Don't know what I want

[BlueEyesUltimateDragon]

Backstory: DH and I have been together 6 years and married 4 years, have DS2 together and I have DS10 from a previous relationship (no contact with bio dad). We live away from both our families due to DHs work and so fairly isolated although I have a job I like and friends here and see family when we can (I do miss being near DM though). Life plan is to move eventually nearer DHs family but will be far away from mine - this has always been okay with me until recently now that we are having some issues, I don't want to be stuck away from all my family and our marriage breakdown etc.

We have been having some issues regarding parenting and DHs frequent swearing (in anger and in every day life). We have discussed several times but he seems unable to stop himself and doesn't see why it's a problem but it is a hard line for me. He also occasionally gets angry with older DS and can sometimes mock him, lecture him or nitpick him and this is another problem (I have posted previously about this but name changed).

I don't find DH attractive anymore. He wants to snuggle in bed and I just want to drink my cuppa. We haven't DTD since the summer and I have no desire to. He is a good man, kind and generous and he helps out when I ask (mostly) although rarely does anything off his own back. It's mainly his seeming annoyance with the kids at times which has killed it for me I think. There is lots more of little nit picking things I could mention but won't for now, just safe to say that while I love him like a best friend, I don't think I'm in love anymore.

I really don't know where to go from here. DM and I have spoken and she is adamant that if we split, I immediately move back but I'm currently training in my job and I actually like my job and friends so I would like to consider staying where I am. DH knows I was unhappy a couple of months ago (re: children, swearing etc) and he has been trying but I don't truly believe it will change permanently, there have already been slip ups and I'm constantly on edge to pick up on it. I feel I'd be giving up a stable and settled marriage and causing disruption to my kids lives but the truth is I'm scared to move far away and then be screwed. Argh, I have so many thoughts and just keep going round in circles. I don't actually think I want to be with anyone, I just want to be me and my kids.

Does attraction and love come back? Can a partner change for good? Am I a fool for wanting to destroy my marriage when he is inherently a good man? Any advice or help unpicking this is welcomed, I have only spoken to DM in RL and she is too emotionally involved I think.

That was all very me me me but I also worry that really DH deserves someone who fully appreciates him, flaws and all and, at the moment, that isn't me. I know he is still attracted to me.

"He also occasionally gets angry with older DS and can sometimes mock him, lecture him or nitpick him."

He sounds horrible... have you spoken to him about stopping this behaviour because it's not acceptable.

@Animood yes and he is working on it, he has certainly been less like this in the last couple of months since I got to a breaking point, although he does still nitpick and seem to get overly irritable with him at times

I'm constantly on edge to pick up on it. I feel I'd be giving up a stable and settled marriage

You're in denial, OP, and minimising your feelings. Being on edge isn't a settled marriage.

Do you actually feel like screaming, sometimes, when he disrespects your feelings?

You need to get him away from your older son. This man is his male role model, is this how you want your son to grow up ?
Does it get better ? No, resentment sets in.

[quote BlueEyesUltimateDragon]@Animood yes and he is working on it, he has certainly been less like this in the last couple of months since I got to a breaking point, although he does still nitpick and seem to get overly irritable with him at times[/quote]
Right so actually he hasn't changed really?

Do you realise his behaviour will be affecting your son now and will continue to affect him for the rest of his life?

I absolutely do realise the gravity of the situation with eldest DS - it was the source of a previous thread and remains the main reason I think the love has died in our relationship. Although he certainly isn't this the majority of the time, even the little it happens is a problem for me and DS is definitely getting more affected (I guess which is why this is always on my mind and I feel I need to understand and make a decision asap). It's very difficult that to the outside world he is amazing and in lots of ways he is, but the kids will be a deal breaker. I think sometimes my vision gets clouded and I think I posted this thread to help bring me back to earth a bit.

Your son will be a teenager soon, that’s when this will escalate.

In the previous thread was it your son with special needs who was being thrown around by your ex?

"He also occasionally gets angry with older DS and can sometimes mock him, lecture him or nitpick him and this is another problem (I have posted previously about this but name changed)".

And what did you think of the responses you got then?.

For your above comment, let alone the rest of what you write about your H (and he is not a good man) you should be firming up plans to leave him. You chose a poor example of a stepfather for your eldest child and your H has never and will infact never accept him. You cannot leave your eldest to be further picked on and otherwise got at by your H regardless of your work situation either. Your H wants to drag you and your children down with him.

If you feel on edge both children will pick up on that vibe you give out too. They also pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and your H.

If you write that your marriage is both stable and settled (denial after all is a powerful force) I would hate to think what your version of unstable and unsettled would look like. You minimise your feelings at your emotional peril.

Divorce is not failure, living in such an environment along with seeing your eldest being subjected to verbal abuse from his stepfather is. This man is nothing but a bully to him and you cannot even begin to protect your son here whilst you are all under the same roof.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world though I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your H. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Abuse too is insidious in its onset; he was likely all sweetness and light to you in the early days or your relationship.

@Animood no that wasn't mine, DH has never physically hurt any of us and I don't believe he would either.

@GoodnightGrandma that is what I fear

Your DH sounds vile. Also DM and I have spoken and she is adamant that if we split, I immediately move back is nonsense. You’re an adult and can live where you choose. She can be as adamant as she likes, you just say ‘no’.

@AttilaTheMeerkat strong words and I appreciate them, I genuinely am taking all this on board and you are all voicing things I have been fearing, which shows me I cannot be overreacting. My previous thread was regarding thinking I wanted to leave and others advising what to do I.e. lawyers etc. DH and I then spoke and agreed he would try to change and we would revisit. That was a couple of months ago and it hasn't been as bad but I do feel that I am still on watch for them arguing and stepping in to diffuse.

I really am grateful for all your replies.

Your boundaries, perhaps skewed by previous poor treatment in relationships, are being further got at by your H now.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none don't you?. That equally applies to the relationship your H has between his own self and his stepchild.

Your H does not have to use physical force to hurt his stepchild. If he was to decide that verbal violence was not enough I would think he would use physical force.

You as your children's mother cannot and must not be seen to be putting your husband ahead of either child here. If your eldest comes to think that you as his mum failed to protect him from his stepfather, your own relationship with him in years to come will be non existent.

If your H gets physically aggressive towards your elder son - I have only vague memories of your previous thread - then you have no choice, really.
If it’s verbal and he is trying to change - why not give him a chance and see.
Many marriages go through up and downs and things can improve.

As to what happens if you separate. I’d not automatically assume that you can just pick up and move away, as per your mom’s wishes. Father’s location counts just as well, and if he goes for 50/50 time with your child you’ll need to be nearby.
And by the sound of it - you have put roots where you are, and it’s important to have a good job/friends situation if your marriage is ending

You are an adult here with agency. Your children are reliant on you to make good choices for both you and they.

Words are cheap from your H; look at his actions. This is who your H is and he is not going to change. You cannot negotiate with someone like that, its doomed to failure because he just paid lip service. He does this because he can and it works for him to be like he is.

Be further brave here and plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention.

"If it’s verbal and he is trying to change - why not give him a chance and see.
Many marriages go through up and downs and things can improve".

How many chances should be given here by the OP?. Its a ridiculous notion frankly. He is also an adult with agency and he is nothing more than a bully to this young lad. Verbal abuse is just as damaging and no one type of abuse should be ever seen to be more tolerated.

This man promises to the OP he will change then reverts to type over the forthcoming months; its happened more than once too. He has caused this marriage to fail by his actions within it and what is being described here is far more serious than the usual ups and downs one would ever see in a emotionally healthy functioning marriage.

Yes attraction comes back, but I think unless he sorts his anger issues out and his behaviour with your eldest it's unlikely it ever will. Have you considered councilling?

you are all voicing things I have been fearing, which shows me I cannot be overreacting

We are validating you. Validate yourself. If you feel it, it is true for you. There is no objective 'right' or 'wrong', unless somebody is breaking the law. What you feel is right or wrong is the thing that's important, in relationships. Those things that you have been 'fearing', that fear that you've felt, is something that you have tried to ignore for a while. Trying to ignore it is minimising yourself, your natural responses. Silencing a feeling or disrespecting it is self-invalidation. If you feel fear, you have to find a way to make it go away, and squashing it and pretending it's not real, or labelling it an 'over reaction' doesn't make it go away.

Respect your feelings. Let them lead the way.

I don’t know if he can change and I don’t know if it is worth trying to change him, but if you do decide to try and work on the marriage would he entertain marriage counselling? It might help to have a safe space to air your feelings and to work on understanding each other better in terms of finding him attractive again, even if he changes you won’t necessarily feel attraction if resentments for his past behaviours remain. Counselling may help you to work out if you can forgive and move past them or not.

@AttilaTheMeerkat what you are saying is really resonating - I worried that DH wouldn't be able to change because he doesn't truly understand why things like swearing in front of the children (even in a casual, non aggressive way) is a problem and so he can't truly commit to change. The holidays will probably show me all the things you are all saying - we have several family visits upcoming and there is bound to be confrontation (DS will push boundaries like any child does when people visit and it's a special occasion).

@MMmomDD thank you, I think the stability of work and the children continuing in their schools and nursery would be beneficial to us, ideally we would also be closer to family but I am okay to be a little isolated, I have had a similar but opposite experience before (that time I was near family and wasn't working so lots of time to try and fill - at least I'd be very busy this time!)

@Saysama

Your DH sounds vile. Also DM and I have spoken and she is adamant that if we split, I immediately move back is nonsense. You’re an adult and can live where you choose. She can be as adamant as she likes, you just say ‘no’.

I’m sorry but this sent my red flag sensor off - have you swapped a highly controlling parents for a DH who is controlling. Both your DH and your mother sound vile. Move where you want. Do not confuse love and support for control - I did - highly controlling parents just wanted to support me - actually control!

''He also occasionally gets angry with older DS and can sometimes mock him, lecture him or nitpick him and this is another problem.''

That's the behaviour of a bully, not a mature adult.

Get rid. Your son can't protect himself, as he cannot leave the home, it is your job to act to remove your husband's toxic behaviour from this kid's life.