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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with someone I can’t be with

44 replies

welshlove · 12/12/2021 20:13

I feel a bit silly posting this but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’m 38, separated with 1 DS. I’ve been working with the object of my affections for a few years and he’s become a good friend. I’ve recently realised that I’m completely in love with him and I can’t do anything about it because he’s in a long term relationship and has two children. One of the things I love about him is what a great dad he is and how hard he works to support his family. I can never tell him how I feel, I can’t see how any good could come of it. It hurts. This is why I’m here, telling some strangers on the internet instead!

He’s been a wonderful friend to me, but considering how I feel, should I put some distance between us? I know I’m going to find it really hard just being friends with him, so would it be better just to let the friendship fizzle out?

I feel like a teenager going through unrequited love, not a grown woman! I know it’s ridiculous really, but I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help!

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 12/12/2021 20:19

How is it ridiculous? No, it's not.

Your feelings are perfectly valid. You love him.

What you must not do though is tell him. It's not fair to him, his partner or kids.

Unrequited love is an absolute fucker. I'm afraid this ONLY was to allow it to subside is to not be around him, at all.
X

Original poster
welshlove · 12/12/2021 21:01

I know I can’t tell him, I can’t put him in that position. The trouble is, that feeling I get when I see or hear from him (mainly through work) is addictive and I need to wean myself off it. It’s going to be so hard

OP posts:
ImmutableSexQueen · 12/12/2021 21:09

we take deep breaths, stay calm and carry on.

Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2021 21:11

Think it might be time to change jobs.

You can't go on seeing someone you love but cannot be with. That's just being a martyr.

Start looking for a new place to work.
If need be, give yourself till the new year before handing in notice and take that time to say goodbye to him in your heart.

TremendouslyJolly · 12/12/2021 21:50

I am in the same position OP and understand your pain. It’s been 14 years for me. Fairly confident he feels similarly, but neither of us are prepared to hurt or lose our families so it can never be.

I think given you are single you run the risk of missing out on a lovely relationship with someone available due to your infatuation with this man, so agree it would probably be best to distance yourself. I know that will feel painful. The alternative is to come to a place of acceptance, if you think you can. This is what I am trying to do - I suspect ultimately I am happier with this person in my life even though I do feel sad that we can’t properly be together. I know I would feel more devastated if I went no contact with him. It’s tough either way though, you have my sympathy.

Itslit · 12/12/2021 21:52

Take it day by day.
I don’t agree that you need a new job. I think that time will tell you what you need to do.

Didimum · 12/12/2021 22:04

You need to employ a huge effort in putting distance between you and distracting yourself. Sure, it will be extremely hard. But what’s the alternative? Being miserable for years and also missing out on meeting someone wonderful who you can be with. Be strong and crack on with being a grown up.

Momijin · 12/12/2021 22:17

Have you tried dating? Loads of men out there. There will be someone available for you 😀

FestiveFlavours · 12/12/2021 23:33

@Didimum

You need to employ a huge effort in putting distance between you and distracting yourself. Sure, it will be extremely hard. But what’s the alternative? Being miserable for years and also missing out on meeting someone wonderful who you can be with. Be strong and crack on with being a grown up.
This.

Also, you haven’t even dated this guy so it isn’t love - it is only a crush.

You infatuation will be obvious to your colleagues as much as you think you are being subtle.

It is probably also obvious to the man you have a crush on, in which case he is using you as an ego boost which does not make him a “great dad” or a nice person.

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2021 23:37

Yeah, it’s infatuation. If you find reciprocated love with someone who’s free to reciprocate, it’ll fade away.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/12/2021 00:12

Yeah, you need to put some distance between you ASAP.

You are living in a fantasy and it’s not healthy.

FestiveFlavours · 13/12/2021 01:16

OP, your behaviour is not unusual. I think many of us have seen (or been) the lonely woman who gets a crush on a married man who is nice to her. It never makes her look good.

It’s probably why single women often complain about being phased out of social circles by married couples.

FestiveFlavours · 13/12/2021 01:34

@TremendouslyJolly

I am in the same position OP and understand your pain. It’s been 14 years for me. Fairly confident he feels similarly, but neither of us are prepared to hurt or lose our families so it can never be.

I think given you are single you run the risk of missing out on a lovely relationship with someone available due to your infatuation with this man, so agree it would probably be best to distance yourself. I know that will feel painful. The alternative is to come to a place of acceptance, if you think you can. This is what I am trying to do - I suspect ultimately I am happier with this person in my life even though I do feel sad that we can’t properly be together. I know I would feel more devastated if I went no contact with him. It’s tough either way though, you have my sympathy.

Jolly You’ve wasted 14 years of your life mooning after a married man? So you’ve been diverting all that emotional energy from your own family?

You deserve a full life. Your partner and children deserve a full life. The married man and his family deserve a full life without you hanging around like a sad puppy.

You are only able to be in your place of “acceptance” because you are using your own partner as a fall-back option. The OP is single so does not have that.

Get some therapy. Get a hobby. Get a divorce and let your partner be with someone that loves them and isn’t distracted elsewhere. Get over this insanity.

Corbally · 13/12/2021 01:43

What everyone else said. The crush will fade over time, anyway, but you can speed it up by avoiding seeing him, changing jobs etc. And stop seeing it in quite such a star-crossed love kind of way. There are lots of people each one of us could have a happy life with — it’s understandable that some of those will be unavailable. Chin up, OP. There are others, and mooning over one won’t help you see the others.

sunshine789 · 13/12/2021 16:08

Have you been in relations after you got separated?

As with this guy, you were not in relations, its more like a crush, and you like about him that he is a good father, because you have a DS and would like to have such guy, as most likely previous one wasnt a good one.
So you like that picture, the idea of being with this guy, but thats not a love, you are not relly in relations, you are just friends. You shoul stop thinking of him this way and go on a date with someone else. And dont leave that job, because at next one you migh fall in love with another guy, who is not available too.

Original poster
welshlove · 13/12/2021 16:59

I actually have a date this Friday which I was unsure about because of how I feel about my colleague. Would it be unfair on this new guy (it would be our first date) to go out with him while I’m feeling like this about someone else?

I suppose I have to start somewhere though!

I do think it’s more than just a crush, even if calling it love is a bit OTT. I’ve been friends with him for years and I feel like I know him really well. I see a crush as more someone you have with someone you don’t know. Also I’ve been married so I can tell the difference.

Just for clarity, I really don’t think anyone else could know I feel this way about him. We have a large group of mutual friends and when we socialise I chat with him in exactly the same way with our other colleagues. I don’t think even he’d know and would probably be really surprised ( not that I’m going to tell him obviously)

OP posts:
Original poster
welshlove · 13/12/2021 17:03

Oh and I’m not living in a fantasy either! I’ve made it clear in my OP that I can’t be with him and that I just came here to get it off my chest to help me get over it. Surely if I was in a fantasy I’d be doing the complete opposite?

OP posts:
IAAP · 13/12/2021 17:08

The love of my life is my oldest friend who is 85 more than 40 years older than me - I’d marry him tomorrow if he was 30 years younger - it can never be. But at least I have him as the love of my life

AryaStarkWolf · 13/12/2021 17:10

Go on the date, you never know, you might really like the guy!

I agree with whoever said that it's just a crush with this friend as well, I don't know if you can really be "in love" with someone without having been in relationship mode with them

Didimum · 13/12/2021 17:37

Who cares if it’s a crush, love, your soulmate or whatever else you or whoever else want to label it. Does it matter?

M0rT · 13/12/2021 17:53

Now that you've realised your feelings for this man are deeper than friendship and will hurt you, try to work on distancing yourself from him.
Go on the date, if necessary look at moving jobs, take up doing something with/for your child so your time at home is very busy.
What "position" do you think you'd be putting him in if you told him? Other than awkwardness that a friend/colleague had feelings for him he didn't return?
You need to quash any assumption that because you feel like that towards him it's reciprocated.
The reason there are many unhappy single people in the world is that attraction/affection going one way is no guarantee of it going the other.

Original poster
welshlove · 13/12/2021 18:06

@Didimum it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it is possible to love someone without being romantically involved. I love my best friend but have never been in a romantic relationship with her!
I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that I have been in a relationship with him (a friendship is a relationship) but what has changed is I’m also attracted to him, when I wasn’t before.

I’m not in a position to change jobs right now so that’s not an option for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
welshlove · 13/12/2021 18:11

@M0rT I’m not making any assumptions - I haven’t suggested anywhere that he might feel the same about me. The position I don’t want to put him in is one of awkwardness or make him question the genuine friendship we’ve had (I don’t want him to think I’ve been spending time with him just because I fancy him!)

Also, I’m not a lonely single person! I love my life as it is and am not looking to get into a serious relationship. My single life is very fulfilling, which is why this situation has come as such a shock for me

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/12/2021 18:15

All fair enough. You’ve had a lot of advice now. So what steps are you planning to take to make some distance from him?

M0rT · 13/12/2021 19:18

I didn't mean you were a lonely single person, I meant that the mismatch in feelings and attraction creates unhappiness and keeps people single.
I don't mean to be dismissive I understand it must hurt very much to feel so strongly for someone who sees you as just a friend.
I just don't want you hurting yourself further by hanging on to feelings because you secretly believe if things were different you'd be together.
His partner and children mustn't become a barrier to your happiness even in your head, because they are not.
The barrier is that you fell for someone who didn't fall back.
That doesn't mean you are a "lessor" person just that you are a normal person who doesn't live in a Merchant Ivory film.