To be so upset and hurt that my DP has went off sex

[greywintersday]

Just that really. I feel so hurt and on the verge of tears quite often recently. Not sure if I am being ridiculous to be honest, probably am.

We have been together a long time, nearly 2 decades. Had a great sex life up until say about three years ago when it suddenly changed. We were still having regular sex but it was low effort on his part iyswim.

This year frequency has reduced to once a week, and then in recent months to once or maybe twice a month.

I have asked does he find me less attractive, is he bored, what is going on, is it medical.. but he just clams up and insists that everything is fine (he is like that with everything).

To be clear, I am NOT constantly bringing it up or anything. I'm being conscious not to do that, or act strangely, because I don't want to put any pressure on and make things more awkward.

DP I think is actively avoiding having sex with me recently. . On weekend mornings we used to have along lie in but frequently now he gets up early to do x y or z and has a go at me for being 'lazy' despite me hardly ever getting a lie in (work).
We had some child free time together today and he suggested we go a walk together (to get us out of the house so nothing could be suggested??) then said enjoy your day and went to watch football. Nice, but come on..

I'm really sad about it. I love him and do not want to split up but sex was a major part of our closeness. I've been with him since I was a teenager, and sex I did have before him was terrible, I'm only mid 30s and just don't think I can handle such infrequent sex. I dread if it's going to just get worse.

I'd be understanding if it was a health issue or whatever but he just will not open up about it.

It probably sounds silly to some people, since it's not that infrequent, but it's still a MASSIVE change from where we were for so many many years. Also it's so functional when we do it, the last time he actually said to me in bed "Do you want PROCESSED now??" He claims it was a throwaway joke because I complained in the past it's mechanical, but I think it had an underlying tone.

Don't even know what I'm asking, just wanted to see if anyone has any advice or been in this situation.

I think given your ages and the duration of your marriage - I’d wonder if this isn’t a combination of him getting older, lower testosterone and a bit of boredom.
And frankly I am not sure if there is a way to change it. As it requires him to actually want to.
And you are still young. So you can still meet someone else who is more compatible.

I’d tell him that. It’s not fair for one person in the marriage to check out of intimacy and expect nothing would change. Eventually something would give.
And you’ll either start having sex with someone else and leave. Or leave and start having sex with someone else.
Or, small chance - he wakes up and addresses the issue.

@ MMmomDD I think given your ages and the duration of your marriage - I’d wonder if this isn’t a combination of him getting older, lower testosterone and a bit of boredom.

Yes I think it could be a combination of those factors.

I wouldn't have sex with someone else. I couldn't, I'm pretty certain of that. I'd consider leaving though.

I'm also worried he will cheat. Not because I've ever had reason to think he would. Just that I'm not naive enough to think that someone bored of his sex life in ltr and worried about his performance and ego taking a big hit - someone in this situation could be prime for cheating.

I don't know. I never thought we'd be in this situation. So many years of great close sex. No seven year itch, no ten year itch. Maybe eventually it always gets to that.

I've been tearful today but not visibly upset so don't think he knows anything is up.

My DH suffered from ED last year. Went and got it checked out and found out he had type 2 diabetes. He's worked amazingly in a year and has effectively reversed the diabetes but sadly his drive has never come back and viagra makes him feel ill. Count yourself lucky. We've not had sexual since sept 20. ie not at all during 2021. We used to be once a week people so I'm really suffering.

@DrDreReturns

Are you doing your share of the mental load, housework etc? That's what men get told.

Yeah, your message would make sense if the reasons men and women went off sex wernt completely different Women often need their minds free of outside stressors whilst men often go off partnered sex due to porn Also why would you be asking if she is helping with housework , mental Load etc when it’s well documented that women do the lions share of these things and there’s little equality in many households

My dh suffers from ED, and as a result we're not as active. I was going to say he's less interested it I think that's wrong, I think he's just nervous about it 'not working'. It's more likely to be successful in the morning, and it's got a lot better since he's lost weight. It was definitely more of a problem when he was carrying excess weight. I think he was self conscious and more aware he'd go 'off the boil' he's then get in a vicious circle, worries = more likely to go 'off the boil' the more it happened the more he worried

What do you think would happen if you just left it for him to initiate sex ?

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully I'm sorry to hear about your husband getting diabetes. Thanks for your reply.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow Thanks for replying and for your advice. In regards to initiating, our 'dynamic' had always been before (up until about 3 years ago) that he'd always initiate, like 99% of the time. It just worked for us that way. I'm inclined that way and he initiated often and we were lucky to matched in desire and frequency. I do have my little 'signals' that I'd be in the mood, like kiss his neck or whatever, I suppose each couple does.

About 3 years ago, he still initiated as often, but the sex started being quite mechanical and he would touch me less, stopped most foreplay.

Then about 6 months ago, the frequency declined to about once a week. Then I did start 'playfully' (not outrightly but he knows what I mean) initiating. Sometimes he'd respond sometimes not.

Recent months it's dwindled to about a once a month maybe twice, he seems to actively avoid it, and when he does do it, it feels like it's partly for 'duty' and it's like 'to get me out of the way'. The way he joked "Do you want me to process you??" the last time seemed like not really a joke.

Sorry, realised I waffled on without answering!!

If I just pretended sex didn't exist, but still hugged etc, I'm not sure what would happen. That's what I've been doing recently. To try take the pressure off.

Sex scenes are really awkward silence between us. And one line in a comedy about "you know when the sex always goes in long term relationships" . talk about atmosphere. Not created by me, just both of us, if silences could talk.

Man are allowed go off sex too, not just women! Not a popular opinion on mn I know......

@TrishM80 I do appreciate that. I suppose I don't have much experience. I just know it's the first time it's happened to us and that is upsetting me.

OP - having reread your posts, I am wondering now. And I am normally not one to jump to quick conclusion, or to be overly suspicious.
I was originally suggesting that you’ll get tired and find sex on the side. But now I am wondering.
But, unless it’s a medical issue - it seems to me that something else may be going on.
Sometimes when men start having sex with someone else - they start getting less interested in their partner. And even feel guilty and avoid sex all together.
Sorry to be mentioning it. And I don’t know if there are any other changes in his behaviour, or any other sign. Or if he even has an opportunity to play on the side.

Yes - any one, men included, are allowed to go off sex. However, shutting down and not taking about it, and ignoring the effect it has on your partner shows disregard for their partner’s feelings. And doesn’t spell good news for the relationship.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

My dh suffers from ED, and as a result we're not as active. I was going to say he's less interested it I think that's wrong, I think he's just nervous about it 'not working'. It's more likely to be successful in the morning, and it's got a lot better since he's lost weight. It was definitely more of a problem when he was carrying excess weight. I think he was self conscious and more aware he'd go 'off the boil' he's then get in a vicious circle, worries = more likely to go 'off the boil' the more it happened the more he worried

What do you think would happen if you just left it for him to initiate sex ?

Morning sex is common for older men as the male hormone cycle is 24 hours with T levels being highest before 10am

Your DH needs to know that this is important to you, and how it makes you feel. If he genuinely cares about your relationship, he'll get a grip on his embarrassment and get checked out and/or see a sex therapist, if he knows that's what it'll take. I know someone who did this and, though their problems couldn't be fixed and the marriage ended, at least they both knew they'd really tried to save it.

It sounds like you're a very thoughtful and considerate person and you're worried about making things worse. Might it help to pour on tons of reassurance, but make it clear to him that eg "I love you and I don't want us to split up, but that means we've both got to fight for this relationship & that means you being open-minded and trying some things you might find embarrassing. Because a lot is at stake."

@TrishM80

Man are allowed go off sex too, not just women! Not a popular opinion on mn I know......

I don’t believe anyone here said they are not . There’s usually a reason people go off sex and the reasons are often different for men and woman . I think the OP is just trying to work out what’s happening in her particular situation

Sorry to say this, but after reading your later update (that he stopped most foreplay years ago and things became more mechanical), it sounds like maybe there is more going on, not just ED or that kind of thing. I could be wrong, of course. But I would say:

1. Clearly there is some kind of issue going on;
2. He knows what it is;
3. It's not nice of him to refuse to discuss it with you.

From reading Mumsnet it seems like a lot of men have this thing about not talking about issues like this. I don't understand what they expect to happen long-term. Do they think that they can just avoid talking about it forever and leave it to their partners to wonder what happened? Maybe they just aren't thinking that far ahead. But it seems like something needs to change, and he will need to be willing either to talk more or do more, if things are going to get better.

@MMmomDD It's fine, no worries about mentioning it. I wouldn't discount cheating as a possibility. Although there are zero other signs at all.

@FabulousMrFifty I will try to maybe gently suggest that it may be better in the morning, thanks.

@DivorcedAndDelighted That is a good way of wording it without me sounding too confrontational or emotional. It's difficult to sometimes find words when things are so emotionally charged.

@MoonbeamsGlittering Yes, it does seem like some men just stick their heads in the sand. What do you think could be going on?? (I can take it lol)

@greywintersday
I think you might need more than a gentle suggestion, it’s very difficult for any man to admit that they are having difficulty between the sheets, it’s so key to being a man.
You might need a more Firm approach, no pun intended, maybe a post dinner chat about it,
Something along the lines Of “is everything okay with us, I’ve noticed things have changed recently “, or words to that effect and go from there, but be prepared for him to be defensive
Good luck

@FabulousMrFifty I have had the conversations with him quite a few times. A couple of times I even got upset and cried - which I honestly didn't mean in any kind of manipulative way at all, it's just hurtful. I have been pretty direct as well at times.

I've brought it up maybe every 2 months for the past 3 years.

Each time he just either just shrugs it off ("I'm just comfortable" "It's just how I am" "Yes I still like you in that way"). Or he gets defensive ("Stop creating issues" "I'm not having any more of this talk").

I really just don't know what to do anymore.

It's not just the sex, it's the closeness with him in particular I miss. Hugs are lovely, but you can hug a friend.

If he won’t even discuss this, then probably time to rethink your relationship,
Sorry

Yes, I think that's why I'm so sad. He would probably discuss it if I gave an ultimatum, but I do think an ultimatum would damage the relationship further and would likely result in effort for a while then back to normal. I'm a firm believer that people usually do what they want to do at the end of the day.

Each time he just either just shrugs it off ("I'm just comfortable" "It's just how I am" "Yes I still like you in that way"). Or he gets defensive ("Stop creating issues" "I'm not having any more of this talk")

So you HAVE talked and he’s told you what the “issue” is. He’s having exactly the frequency and kind of sex with you that’s he’s comfortable / happy with.

There is NO ISSUE issue for him.

He’s not willing to address it in any way because it’s not a problem for him.

What’s the mystery - it’s there in black and white in your own post.

He’s happy with you way things are and he’s not going to change . He doesn't care that you are unhappy - that’s not his problem it’s your problem

So you have two choices:

1. Stay and accept this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of your life .

1. Leave and look for another relationship with a man that cares about meeting your needs.

You’ve already said that you wouldn’t consider and open marriage so I’ve not put that as an option.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Its not silly or ridiculous, itsa problem and it should be solved. That fact that he doesnt want to talk, is selfish. You are a couple and such things should be discussed. And if you are not happy with such sexual life, I would consider separation.
Its just not very clear, sex problems caused relations problems, or relations problems caused sex problems. Because from what you described it doesnt look like you are having honeymoon vibes, its more like he doesnt even want to spend time together.

Three years ago he started an affair

He has been actively moving away from you since

It sounds like you really have made a lot of effort to talk with him about it already, and he just won't give you any more details. I guess you could try going down the path of flattery, like "I really enjoy having sex with you and I would love to have more, do you think there might be a way that you'd like to do this with me?" but it might feel like trying too hard, and it would be even more of a letdown if he still said no.

It does seem like he just doesn't want sex very much now, and you want him to want it (which is completely understandable), but I'm sure you've tried things and it hasn't helped so far. If he's already throwing bad jokes in your face then I'm afraid it doesn't sound great.

@MrMrsJones Oh my goodness I really hope not. I say he's not the type to cheat, I mean he's not the type to actively try to cheat. I'm not sure under certain circumstances he wouldn't. However, I will be beyond shocked if he's been having an affair for 3 years. That's not what he would do. He'd 'admire' the person first, pretending nothing was happening to himself, then if reciprocated, he may respond. In which case he'd convince himself he was in love and go absolutely batshit crazy and I would know. He couldn't keep a doule life up for a few months, never mind a few years!! Still really worries me though.

@MoonbeamsGlittering
If he's already throwing bad jokes in your face then I'm afraid it doesn't sound great.
Yes. I'm kind of hoping the bad jokes are a way of trying to cover up embarrassment at ED / low drive. Or not hoping, but you see what I mean.. Other options such as he's not attracted to me anymore, he's way into porn now, or likes someone else .. well they are all dealbreakers. But like you say, I just don't know.