Tips to manage Christmas with wanker BIL

[TiredButDancing]

I've posted before about SIL and BIL. he is an emotionally abusive twat who contributes nothing financially, emotionally or practically to their lives. He briefly moved out but is back. Theoretically, this relationship is over but there's no signs that the actually accepts that and SIL is still so controlled by him that she doesn't feel she can lay down the law.

But we have to spend Christmas with him. I haven't seen him for ages but I've heard that the sniping and moods are constant (and that SIL, to be fair, isn't much better because she's so resentful). I don't want to say or do anything that will inflame the situation but I am not sure how to avoid it. My strategies so far are:

1. Suggest to SIL that her and I take charge of the kitchen. I have tended to try NOT to do that in an attempt not to take over when at their house, but if it's the two of them attempting to make Christmas dinner, it will be a disaster.

1. Ask DH to subtly be in charge of other things such as drinks etc because BIL won't and SIL will get stressed.

1. I'm practising friendly phrases in my head in advance so that I can wheel them out without thinking.

1. Shot of tequila (which always makes me very "happy") before we leave?

1. Don’t go there for Christmas

@Shoxfordian

4. Don’t go there for Christmas

What she said.

Why are you going?

But we have to spend Christmas with him.

No, you don't. You actually don't have to do this at all, and you should refuse.

Be 'unwell' so that you can't go there for Christmas if an outright refusal will offend

I've heard that drinking orange juice can make a lateral flow test positive. Just saying.

But we have to spend Christmas with him.
Why?
Why?
Why?

Also - no you don't.

Agree with the others, don't go, why do you "have" to go.......you really don't. Why ruin your own Christmas?

Sounds like you are on the right track. Preparation is key. Can your husband engage BIL in assisting with preparing complicated cocktails or helping tracing the funny noise in your car or explaining the offside rule or showing off his collection of Fortnite figurines? Basically, try toddler level distractions. You could also simply distract yourself by taking your own toys to play with or just playing on your phone.You have my deepest sympathy. I find food really does turn to ashes in my mouth at a dinner hosted by warring couples.

Why do you have to spend Xmas with them? I dont do anything I dont want to as an adult and I'm happy to tell people why that is.

How on earth did you get yourself into a situation where you were going to spend Christmas Day with this man?

I would say that with the new variant, you're not going to mix households. Job done.

Why are you putting yourself in a position where you will see him?

Simply don't go. You're an adult, you know the situation will be uncomfortable, don't go

Do you have children? If so, please r4member there are so few Christmases that are magic for the children and you must not waste a single one. Just don't go. Covid sometimes has a positive spin-off - I am sure you can find some covid-related reason not to go there.

Of course you don’t have to go.
Don’t be so ridiculous, don’t you have any personal agency?

@MadeForThis

I've heard that drinking orange juice can make a lateral flow test positive. Just saying.

How true is this? Asking for a friend.

If you have to have tequila and a mental list of prepared responses to face spending time with this person, I'd be seriously questioning whether you really "have to" spend Christmas with your BIL. You don't have to. If you say, actually, we've changed our minds and want to have Christmas at home just us, no-one will spontaneously combust. It will not trigger the apocalypse.

You do have the freedom and power to do that, you know.

And you have to spend Christmas with him because....

That missing reason is just that, missing.

There is NO good reason for you to go there at all; do not give in to any feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

I understand you want to see your sister, but is it worth it?
Don't pretend to have a lateral flow on the 24th, though. That's a bit of a dick. move if they have shopped for company. Tell them ASAP that you won't be coming.

Agree you shouldn't go. Also think trying to micro manage the day won't work either. Either go and accept the reality of it or don't go.

Don’t go there, enjoy your day and invite your sister in law on her own to yours!!

I wouldn't go. Given that your sister is ostensibly separated from him say that you don't want to spend it with him

It's OP's SIL, not sister.

Don't go.

We are going because there is no way I'm leaving SIL with him over Christmas alone. Nor am I leaving our nephews without the fun and enjoyment of games with their cousins. The good news is that the kids will be doing their thing and will be fine, not least because our other, teenager nephew, will be there as well and they basically just worship him and he's brilliant about entertaining them.

Actually, all these responses are helpful anyway because I was starting to think I couldn't do it but it reminds me why I am doing it and therefore that my only priority needs to be enjoying time with SIL. Which is actually relatively easy, and just largely pretend he's not there. He'll probably be sulking anyway so easy enough to ignore really.

The sniping and moods are constant but your kids (old enough to play on their own) won't notice. Of course they will. You're training your children to walk on eggshells and appease abusive, controlling behaviour. You're teaching them that their own happiness and enjoyment of Christmas day is secondary to managing badly behaved adult men. Bringing up another generation of doormat people-pleasers.

Invite your SIL and nephews to your house.

I can see what you're thinking here but no, for a few reasons, I'm not actually concerned about that in this instance although it's a reasonable question.

Also, for the record, we have no intention of walking on eggshells. If anything, my instinct is to kick the eggs, stomp on them, grab the bits of shell and rub them in his face...... I'm hoping for a middle ground! And DH and I are both prepared to push back under all kinds of conditions. We just want to make sure that we don't allow our anger and frustration to inflame things.