I have tried everything and now feel so desperately lonely I can’t seem to carry on

[SadSallySad]

I am so lonely. Im posting out of desperation.

I have lots of friends and an ok relationship with family but I have been single now for years, apart from a relationship than ended a few months ago after he couldn’t or wouldn’t commit. We were only together for a year but it really did push me over the edge. Not necessarily about him but the fact that I am beyond exhausted with trying to make things work with someone.

When I say I’ve tried everything that’s no exaggeration.

I’ve dated lots
I’ve taken a break from dating
I’ve tried to pursue other things and focus only on myself
I’ve put a relationship out of my mind
I’ve gone out of my way to make conversation and attend lots of things to try and up the chances of meeting someone
I’ve had phases where I’ve given up
I’ve joined LOADS of walking, rock climbing, painting classes etc.
I’ve travelled.
I’ve asked friends if they know of anyone single.
Ive revisited old flames but nearly all are married now.
I’ve had lots of therapy and still do.

All my siblings are married with kids. I’m the second oldest.

I feel like the odd one out all the time, in every situation. I know on one level that a relationship and family isn’t everything but honestly, it’s something I’ve wanted all my life.

My whole life is now consumed by this. Even my career is being damaged by it because nearly all of everyday is me feeling distraught at being alone.

I wake up without fail every night at 3 or 4 am and feel anxious and sated about the future. I cry most days about it.

I used to be quite attractive (physically and mentally) and I have just sunk fast into a pit of despair. I am so unhappy.

I’ve been to the GP and they offered antidepressants/anxiety treatment which I’ve taken. None of it removes this sadness for a home with someone though. Nothing stops that feeling of darkness. Even when I’ve had action packed days, which is usual for me, that horrible horrible feeling is deep inside me all the time. I have so much love to give and I long to have a close relationship where we are a team and share a future.

My sister announced her third pregnancy last night and she’s 5 years younger than me. I am struggling to even express happiness anymore for anyone as I feel I’ve watched all my friends and family move forward with their life while I’ve been here alone all this time.

I know nobody here can magically change my situation but I am just so desperate and feel so old and lonely that I had to do something and so I’ve posted here.

Is it more the relationship or child would you say Sally? Would you consider going it alone with a donor?

I am beyond exhausted with trying to make things work with someone

I think dating in this frame on mind would be risky as you are vunerable to bending yourself out of shape to make it work, and potentially ignoring the red flags of a grade A wanker. Would you consider a donor? That way the biological clock isn't ticking, there won't be the loneliness, and you can take your time choosing the right partner.

Well I did get married , thought I had the dream and he left me. So I’m now mid 40’s and childless & like you all my siblings and cousins have kids or are announcing they are pregnant. It’s hard. But.. I have taken a different take on things. I’m not waiting for a man to walk into my life . I want to have fun.. so join the apps and go on dates, not with the intention of meeting the love of my life, but with the intention of hopefully meeting nice people, being spoilt , having nice dinners and getting out the house. It’s been great!
If one of my friends happen to become something more - I’d welcome it, but I won’t mope ,, those days are over!

If you want to have children you could look into co-parenting websites, I read an article about this. It's for people looking to co-parent without a romantic relationship, usually people in their late 30s or early 40s who haven't found a partner to start a family with. (Although a few do then happen to go on to form romantic relationships to but this very much isn't the goal.) Usually they spend about a year getting to know one another first before drawing up the co-parenting contract and going ahead.

Mr Right may or may not come along while you are looking into this, or after you've done it, and that's okay.

If you want to try therapy for how you feel about your situation, but something a bit different, try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It's worked for me where other approaches didn't. Although I need to go again now for a top-op as my circumstances have changed.

OP I totally get where you are coming from however I'm much older than you (I'm 50). I feel like i've done everything to meet the one and when I thought I had (twice) they both cheated on me, the last one was about 9 years ago when I thought I had finally after many years single I had found Mr Right.

Almost every day I can't believe my life turned out the way it did, I never thought I would be alone at this age. Sometimes a well of sadness just overwhelms me and I can hardly stand to be around people especially ones in happy relationships. People always say that I will find someone but at 50 and with me being fat, old, and now ugly from a medical issue I know that's not true. It's a bitter pill to swallow and it leaves me swimming in sadness almost every day. i know it's over for me but youre still young enough to find someone, and hopefully you do or you learn to accept your place in life which I'm still struggling to do.

@Akire

Sometimes life is like that unfair, you can be doing all you can do and still not find someone you want to spend your life with. I’ve made peace that in my mid 40s it never going happen. Well not peace as such but I’m to worn out fight the anger and frustration that I can’t seem to “adult” in such a Basic way.

I live on a busy road so often spend time watching people walk past and can’t help but think they are nothing special how come they have partner and kids and I can’t? Sadly society tells us it’s a personal flaw we havnt tried hard enough or else our character is lacking and if we developed ourselves or happier in our skin someone else should magically fine us attractive. When plain truth is people met and have sex and babies in every possible bad situation going. Drug addicts to do have babies because they are 100% positive and rounded I difuyal with all their personal goals sorted.

Sorry not offer any practical help but life is shit sometimes no logical or reason. For many people it just doesn’t happen. It does get easier and you have vey right to grief that.

I live on a busy road so often spend time watching people walk past and can’t help but think they are nothing special how come they have partner and kids and I can’t?

Are you focussing too much on looks? You don’t know these people and what attributes they have that might make their relationship work.

OP, as well as thinking about what you want from a relationship, think about what you would like to bring to one and how you can show it?

E.g. are you a caring person? Or an organised person? Or a humorous person? Etc.

Find some ways within your social circle or in the wider community to demonstrate it.

I was married but never loved, it was abusive and unhappy, I did have two beautiful DDs so I am very lucky. He left for an OW and now has another family.

However, I have not ever known a loving relationship as I met my exH as a teen. I've been single two years now and at 40 I feel like it's over for me. I'm a big, tall amazonian woman, nice face but most men consider me too large.

I sit in town at coffee shops, on the seafront, in the park and watch couples and families, I wonder what other people have that I don't? I look at families and weep for my DDs who's father has replaced them with his new family. I lie awake at night and cry because I'm lonely.

All my coupled up friends and family tell me "theres more to life than a man" and they're right! But they're all in relationships so dont understand!

I'm told to join clubs and hobbies. I have and they're full of ladies like myself, all hoping for the same thing. I don't like sporting activities at all so that wouldn't work for me. I've rejoined OLD but that's already making me feel depressed as the men on there are truly dreadful.

I have no advice OP, but I do understand

OP, it sounds like depression (I'm not diagnosing anyone, only speculating...) and if it is, the unpartneredness (new word) is the focus, not the cause. Back to the GP, get some therapy.

I don't know why some people don't find a partner, it seems peculiarly unfair when I think of the handful of wonderful, fun, warm, witty, patient women I know who have never found a permanent life partner but so desperately want one.

I do think part of it is about setting high standards - quite a lot of women put up with very bad relationships. A very large proportion of women put up with so-so relationships. It can look like everyone is happily settled and fulfilled, and maybe your siblings and friends have been very lucky in their choices, but they probably aren't representative of the world at large.

I live in a weird place where I only know one divorced couple, and I often wonder - are all these couples actually happy with each other?

For myself, the most important source of love and satisfaction comes from my children, and if that is something you want, I'd seriously consider going it all, if you can afford it.

And I really wouldn't give up on meeting someone. It could still happen.

I live in a weird place where I only know one divorced couple, and I often wonder - are all these couples actually happy with each other

The answer to that is more than likely a great big no. You’re so right that having a relationship isn’t necessarily the answer to everything. People struggle with all sorts of things with or without a partner.

That said, it’s sounds so hard for you op and other posters who are feeling like you are. I’ve no better advice for you than you’ve already got here but I really hope it works out for you and you find a way to happiness

from experience i think you have to really learn to love your own company and learn to really enjoy life by yourself. The upside is you can do what you like, when you like and how you like. sad as it sounds but my computer became my best and only friend, hours of entertainment. Find a hobby you really do enjoy and get really into it.

Do you have a job op ?

I feel for you OP. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but like another pp said going to all the groups with the intention of meeting someone might be giving off the wrong vibe.

Mindset plays such a big part. I love @Maze76 attitude - have fun and enjoy the journey (harder said than done I know).

Just a feeling, but I think love will come for you, rather you pursuing it.

OP - I could have written your post myself, word for word. I am so sorry that life hasn't turned out the way you had hoped. It's so hard isn't it 😕

I have been alone since my divorce 13 years ago. I'm only 42. No children. I was optimistic for many years but as time goes on that has kind of faded. The thought of life being like this for the future makes me so sad but I feel I've run out of options as to what else I can try. Whilst it is true that no one needs a man, life can be so much better when you have a companion to share it with.

I really hope that you find some happiness one day, x x

As others have said, if you want children now is the time to prioritise that. You can meet someone at any age but there will come a point where it is too late to have children.

Would you consider having a child on your own. If so, I would focus on that for the moment.

@SadSallySad - I feel for you. You've had a lot of suggestions and advice already, so I'll be brief. I think you need:

• a vocation. A job/career and/or a volunteering commitment that drives and fulfills you. If you find your current career draining and uninspiring, might you be able to retrain?

• a passion. An interest or hobby or political commitment that you find rewarding. Many people enjoy or dream of something that they'd love to do if they didn't have to work for a living. Can you find something like that to fill your spare time?

• close friendships, especially with strong, independent women who share your interests and beliefs.

And read some of the relationship threads on Mumsnet. It can be an eye-opener. Being single can be a more attractive option than some of the shitty situations that women in relate can end up in...

... women in relationships can end up in...

I think Op has written has written before about her situation, under different names and changing the story slightly...

I'm a single mother by choice, recently gave birth to my baby boy. I was 38/39 when I decided to go it alone. As @Holly60 has said there will come a point when it's too late for late children (that may already be the case or not for Op) so if child/children is what she wants she needs to go and explore her options ASAP. There's technically always time to meet someone...however if it is the same poster, she has no interest I'm doing it alone so she may have to accept childlessness ...

Have you thought about doing something totally different. Throw yourself into a vocation. Rather than trudge on with your everyday job. I went to university at aged 38 and met my now DH. Are you doing the career you want? Go to medical school, Vet school, lawyer…move to a new city. Bristol. Edinburgh. Cambridge. Somewhere there are lots of people and people come from overseas. You need to mix it up. At the moment everything you do is to meet someone. Try finding your passion and then passion will follow. Go get your eggs frozen so you buy time.

@SadSallySad

Thanks. I’m 38. I feel like it’s all over for me now. What man wants a 38 year old woman who wants to settle down ASAP. Nobody, they have their choice of much younger women.

Well, my partner did. I was 38 when I met him and we've been together 10 years now and have an 8 year old. I met him on an online dating site. Like you, I was worried it was too late for me. I'm not pretty or clever or anything in particular, but I met a wonderful man and there's no reason why it won't happen to you. Don't give up! Sending you hugs today.

I felt this way when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, which I know seems young but it was over twenty years ago and I didn’t feel that young at the time. What I really wanted was to meet somebody, get married and start a family. I did a lot of what you have mentioned such as joining clubs and groups, but secretly I was only doing it as a means to finding somebody.

When I was about 33, thinking that this was really old (I know!), I changed my mindset into really accepting that this was my life and I was going to do things I enjoy not in the secret hope that I might bump into the man of my dreams but because I would enjoy them. And I know it is such a cliche, but I did get happy by myself and doing things by myself. I then met now DH when I was not quite 35.

The next challenge that I had to face was not getting pregnant. I am 51 and childless now so no happy ending to that part of my story. But similar to above, I learnt acceptance, opened my mind to a different life than the one I thought I would have. Other than occasionally feeling sad, I am mainly happy and live a good life. I also found that the desire to have children does start to fade and to b rhinestone when I knew it was definitely not going to happen, it was quite a relief.

*a relief because at least I knew.

Settling is worse though. Because then you’re trapped with someone you don’t love and you don’t even have the freedom to date or the hope of maybe meeting someone. If you’re unlucky and don’t meet someone you love before about age 35 then there’s no way out of the situation, either way is a dead end.

@Angelton

Settling is worse though. Because then you’re trapped with someone you don’t love and you don’t even have the freedom to date or the hope of maybe meeting someone. If you’re unlucky and don’t meet someone you love before about age 35 then there’s no way out of the situation, either way is a dead end.

Lovely and helpful! Not!!