Suck it up or accept its over?

[JJMW]

I must start by saying I married one of the good ones. This isn’t going to be a slate the hubby whinge fest.

So 8 weeks ago my hubby of 18 years tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. Or more specifically loves me but isn’t ‘in love’ with me

Were things a little stale? Yes. But this still came as a total shock.

Now fair play he’s been honest, but watching him keep crumbling and sobbing told me there was probably more to this.

Much of his behaviour recently is out of character. I’ve held him while he’s sobbed one minute and been treated like an emotional punch bag and blamed for how he is feeling the next. While I’ve no doubt our relationship is a contributing factor. I do believe there are many other factors that have lead to his downward spiral and depression.

But am I burying my head in the sand over my marriage wows?

It took a few weeks but hubby has accepted he’s not well. He doesn’t want to go to a GP or take pills but thankfully has been open to using online resources to help himself get better.

Returning to the he doesn’t love me anymore. We’ve talked and cried and both said we want to work on it. Finding ‘us’ again.

Hubby doesn’t seem to be all in though. He’s been yoyoing between saying he wants to work on us and clearly not wanting to be with me anymore. There's been no effection or effort.

His reasons for sticking around filter down to not having a better option, not wanting me or kids to have to move and financial.

I’m the main wage earner in our house. While hubby works he barely earns above minimum wage. Choices and decisions we’ve made over the years have lead to this. But they’re decisions we made together. We’ve always been 50/50 all the way. There’s never been my money and his money only our money.

So yes, splitting financially would be harder for him but I’m not some bitch that thinks I paid more in and the kids are staying with me so I get the majority. He knows for me it will always be 50/50 minimum.

I commend his not wanting to disrupt the family home, but to what detriment. He deserves to be happy too. As much as it breaks my heart, if that’s without me then I know I have to accept that.

And the kids should not be in a strained environment. It's not healthy.

I must sound so matter of fact about all this. Trust me my heart is breaking. All I’ve done for weeks is cry. Common sense tells me in time, I will get over it. Trying to envision life without him in it though just doesn’t compute right now.

So therein lies my problem. I can’t stand this half marriage limbo land I’m living in. But am I jumping the gun by saying no more I deserve to be happy too, when really I should just be sucking it up and supporting him right now?

I’m not even sure if my hanging on is helping or hurting his recovery.

So he clearly has an OW, your the main bread winner so he has a lot to loose if you separate. You say you will go 50/50 but you may find he becomes focussed on getting maintenance and pushes for 60/40 as you work more hours so he has more time with the kids and maintenance from you. You seem to think he is going to skip off and be happy with your plans. However it’s rare to be so straightforward when he has more to lose

So he has depression, perhaps, not diagnosed because he won't go to a GP, even though it could at the very least contribute to repairing your marriage. But he won't go.
He will sob on you and blame you though. What a guy.

He's lied, admitted having his head turned, has said he would leave but staying is his best option right now.

This is "one of the good guys" is it?

Basically OP no-one is going to move forward, whether that is with or not the marriage until something changes.

Honestly if my Mr was behaving like this, refusing to go to the GP, blaming me whilst expecting emotional support, lying, bringing up "oh I've had my sad, weak head turned by another whilst you were at work". I would get to the stage of "oh big fucking boo hoo".

Suggest a trial separation with him out of the house standing on his own two feet. Put a line in the sand that you have tried and heard enough of woe is me and until he starts showing steps of wanting to heal himself you start putting distance between you both.

He is being very unfair on you, very unfair.

@JJMW

Firstly I must address him earning less than me. He is no leech or sponger. If I earned less no one would be thinking that of me.

We’ve tried various options, me at home, paying for childcare and then finally settled on a role swop. Unusual yes, but works for us. He works reduced hours and does school runs etc. Picks up his fair share of house work and has total control of the kitchen (I hate cooking)

As for his current behaviour sadly he has admitted another women turned his head. He assured me nothing happened. I have caught him out in some lies recently but I’ve no reason to believe there’s been an actual affair.

He’s never suffered from depression before. I was ill about 10yrs ago and while it took some to get better I've been fine since. I do recognise the signs. It is genuine but yes frustrating he won’t see the GP. NHS do have some brilliant resources online at the mo for both the individual and person/s supporting them.

While I’m hurting right now I’m also getting increasingly angry with him. Think I just needed to hear that I’m not being a bitch, he is treating me badly and it’s OK to say enough is enough

He's trickle truthing you. Of course something happened. Not only is he cheating, he's trying to make you feel bad for him while admitting he's basically only still with you because it's convenient.

I mean, honestly! Come on! Stop wasting your energy on him. He's certainly not bothered about you.

He's comfortable - if he leaves he will have to support himself. It's a no brainer for him!

At present it looks like any depression is being caused by the truth of the ‘dilemma’ going on in his head. He has had his head turned by OW, you caught him out, he can’t lead his double life guilt free any more and is perhaps stringing two women along telling them God knows what to try to maintain a less than noble status quo.
The sudden bursting of tears and turning his emotions on you are probably not just the mood swings of depression, because when the guilt seeps in and he sees who he really is for himself, he knows that if you knew what he knows, you might never look at him the same again.
He thinks he might fancy another life, which he can’t get without it costing him dearly in material wealth and in the loss and/or severe damage to his relationship with you and his children. He flip flops mentally between wanting you and his family and the ‘excitement’ and newness of her. It’s screwing him up and until it stops one way or another it will eventually screw you up too, OP.
You can’t go on like this. Start protecting your mental health. Prioritise yourself now, he’s had enough airtime. He needs ultimatums to get him to sort his shit out once and for all. It’s very, very hard when you’re depressed (I know) but as a wise, brave poster upthread said, you have to find the strength to do everything you can to get better, for the sake of others around you as well as yourself.

He is a coward stuck in a hellish limbo of his own making. He might well be depressed, and need help, but until he faces up to himself and deals honestly with everyone, he will continue to be wracked with cognitive dissonance and guilt and that’s enough fuel to keep the depression going. Time won’t make this go away.
If he won’t come clean and be proactive, you need to spell out what you and your children need from him in your marriage and that you expect him to take steps to make sure it happens and spell out the consequences of his not doing so.
He’s in a dark place one way or another, it’s not kicking a depressed man when he’s down, you can sympathise with him whilst at the same time showing him the impact of his current lack of honesty, inertia and ‘woe is me’ attitude on you and your marriage.
He needs to step up, OP. This is on him, not you. You are not his ‘emotional punchbag’ you’re his wife, he needs to start respecting that and making some adult decisions.

Oh my god OP, I totally understand why you want to support and love him but this man is lying to you. Who cares whether he actually shagged some other woman or not - he has fallen for someone else, is feeling all traumatised that to be with her it means giving up his existing life and then, just to really amp up the shitty behaviour aspect, he's expecting you to be his emotional punching bag AND shoulder to cry on?

I feel for you, I really really do. But you need to tell him to sort himself out. He should leave for now while he figures out what's going on. He's only depressed because he can't have his lovely life with you and a lovely life with another woman. He needs to figure out what he wants and then you need to decide whether, if he wants you and your family after all, you even want him back.

It is hearbreaking to hear such words. I just dont get it, he said that he is not in love with you and what next? You have to fix that? Or it means that he doesnt want to be together and he wants you to break up?

Normally nobody is constantly IN LOVE all the time. The "in love" turns into "love" and thats much more than butterflies in stomach. So its unlikely he loves you either.

And if he is making such statement, he should pack his bags and move out.

You shouldnt feel sorry for him, and if it will be financially more difficult for him, its his problem, which he suppose to solve pretty quick as now he will be on his own and making decisions for himself.

He's minimising his affair OP. Please look after yourself and stop looking to fix him. He's created this mess and he is not going to get anywhere looking for answers from you. It's selfish and cruel of him to even put you through the flip flopping whilst he agonises over his feelings. He's worried about what he's giving up, not about you. He's not your friend anymore and you owe him nothing in return.

As for his current behaviour sadly he has admitted another women turned his head. He assured me nothing happened. I have caught him out in some lies recently but I’ve no reason to believe there’s been an actual affair

Thought as much OP, sorry.
This happened with my ex too (a couple of times in fact, I was weak and kept taking him back...)
He'd mope around claiming to be depressed, crying and being dramatic about stuff and then the truth would emerge that he'd met someone somewhere and was chatting on WhatsApp with her and was thinking of leaving to be with her.
A couple of times he did leave for a bit but then it turned out the WhatsApp women didn't actually want him and weren't interested and then he'd be back with me.
It took me a very long time to break out of that cycle and get rid of him for good.

I think you should kick him out and save yourself heartbreak going on for years and years. Yes, it will hurt now, but if you stay with him now and pour your energy into helping him overcome his "depression" (while he makes no effort to get proper medical help etc), all that will happen is that you will end up rock bottom, losing all your strength, possibly have mental health difficulties yourself, lose your self-esteem and the next time (and there will be a next time) he has "his head turned" the cycle will repeat but you will be even less strong than you are now and will find it harder to tell him to get on his bike.

It's all about him isn't it.

He's been crying, he's been emotionally abusive, he's depressed, he doesn't love you, he feels this, he feels that, he doesn't want to split as it'll be difficult for you and the dc (I think he means him), it's all him him him

He's not thinking of you at all in this op. You need to put yourself and your dc first for once

You really need to start getting angry. he has clearly been having an affair and the only reason he hasn't left is he doesn't know how he is going to fund his new lifestyle without you paying the bills.
You are trying so hard to be fair" to a man who is cheating on you. I guarantee if he does actually leave he will go for every single penny he can and won't be remotely concerned about being to be 2fair "to you. You will end of funding their entire romance if you are not careful.
Wake up !

Sounds like he's been dumped to me OP. He needs to leave and sort himself out. This atmosphere is no good for the kids.

Hello OP, I also could have written your post. I thought I was so lucky and finally had a really decent H and had a good marriage..... It turns out there was another woman. I will never get over how overnight he turned into someone I didn't recognise and he made me feel very suddenly that I repulsed him. Then he went back and forth one minute wanting a divorce, then switching back to being the person I had known, I was so confused. He tried to claim that our relationship had caused his out of the blue depression but couldn't articulate how. I was left feeling as though I'm worthless and still deeply struggle with this a year on. Needless to say after what I can only describe as mental torture we are getting divorced.

Please visit the ChumpLady website and if you can read her book ASAP. Also search Rosie Green she's a journalist and went through exactly the same with her ex whom she also thought was a good guy.

As grim as it is I would also suggest you get an STI check.

You are being played.

He has admitted that his head has been turned?

OP, you need to not be made a fool of here and protect yourself.

You are being played.

Op I think there IS something going on and before I would make any decisions, I would start looking for evidence.

And I wouldn’t bend over backwards to make a man happy that disrespected me enough to tell me that his ‘head has been turned by another woman’. Even if it’s just that, it’s his problem to deal with. What good does it bring you to know this? It will only make you insecure and question yourself so he should have kept that info to himself and deal with the issue alone if he was truly interested in sparing your feelings and giving the marriage another chance. He sounds manipulative and I would be wary.

I think you’re being far too generous and understanding here. So he has had his head turned and you are still putting him first!

So, he says he loves you but not in love with you. (the cheaters script) and bingo he has met someone else. He isn't depressed OP in the pure sense of the word he is just going through crazy emotions because he wants to be with the OW but the guilt of this is causing his behaviour. I would step away graciously and let him go. You will be better off financially and he can be looked after by the OW. But remember, this isn't depression this is guilt wrapped up wanting to be with someone else.

As for his current behaviour sadly he has admitted another women turned his head. He assured me nothing happened. I have caught him out in some lies recently but I’ve no reason to believe there’s been an actual affair.

Please don't fall for this.

The handwringing, love you but not in love, and supposedly feeling depressed in your first post screamed full on affair.

This just compounds it.

*I’m the main wage earner in our house. While hubby works he barely earns above minimum wage.

It sounds like he was always a bit shit*

Eh? Why are those of us on minimum wage 'a bit shit?' Do you say that to the many SAHMs on here who rely on their partners for money??

He is a bit shit though OP because he's after someone else but relies on your income so yes, I'd tell him to fuck off and see that the grass probably isn't greener.

He is having an affair.

He will give you the smallest amount of truthful information possible.

What lies have you caught him out on ?

You are not treating him badly and you can choose to end this.

Was about to say there’s a female involved somewhere, then read your latest post.
You need to get angry, get a solicitor, and stop being so nice. Do not agree to anything without running it past your solicitor.

And if he won’t address his mental health issues he needs to not be living with you and your children.
He needs to sort himself out.

I hate the term 'hubby'.

Anyway, he's a man with a wife and an extra woman. He wants to keep wifey onside so that she continues to help fund him. No woman 'turned his head'. He made that decision and he has almost certainly given her the benefit of his boner. If you get my drift.

You, OP, need out of the relationship. He's only there to sucker you now. I'm sorry.

The sudden bursting of tears and turning his emotions on you are probably not just the mood swings of depression, because when the guilt seeps in and he sees who he really is for himself, he knows that if you knew what he knows, you might never look at him the same again.

@Thewookiemustgo It could also be manipulation so OP feels she can't criticize him much, has to feel sorry for him and stay with him etc.

I’m the main wage earner in our house. While hubby works he barely earns above minimum wage.

It sounds like he was always a bit shit

Eh? Why are those of us on minimum wage 'a bit shit?' Do you say that to the many SAHMs on here who rely on their partners for money??

@HailAdrian No, I just meant he is not as professionally successful as OP, when he works. I'm disabled and unable to work myself except the odd bit of cleaning occassionally etc, so not against people on min wage of course, I am one when I can work.

My dad was a loser like this and that's why I seek a man I can respect and admire.

It's not what most women look for in a partner, and that's on top of all his other antics of (maybe more than emotional) infidelity, and using his wife as a CPN without appreciating her.

He's a Negative Value Male who's making OP's life worse rather than better.

He is a bit shit though OP because he's after someone else but relies on your income

Exactly.