I have tried everything and now feel so desperately lonely I can’t seem to carry on

[SadSallySad]

I am so lonely. Im posting out of desperation.

I have lots of friends and an ok relationship with family but I have been single now for years, apart from a relationship than ended a few months ago after he couldn’t or wouldn’t commit. We were only together for a year but it really did push me over the edge. Not necessarily about him but the fact that I am beyond exhausted with trying to make things work with someone.

When I say I’ve tried everything that’s no exaggeration.

I’ve dated lots
I’ve taken a break from dating
I’ve tried to pursue other things and focus only on myself
I’ve put a relationship out of my mind
I’ve gone out of my way to make conversation and attend lots of things to try and up the chances of meeting someone
I’ve had phases where I’ve given up
I’ve joined LOADS of walking, rock climbing, painting classes etc.
I’ve travelled.
I’ve asked friends if they know of anyone single.
Ive revisited old flames but nearly all are married now.
I’ve had lots of therapy and still do.

All my siblings are married with kids. I’m the second oldest.

I feel like the odd one out all the time, in every situation. I know on one level that a relationship and family isn’t everything but honestly, it’s something I’ve wanted all my life.

My whole life is now consumed by this. Even my career is being damaged by it because nearly all of everyday is me feeling distraught at being alone.

I wake up without fail every night at 3 or 4 am and feel anxious and sated about the future. I cry most days about it.

I used to be quite attractive (physically and mentally) and I have just sunk fast into a pit of despair. I am so unhappy.

I’ve been to the GP and they offered antidepressants/anxiety treatment which I’ve taken. None of it removes this sadness for a home with someone though. Nothing stops that feeling of darkness. Even when I’ve had action packed days, which is usual for me, that horrible horrible feeling is deep inside me all the time. I have so much love to give and I long to have a close relationship where we are a team and share a future.

My sister announced her third pregnancy last night and she’s 5 years younger than me. I am struggling to even express happiness anymore for anyone as I feel I’ve watched all my friends and family move forward with their life while I’ve been here alone all this time.

I know nobody here can magically change my situation but I am just so desperate and feel so old and lonely that I had to do something and so I’ve posted here.

Ah bless you xx it's not easy is it. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just a hug. All you can do is be the best you possible and try to enjoy what you do do. Not everyone gets their first choice life, many make the best of it. It does seem that its messing up your head space a bit tho, so why not focus on that for a bit somehow? Also have you tried the music scene? Generally lots of blokes there? X

I am so sad for you. But I think it’s important you stop waiting for the right man. How old are you? You only get one previous life, and there’s no point looking back and realising you spent your best years waiting. Only doing stuff in case Mr Right is there means there’s such a high bar for everything and it can’t be enjoyed in its own right…

Thanks. I’m 38. I feel like it’s all over for me now. What man wants a 38 year old woman who wants to settle down ASAP. Nobody, they have their choice of much younger women.

Sometimes life is like that unfair, you can be doing all you can do and still not find someone you want to spend your life with. I’ve made peace that in my mid 40s it never going happen. Well not peace as such but I’m to worn out fight the anger and frustration that I can’t seem to “adult” in such a Basic way.

I live on a busy road so often spend time watching people walk past and can’t help but think they are nothing special how come they have partner and kids and I can’t? Sadly society tells us it’s a personal flaw we havnt tried hard enough or else our character is lacking and if we developed ourselves or happier in our skin someone else should magically fine us attractive. When plain truth is people met and have sex and babies in every possible bad situation going. Drug addicts to do have babies because they are 100% positive and rounded I difuyal with all their personal goals sorted.

Sorry not offer any practical help but life is shit sometimes no logical or reason. For many people it just doesn’t happen. It does get easier and you have vey right to grief that.

It’s really hard isn’t it, especially this time of year. Hugs 🤗

That's so sad and it's tough trying to climb back up.
After my sister died I couldn't function.
I started volunteering at the care home in our village. It was so incredibly rewarding. I was appreciated and adored. I felt like I had something to get up for and give so it was such a boost. Lots of happy smiley faces which reminded me I was special. I was with people instead of hiding under my duvet.
There are lots of other options too which might be of more interest.

Give it a go?

Hi OP. I am sorry you have found yourself here. I have a colleague who is in a similar position and she has just had a baby via IVF (alone). But I think for her the baby was more important than a partner.

The other thing I would say is that soon people will start divorcing and then you might meet a divorcee? They may well be keener to meet someone of their own age.

I'm sorry as you sound like you really tried and are so down about it. My friend found her one in her mid 40s. He has young DC from previous relationships, so she is having a large family too.

I'd like to say too, 38 is not over by any means. So hear me on that please...I met my now fiance four years ago when I was 43. So you've got five years on me...

I am so sorry OP. It is a very tough thing to cope with. I was single for too long before meeting DH and well remember the pain of having to grin at yet another pregnancy announcement from siblings when I couldn't even find someone who liked me enough to spend a few weeks with me.

Is there anything you could do differently? You say who'd want a 38 year old when they can meet someone younger? Well a man in his mid forties to fifties would. You are that young, fresh woman to him. If you have been OLD, have you looked at your filters to see if they are cutting off potential partners? Are you ruling out slightly shorter men, who are so often dismissed out of hand? Or slightly older men? I have a lovely friend whose wife dumped him without warning. He was brokenhearted but then met a single woman in her early forties and they now have a child. He's also shorter than average but handsome, kind, funny with a great job.

And I know it is a horrible cliche, but desperation is a passion-killing vibe. If you join art groups, walking groups etc in order to find a man, it won't work. If you do it in order to enjoy the activity, it's more likely to work.

I also know people who met their life partners in their forties and one in her mid fifties. Love of each other's life. Still wild about each other in their late sixties. Seeing them fall in love was like watching Romeo and Juliet.

Dear Sally, I your sadness is literally overwhelming. I am so sorry.

I can't really advise but I sympathise in spades.

A cousin of mine found lasting love and the grand old age of 50. I'm not sure if that helps you, especially if you wish to take the advice of PPs not to continue "looking".

OP, I am sorry you feel so lonely. I've no advice but did want to offer you my support.

And FWIW, I had my first DS at 39.

A good friend of mine was in exactly your position at your age OP. She joined one of those matchmaking services that you pay for and she was introduced to a handful of people that she was matched with. One of them became her DH. First DC born at 39, second at 41. It can and does happen, but you need to be proactive. No more 'taking a break from dating' and 'focusing on yourself'. Those things definitely have their place, but if you want to have biological DC you have two choices at this point - throw everything at meeting someone right now, or go the sperm donor route. Or you could do both. But do something.

Although it would be tough maybe having a baby in your own through IVF would be the answer. Life would be busy but fulfilling and the chances are you’d meet someone in the same position as you. There are many agencies for single parents, good luck!

I really feel for you. It is so random who meets a partner and who doesn't. And if those that do, who ends up miserable from a bad fit /character and who ends up happy for a while then drifting apart or stays happily ever after. There is little rhyme or reason to it. One of the most fabulous ladies I know was taken for a ride by a very good liar which cost her nearly a decade in a dead end relationship (as it turned out) followed by another 5 years recovery and now she is back in the game, the game has well moved on. I how she still meets someone but it is less likely as time goes by. She leads a very active life and pets provide companionship so she deals with it that way. But she also wants a partner and its not fair she hasn't got one, just like you.
I have no advice to offer only a hand hold.

Hi OP,
I feel you. My situation is a little different to yours but just today I am feeling such a deep sadness, and the hardest thing is just accepting it.
Truly believe I will be on my own now for the rest of my days - I have tried dating, but it's just full of flakes and bullshitters and no one wants to commit or be serious, it seems as soon as there's a small problem or the excitement is gone, they move on to the next.
There'll be loads of posters along saying "don't worry it will happen" but the chances are so slim.
I think the way forward is just accepting this and finding an alternative path that's somewhat fulfilling.
I so know what you mean though, my life on the whole isn't bad, I have plenty to do and plenty of good things in it, I just want to be loved, too. It's so easy for those happily coupled up to say, "oh there's so much more to life than this"; when in fact you might have everything else just not "this" and it does really hurt, I think it is a very basic need and if it is unmet, it's so hard to carry on with everything else.
I'm sorry that I have no real advice I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Dreading Christmas/ the festive season this year, I'm feeling so desperately lonely and know it's going to be 100x worse then.
Virtual hug to you.

@SadSallySad

Thanks. I’m 38. I feel like it’s all over for me now. What man wants a 38 year old woman who wants to settle down ASAP. Nobody, they have their choice of much younger women.

My DP for one. I didn’t wait for him to rescue me or lift me out of the blues though. He’s lucky to have me and vice versa.

@SadSallySad oh please don’t feel total utter despair- your route might not be typical or what you wanted but you do have options - as a pp has said you could consider a baby on your own- and I also was shocked to see you are only 38!! I read your post and thought you were 50+! So I really don’t think it’s all over for you absolutely not. Have you tried dating agencies? I know they aren’t the typical most romantic beginning but they might save you quite a lot of time with all the clubs etc as a proper upmarket dating agency will have others who are obviously also actively looking. I bet you are hotter than you think too!! My uncle has never married or really had a serious serious long term relationship- he is in his 50s. He was telling my dad this morning how lonely he is and how there’s no single women out there etc- you are both proof the other is out there! Please don’t give in to the feeling of despair- i do think re baby you could think seriously about other options available to you but I absolutely do not think you will be alone forever xxxx

I’m so sorry OP.
I know how you feel.
I’ve never been in a relationship, around your age and it is awful.

I’m sorry, I don’t really know how to help.
Just a hand hold.
You’re not alone in this.

Hi OP,
I am in a very similar situation to yours. I know how hard it is not to despair.

Earlier this year I had a sudden realisation that finding someone to love and care for was unlikely to ever happen for me. The process of coming to terms with that has been like a bereavement. I have been mourning the death of one of the central dreams of my life.

These days I have mostly come to terms with it but every once in a while something will lift the lid on the deep well of sadness. A few days ago I came across a card with the traditional wedding vows written on it. I read those simple, beautiful words and cried.

Though I know the chances are very slim I am going to force myself keep trying to find love. As the old saying goes "you only truly fail when you give up".

OP please please do not give up trying.
Virtual hugs to you.

So sorry to read this op. It’s sad and like others have said not a good time of year.
I’d be tempted to say the same as others have and get yourself out there. It may feel like an upward struggle but you aren’t old and people don’t know you’re free if you don’t make yourself known as such.

I’m 42 and have felt like this the last few weeks. I ended a relationship with who I thought was my best friend..cheesy I know but it hurts so much. I’d been future faked and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Today I sat just feeling so fed up and at a loss.
Hugs…you will be ok

You are not alone....I am 57 and never married as have many of my single friends. I too, had to go through a grieving process acknowledging I was not going to meet Mr Right whilst all others around me seem to be doing just that. I have never had the white dress, wedding car, vows or honeymoon. I am absolutely fine with it now and very happy that it didn't happen. My other single friends all had to go through that grieving process to acceptance and then happiness. I will let you in to a secret....of all our friends who are married (some of them are on to their second and third marriages) they seem to be on tablets for something or other, depression or anxiety or cant sleep with stress of the relationship. Myself and my other friends who never married and are in their 50s and 60s are out and about seeing friends, getting up to no good with fun and frolics and trying out new experiences in travelling and creating new friendships and starting up new relationships as I am. Life sometimes doesnt give you what you want but if you can process this you can find a way to happiness...I promise you that.

I'm 37 and in the exact same position OP. I avoid people as much as possible because I'm so embarrassed about it and I don't want anyone twigging onto how depressed I am x