Long and rambling, sorry. Just feel a bit crushed and anxious and need to pull myself out of it again.
Hello, for a few years I sell Christmas stuff on Etsy. Last year I made 3k and Dh got a bit excited - he usually makes it really difficult.
This year, well. I was hoping to make it a bigger thing, but have made some daft mistakes, and it’s not grown as much as I’d have liked, so I’ll take about the same.
I do wonder if it’s partly due to Dp wanting walks/ lunch hours etc. He seems to think it’s ok to come and stand around and gets irritated if I’m busy. He works very hard 8-6 ( I think too hard) then gets tired and grumpy. I work on my stuff 10 - 4 then it’s family stuff/ house. I am also working alone which means I’m learning a lot in a short time so it hasn’t grown but is about the same. It has however given me a bit of confidence by all the wonderful comments and reviews. I feel that that comes crashing down when Dp comments. But he says I’m being silly and need to get a job.
. I want a job, but lost a lot of confidence for various reasons.. Ideally I’d like a job but as I’ve been a sahm. For ages I’m a bit behind on the skill set. Dp thinks I should have a top career . I think he thinks I’m not tying, would rather swan around, should automatically get a top job.and is not happy at whatever I do..work in a shop? ‘It’s not enough to make a difference ‘ ‘ it won’t lead to anything’ so I thought if I set up an Etsy thing it gives me a reason to learn skills that hopefully make me more employable.
We spend HOURS talking about his work, and he was very ill so has been very depressed. I don’t feel we discuss mine at all, and if we do I always feels like he’s criticising. I can’t help wondering if he criticises when I’m not there to cook, clean or I am imagining it. I just mentioned that I’ll be doing orders all day and maybe he’d take dd to her sport ( I always do as he is busy with work ) that led to this conversation..
Dp,’how many orders have you got?
it takes a long time this.’
Me ( sounding a bit irritated) ‘ stop criticising. now is not the time to criticise. do it after I’ve got these orders out."
DP,
‘ It doesn’t help the family’
me, ‘It helps me’
Dp ‘so fuck the family then.
(as walks away..) Ill make breakfast then. ‘
I don’t know if I’m being stupid to want to do this, obviously i will look for work after Xmas. Just find it such a struggle to keep building up my confidence and enthusiasm, then we go for a walk and he is all depressed which means I need to waste time getting myself happy again. In order to do anything. This isn’t making me rich, but it does make me feel human. Also it’s in my area of expertise and I am pretty good at it, so, you know, I’m helpful.
Now I’ve wasted time recovering from that conversation writing this! It’s just that he left me feeling worthless, stupid for trying, stupid for wasting my time. And anxious that he’s right.
Bugger I was really enjoying doing my lovely orders! People DO like what I’m trying to do!