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Original poster

New man wants to avoid being seen with me

43 replies

morethanspice · 14/12/2021 05:18

Started dating a man who says he is s legally separated. He’s anxious to keep our relationship under wraps until he’s divorced. I’m not wishing to rush into anything but I’m not sure why his ex would “create a scene “ if someone saw us together. Apparently she left him after coming into family money.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2021 05:21

Don't waste your time with someone who expects you to live like a dirty little secret. He's clearly not ready for a relationship.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/12/2021 05:21

Sounds like she does not know that they are separated.

Bin him

KatherineJaneway · 14/12/2021 05:24

I wouldn't be happy with this. Either there'll be lots of drama or he isn't really separated. Neither sound inviting.

Dontbekatty · 14/12/2021 05:28

Are you sure he’s separated? Where is he living?

RobertSmithsLipstick · 14/12/2021 05:30

How long have they been apart? (If they actually are, that is)

Original poster
morethanspice · 14/12/2021 05:33

He’s living in the family home with grown up son. I’ve visited the home when son was out. He was fairly detailed about the separation as he has had to remortgage to buy her out. I just don’t understand why he thinks he’ll get hassle if he’s seen out walking round his home village with someone else. This came about because I come from the same place and wanted to go for a walk round my childhood haunts

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanspice · 14/12/2021 05:34

Apart since January apparently

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 14/12/2021 05:38

It can happen, I think.
My ex was quite a bit too close to his ex wife, but it was just because she was a bit of a tyrant and he didn't have anything else going on, so he just went with the flow for a quiet life.
I had to be a bit forceful to shoehorn her out of equal first place in his life.

LaBellina · 14/12/2021 05:42

I would be very wary about this. As @RobertSmithsLipstick says it does happen, but I personally believe in 90% of the cases, he’s just a cheat and wants to hide you.
Proceed with great caution if you do at all.

PicaK · 14/12/2021 05:45

On your final consent order you have to sign as to whether you're in a new relationship, planning to move in etc etc.
I understand his reluctance - especially about upsetting the apple cart before it's all signed.

Original poster
morethanspice · 14/12/2021 05:49

Picak that’s interesting and could be at the root of it, maybe he just doesn’t want her to have anything on him. But not fair on me either

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 14/12/2021 05:52

It depends on how long it goes on for, I guess?
My mans ex would threaten to take their daughter and not let him see her.

It took an outsider (me!) to point out that she was far too selfish to ever have full custody.

MrsPleasant · 14/12/2021 05:57

"She left after coming into family money" - while this may indeed be true, if they've been married a while it would be classed as a joint asset.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2021 06:30

But not fair on me either

I take it the divorce is happening. If you don’t like the way he is handling things, you can decide to split. If he continued to want to keep you a secret more than a couple of months after the divorce is finalised, that would be a different matter. However, it sounds as if he’s trying to protect himself.

To me, this isn’t about him being first, this is about putting the needs of your perhaps long term future partner first just for a while. Nothing stops you from doing things together well away from where you grew up.

Kbyodjs · 14/12/2021 06:38

I think the question is how long will this go on? If there’s a clear end point then ok (if you’re 100% that they are actually separated) but if this is going to be protracted then it might be better for your well-being to step back for now.
My DH used to worry about things like this with his DSDs mum but actually when he was upfront with her she accepted things, it was knowing things were being hidden or that she was lied to which used to make her annoyed

updownroundandround · 14/12/2021 06:57

It really could be that he's trying to protect himself from losing money in the divorce. His Ex might be 'difficult' if she thinks he's 'moved on' quickly too.

I think I'd be inclined to decide what to do on the timeline. If he wants to keep you 'secret', then you've a right to know how long for ?

If it's just for a few months or until the whole divorce is 'finalised' (which could be years), then you need to know and to base your decision around that.

Personally, a few months wouldn't bother me, because the 'relationship' is still very early days in that timeline, but if it was until everything is signed and sealed ? Then I'd be saying 'No thanks'

senorafridgidaire · 14/12/2021 07:04

I've been in his position and its not nice. He knows his ex and if her finding out he is seeing someone else mean she is more difficult about the divorce I can see why he'd want to try and stop her finding out until it's all done and dusted. I remember having a massive argument with my new partner demanding we 'go public' on Facebook at a time when I knew doing so would cause me a ton of stress and upset I really couldn't cope with at that time. If he seems upfront and honest about everything else I'd try cutting him some slack for a while.

Crazykatie · 14/12/2021 07:13

I was in this situation, my divorce had not become “absolute” and I did want to rock the boat so we were discrete for a few months, there was no question of any distrust, we knew each other well as friends.

So as long as you are sure there is nothing hidden, go along with not making a show of a new relationship. If he is “separated” he will be, or should be living away from his wife, if she has inherited money she will still want half the marital assets as well.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 14/12/2021 07:18

Red flag with spots on.

I understood that the main purpose of a 'legal separation' was so access to children could be legally defined or if domestic violence was involved.

This would not be needed if his son is 'grown up' or there is no DV.

One wonders why they didn't just get a divorce.

seatons.co.uk/legal-separation-different-divorce/

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 07:27

He might not want to rock the boat before the divorce is finalised. He might not be separated.

Either way, you get to decide what you're willing to put up with.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 14/12/2021 07:30

I think regardless of 'why', no one deserves to be kept secret, it's a shit way hi great someone and very selfish on his part

dumplings1 · 14/12/2021 07:44

As someone that lived in a small village I can understand that you wouldn't want to parade someone your dating around unless your very serious, maybe he feels you haven't dated long enough yet. Everyone in a village does know your business whether you like it or not.
Are you secret from his close friends too? if he isn't talking about you at all then that would sound alarm bells.

Don't feel like you have to put up with it though, it might be easier to find someone without baggage hindering the relationship

Ragwort · 14/12/2021 07:49

If he doesn't want to 'be seen' with a new girlfriend (which I can understand, having lived in a small village myself) then he should just stop dating ... or is he quite happy to see you for companionship sex? Hmm.

Just don't get involved, if he is genuine, he will wait to be with you in six months or whatever when things are more settled.

curiouslypacific · 14/12/2021 07:54

Whatever his reasons, be they emotional, financial or logistical, he's not ready to be in a new relationship.

I think it's pretty disrespectful to ask someone to date in secret. If he has loads of drama going on with his ex, he needs to deal with that BEFORE he jumps into another relationship. So many men seem to jump straight from one messy situation to the next without ever taking the time to properly deal with the fallout.

Personally I'd not go there as I don't need the drama and I've always refused to date anyone married, seperated or not. The fact you posted suggests you're also uncomfortable with this scenario. It's totally reasonable to not date someone because you don't want to get caught up in their messy divorce...

Original poster
morethanspice · 14/12/2021 07:59

We are in Scotland where a separation agreement is used to divide marital assets. He says this has been done hence buying her out of the house. So I believe him there. They have to be be separated for a year to divorce so that’s not up yet. It’s early days in our “relationship “ but feel really he should not be dating if he has to act all furtive. Im keeping my options open x

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