Jamie Oliver’s 5 ingredient cook book and the opportunity to make dinner every Saturday.

FWIW My mum taught me nothing and we were a ready meal beige family growing up.

It never ever occurred for me that was a reason for me not to pick up a recipe book and start.

Seriously - some of the posters on here. Yes OP's husband should learn to drive and cook. OP could step back from booking soft play sessions etc but come on! Her DH sounds like a decent bloke. He works long hours, he takes care of the child in the morning. He shares child care at weekends (as he should I know). OP is a SAHM with a cleaner, one child and will have childcare after Christmas. I'm not saying it's easy to be with a toddler all day, it's not. But I do feel it's fair for the stay at home parent (whether it's the mum or dad) to do most domestic stuff during the week. My dad was the SAHP while my mum worked and he did all the cooking, cleaning etc.

This.

And @RantyAunty your comment shows huge naivety. We don't know what the Op's DH does, but she tells us it's long hours in a quite stressful corporate job. Since when did sitting at a computer mean your job can't be stressful?

For me it always comes down to - you should both get the same amount of down time.

I think you're being a tad unfair. Do you have equal leisure time? It sounds like you do, or even that you would have more. Your husband getting up with your toddler every weekday and then starting work straight away means that he essentially has no break until his lunch hour. Combined with the fact you have a cleaner, I'm not really sure what the problem is here.

The only thing that is unfair is that he doesn't cook. That's not really acceptable

You don’t know you’re born OP. I think you’re projecting your dissatisfaction with life onto your husband. And you are not appreciating his input which is above and beyond to be quite honest.
He gets up and dresses and feeds the toddler every day while you “shower”? Why? Why can’t you get up before the toddler and shower then see to the child? Or why would you moan he didn’t empty the dishwasher or wash the breakfast dishes? What have you got to do the rest of the day that means you can’t? Oh yeah- the toddler. That HE should be able to work around but you can’t?
And a cleaner? I have no words… what is it you actually do?

@LowlyTheWorm

You don’t know you’re born OP. I think you’re projecting your dissatisfaction with life onto your husband. And you are not appreciating his input which is above and beyond to be quite honest. He gets up and dresses and feeds the toddler every day while you “shower”? Why? Why can’t you get up before the toddler and shower then see to the child? Or why would you moan he didn’t empty the dishwasher or wash the breakfast dishes? What have you got to do the rest of the day that means you can’t? Oh yeah- the toddler. That HE should be able to work around but you can’t? And a cleaner? I have no words… what is it you actually do?

I kind of agree with this.

You’re at home, he’s working long hours. Office jobs are still stressful! The vast majority of housework / child stuff should fall to you as you’re the stay at home parent. You should both have the same amount of “down time” and go from there.

I should add - since you asked for experiences- my dh works long hours. I am a sahm, my son is 9 and has autism and learning disabilities so isn’t the typical “at school all day” child, he’s often home 2/3 days a week as his current complex needs placement isn’t working (long story). I also have multiple disabilities myself. I do everything at home. Bins, laundry, dishwasher, cleaning etc etc etc. Dinner ready every night for everyone (dd aged 18 is at university so isn’t here but will be home next week). Dh doesn’t do anything during the week except work and that’s fine, I don’t expect him to. He does however help / play with Ds when he gets home - equal parenting etc. At the weekends we do split the chores between us as we’re both home, both do the dishwasher etc etc. We’ve been married 15 years and it works for us. We both have equal free time and equal spending money.

@Herecomesthesun70

My DH couldn't cook. It drive me mad doing all the meal planning shopping cooking then washing We started on hello fresh and Gousto during lockdown and he started helping me now he's making the meals himself. The recipes are step by step and foolproof. Get involved so he can make the dinner some nights

Snap - my husband started doing lots of the cooking once we started getting Gousto.

I think there's a difference between taking on tasks - cooking, booking things etc. - and downright disrespect to another human being, which I class as leaving dirty dishes around and not tidying up your own mess.

I'd concentrate on the latter first. For things like soft play, I think it's fine that you book it, but leave him to pack the bag so he learns not to forget nappies etc. plus even if he does men seem to get away with borrowing stuff and saying they've forgotten things in a way women do not.

There's a huge amount of gaslighting in saying he can't cook. No functional adult is incapable of making a meal. There are literally YouTube videos for how to chop an onion or boil pasta. The translation for that is "fuck you wife I'm not doing the cooking".

Making porridge and leaving all the stuff out like a little kid is also a "Fuck-you".

I think your depression is clouding your judgment.

It's making you feel tired and overwhelmed by very simple tasks. For example, booking a soft play slot and putting a snack and drink in the toddler's bag. I mean that's hardly a mental load but it feels like you're drowning because you're depressed.
You're taking this out on your husband. For example; he gets toddler up, fed and entertained every morning yet you focus on a breakfast bowl when you come downstairs and feel irrationally angry.

Seek help for your depression and medication if necessary. This is an unpleasant atmosphere for your child.

There is no mention of any enjoyment in spending time with your dc. In fact, he's almost referred to as a chore or burden and you're a "SAHM against your will". It's sad you can't enjoy your child more.

I hope things improve. Everything will be easier to cope with once you come out of the fog of depression

@Coffeetree

There's a huge amount of gaslighting in saying he can't cook. No functional adult is incapable of making a meal. There are literally YouTube videos for how to chop an onion or boil pasta. The translation for that is "fuck you wife I'm not doing the cooking".

Making porridge and leaving all the stuff out like a little kid is also a "Fuck-you".

Alternatively, it's an 'I've done as much as I can and I really must start work now'.

Agree that he needs to learn how to cook. One meal at the weekend wouldn't be too much to ask (although the fact OP gets takeaway rather mitigates that).
But overall it sounds like DP is more than pulling his weight. Does OP do the early mornings at the weekend so DP gets a lie in?

i think you do have a depression filter on this all @VideoKilled, look at this objectively, you know that your situation is not bad, but it's that YOU are not happy so your depression is looking for things to latch on to.

Your H is doing his bit in the mornings, honestly - I've been a lone parent with a shitty family to boot and in some horrible locations/situations and i managed. You can manage, logistically you know you can, so rather than let depression skew your thinking and lump all this together, pull the mountain of issues apart and take each issue in turn.

The leaving the toddler things for you to clean - that would annoy me, potentially irrationally so - I sympathise - explain to him that if you leave porridge it sets like concrete so he really DOES need to clear up after breakfast and just leave the kitchen in a half-decent manner so that YOU can come and get a coffee, empty the dishwasher etc without the mess to contend with first.

Alternatively, STOP the way you are doing things now, it's not working.

YOU can get up with the toddler, you can give them breakfast and do the dishwasher and clear up so that all he has to do is get up and go to work.

In trade off, HE gets to do bath time and storytime/bedtime. You can shower before bed yourself.

Cooking -I agree that he can do more, the hello fresh/Gousto etc IS a good idea - I did these with my son a few years ago and it really does help with your cooking confidence. I could do a few things well before then, but it really helped with planning things and trying new things. I love the idea of the cooking night as date night with a bottle of wine - that could take a task and make it a quality time activity.

Thanks all. Appreciate the comments.

To answer a few questions, as yet no childcare arranged. Waiting list for place next June but desperately trying to get something sooner.
At weekends we each get a "lie-in" till about 8.30.
Whilst he does 30 mins with LO and I shower, he then has 45 mins or so to shower and get ready before his work starts.
I do bath and bed through the week. At weekends we do bathtime together and he feeds DC milk and puts to bed once or twice.

I find cleaner barely scratches the surface in those 2 hrs but I know I'm incredibly bloody lucky to have one at all. The house is always such a mess I feel I'm never on top of it. Family life admin and household chores take up time. I mean, I was very surprised that a pp asked "but what do you actually do all day" as if they've never had a toddler and run a household. I mean really? Do you want a list? (It's endless). Surely we women know this?

But on the broader note, I fully accept my depression etc is no doubt clouding everything, in particular my attitude to DH.

Having read your update OP it sounds like you have a pretty equal and fair split (given that your DH works long hours). I'd encourage him to learn to cook and drive but generally I think you've got a good set up. Try to see the positive in your husband too - I know it's hard when thoughts are clouded by depression. He might well be feeling stressed and unappreciated too.

What time does he start and end work each day? Is he in finance, IT, or something like that?

Why isn’t he spending any alone time with the kids and giving you genuine time out? Bathing together usually means that he plays while you do the boring shit. My guess is that he pisses off to play on his Xbox or phone while you’re dressing the kids, fighting about tooth brushing and reading stories. Bet he’s not cleaning the kitchen or wiping the table down, etc…