Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else hate their partners ex??

31 replies

wheezie · 18/12/2007 18:51

Am sure so many people find them so hard. i jsut find her such a parasite. she never worked since day she was pregnant, their kid is now 9. when i moved in with my partner the house was full of clothes, bags, toiletries all with labels still intact that she had bought. Apparently she rang up lot credit card debt. their divorce proceeding had jsut begun when i met him. she ended up with 65% of everything. she now has a house mortgage free, £120K in her account and still receives £500 a month. friends are like wouldnt u want as much as possible though if u had divorced. i split with my little boys father who gives me a few hundred pounds a month which basically goes on childcare, activities. i never stopped working or asked for anymore even when i was by myself with my son. My ex also puts £60 month into my sons account which i would rather. i want my partner to do this cause for his son as i know his ex is continuing to squander his money on shopping again. she took a 2 week holiday and left their son with the grandparents. half the week he is there too. the poor kid is so shy and inactive. he does no activities, watches tv and plays games all time. she apparenly never cooked a meal from scratch for him and i assume still doesnt which shows as all he wants is junk. my partner is like oh the money is for my son when he knows she spends hardly anything on him. i just get so frustrated that she seems to still have control. we have a baby of our own and i am like well now you have another child to support too. all he keeps telling me is its the law. perhaps it is but i just hate her. she is such a bitch to my partner, allows him limited access so he is now thinking of a court order. more cost to him. does anyone else have such exes present in their life? Just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 18/12/2007 18:59

What she does is none of your business.

Anything about his son is between your partner and his ex. Try to stay out of it.

scorpio1 · 18/12/2007 19:02

i have an ex present in my life, dp and her have a 6 year old ds together. she used to bother me, but now i ignore her. im happy with my lot and dont feel the need to ompare myself to her.

do the best for your dss when he is with you. your dp sounds like he is doing the right thing money wise for the child, which is great.

agree with the try to stay out of it comment too.

i know it can be hard but you wont always feel this way.

scorpio1 · 18/12/2007 19:03

also maybe she has her own issues, which is why she shops alot and took a holiday.

milliemoocow · 18/12/2007 20:01

wheezie i think u have every right to be annoyed and it is something to do with you after all you and your partner have a child aswell now, and what he spends his money on affects you so you have every right to be pissed off!!!! and she seems like a total total bitch so you have every right to have a rant!!!

warthog · 18/12/2007 20:07

it's not fair is it?

but then again, he's with you and not with her

CarmenerryChristmas · 18/12/2007 20:14

I couldn't live with myself if I was the type of woman who didn't support herself. My mum brought me up to always be financially independent, as she said 'make sure you never have to ask a man for money to buy tampax'.
I feel sorry for dp's ex, she is a weak, shallow woman who will be lonely in her old age as her children don't particularly like her(with good reason unfortunately).

I may not have as much money as her but I am far richer.

CarmenerryChristmas · 18/12/2007 20:15

Oh GOD I just realised that I sounded like I was having a go at SAHM's I really, really wasn't.

Original poster
wheezie · 18/12/2007 20:18

her issues are she is lazy and tries to get everyone to do everything for her and extract whatever she can. no matter what my partner does she will complain. if her son sees my son she has a problem as my 4 yr old upsets him. he is a normal excitable 4 yr old boy.

Her holiday was most definately with some guy which she wont be honest abt as she worried she wont get as much money. the in-laws have accidentally callled my partner this guys name who she also had cybersex with when they were still together which my partner found out abt.

i know he is with me, it just winds me up that i still feel she has some kind of control.

I know theres not a lot i can do other than just get on with it but at times it gets to me.

OP posts:
frostythesnowmum · 18/12/2007 20:19

I can see exactly where your coming from but I really can't see a solution.
Best not to dwell or get to involved.
She didn't work when they were together which was their choice and she has your partners child to look after - she might see that as her job and really it is.
If your dp has a problem with it he should discuss it with her.

Monkeytrousers · 18/12/2007 20:25

You are just trying to elevate yourself above her, to excuse your own bad behaviour; she annoys you so she must be a bad person. . Why does she matter so much?

Do you seriously want your DP to stop contributing to his first family? That is so spiteful. Get over it and mind your own business.

contentiouscat · 18/12/2007 20:26

I CAN understand your resentment if it leaves you short of money but tbh you have only had your partners side of the story and this is hardly likely to be unbiased. Unfortunately when you have a partner who has children already it comes with the territory.

A friend was telling me her exs girlfriend rang her and said "hes always short of money because he gives it all to you" - hes NEVER given her any money at all to support his children - he just told his girlfriend what she wanted to hear...

CarmenerryChristmas · 18/12/2007 20:27

It is of course her job to raise her ds and believe me it is a good thing if she has a man in her life as it will certainly distract her somewhat. I think that the old adage of 'accept what you cannot change' applies here.

PuppyDogTails · 18/12/2007 20:28

I have a similar situation but over the years I have learnt to try and let it wash over me. If you think about it all to much, particularly about how hard-earned money gets squandered, then it really eats you up inside. I'm afraid you just have to accept it as a fact of life. Being a supportive step-parent is far more important in the long run, the kids will grow up to recognise the positive impact you have had on their lives and respect you for it.

Monkeytrousers · 18/12/2007 20:30

I secodn that PDT

harman · 18/12/2007 20:33

Message withdrawn

Surfermum · 18/12/2007 20:34

Your dp is right, he must pay for his son and the money must go to her. How she spends it is down to her, and how she brings her son up and lives her life is down to her too. It might not be your way, but there is nothing you can do to change that. Your best bet would be to detach from it and, like scorpio says, make sure that little boy has a great time when he sees his Daddy.

I know that's maybe easier said than done, but honestly, hating her isn't going to get you anywhere. If she's your step-son's mum she's going to be around for a very long time.

The only control she really has over you is whether you see the little boy or not (and that can be sorted by a Court order). Other than that she has none.

HairyIrene · 18/12/2007 20:39

that's nice advice carmenere
and your mum too!

AimsmumPaPumPumMeAndMyDrum · 18/12/2007 20:41

Has your DP never had a holiday?

So if you are a single parent you aren't entitled to a holiday?? Really you have no idea what she spends her money on or what she cooks for her son, you are just presuming and being nasty.

PuppyDogTails · 18/12/2007 20:41

I get pleasure from my own little private victories, like when DSD asks me "can you make roast potatoes?" She'd only ever known them come from a freezer.

AimsmumPaPumPumMeAndMyDrum · 18/12/2007 20:48

Because not being able to make roast potatoes makes a person in some way inferior?!

Some of the step parent threads terrify me!! Still at least you get your victories where you can

Surfermum · 18/12/2007 20:48

But for me it isn't about having "victories" over dsd's mum. It isn't a competition. There's no points to be scored. It's about dsd, not her mum.

I get pleasure from dsd having a great relationship with me and a fab time when she's here.

Elizabetth · 18/12/2007 20:54

It's pathetic setting yourself up in competition with a partners' ex. She's obviously an ex for a reason. £500 a month is £6000 a year. It's not exactly cash to live an extravagant lifestyle but it's a reasonable amount to pay in child maintenance and like your partner says it's the law. If he's paying that much it's because he's a good father and wants to support his son, you should be pleased about that.

I had a jealous stepmother who resented every penny my dad gave to support me (and it was a fairly paltry amount). She's a rotten person. Then again she has to put up with my dad all these years so I guess I have to feel sorry for her really.

PuppyDogTails · 18/12/2007 21:06

Sorry, didn't mean to rile people, I wasn't suggesting that I try to compete with their mother in any way. I just try to make contributions to their upbringing where I can, it would never have crossed my mind that there was any great science to roasting a potato but I feel a sense of achievement if I can teach them something they haven't learnt at home. Just like I sense a victory from being able to help with the french homework. As I said in my first comment, it's all about making a positive impact in the children's lives. Ho hum.

harman · 18/12/2007 21:15

Message withdrawn

CarmenerryChristmas · 18/12/2007 21:35

My dniece's step mum is totally lovely and caring to her and she loves her. I hope that my dsc love me. The ones that know me(one dsd has refused to speak to me since dd was born) love me, I go to a hell of a lot of effort for them, I talk to them, I advise them, I teach them stuff, I spoil them occasionally.

I do everything that I would want a woman to do if, god forbid, dp and I split up and another woman was looking after dd. Once you think abut it like that it is easy to go the extra mile.