How to keep it superficial with family?

[Lottapianos]

We're planning to spend Christmas with my family. They're in Ireland, we're in UK so no popping in for a quick drink or dinner. We're going for 5 nights and staying in a hotel (DP and I). I haven't seen any of them for 2 years, including my little nephew.

My parents and sister are really not interested in me, my life, my job etc. This is properly dawning on me at the age of 42. I feel I have to be a particular version of myself around them. Yes this is messed up and draining and very sad, but there we are. It's not going to change, and I'm dying to see my nephew, so I have to find a way to manage it. Ive been in therapy for a long time, I understand my family dynamics very well, and I'm in pretty good emotional shape as Christmas goes. Just mining the MN collective wisdom as extra preparation!

If you can relate to my situation, please share any advice you have. I'm planning to try to keep conversation light and fluffy as much as poss, but this might be a challenge over 5 days. We have a few things in common that are not controversial (hobbies and such) so there's that. I'm also planning walks and will be volunteering for veg prep and washing up jobs to keep busy. And walking to the hotel every evening with DP and offloading on the way. Planning really helps. Thanks

@mugglenutmeg

Staying in a hotel is a good call.

I Agree with PP's:

Don't be alone with anyone who can draw you into an uncomfortable conversation and then turn it around in you.

Stay interested, ask questions, flattery helps too, they're less likely to turn in you if you are being complimented by you and you're laughing at their jokes.

Don't divulge too much about yourself, don't express any strong opinions or complain about anything that could be turned against you. Keep conversations superficial.

Plan outings, and trips out, is there a dog that needs walking? Take DN to the park.

Be generous, bring wine and chocolates and gifts.

Be helpful and cheerful, do dishes and help in the kitchen. (But not annoyingly cheerful!)

All the above will help stop anyone turning on you, be bland be an agreeable grey rock.

OP, this all sounds horrendous and very hard work, for both you and DH, is it really worth it?

Great post, especially the bit where you question if it's worth it.

Every single recommendation asks the OP to employ a 'fawn' response to incoming trauma.

It just isn't worth it IMO. Not at any age, but at 42? No. Go and enjoy your Christmas with your DP not being plunge into a trauma response by your family who don't care about you.

'It just isn't worth it IMO'

Well that's my decision to make, and I've made it. My nephew has just turned 5, I haven't seen him since he was 2. That breaks my heart. Im going into this with my eyes wide open, and well aware of the need to protect myself and conduct things on my terms to a point. I'm grateful for all the advice to get out of the house as much as possible - I don't think I had been prioritising that as much as I needed to.

@Lottapianos

'It just isn't worth it IMO'

Well that's my decision to make, and I've made it. My nephew has just turned 5, I haven't seen him since he was 2. That breaks my heart. Im going into this with my eyes wide open, and well aware of the need to protect myself and conduct things on my terms to a point. I'm grateful for all the advice to get out of the house as much as possible - I don't think I had been prioritising that as much as I needed to.

Ok, well good luck with it.

If your sister treats you with indifference and your nephew is her child I would also be prepared for the eventuality that he might treat you with indifference too.

@AuntieStella

You are an anthropologist, and your mission is to observe this strange tribe in their natural habitat. You are detached, but interested. It is not your role to influence or engage personally, just witness

Any use?

Love this.

Hi all, thank you again for your advice on this thread. Update - my sister and nephew tested positive for Covid 3 days ago so we won't get to see them. It's just me, DP and my parents here. The house is warm and clean, and we have plenty of good food and drink. Other than that, it's bloody awful. My dad talks AT US all bloody day about stuff we have no interest in. My mother either ignores or undermines everything I say. It's so hurtful, and makes me feel sick and sad. We have two more days before we go home and DP and I will be out of the house for both of them.

Never again. I'm done. Christmas can sod off. In future, it's a 2 night max stay and never again at Christmas. It's absolutely not worth it, not even to see my nephew. They take too much of a toll on my mental health

Make your own Xmas memories with your own families...tell them before you leave that it will be the last Xmas you spend with them ..EVER...go no contact and quite literally...FUCK THEM....TELL THEM TO ALL FUCK RIGHT OFF ....why put yourself through such bloody misery...bollocks to that...absolutely no bloody way.....grow a bloody set of balls and speak up

Think it’d be good to be more realistic about your relationship with your nephew. You’re not close to your sister / say she’s not interested in you. So it’s probable you’ll rarely see your DN, and that you’ll have a distant relationship. Which is OK.

Your plans to limit time / contact in future and avoid xmas sounds good.

'grow a bloody set of balls and speak up'

Absolutely no point. They wouldn't hear a word I say and it would cause a huge and pointless row. I will be nodding, smiling, saying goodbye and doing whatever the hell I want in future