Don't know what I want

[BlueEyesUltimateDragon]

Backstory: DH and I have been together 6 years and married 4 years, have DS2 together and I have DS10 from a previous relationship (no contact with bio dad). We live away from both our families due to DHs work and so fairly isolated although I have a job I like and friends here and see family when we can (I do miss being near DM though). Life plan is to move eventually nearer DHs family but will be far away from mine - this has always been okay with me until recently now that we are having some issues, I don't want to be stuck away from all my family and our marriage breakdown etc.

We have been having some issues regarding parenting and DHs frequent swearing (in anger and in every day life). We have discussed several times but he seems unable to stop himself and doesn't see why it's a problem but it is a hard line for me. He also occasionally gets angry with older DS and can sometimes mock him, lecture him or nitpick him and this is another problem (I have posted previously about this but name changed).

I don't find DH attractive anymore. He wants to snuggle in bed and I just want to drink my cuppa. We haven't DTD since the summer and I have no desire to. He is a good man, kind and generous and he helps out when I ask (mostly) although rarely does anything off his own back. It's mainly his seeming annoyance with the kids at times which has killed it for me I think. There is lots more of little nit picking things I could mention but won't for now, just safe to say that while I love him like a best friend, I don't think I'm in love anymore.

I really don't know where to go from here. DM and I have spoken and she is adamant that if we split, I immediately move back but I'm currently training in my job and I actually like my job and friends so I would like to consider staying where I am. DH knows I was unhappy a couple of months ago (re: children, swearing etc) and he has been trying but I don't truly believe it will change permanently, there have already been slip ups and I'm constantly on edge to pick up on it. I feel I'd be giving up a stable and settled marriage and causing disruption to my kids lives but the truth is I'm scared to move far away and then be screwed. Argh, I have so many thoughts and just keep going round in circles. I don't actually think I want to be with anyone, I just want to be me and my kids.

Does attraction and love come back? Can a partner change for good? Am I a fool for wanting to destroy my marriage when he is inherently a good man? Any advice or help unpicking this is welcomed, I have only spoken to DM in RL and she is too emotionally involved I think.

@IAAP DM can be tricky sometimes but I genuinely have a good handle on how to deal with her now and it is working well for me (I've only felt this way the past few years). The above did cause me some confusion though because I can understand where she is coming from (I'd have family and old friends to support me) but at the same time I'm confident I'd be okay here with my job and newer friends, with regular contact with the further away friends and family, if that made sense.

If you’re ever thinking of moving back to your family you might want to do it before your oldest starts high school.
And how would your DH feel about his child moving there ? I

The point is that your mother doesn’t get a day in where you live and it’s a bit odd that you think she does. She can express an opinion, share concerns or tell you her preferences. However, it’s entirely up to you, you don’t have to justify it or get her on side.

When you say she’s tricky, what do you mean exactly? Saying you ‘genuinely have a good handle on how to deal with her now’ doesn’t make it sound like a healthy or mutually respectful relationship.

@GoodnightGrandma I don't think he would be happy but due to the nature of his job I don't think he would be able to have 50/50 custody and even overnights could be difficult for him to accommodate

@Saysama you are right, she can express her views but ultimately it is up to me.
She can be tricky because she can be overwhelming sometimes and if you disagree with her or do something she thinks isn't right, she can get quite stroppy and sulk for some time. This used to wind me up and we would fall out for short periods of time and I would end up really upset with it all. A few years ago I decided to let her get on with it when she is like this, remain friendly and just let her come round (but stay firm on my decisions) and this has actually worked well and we have cleared the air much more thoroughly, with her apologising for her part in it, rather than just me apologising and backing down. I accept this is the way she is and the good outweighs the bad in our relationship so I do what I can to make it easier for me.
I think part of her concern lies with the fact I have had some health concerns over the last 18 months and she genuinely doesn't know how I'd cope if it got worse and I was by myself but I would have to find a way and plenty of other people do.

I'd be getting ducks in a row to prep to leave once work training is done and you could get a job you enjoy nearer your family

Unfortunately it's very common for stepfathers to start taking against stepsons as they get older, it's basically evolutionary shadows they either consciously or subconsciously see them as a competitor

This ramps up as the child enters teenage and adulthood and tends as part of that process to become less placatory and more resistant to the stepfathers authority it's a very common problem in stepfather/stepson setups

Does he treat the 2 dc very different generally?

The scapegoat/golden child scenario is even more likely in blended families and damaging to both dc

Your son will be a teenager soon, that’s when this will escalate.

I can see that happening

Your H does not have to use physical force to hurt his stepchild.

Totally agree

I was raised in an abusive family and by far the hardest abuse to deal with is the mental/verbal stuff!

I'm 49 and I'm still majorly struggling with that as are my siblings

A reminder to pps that counselling is not advised where there is abuse that inc child abuse

It does sound as if your mother is very controlling also which may well be why you didn't recognise it initially in your husband

Protect your dc and move on. He won't change

@Graphista he treats them pretty fairly considering the age difference, he is finding the toddler stage frustrating as well. I have had fears both of him treating eldest differently and treating them both the same.

Thank you all for all your advice, I am truly taking it on board and figuring out what to do.