To be so upset and hurt that my DP has went off sex

[greywintersday]

Just that really. I feel so hurt and on the verge of tears quite often recently. Not sure if I am being ridiculous to be honest, probably am.

We have been together a long time, nearly 2 decades. Had a great sex life up until say about three years ago when it suddenly changed. We were still having regular sex but it was low effort on his part iyswim.

This year frequency has reduced to once a week, and then in recent months to once or maybe twice a month.

I have asked does he find me less attractive, is he bored, what is going on, is it medical.. but he just clams up and insists that everything is fine (he is like that with everything).

To be clear, I am NOT constantly bringing it up or anything. I'm being conscious not to do that, or act strangely, because I don't want to put any pressure on and make things more awkward.

DP I think is actively avoiding having sex with me recently. . On weekend mornings we used to have along lie in but frequently now he gets up early to do x y or z and has a go at me for being 'lazy' despite me hardly ever getting a lie in (work).
We had some child free time together today and he suggested we go a walk together (to get us out of the house so nothing could be suggested??) then said enjoy your day and went to watch football. Nice, but come on..

I'm really sad about it. I love him and do not want to split up but sex was a major part of our closeness. I've been with him since I was a teenager, and sex I did have before him was terrible, I'm only mid 30s and just don't think I can handle such infrequent sex. I dread if it's going to just get worse.

I'd be understanding if it was a health issue or whatever but he just will not open up about it.

It probably sounds silly to some people, since it's not that infrequent, but it's still a MASSIVE change from where we were for so many many years. Also it's so functional when we do it, the last time he actually said to me in bed "Do you want PROCESSED now??" He claims it was a throwaway joke because I complained in the past it's mechanical, but I think it had an underlying tone.

Don't even know what I'm asking, just wanted to see if anyone has any advice or been in this situation.

Do you think this may be the symptom of another problem in your relationship? People often go off sex when they're not happy with their partner. What's the rest of your relationship like?

Porn.

Are you doing your share of the mental load, housework etc? That's what men get told.

Is in he on any medication as that can affect sex drive

My husband is on blood pressure and blood thinners medication which have decreased his sex drive - I miss our love making but have got used to it now and the rare times we do make love seem all the more special now

How old is he ? , I’d be thinking ED or low T levels if he is avoiding sex or has lost some of his sex drive

@LightSpeeds I don't think so. I know people can hold resentment, and definitely we've had some very bad patches in the past, but no, things have been good for a long stretch now. No serious arguments, enjoy time together, affectionate.
There was a hurtful argument back in April. I mentioned - in passing, nothing sexual - just something came on tv which jolted my memory and I had had a drink so didn't think not to say out loud - about an ex from when I was like 16 that he didn't know about. This ex was quite a bit older than me and DP reacted quite badly to this, but it was short lived and lasted a day or too. I doubt it's that.

@Bytterscotch He claims to dislike porn and not watch it at all. I'm wise enough to know that may not be true though!!

@DrDreReturns Yeah if anything I do more.

@butmumineedit No he's not on any medication at all. I'm glad you have adjusted to your husband's situation.

@FabulousMrFifty He's early 40s. I did think it could be ED or low T. His erections haven't been as strong for a couple of years now and a couple of occasions he has went 'off the boil' during sex and we had to stop.

He needs to talk about this it's very selfish of him to just decide that the relationship is now sexless.
How old is he op and could he be watching porn ? .
All that being said to just go off sex like that will of course leave you feeling confused and self conscious.
If he won't talk or seek help then you need to decide if its a deal breaker because i couldn't live in a sex less relationship.

@Inthesameboatatmo He's never been one for talking, always gets defensive or shuts down and ignores any problems. In nearly 2 decades, we've somehow managed to get through - it's amazing with the lack of communication how we've made it work - I often think it's because we love each each so much. But I think this could well break us, sadly. What is it they say most splits are due to sex, money, or kids..

He's early 40s and says he doesn't watch porn but I don't know if he does or not. I don't like porn but he knows I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker unless it was excessive or replacing me. I wouldn't have been bothered when we had an active sex life, but if I found he'd been watching it now, I'd be even more hurt. He sets his internet history to auto delete - but that's not a new thing, he's always done that. I think I know his email password but I don't want to snoop as I'd hate if he did that to me.

Yeah I do feel really self conscious and sad.

He's definitely watching porn, or has an OnlyFans account or something. Sorry.

Oh @Linguini , I really hope not . I don't think I have a way of finding out, given his history auto deletes. Other than maybe getting into his email and see if he's any signing up emails or something. I don't want to do that though..

I suppose like someone else said, with a heavy heart I suppose I need to decide if it's a deal breaker.

This has been coming up a lot on Mumsnet recently. There was a thread running about this for several weeks which might be interesting for you to read (or depressing):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4374940-sexless-marriage-thread-anyone-want-to-join

I'm not sure anyone had any amazing advice on there. Some people have had some improvement when they've managed to explain to their partner that things can't go on that way and that it might lead to the end of the relationship. Sometimes that finally gets people to talk a bit more or try harder. Sometimes it doesn't work though.

P.S. It doesn't sound ridiculous or silly. It absolutely makes sense that this is upsetting for you. I think that this problem comes up in a lot of relationships and upsets a lot of people, but we don't always hear about it very much. A lot of people are pretending outwardly that everything is fine when really it's not.

He will be avoiding sex as he doesn’t want to seem like “less of a man” in your eyes ( he has already “gone of the boil”, then he will avoid this situation)

Okay so you have a tough conversation coming up, early onset ED is a early sign of heart/ cardiovascular issues, so he needs a full health check, probably one of those early 40 health MOT things.

Obviously you can get easily over the counter ED treatments now with no prescription.

Good luck, certainly sounds like ED

@Inthesameboatatmo

He needs to talk about this it's very selfish of him to just decide that the relationship is now sexless. How old is he op and could he be watching porn ? . All that being said to just go off sex like that will of course leave you feeling confused and self conscious. If he won't talk or seek help then you need to decide if its a deal breaker because i couldn't live in a sex less relationship.

This also works the other way as well, if a woman decides a relationship is now sexless, men feel confused upset and rejected and it may well be a deal breaker for the man

It sounds more like an age thing than a you thing. There’s something about early to mid 40s where mr floppy pays more visits and it suddenly becomes easier to avoid sex than confront what he may perceive as the shame of not being able to perform. The stress of what ifs just makes it even worse (I was going to say harder but in reality it makes it softer)

Men are sold this idea that it’s normal for them to be sex obsessed from puberty to death but it does often take a turn midlife for many reasons and it’s really hard for them to admit that to themselves let alone a partner.

My partner did this at 40 something which for me was a relief but I understand those with higher sex drives might take it very personally.

Is he affectionate in any other way?

Just trying to figure out the age difference here.
If you’re mid 30’s and you’ve been together for 20 years, so you were 15-17 when you met.
And he is early 40’s now, so in he’s 20’s then.

Does he have a thing (very) young girls?

@MoonbeamsGlittering Thanks for linking to that thread.
Sometimes that finally gets people to talk a bit more or try harder.
I am quite a - I don't really have the right word - passive person, I hate to pressure people and the thought that someone would have to try hard to want me in that way, well it horrifies me. I think though that I am maybe going to have to attempt to change myself a bit in this way. I said to a (trusted) female friend recently - it looks like I am going to be the one to have to swallow my pride and make ultimatum to try fix this, I resent that he won't talk.

@FabulousMrFifty There is no way he'll go for health check. Maybe a blood pressure check, but he won't have a blood test. This is someone who has been in excruciating pain before for months and refused to go to a GP. I have (gently) mentioned to him when this first started oh I saw that you can buy viagra without a prescription now.. , and the couple of times he did have full ED I could tell he felt bad and I was reassuring and said don't worry about it, there's tablets.
He's the type that would feel less than taking tablets.

I am concerned that if I push this, then he'll reframe it a bit (even sub consciously) in his mind as ME or US being associated with his 'problem', and could be open to cheating. I don't know, I know he won't want to see himself as having any issue so may redirect it, I know him well - he's never shown any sign before - but I am aware, mid life crisis etc. .

@Weegiewtf He is as affectionate as ever as far as hugs, stroking etc, just nothing sexual.

@Justsotirednow No, it's not that. It's not quite yet 20 years we've been together, but nearly. Was just trying to be vague for discretion reasons.
Yes, there was an age gap when we met, but he was pretty immature for late 20s still living at home, going out on the town etc and I was an independent late teens single mum.

His previous partners were all a similar age or older than him. He definitely doesn't have a thing for women way younger or anything.

There is no way he'll go for health check. Maybe a blood pressure check, but he won't have a blood test. This is someone who has been in excruciating pain before for months and refused to go to a GP. I have (gently) mentioned to him when this first started oh I saw that you can buy viagra without a prescription now.. , and the couple of times he did have full ED I could tell he felt bad and I was reassuring and said don't worry about it, there's tablets.
He's the type that would feel less than taking tablets.

Oh god, this paragraph just explains it all really. Getting ED a few times has got him in a state where he's anxious about it happening again, anxious about whether you think he's less of a man because of it, anxious HE'LL think he's less of a man because of it, and so it's just easier to avoid the risk than to try to fix it. Doubtless he's having feelings about getting old too.

I'm not one to ever say "men are like this, women like that" but one of the divides I find frustrating is so many men having such a block about seeking medical help. I've been reduced to yelling "just see a GP!!!" at DP a few times and guess what, it was always a fairly common problem that could be solved with a prescription. And that wasn't anything sexual, which ties men up in so many more knots.

If it's any comfort it's almost certainly not about how attractive you are, or about how attracted he still is to you. And someone who's anxious about their sexual performance isn't really going to try to cheat. I don't know how you can get him to get help for it though. Yelling "go and see a GP" works when it's only a skin condition but would probably not have a great effect on sexual performance. Having a big talk about it all might make him more self-conscious about it. Men can be bloody stubborn when it comes to ignoring what's wrong with them.

@greywintersday. You are still young in your prime hun. Don't waste the remaining years of life on a sexless relationship and a husband that doesn't communicate , I know, I was you a couple of years ago . Life is better on the other side trust me .

@greywintersday
Your husband sounds like my dad, he wouldn’t go the Dr either, turned he had terminal cancer.

Tell your partner to go the GP or your leaving, and tell him to get some tablets as well

@FabulousMrFifty I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

@greywintersday - thanks, he passed a few years back now, but he was the same, wouldn’t go and see the GP until my Mum threatened to leave, was too late by then.
You say are quite passive, you will have to change this and become a bit more assertive, either he get a check up or you go.

It's actually quite common for men to go off sex and for it to be nothing to do with hormones or health. Just as with women really, sometimes it can be because they're unhappy in the relationship, or tired, or there could be a physical cause which he is embarrassed to tell you about. But erectile dysfunction in men can be the first sign of problems with heart health so that's an important one to get checked out. You might find this Sexless marriage thread helpful - it's recent but you'll find there are plenty of similar ones on MN. And it doesn't seem to get better by its own, and the longer it's left, the harder it is to fix, so personally I think you should make sure the pair of you explore this issue sooner rather than later. It's awful to feel unwanted and rejected so you need to know what the problem is, and whether the two of you can fix this. Good luck.

@DivorcedAndDelighted Thanks, yeah that's a good point that it isn't likely to get better on it's own.