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Original poster

How to keep it superficial with family?

34 replies

Lottapianos · 13/12/2021 17:03

We're planning to spend Christmas with my family. They're in Ireland, we're in UK so no popping in for a quick drink or dinner. We're going for 5 nights and staying in a hotel (DP and I). I haven't seen any of them for 2 years, including my little nephew.

My parents and sister are really not interested in me, my life, my job etc. This is properly dawning on me at the age of 42. I feel I have to be a particular version of myself around them. Yes this is messed up and draining and very sad, but there we are. It's not going to change, and I'm dying to see my nephew, so I have to find a way to manage it. Ive been in therapy for a long time, I understand my family dynamics very well, and I'm in pretty good emotional shape as Christmas goes. Just mining the MN collective wisdom as extra preparation!

If you can relate to my situation, please share any advice you have. I'm planning to try to keep conversation light and fluffy as much as poss, but this might be a challenge over 5 days. We have a few things in common that are not controversial (hobbies and such) so there's that. I'm also planning walks and will be volunteering for veg prep and washing up jobs to keep busy. And walking to the hotel every evening with DP and offloading on the way. Planning really helps. Thanks

OP posts:
Wombat69 · 13/12/2021 17:08

I would say just expect to be drawn in to the usual narrative. Plan breaks, practice bland statements & buy chocolate in advance. Practice breathing.

AuntieStella · 13/12/2021 17:10

You are an anthropologist, and your mission is to observe this strange tribe in their natural habitat. You are detached, but interested. It is not your role to influence or engage personally, just witness

Any use?

Original poster
Lottapianos · 13/12/2021 18:01

'Plan breaks, practice bland statements & buy chocolate in advance'

Yes yes yes. Planning and practicing is excellent advice. Extra chocolate for the hotel room too - genius

'You are an anthropologist, and your mission is to observe this strange tribe in their natural habitat'

Yes, lots of use, thank you. It's another version of playing a role, rather than being me, but I know that's what I need to do to stay sane.

OP posts:
thatsallineed · 13/12/2021 18:09

You are an actor in the Irish Christmas version of IACGMOOH?

Runforthehillocks · 13/12/2021 18:09

Try not to be alone with any of them so no-one can either bitch about another behind their backs, or falsely report on anything you might be said to have said. When in doubt, play with your nephew!

Somebodylikeyew · 13/12/2021 18:12

Plan conversation topics in advance
Ask after every random neighbour/relative/postman in their lives
Become the best thing your nephew has ever seem, and then offer to take him to the swings so your sister gets a break
I’d add gin to the chocolate for evening debriefs back at the hotel Grin

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2021 18:18

When you feel the usual shit starting to bubble to the surface, take a time out.
Mark off your "Christmas with family" bingo cards each night when you get back to the hotel.
Have a password to use between you and DP, to show that either of you are struggling and need some moral support.

CMOTDibbler · 13/12/2021 18:30

The bingo cards got me through many difficult family visits with DH. Somehow, no sniping comments could hurt us when internally we were marking off 'yes! Why don't we have dc, I've nearly got the line now' in our heads. You can also give out awards for 'returning to pet subject' or 'straight off the Daily Mail front page'.
Plan out diverting sentences. They go in with 'why aren't you more like your sister', you go for 'That reminds me, did you see that article about otters in Singapore?' bonus points for collecting the most random statements, or finding a tenuous link like Aunty Maeve equals a recipe for fruit cake, but there is no need for a link. Possibly a 'hmm' if you feel generous.
Read the website of their paper/magazine of choice ahead of time for extra diversion possibility.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/12/2021 18:49

You are an anthropologist, and your mission is to observe this strange tribe in their natural habitat. You are detached, but interested. It is not your role to influence or engage personally, just witness

Any use?

Sound advice, love this 😁

Palavah · 13/12/2021 18:52

Plan some time/activities out without them, and factor in some downtime with your partner in the hotel. This is your holiday too (and your DP's, I assume). You don't have to be with them all the time.

You could also suggest activities out and about with family to mix it up a little. Fresh air and distraction help...

LivingLegend · 13/12/2021 18:55

If any of them are 'exploders' (you don't say) or 'turn' after a couple of drinks, best to go back early in the evening, even if things look like they're going well. Best also to stay in 'group' situations, for the same reason.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2021 18:56

Any towns or cities near you that you can escape to for the day?.

I would not want to be at all spending all day every day with them.

AuntieStella · 13/12/2021 18:57

That reminds me, did you see that article about otters in Singapore?

Love it!! Grin

2catsandhappy · 13/12/2021 19:00

Ask to see photos.
View local news online before you go.
Anounce you were thinking of making a cup of tea.
Offer to take nephew to local park.

I caught the word 'evening' for your walk back to hotel. I think you spelt that wrong. It is 'afternoon'.

WhoKnowsMaybeSomeDay · 13/12/2021 19:08

Be "helpful" make tea/drinks for everyone, wash the dishes, any excuse to escape to the kitchen regularly.

Avarua · 13/12/2021 19:17

Book a show or activity for the day after boxing day that will get everyone out of the house (or just you).

Avarua · 13/12/2021 19:18

Eg take a road bike and say you're training ? Or go swimming for exercise at a local pool? Just find a way to get out

Original poster
Lottapianos · 13/12/2021 19:23

Plan some time/activities out without them,'

Absolutely. Will be taking nephew out for a walk and a bit of exploring every day. Brother in law and sister in law might be a reasonable bet as well - they have both been part of the family for years but are not involved in the toxic shit. I don't know either of them all that well tbh so it might be nice to spend some time chatting with them

Can't do extra gin in hotel room - I'm a total lightweight and the next day will be pure unvarnished hell with a hangover!

Thanks for great advice everyone. I feel better prepared now x

OP posts:
mbosnz · 13/12/2021 19:44

Me and DH are notorious for volunteering to pop off to the supermarket for something, and it takes at least 1/2 an hour to one hour to get that packet of sugar - while we do our nut about their latest sillybuggers.

NegativeNelly · 13/12/2021 19:52

what i will say from experience with my family dynamics... is don't drink alcohol. I find this makes things a lot worse. Not that I'm argumentative but I find it makes me much more depressed and I feel their comments more when I've had a drink

Original poster
Lottapianos · 13/12/2021 21:11

'I find it makes me much more depressed and I feel their comments more when I've had a drink'

Very good point. I'm not a big drinker and can't handle the hangovers, so it will only be a glass or two for me

OP posts:
Inthewainscoting · 13/12/2021 23:12

Bring knitting or crochet. At awkward moments there will always be a tricky stitch which .... You.... Just.... Have.... To... Sort.... Out..... which gets you a breathing space.

greenlynx · 13/12/2021 23:33

I usually give DH a list of forbidden topics beforehand, take a lot of my favourite food with me and read MN before bedtime for relaxation.
I try not to stay on my own with certain relatives - it will lead to heated discussions and do ask about all relatives and neighbours. And I never discuss things with my DH if someone else is present, even a simple things like what to cook for lunch or do you want another cup of tea.
I know sounds mad but it helps.

phoebethegb · 13/12/2021 23:40

Honest advice?

Five days is far too long and you are about to put yourself through hell for a nephew who is probably too little to really understand who you even are.

Can you reduce the length of your trip? It's been a long hard year for everyone, you don't need 5 days of this shit on top of the rest of 2021.

mugglenutmeg · 13/12/2021 23:58

Staying in a hotel is a good call.

I Agree with PP's:

Don't be alone with anyone who can draw you into an uncomfortable conversation and then turn it around in you.

Stay interested, ask questions, flattery helps too, they're less likely to turn in you if you are being complimented by you and you're laughing at their jokes.

Don't divulge too much about yourself, don't express any strong opinions or complain about anything that could be turned against you. Keep conversations superficial.

Plan outings, and trips out, is there a dog that needs walking? Take DN to the park.

Be generous, bring wine and chocolates and gifts.

Be helpful and cheerful, do dishes and help in the kitchen. (But not annoyingly cheerful!)

All the above will help stop anyone turning on you, be bland be an agreeable grey rock.

OP, this all sounds horrendous and very hard work, for both you and DH, is it really worth it?