Reconcile with husband?

[Forwardsorbackwards]

Dh and I seperated in the summer as a result of quite rubbish behaviour on his part, combined with his general lack of interest in me and family life.
We have been getting along better and he has told me he loves me and wants to try again.
I still love him deeply, but have definitely lost trust in him.
I am also having serious doubts about him keeping up his 'good" behaviour.
He has moved out and is moving somewhere suitable to have the dc early next year.
He has said he doesn't want to do this and wants to come home.
I feel that this is more to do with the expense/inconvenience of moving from where he is living.
I still have doubts as to whether it is me he misses, or the cushy family life he messed up whereby I did far too much wife work and he lived his own life.
I am so torn as to what to do.

I have told him I think him getting his own suitable place is the right option, as I would want to see long term change and couldn't risk letting him back in the house, only for things to go back to how they were.
Am I mad for even entertaining us sorting this out with so much water under the bridge?

Not mad at all, you have a lot invested in this. But you're right in making him prove he's made real changes before he's allowed back home. Stick to this. If he means what he says you'll see it soon enough

I was honest and told him I can't do the last 6 months again and I couldn't put the dc through it.
I think I'm feeling conflicted as I want to go with it, but I know it won't last.

You seem clear it’s not going to last? If that’s the case then no, don’t let him pressure you into it because it’s the easy life option.

Trust your instincts. You’ve been brave enough to chuck him out - are you brave enough to put yourself through it all again? Stick to your guns - leopards rarely change their spots!!!! X

Thanks for the responses.
I'm just so confused by everything.
I'm not even sure us to get back together at this point.
I love him, but can't imagine living with him again as he's so selfish.
We're getting along well now, but he is getting to cherry pick the bits of having a family that he likes.

We were low contact for a while but it's crept up again recently and I have enjoyed his company.
He can be really nice when it's all on his terms I guess.

Take your time. He'll try and rush it if he is needing a cushy arrangement to make his life easier. Do not rush into anything. IMO He's unlikely to change in the long term, he needs to show you real sustained evidence he's capable of being a grown up for you to even consider this is a good idea.

No. No. No. Any niceness now will disappear very quickly. You sound like you know that though.

You can love someone and they can still be a very damaging and negative person for you to be in a relationship with.

I ended my marriage in august due to poor behaviour from my H. No cheating involved - sounds very much like yours.

He begged me to reconcile and it would all change and I fell for it. Within a WEEK he was back to his old ways.

I've left him this time and I've moved back to my mums. I've been here 7 weeks now. H is either showing me his true colours which are just awful or im getting the 'I promise I'll change'

I won't fall for it, he hasn't and isn't doing anything to show me he can change. Like your H, it's the convenience, especially at Christmas. He doesn't want me, he wants the cook, cleaner, parenting to the dcs as he didn't do anything....and everything else. That's what he misses.

Trust your gut! It won't fail you.

If he was serious about change, he would do whatever it takes and if that means getting his own place for a while then so be it. He would do it. He would listen and respect what you are asking. Not asking to come back

That's why I think him getting somewhere suitable is still the best idea. I need to see if he can sustain interest and step up with the dc when he has somewhere more comfortable.
He has also carried on with something which he knows has hurt me. I've made my feelings on it clear, but he continues.
It should tell me everything I need to know really but I've had a very difficult year and have sought comfort in the familiarity I suppose.
I'm finding it very difficult to detach when I've always loved him.

@Forwardsorbackwards

That's why I think him getting somewhere suitable is still the best idea. I need to see if he can sustain interest and step up with the dc when he has somewhere more comfortable. He has also carried on with something which he knows has hurt me. I've made my feelings on it clear, but he continues. It should tell me everything I need to know really but I've had a very difficult year and have sought comfort in the familiarity I suppose. I'm finding it very difficult to detach when I've always loved him.

It's so very hard. There is still an emotional connection there which can't be helped.

Have you thought of having counselling for yourself? I am having it at the moment and it is helping with my feelings. I'm learning to be gentle with myself yet stick to my guns

@kelseypops that sounds very familiar.
I'm sorry you're going through this too.
He left in July.
I know how cruel he can be towards me and ultimately the dc when he feels the need to punish me if I haven't gone along with what he wants.
I'm scared of that reaction again. I just want to get through this year.
I wish he could really change, but we've been together 16 years so I doubt it.

@kelseypops yes I have been in counselling since before he left and it is helping.
Even just to get my thoughts out to somebody impartial. I feel like I know the answers, but have difficulty accepting them, probably because they hurt.

I don't want another relationship but know he will move on quickly and that hurts.

He will go back to his usual controlling self once his feet are back under your table. You've done the hard bit, and it's natural to worry if you've made the right decision (especially when he's putting on his best behaviour all the time) but he won't change.

You're right in thinking he wants his cushy life back, he's realised that it's going to cost him, and that he will have to look after the dc on his own when he has access. He's trying to worm his way back in by going on a charm offensive, don't fall for it!

You have already said he is unlikely to change and you mention that he is probably only missing his cushy life. You mention you did too much wife work and he obviously enjoyed that. It is likely he will be on his best behaviour for a few months. I will guarantee you he will fall back into the same pattern, you will then be left really angry at yourself that you didn't stick to your guns and stay separated. Sit still for a while, pause and listen to your gut.....it is always right. However, I believe your gut is already shouting at you and you know what to do.

I know how cruel he can be towards me and ultimately the dc when he feels the need to punish me if I haven't gone along with what he wants.

You must never, ever reunite with a man who you know is capable of being cruel to you and his own children when he feels you or they deserve punishment. Ever.

Not only because of the damage it would do to you and them now, but also because of the example it sets for them when it comes to relationship dynamics.

If you want them to replicate this dynamic in their own relationships as adults then take him back. If you can't bear that thought, which is hopefully the case, let it fuel your decision to never ever get back together with him.

I think you're all right. I will try and encourage him to take the new place. If he wants to step up beyond that point, he will.
As I said, I'm not interested in looking for anything else and have become quite happy (if a little lonely) on my own, so have time to see what unfolds.
I just don't want him to feel I'm leading him on as it's just something else for him to be angry about.

You are not responsible for managing or trying to minimise his anger.

Wash your hands of him. You have taken too much shit from him already.

I just wish I could switch my heart off.
I was doing really well, but a recent situation has made me waver.
He was really shit to me.
I took alot for a long time.
I do enjoy our new surface level relationship though, even though I know he's getting the best of both worlds and I'm an easy option for him.
Need to give my head a shake I think.

My situation sounds very similar to yours.

I have no desire to meet anyone else yet he talks about it (although I try avoid conversations with him as much as possible) at any given moment.

He cannot be alone which is why he wants me to come back.

However I stay firm and just think he will be someone else's problem if he finds another relationship which he will as he has the charm. But underneath he is a controlling narcissist who I can now see right through.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though, im still emotionally attached to him in someways but know he will never change. I also have to think of my dcs and what is healthy for them.

He'll never change.
Men like him never do.
Stop wasting your time with him.
Divorce him.

@kelseypops do you have dc too?
I feel like i was doing ok but am now back in chaos and guilt.

[quote Forwardsorbackwards]@kelseypops do you have dc too?
I feel like i was doing ok but am now back in chaos and guilt.[/quote]
I have one DS with him and 2 from my previous relationship (I'm doing great in life I know )

I have 2 main reason for not going back when it comes to my dcs.

1. My eldest dcs didn't really like him. I've found that out from them since I left. Considering they had been on his life for 6 years, they aren't asking to see him, don't want to go back home etc. That speaks volumes to me.

1. My H isn't a good role model for any of the dcs. He is a man child that can't look after himself. And ha gambles which he used to include the dcs in. He didn't bring any good into their lives (my youngest DS included although he loves his daddy very much) apart from financially.

My H is constantly playing mind games with me. He promises me he will change, he has changed, he can be the husband I need, he can be there for me and love me. He will stop taking me for granted. This DS are all words.

His actions speak different. He won't change. He isn't capable. It's not worth the risk.

I don't know if your situation mirrors mine but you just need to be firm op. Letting him back because you feel guilty is emotional manipulation. You won't feel comfortable if you take him back, you will just be doing it because you feel bad. You just need to put yourself first. Keep going x

Has he taken responsibility for and shown remorse for how awful he was to you?

Does he acknowledge how bad his behaviour was?

I think you are right that he should take his own place so you can’t see how serious he is. It must be really hard when you have a lot of history and emotions for him

Can not can’t

@kelseypops you're doing great at life if you've rid yourself of a man child!
I get what you mean about actions speaking louder than words. My dh doesn't even try to tell me he will do better, as he already thinks he's perfect.

My house is much calmer without him here, I think in part because I'm not so bloody angry all the time at his lack of support, interest and effort.
That's what makes it hard as when we see each other now, it's lovely, but he gets to walk out of the door whenever he pleases and pursue his own interests as much as he likes.

It's not real life though is it. It's the honeymoon phase for him, I think that's why he wants to try again. He's forgotten the hard work of rasing a family, not that he bothered much!
@Electricbug321 I wish I could say he has, but no. He doesn't apologise, for anything, ever. He has placed alot of blame at my door. I do think he lacks perspective, but maybe I'm wrapped up in my own feelings.