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Original poster

Talking about EXW on date

27 replies

Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 16:46

First date yesterday. Both early 30s - my engagement ended early this year, his marriage ended 4 years ago. Met online a few weeks ago and swapped messages and a phone call - seemed to get on well.

Got on well in person, lots of laughs and things to chat about. Ended up talking about past relationships (already I'm thinking this is a bit heavy..) and he spoke (at length) about how he loved being married, expected to have kids by now, how he tried to reconcile with EXW before divorce. I asked if he was over his ex and he paused! Then I asked what he wanted from someone and after a bit of waffling he said he wanted a relationship which would help him move on with his life.. I said it would be difficult for a potential new partner to not feel like they were having to live up to his EXW.

Writing this down I think I've realised it's potentially a bit red flag-y? The conversation about the ex lasted a lot longer than I anticipated - I was hoping for something like "yep the marriage ended because of XYZ, I'm happy with my life now and feel ready for a new relationship".. not the warts and all!

Haven't arranged next date yet but feel it would be a bad move. Would love to hear others views? Thanks!

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 13/12/2021 16:51

Run !

Nowomenaroundeh · 13/12/2021 16:55

No. I would leave it.

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 16:56

@Tillymintpolo

Run !
I think you may be right! He said he was frustrated with online dating and things never progressed with anyone and I thought "well it's not surprising if you aren't after your ex!" Which I think is why I said it would be difficult for a potential partner to not feel like they were having to live up to her.
OP posts:
Crapslattern · 13/12/2021 16:57

It's not your job to help him move on. He needs to be ready for a new relationship - he's not.

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 16:57

Over your ex*

OP posts:
weddingdilemmma · 13/12/2021 17:00

@Crapslattern

It's not your job to help him move on. He needs to be ready for a new relationship - he's not.
100%
KintsugiForever · 13/12/2021 17:01

His getting over his ex isn't your responsibility. I'd get out nice and early if I were you 😊

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 17:01

@Nowomenaroundeh yep I think you may be right!

@Crapslattern agreed and I absolutely hands down don't want to be that person who helps someone move on.

I guess I'm surprised that he isn't ready to move on.. if he wants marriage and children then why wouldn't he get himself in a place where he is ready for that. I want those things and whilst I was heartbroken that my relationship ended, I've been actively working at healing and being in a healthy position for a relationship.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/12/2021 17:04

Oh you actually said to him that his bad experiences with online dating might be due to the fact that he doesn't seem over his ex? That's good, maybe he'll have a think about that before he arranges any more dates

And yeah, i wouldn't be going on anymore dates with a guy who expects another woman to solve his moving on issues

Moretodo · 13/12/2021 17:05

Yes it's a flag.
She (ex W) was responsible for his happiness and now waiting like a big baby for someone else to take up the responsibility.

Hen2018 · 13/12/2021 17:09

Nope.

I went out with someone who had also been divorced for 4 years. He was obsessed with her still.

SunflowerTed · 13/12/2021 17:24

I’m going the opposite way and thinking why can’t you be the special person that helps him move on? He’s saying he hadn’t met anyone YET! I went out with a widower ona first date who told me all about his late wife (and cried) - she had died 8 year’s previously! I thought about running but I didn’t and we’re madly in love 13 years later x

Sidge · 13/12/2021 17:28

God no.

He needs to find it within himself to get over her, not expect a new relationship to do it for him.

What’s that saying - you want a partner not a project? Fuck that shit. I want someone to love me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 17:47

@KintsugiForever agreed!

@AryaStarkWolf yeah I was quite blunt (had a few drinks and felt a bit like I'd wasted my time). And he tried to back track and said he wanted to meet new people etc.

@Moretodo you're right! He isn't happy with his job but felt it gave him purpose when it meant it supported his married life.

@Hen2018 how can someone still be obsessed 4 years on though?! It's not healthy and prevents moving on! I'm new to dating in my thirties and I'm baffled at how many people seem stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 17:50

@SunflowerTed ah I'm pleased it worked out for you :) I would perhaps have a differing view if his exW had died rather than the marriage ended?! From previous experience, being "that" person has never ended well (they've stayed with me long enough to "heal" then buggared off when they got back on their feet!)

@Sidge agreed. I mean we all have insecurities and elements of us that need healing. But I was bit "yikes" at the length and depth of this conversation and his answers.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 13/12/2021 18:54

My ex would engineer things so he would “bump into” his ex wife, whether I was with him or not. Once, he suddenly wanted to go to a park (a drive away) and it turned out she would be finishing her fun run where we were sitting...

At another “accidental” meeting, he said, “Oh, you can ask Dawn all about x, y and z problems your son has. She’ll know!” At least his ex wife had the sense to look embarrassed and, strangely, I didn’t talk about private matters with a woman I had just met.

He also asked if I’d like to see their wedding photos (!), told me he would never marry again and, in one of his many tirades about having ED, said, “I never had this trouble with Dawn”...

Hen2018 · 13/12/2021 18:56

Oh, and they worked together. She didn’t want to move as she had done really well there (and her new husband worked there). Let’s all ponder why my/her ex continued working there.

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 13/12/2021 19:12

@Hen2018 omg!! That's wild. It must be awful for a person to be stuck like that but there's a real worrying lack of self awareness that is incredibly unfair to impose onto someone else. I honestly can't grasp why these particular men won't seek help (from a professional NOT another woman) to move forward.

Aside from the fixation on the ex wife, think the man I met has an unhealthy attitude towards marriage if he expects his life to fully revolve around that (used the term "I want be someone's other half" and rather than it being a term of endearment I think he genuinely wants to be enmeshed with someone.

Anyway he's gone a bit quiet on me now shrug

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 13/12/2021 19:46

I don't think you are missing much, OP, if he's gone quiet.

I agree with the red flags, and it's concerning that he hasn't moved on in 4 years. It suggests to me that he's built his ex up in his head into some kind of paragon that no one else will ever match.

Rose tinted specs and all that. I think you should chuck this one back.

sassbott · 13/12/2021 20:58

Run.

He’s not done the work he needs to do to accept that it is over. What his part was to play in the marriage ending (it’s never just one persons fault). And fully let go and move on. He’s not in a healthy place.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/12/2021 23:09

Another saying run for the hills 🤚

user1481840227 · 13/12/2021 23:19

It's actually great that this came up on the first date so now you know what you would be dealing with and you know not to continue with it.

I wish all men would lay their issues on their table during the first date lol

Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 16/12/2021 17:14

@MadMadMadamMim

I don't think you are missing much, OP, if he's gone quiet.

I agree with the red flags, and it's concerning that he hasn't moved on in 4 years. It suggests to me that he's built his ex up in his head into some kind of paragon that no one else will ever match.

Rose tinted specs and all that. I think you should chuck this one back.

Agreed!! It's been 4 years!! And absolutely agree that he views his ex that way.
OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 16/12/2021 17:15

@sassbott

Run.

He’s not done the work he needs to do to accept that it is over. What his part was to play in the marriage ending (it’s never just one persons fault). And fully let go and move on. He’s not in a healthy place.

That's really interesting actually as he didn't divulge any information about his contribution.
OP posts:
Original poster
Penguinwaddler · 16/12/2021 17:17

@user1481840227

It's actually great that this came up on the first date so now you know what you would be dealing with and you know not to continue with it.

I wish all men would lay their issues on their table during the first date lol

Haha I agree!! Grin
OP posts: