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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with someone I can’t be with

44 replies

welshlove · 12/12/2021 20:13

I feel a bit silly posting this but I really need to get it off my chest.

I’m 38, separated with 1 DS. I’ve been working with the object of my affections for a few years and he’s become a good friend. I’ve recently realised that I’m completely in love with him and I can’t do anything about it because he’s in a long term relationship and has two children. One of the things I love about him is what a great dad he is and how hard he works to support his family. I can never tell him how I feel, I can’t see how any good could come of it. It hurts. This is why I’m here, telling some strangers on the internet instead!

He’s been a wonderful friend to me, but considering how I feel, should I put some distance between us? I know I’m going to find it really hard just being friends with him, so would it be better just to let the friendship fizzle out?

I feel like a teenager going through unrequited love, not a grown woman! I know it’s ridiculous really, but I don’t know how to deal with it. Please help!

OP posts:

lndnbrdge91 · 13/12/2021 20:06

What @Corbally says is true...there are people we meet we could be happy with in another life. You are kind not to tell him how you feel, I think that shows you care for him in a way that is more than a crush.

Saying that, you need a distraction. Hopefully in time you will see this for the passing phase that it should become in time.

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 00:56

@IAAP

The love of my life is my oldest friend who is 85 more than 40 years older than me - I’d marry him tomorrow if he was 30 years younger - it can never be. But at least I have him as the love of my life

Does he live in London ?

FoxgloveSummers · 14/12/2021 01:09

I agree with PP - you don’t really know what a relationship with him would be like, you’re presuming it’d be just like this friendship but with sex etc. However I and many other women have had the experience of dating a long term friend and finding their relationship side is NOTHING like their friendship. Mine turned out to be a real nasty bastard.

When it gets too much, tell yourself that.

Mermaidwaves · 14/12/2021 09:14

I agree with @FoxgloveSummers

I have a male friend who treats me like a queen, respectful, all the good things. But he is awful to girlfriends! Does all of the crap stuff you see on here and I can see why he is eternally single. You are only seeing a side to this guy, he may be very different in his personal life at home.

irene88 · 14/12/2021 09:44

I personally believe that love is something you build with someone else, through a relationship that's honest and transparent and where both people are on the same page.

What you feel for this person is infatuation or fascination or admiration, but in my opinion is not real love. It doesn't make it any easier or any less valid though.

I do believe that some people are more prone towards unrequited love than others - I for one have never been in love with someone who didn't like me back. Whenever I fancied someone who didn't appear to fancy me, I moved on very quickly and didn't allow it to grow, I just don't see the point in that. I have however been on the other side of unrequited love and that person has been in a similar position countless times before. He ADORED me and was obsessed with me, but he didn't know me, so he assumed I was a certain way and then became angry whenever I contradicted his idea about me.

You need to move away from this person. I do think he deserves to know the truth about your feelings, but not in a 'I like you, do you like me back' way, but rather in an 'I like you and I know you don't feel the same way and you're happy in your relationship, so I need to step away so that I can heal'. That will give him closure and hopefully he will empathise with you and help you move away.

Original poster

welshlove · 14/12/2021 09:58

It’s going to be quite easy to distance myself from him over Christmas as we will both be working different shifts and having quite a bit of time off. Socially I can claim to be doing family things so it doesn’t need to be obvious that I’m deliberately avoiding him.

Practically I can’t cut him out of my life completely, but I can at least spend the next few weeks trying to get over my feelings… and who knows, my date on Friday could be the hot millionaire I’ve been dreaming of all this time
Or we might just have a nice time together/not have a nice time and I’ll put it down to experience!

OP posts:

FoxgloveSummers · 14/12/2021 10:37

I actually have a date this Friday which I was unsure about because of how I feel about my colleague. Would it be unfair on this new guy (it would be our first date) to go out with him while I’m feeling like this about someone else?

Don't be silly! do go. You need distraction. This crush is a non starter.

Original poster

welshlove · 15/12/2021 19:35

So the Friday date guy has turned out to be a massive creep 😩
I think I’ll take a break until the New Year!

OP posts:

debutante911 · 15/12/2021 20:12

Namechanged.

@welshlove - Sorry you're going through this. It's very hard to have intense feelings for someone you cannot be with. Some posters are being very black and white and tbh, until a couple of years ago I probably would have been the same. I've been married for a long time, but met someone I felt an overwhelming connection to a few years ago. If he was a woman, he'd have become one of my closest friends - we get on so well. However, he's also married and it's clear we find each other attractive. Neither of us would risk ruining our broadly happy marriages and having an affair, so we continue to exist as we are.

It would be very difficult for me to cut him out of my life. Not just because I don't WANT to, but because of circumstances. Recently it's been feeling less 'dangerous' than it did initially. It's painful at times but I think we both try to be mature about it and accept that there are different kinds of 'love'.We don't have to act on it and blow up our lives. It is what it is. Hope you can get to a better place

Original poster

welshlove · 15/12/2021 20:29

@debutante911 thank you for sharing that and for understanding. I wish it was as black and white as others seem to think it is, it would make my life easier!

I know due to circumstances that I can’t cut him out completely either so will have to find a way of accepting that we’ll only ever be friends as we used to be

OP posts:

Stinkywizzleteets · 15/12/2021 20:38

It’s a crush OP. All all powerful, sweeps you off your feet, totally obsessed crush and that’s ok but it’s also all fantasy. You have built up this fantasy in your head about this guy and basically you need to get back to reality. Think of his face as he takes his fifth stinking shit of the day. Imagine him eating his toenail clippings or how he twirls his bogey around his finger before eating it , how he turns his pants inside out to get two days out of them even when skids. Hell even his cum face which is never pleasant…. Crushes are based on a combination of fantasy you’ve build up and what little you actually know of him as a colleague and possibly friend… the reality is rarely pretty.

Original poster

welshlove · 15/12/2021 20:59

I am not living in a fantasy (as I’ve said a few times now) The title of my post makes it clear that I know I can’t be with him. If I was living in a fantasy surely I wouldn’t be able to see that?
Please don’t make assumptions about how little you think I know him. We have worked and socialised together for nearly 10 years. I’m obviously not going to know him as well as his partner or family but I have a pretty realistic grasp of what kind of person he is

OP posts:

Nadsa03 · 21/01/2026 12:36

Disagree you can love someone you know but haven't dated. As she's friends and colleagues so she knows the real him around her. If anything it is harder to move on from than dating and not working out as you will always wonder 'what ifs'. Been threw this 8.5 years ago his job meant we couldn't date and we both were heartbroken. I still think of him but he's married and a parent now. Once you meet someone else you will move on. Always harder when single.

Samsdat · 21/01/2026 13:19

Longterm unrequited - or requited but prevented - love can absolutely be a fantasy. Real love is built on intimacy over a very long time, whether physical or not, of knowing all the little tiny good and bad things about someone and going through struggles in life together.

And plenty of people look like great parents from even a short distance who really aren’t at home, so there’s never a guarantee that what you see from the outside is the truth.

MonsterCatEgo · 21/01/2026 14:57

Jesus ladies, this thread is 4 years old!!

RandomSuitors · 21/01/2026 15:20

FoxgloveSummers · 14/12/2021 01:09

When it gets too much, tell yourself that.

Same, actually. Same situation and it turned out that being with him properly wasn’t nice at all. In fact one problem was that he had too many slightly boundary-less friendships with women. WHO would have guessed.

RandomSuitors · 21/01/2026 15:22

Also what pp said. Men especially who really ‘appear’ to be good parents are often show parents. Real good parents look tired and a bit grumpy with crisps in their hair.

abandoning · 21/01/2026 18:11

MonsterCatEgo · 21/01/2026 14:57

Jesus ladies, this thread is 4 years old!!

We need to know the out come then 🤣

Samsdat · 21/01/2026 19:08

MonsterCatEgo · 21/01/2026 14:57

Jesus ladies, this thread is 4 years old!!

yikes, sorry, I’m not the one who revived it but I saw that it was from December but not the year!

agree that we need to know the outcome! 😁

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