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Relationships

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Original poster

New man wants to avoid being seen with me

43 replies

morethanspice · 14/12/2021 05:18

Started dating a man who says he is s legally separated. He’s anxious to keep our relationship under wraps until he’s divorced. I’m not wishing to rush into anything but I’m not sure why his ex would “create a scene “ if someone saw us together. Apparently she left him after coming into family money.

OP posts:

AnFiaRuaNua · 14/12/2021 07:59

Agree with ragwort.

Is it too soon to date or not?
I get the decree absolute issues but i just could not bring myself to have sex with somebody who actively avoided being seen with me. I under stand the reasons but it wouldnt work for me. Id say call me in 6 months

SusieSusieSoo · 14/12/2021 08:13

I can see both sides of this but... ask yourself how will you and others feel if the divorce goes on for a while & then he introduces you to his dc etc so effectively admits he lied for ages.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/12/2021 08:31

[quote TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]Red flag with spots on.

I understood that the main purpose of a 'legal separation' was so access to children could be legally defined or if domestic violence was involved.

This would not be needed if his son is 'grown up' or there is no DV.

One wonders why they didn't just get a divorce.

seatons.co.uk/legal-separation-different-divorce/[/quote]
I think it's common to have a legal separation before divorce. My boyfriend and his ex had a legal separation agreement with the proviso that they'd get a no-fault divorce after 2 years. It means you can agree on financial details and get all that sorted straight away. Plus, even if you don't do a separation agreement, people just say "separated" when they haven't finalised the divorce and I don't see what's wrong with that. We all know that divorce can be protracted and awful and expensive; no surprise that often people can't face the it. I was fortunate in that mine was straightforward and my ex was decent about it, but I know 3 people offhand who turned out to be still married to people they hadn't seen for many years, while living with partners who everyone thought they were married to. One of those ended up getting a "deathbed divorce" to stop his ex inheriting as he had not seen her for 40+ years!
Much better to tidy it up quickly of course, but it's not necessarily at all dodgy for someone to be dating before divorce is finalised.

HollowTalk · 14/12/2021 08:41

I would say that I wouldn't sleep with someone who wasn't happy to be seen out with me. It's not a matter of withholding sex, it's a matter of not getting too involved until they are actually free.

Calamitydrayne · 14/12/2021 08:46

Is 'legally separated' even a thing? Surely divorce is the bit that makes it 'legal'? U til then it's just words.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/12/2021 08:51

@Calamitydrayne

Is 'legally separated' even a thing? Surely divorce is the bit that makes it 'legal'? U til then it's just words.

Depends which country you're in. In England, you can have a court - ordered separation - a PP posted a good link about that above. Or you can have a separation agreement drawn up by a solicitor, which has some force re division of assets. If the divorce is uncontested it can be a way of getting the work of coming to an agreement out of the way so that when time limits are up for a no-fault divorce, that is just rubber-stamping what has been agreed.

FinallyHere · 14/12/2021 09:37

I agree with @Ragwort (and others, now I have wtft)

It may indeed not be the right time for him to have a new relationship. The right way to deal with that is to not have the relationship rather than to jump in anyway and try to hide it.

Those early days to getting to know each other are well, precious, it's really not fair to try to hide you away like a dirty secret. It makes little things like the answer to the question how did you meet awkward rather than something lovely ...

I'd just agree it's not the right time, dial it all back until it is the right time. Good luck.

fedup078 · 14/12/2021 09:47

My ex was like this too
He told me his wife has left him for someone else so it didn't make any sense to me that she'd be bothered he was with someone
It's because it was bullshit. He had just left her one day and never went back because he was a spineless piece of shit
Then he did the same to me and that's when everything made sense at last

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:19

I could have written this post, in fact I just posted one along the same lines. I know how you feel and it isn’t nice.

Allsortsofroses · 14/12/2021 11:25

I think it's pretty disrespectful to ask someone to date in secret

Exactly.

It's unreasonable and theres an element of you kowtowing to him, accepting less than you should get from him that sets an uncomfortable, unequal dynamic for the relationship.

Tell him to come back to you when he can date normally.

Don't wait around for him.

Allsortsofroses · 14/12/2021 11:29

but feel really he should not be dating if he has to act all furtive. Im keeping my options open

You're exactly right on both fronts.

It's sneaky, cowardly, dishonest
, disrespectful to you, immature etc.

Either dont get into relationships or be honest /straight. It diesbt reflect well on him.

And when people accept it I feel like theyre setting themselves as lower or desperate from the start.

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2021 11:30

Don't accept this. It would be better to tell him you are worth more than to be someone's dirty little secret and if he wants to hide you, he doesn't deserve to be with you.

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 11:34

If they separated last January and are waiting for 12 months to be up before signing it off, then tell him you will resume the relationship in February once it's all settled.

If its not bullshit, you can wait six weeks.

notacooldad · 14/12/2021 11:34

Personally I wouldnt want to be with anyone who didnt want to be seen with me.
It maybe because of his up coming divorce, in which case it's too soon for him to be dating if it's going to cause hassle.
I take the stance if you want to be with me, let everyone see me with you and nit act like a dirty little secret!

How humiliating!
Tell him to come back when he has taken care of business.

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 11:34

Why does he have a legal separation ? This is what people do when they don't want to divorce .

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 11:37

Have a break until its all finalised and see how you feel about each other then?

mistermagpie · 14/12/2021 11:39

Hmm I can see his side because I started seeing my now husband before I was divorced from my ex. It was pretty early days after we had separated and we were in the process of drawing up the legal 'separation agreement' (this is in Scotland btw). I wanted to keep my new partner a secret from my ex because I didn't want to rock the boat to be honest, and because my ex still owned half the property I was living in. So I literally never had the new partner over to my house at all until after the property was legally transferred to me, I just didn't feel right about it.

I also avoided going out with the new partner in places where I knew my ex or his friends might see us etc. The relationship wasn't a secret from my friends and family or whatever, but I didn't want it to be public. Me and the ex had no kids if that matters.

Looking back, no I wasn't ready for 'a relationship' really, it was not how I would have wanted to start things off at all. But I fell in love and didn't want to let that pass me by, I had been so miserable for so long.

It worked out for us, we have been together for over a decade and married for 7 years. We have three kids and are really really happy. So I'm not saying that's going to be the case here, but I just wanted to counter all the negative feedback but saying that we are all human, sometimes timing is complicated and situations are messy but it doesn't mean your boyfriend is a bad person or had dodgy motives.

Nevertime · 14/12/2021 11:40

Has he said it's to avoid creating a scene?

I was out with an old work colleague last night as part of a group. I haven't seen him in 2 years because of Covid but see his SM posts.

From the posts it seemed that he was no longer with his wife of 30 years and was living it up going to restaurants, concerts and on holiday on his own. It turns out he's been separated for nearly 3 years and seeing another woman for the last 8mths. He's just being discreet so as not to rub anyone's nose in it.

She's not a secret though. His wife does know, he's just not publically reminding her at every opportunity.

Secrets are never a good thing.

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