Suck it up or accept its over?

[JJMW]

I must start by saying I married one of the good ones. This isn’t going to be a slate the hubby whinge fest.

So 8 weeks ago my hubby of 18 years tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. Or more specifically loves me but isn’t ‘in love’ with me

Were things a little stale? Yes. But this still came as a total shock.

Now fair play he’s been honest, but watching him keep crumbling and sobbing told me there was probably more to this.

Much of his behaviour recently is out of character. I’ve held him while he’s sobbed one minute and been treated like an emotional punch bag and blamed for how he is feeling the next. While I’ve no doubt our relationship is a contributing factor. I do believe there are many other factors that have lead to his downward spiral and depression.

But am I burying my head in the sand over my marriage wows?

It took a few weeks but hubby has accepted he’s not well. He doesn’t want to go to a GP or take pills but thankfully has been open to using online resources to help himself get better.

Returning to the he doesn’t love me anymore. We’ve talked and cried and both said we want to work on it. Finding ‘us’ again.

Hubby doesn’t seem to be all in though. He’s been yoyoing between saying he wants to work on us and clearly not wanting to be with me anymore. There's been no effection or effort.

His reasons for sticking around filter down to not having a better option, not wanting me or kids to have to move and financial.

I’m the main wage earner in our house. While hubby works he barely earns above minimum wage. Choices and decisions we’ve made over the years have lead to this. But they’re decisions we made together. We’ve always been 50/50 all the way. There’s never been my money and his money only our money.

So yes, splitting financially would be harder for him but I’m not some bitch that thinks I paid more in and the kids are staying with me so I get the majority. He knows for me it will always be 50/50 minimum.

I commend his not wanting to disrupt the family home, but to what detriment. He deserves to be happy too. As much as it breaks my heart, if that’s without me then I know I have to accept that.

And the kids should not be in a strained environment. It's not healthy.

I must sound so matter of fact about all this. Trust me my heart is breaking. All I’ve done for weeks is cry. Common sense tells me in time, I will get over it. Trying to envision life without him in it though just doesn’t compute right now.

So therein lies my problem. I can’t stand this half marriage limbo land I’m living in. But am I jumping the gun by saying no more I deserve to be happy too, when really I should just be sucking it up and supporting him right now?

I’m not even sure if my hanging on is helping or hurting his recovery.

Cherchez la femme. The 'love you but not in love with you' is the first line from The Script.

OP,

You need to put yourself first because he certainly is.

I don't think you have the full facts of what is going on but no doubt they will leak out in time.

I suggest you protect yourself and your children.

Staying with you because it is the lessor of two evils is not something you have to accept.

Time he moves out if he is so unhappy.

You deserve to be happy too.
What do you want?

I also think there is more to this than meets the eye - possibly another woman involved - if not an affair, the potential of someone else.

I think he should move out as part of a "trial separation" if you like, to give you some space.

I’m the main wage earner in our house. While hubby works he barely earns above minimum wage.

It sounds like he was always a bit shit @JJMW .

Stop feeling sorry for him - he is choosing not to get more evidence based help.

Insist that he sees his GP, gets treatment and stick with it. His feebleness and self-absorbedness is not fair on you- you're a human with feelings too. If he doesn't get on with one medication he needs to go back and try another out of the many available, until they hit on the right one for him.

He could also get therapy if it can be afforded, and also get on the NHS list.

You couuld get therapy for yourself to help you cope with the situation.

This person isn't thinking of your feelings at all- he's up his own arse. I don't think he deserves you to be honest @JJMW xx

If he is unwell, say depression, then this will not go away with a bit of oline support and soul searching. He needs to see his GP, get proper medical help. That may mean taking medication. So be it.

He has a responsibility to do whatever it takes to pull himself out of this. He owes it to himself, to you and to te dc to not allow this to take over his life. But only he can make the decision to ask for help.

I was in your dh's shoes a number of years ago. I was very poorly. But with GP support, meds, counselling and some big life changes, I pulled myself out of the deep, dark hole I had fallen into. I did it because I wasn't prepared to lose my marriage and my dc.

So it may be the case that he is genuinely unwell. Or it may be someone has turned his head. But you do have choices about what you want to do. If he is unwell and refuses to seek help then you may have to make some really difficult decisions. I wish you well @JJMW

I'd be asking him to pack his bags and find somewhere else to stay for the foreseeable future.

As you correctly said you deserve to be happy too.

You both need some space to decide your next steps. He's initiated this, and I expect there is more to it than he's saying, so he needs to be the one to find somewhere else to stay and to fund that for himself too.

I could of wrote this post 4 years ago OP. Protect yourself and your children, don’t hang about waiting to see if he decides you’re good enough.

11 years with a “good one” here - 2 DCs and noone could believe he would have an affair. But he did, I could of typed your post word for word.

Get him out the house, you deserve much more

It sounds like he is depressed, tbh. And as someone said - it won’t go away with some advice from Internet.
Problem with depression, though - is that to get help one needs to want to get better.
And feeling depressed often means not caring about much - or about getting better.
And not feeling anything much. Toward anyone, or anything.
So, maybe he is actually fallen out of love, but it may be depression talking.

In your place - as you seem to genuinely care for him - give it a bit of time. See if maybe he does get a little help online, and possibly decides to talk to the GP. There is a stigma to MH issues, and it’s worse for men. I hope he gets the help he needs.

He doesn't sound depressed he sounds guilty and pining over a new love interest.

OP, time to stop thinking about his wellbeing and best interests and to start concentrating on your own

Yeah, the fact he’s not willing to go to the GP or really work on this does tend to rather scream “head turned by someone else” unfortunately - whether he’s actually begun a physical affair or not. He’s not interested in getting better because he knows what the cause is - someone else - and doesn’t necessarily want it fixed.

If so, the limbo will only continue - he won’t make a firm decision because either a) he won’t want to give up the OM but neither will he want to lose the security of you either or b) he’ll hope that you get so fed up you end things, thus avoiding him taking any responsibility (and potentially looking like the bad guy) himself.

I really, really, really hope I’m wrong but honestly the parallels between your story and many who discovered they were being cheated on is striking. Has there been any other erratic behaviour - being defensive with his phone, going out at odd times, mentionitis of someone, etc, etc?

*OW not OM

I concur with PPs. He’s having an affair. Ask him to make arrangements to move out.

I have a severe mental health disability and while I know depression effects some people that way, I personally have never understood people who don't try everything to get better. My response is always to get help as soon as I think something's going wrong with my mental health and do virtually everything I can to help myself.

It's even less impressive because he's not single, he has you and the little ones to think of too. His actions don't only have an impact on himself.

@SarahBellam

Cherchez la femme. The 'love you but not in love with you' is the first line from The Script.

Bingo, bingo, bingo.

I'll eat my hat if it isn't this.

OP, you sound like a bit of a pickme if I'm honest. Looking after your own financial interests and those of your children doesn't make you a 'bitch'. What you've got there is a husband who is treating you badly while not contributing his share financially and now you're considering helping him out to your detriment when it sounds like he might well be cheating on you?

Wake up.

@me4real

I have a severe mental health disability and while I know depression effects some people that way, I personally have never understood people who don't try everything to get better. My response is always to get help as soon as I think something's going wrong with my mental health and do virtually everything I can to help myself.

It's even less impressive because he's not single, he has you and the little ones to think of too. His actions don't only have an impact on himself.

Same here, but I'm a woman. For some reason, women seem to be expected to sort themselves out and get mentally healthy if they are to expect a relationship or a stable life, but men seem to get pandered to and have excuses made for them. A generalisation but one I've found to be true throughout my life.

Whether he's having/thinking of an affair or not @JJMW , I agree with PP's that getting him to move out for a while is a good idea.

He needs to know that he can't be like this towards you. Living by himself will make it clear to him that he can't treat you this way without consequences, and all the power in your relationship isn't solely in his hands, he has to treat you well.

I think you will feel better for doing something that makes you feel more in control of the situation, more of an equal partner/human rather than waiting around for him to decide to stop treating you like shit.

This is exactly what happened to my best friend. Her husband was “depressed" so she turned herself in knot trying to make him happy. He wasn't in love with her but still cared blah blah. He was waiting to see if OW would leave her partner. He did break it off with my BF eventually, I think to prove to the OW that he was serious. The OW decided to stay with her partner so he came crawling back, he does love her afterall! Happy days 🙄

@megustalacerveza Not sure. I know I find it pretty annoying though. Maybe because my own dad was like it. Mum had to support us all financially.

And of course we women are always expected to play psychiatric nurse, or put up with any old crap treatment from men.

I had a partner say 'to me'

'If I'm in a relationship, why do I feel so alone?' And various other bullshit. He maybe had some MH problems but also midlife crisis/thinking he could do better than me and taking me for granted. He thought there was a glamorous life of shagging multiple babes out there maybe and thought he could do better even though he was 41 at the time and I was 27. OP's husband is taking her for granted, too.

Nowadays I like to think I wouldn't put up with that but would say something like 'I don't know, maybe you need to see what being alone feels like.' But I didn't have much money or other options and my own health was poor.

OP has some practical resources although emotionally she's attached to this loser who seems to have had a general trend of low-level leeching off her.

@me4real

Whether he's having/thinking of an affair or not *@JJMW* , I agree with PP's that getting him to move out for a while is a good idea.

He needs to know that he can't be like this towards you. Living by himself will make it clear to him that he can't treat you this way without consequences, and all the power in your relationship isn't solely in his hands, he has to treat you well.

I think you will feel better for doing something that makes you feel more in control of the situation, more of an equal partner/human rather than waiting around for him to decide to stop treating you like shit.

Whilst I generally agree, there’s a chance he might use this as a loophole to then get involved with any hypothetical OW to test things out (the old “we were on a break” excuse) and then ping-pong between deciding he wants to make a go of things again (once he’s had his full of the OW) and deciding he needs time out again as he’s suddenly “unsure” once more.

Not to say that giving him marching orders and forcing consequences isn’t the right thing to do - just to brace yourself for him to try this on. It could help enable him to have his cake and eat it, if you see what I mean, unless there’s clear further boundaries in place.

Personally, if there’s anyway you can investigate if anything untoward might be going on, at this stage without breaking personal boundaries (e.g. hacking into phones) I’d recommend it.

[quote me4real]@megustalacerveza Not sure. I know I find it pretty annoying though. Maybe because my own dad was like it. Mum had to support us all financially.

And of course we women are always expected to play psychiatric nurse, or put up with any old crap treatment from men.

I had a partner say 'to me'

'If I'm in a relationship, why do I feel so alone?' And various other bullshit. He maybe had some MH problems but also midlife crisis/thinking he could do better than me and taking me for granted. He thought there was a glamorous life of shagging multiple babes out there maybe and thought he could do better even though he was 41 at the time and I was 27. OP's husband is taking her for granted, too.

Nowadays I like to think I wouldn't put up with that but would say something like 'I don't know, maybe you need to see what being alone feels like.' But I didn't have much money or other options and my own health was poor.

OP has some practical resources although emotionally she's attached to this loser who seems to have had a general trend of low-level leeching off her.[/quote]
Yep. If a man is moody, grumpy and mean, it's "aww try communicating with him...he probably doesn't know how to express his feelings". If a woman acts like that, she's told she doesn't deserve to have a partner and she needs to work on her own issues.

Yes, it's self absorbed bullshit. I hope you left that guy in the end and are doing much better now? He sounds terrible.

Yes, it's self absorbed bullshit. I hope you left that guy in the end and are doing much better now? He sounds terrible

@megustalacerveza He actually saw the light for a while after I laid it on the line for him when he and my best friend had publically implied they were going to shag. I left for the night and when I saw him again I said

'I don't have to be with you. If you're crap, I won't bother.'

This is effectively the sort of thing OP could benefit from implying maybe.

Unfortunately he wasn't entirely consistent though and other b.s. continued like sexual entitlement, and the age difference was an issue, the sex was poor. He wouldn't marry me which probably was for the best. He wishes he had now though.

@me4real

Yes, it's self absorbed bullshit. I hope you left that guy in the end and are doing much better now? He sounds terrible

@megustalacerveza He actually saw the light for a while after I laid it on the line for him when he and my best friend had publically implied they were going to shag. I left for the night and when I saw him again I said

'I don't have to be with you. If you're crap, I won't bother.'

This is effectively the sort of thing OP could benefit from implying maybe.

Unfortunately he wasn't entirely consistent though and other b.s. continued like sexual entitlement, and the age difference was an issue, the sex was poor. He wouldn't marry me which probably was for the best. He wishes he had now though.

Ugh...it seems like women are so often taken for granted. I would also take this tack if I were OP, and I'd mean it. I'm sure she can do much better.

'I love you but I don't need you.'

Obviously that's harder to come out with with a family etc, but I'm sure OP could hypothetically manage fine on her own with the kids, without this liability.

Firstly I must address him earning less than me. He is no leech or sponger. If I earned less no one would be thinking that of me.

We’ve tried various options, me at home, paying for childcare and then finally settled on a role swop. Unusual yes, but works for us. He works reduced hours and does school runs etc. Picks up his fair share of house work and has total control of the kitchen (I hate cooking)

As for his current behaviour sadly he has admitted another women turned his head. He assured me nothing happened. I have caught him out in some lies recently but I’ve no reason to believe there’s been an actual affair.

He’s never suffered from depression before. I was ill about 10yrs ago and while it took some to get better I've been fine since. I do recognise the signs. It is genuine but yes frustrating he won’t see the GP. NHS do have some brilliant resources online at the mo for both the individual and person/s supporting them.

While I’m hurting right now I’m also getting increasingly angry with him. Think I just needed to hear that I’m not being a bitch, he is treating me badly and it’s OK to say enough is enough