Anger issues, can anyone relate, I’m embarrassed about my behaviour

[Ambersiderry]

I’m usually a calm person but when triggered by particular things I can get really angry. It’s an awful trait and one I have sought help for over the years with therapy and books etc.

I have been known to smash a glass or break something, throw things round etc. I feel like the only person in the world to do these things and that makes me feel embarrassed and not seek help.

I guess I just wanted to know how others have dealt with it, if there is anyone out there. I feel sad and fed up with my behaviour.

Do you do these things in front of others? You're obviously not embarrassed (ashamed) enough, if you still do it.

Did you see violence within your childhood home between parents and stuff being thrown?. What particular things trigger you; is it shouting or sounds like slamming of doors?. You do not have to answer any of those questions but thinking about this could be helpful.

Do you apologise and take full responsibility for your actions when you break things?

Yes I would do it in front of others. Not often.

I’m not embarrassed in the moment. In the moment I’m just distraught and don’t know what to do.

Do you have other issues such as ADHD or ASD?
Emotional dysregulation can be a side issue for a number of other conditions

I used to be like this. I discovered that the things that triggered me were things that would now get on my nerves, but they were tipping me over the edge, because I was living a life where I was constantly 'on edge'.

I didn't realise that I was constantly invalidating my own feelings, putting up with disrespect, doing things others wanted to do (people pleaser) even though it made me uncomfortable.

So, my question to you would not be 'Why are you triggered by those things' but 'Why are you so close to the edge that when you get triggered, you blow up?'

And it's not just you. It's really hard to deal with the 'afterwards', internally, when it's happened. When you get to the bottom of it, you'll find it's a natural response, and that everybody has an edge they can go off of. It's a natural human reaction to particular sets of circumstances, and they're different circumstances for everyone. Your job isn't to stop yourself reacting in that way; that's part of who you are. Your job is to stop yourself getting into situations where you get so triggered that you blow up.

Don't change yourself; change your situation.

What triggers you? Avoid it.

I used to be like this, it usually happened when I felt like I wasnt being heard and that I was drowning. For me it was born out of frustration and a lack of control over my environment.

I really had to work on being able to walk away before I got to that stage. This really only happened as I matured, but I still have my moments.

Does it coincide with PMS or can it happen at any time during your cycle?

Unfortunately I relate and have not been able to overcome. I have adult diagnosed Autism but there have to be better ways for me to cope. I am seeing a therapist and although angry s lot I hope I’m a bit better on physical things. Im learning about triggers,
At times I know I need to be away from others but due to circumstances I can’t get away.

however im under no illusion - this is my problem (I worry even looking for reasons that I might get to “she wound me up”). No matter what anyone else does violence verbally or physically is never acceptable - it is my fault.

I found this link that has some help

respectphoneline.org.uk/resources/resources-for-perpetrators/

Good luck with the struggle.

I’m the same @Ambersiderry, although I’m not sure I’d even count myself as a calm person the rest of the time. I’ve always had an explosive temper and I’ve spent my life hating myself for it; exDP calls it my ‘anger - guilt’ cycle. I wish I had some answers for you but I’ve never really got on top of it. I’ve done a lot of self-analysis to try to work out where it comes from, and have been learning a lot about trauma lately and trying to apply that. I’m better now than I have been in the past, but I’ll be always struggle with this, I think. It does have its benefits as well, and I’m trying to practice self-compassion.

I’d be cautious of posting this here; the prevailing attitude on Mumsnet is that you’re abusive if you even raise your voice.

Think of it like risk.

I pose risk to other people when I throw glasses. If you never get over that, you'll always pose that risk. It's up to you.

@something2say

Think of it like risk.

I pose risk to other people when I throw glasses. If you never get over that, you'll always pose that risk. It's up to you.

This doesn't work. The whole point is that OP loses control. She knows it's a risk already. That's why she doesn't want to do it.

I absolutely understand you. And the things that PPs say about being so close to the edge, not feeling heard, bearing too much...

My GP recently diagnosed me as burnt out. I didn't even realise it was a thing. But I absolutely am. There is no more of me left to give, and yet when I get more And more And more demands, I feel like something snaps. I haven't got the reserves left to be endlessly calm. I, like you, am naturally incredibly calm, but I think people often take advantage of that, because I CAN do lots for people, but it's always "just one more thing" to them, and I find it hard to say no... so I end up here. Nothing left to stretch to.

I want to do EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY to help them out or make things more enjoyable for everyone, but I hadn't realised the huge cost to myself in doing this.

I'm meant to be starting talking to... someone?! Who my GP is referring me to, but I'm imagining a long waiting list till I get seen.

In the meantime, I'm trying to claw back some time for myself. Trying to say no. Trying to rest. Trying to walk away if I feel like I'm about to be overwhelmed... its actually just been helpful to have someone recognise and point out to me that I'm utterly exhausting myself and need to stop that. It's made me calmer just knowing that there's a reason for it, if that makes sense. Like "no, I can control this, I just need to look after myself for a while, then I can deal with this situation better"...

I don't know if any of that helps or resonates, but thought I'd put it there in case.

It's made me calmer just knowing that there's a reason for it

I think this is an important point, @TheEncouragingStranger (what a lovely and apt name!)

Recognising that it's not 'I must be crazy' or 'Why can't I put up with stuff like everybody else does?', and that instead, it's a case of 'Everybody has their limits' and 'Other people would do this if they were as stretched as me' is very valuable.

As soon as you start to see that it's not 'I am unhealthy', it's 'I'm in an unhealthy situation', you start to feel much more in control. That's certainly how it worked for me, anyway. The moment I realised that the only thing wrong with me was my partner was a HUGE moment for me!

Admitting the problem is the first step. I don't think you should feel embarrassed, you didn't create this problem. At some point in your childhood you were not taught the appropriate way to deal with extreme anger, hence why you now smash things.

I had a few incidents where I threw things in anger when I was in my early 20's but I spent much of my time feel angry and emotionally out of control even if I didn't act out. It was almost certainly because I wasn't very good at communicating my wants and needs and felt I needed to go along with others wishes to avoid being seen as difficult or not being liked.

On the occasions when I did try to speak up for myself I sounded so apologetic for it people didn't take me seriously and I felt unheard, ultimately I would get very angry. It was as if I only had two settings, doormat or raging.

I very rarely feel anger (irritation, frequently!) now and it's been years since I've even so much as raised my voice never mind thrown anything but I no longer feel the need to put everyone else before myself and am very calm at enforcing my boundaries. I don't assume responsibility for other people's emotions and I don't blame others for mine. If refusing to be a doormat makes me unpopular with someone then I'm OK with it.

Are you male or female ?
How old are you ?

Are you male or female

What difference does this make?

Do you try to reframe your behaviour ever? So rather than ‘I get so angry and throw things around’ do you ever think ‘I throw and break things and that must really frighten and traumatise my partner and children/whoever I throw them at.’ Sometimes I think people frame things they do with their own emotional excuses - of course nobody wants to think they’re commuting a violent or frightening act but your reasoning and justifications don’t shine through when you’re committing the act.

I would recommend going to the gp if you genuinely feel you can’t control yourself/stop yourself throwing and smashing things when other people are there and you get angry. It might help to speak to someone.

@TheFoundations

Are you male or female

What difference does this make?

Because it could be related to PMT or peri, or are you going to ask what difference that makes ?

What I mean by ‘your justifications don’t shine through’ is that if you’re throwing and smashing things when your partner and kids are there, they aren’t thinking ‘oh x is angry and so is smashing things.’ They’re thinking ‘this is frightening I wonder if they’ll hurt me, they’re smashing up our belongings again, how scary.’

I'd look at DBT. It's a kind of therapy which focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance and reducing unhelpful behaviours.

@GoodnightGrandma

Because it could be related to PMT or peri, or are you going to ask what difference that makes

Defensive much?

I was just asking because if you were thinking it might be hormonal, I didn't understand why you didn't just say that. And I couldn't think what else you might mean. It was just a question though, don't worry, I'm not getting the thumbscrews out just yet..!

You are not alone. I too have tendancies to flare up. Thrown mobile phone at a wall and on the floor. Abeit a while ago now. My flare ups have lost me so much in life. The latest is my job. Absolutely devastated. Crazed.

I would not break things but I would say some vicious things when angry. I got myself into trouble many times. Then feel absolutely awful afterwards. I spent along time trying to figure my triggers. They were Linked to my severe emotional abuse as a child, by my parents. My main triggers were perceived lack of respect, not being listened to.

I have worked hard on myself, mindfulness, meditation and journalling. I am now so much calmer than I was. I can honestly say I very rarely lose my temper now. It's not been easy but you can work on your anger issues. You need to be totally honest with yourself. Good luck.

You need to lower your overall stress levels / empty your stress cup and fill your happiness/ self care cup, to up your resilience. Then when more stressful things happen you'll be able to cope better. Also plan what you'll do when you start to feel that way and practice it.