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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive marriage and feeling sad

33 replies

Maryk123 · 11/12/2021 23:35

Hi guys. So I have been married for over a year with a small son and living with my in laws. I feel so sad as I feel my marriage is coming to an end. My husband has slapped me, punched me during arguments, called me slag, useless and dumb. I am of Pakistani heritage and my family have been very supportive. Our recent argument escalated in me returning to my parents home. They want me to leave him but for the last few months my husband has been behaving himself, coming home early and apologising when he has shouted at me. I feel things were improving and our recent argument only escalated because I didn’t control my temper either, shouted and swore back. I am 39 years old and I just don’t want to be a single mother with a young child. My husband is a good looking guy (32) and I know he will replace me immediately. Whilst I will probably be single and alone forever. Do abusive men change and could things have gotten better if I knew how to argue better and controlled my own temper? He is also on a dating app which makes me think he is looking to replace me?

OP posts:
BrightonOrLancaster · 11/12/2021 23:56

You poor woman. This man is trash. Please listen to your parents and stay away from him. You are focusing on what you wont have after your divorce, a husband. But look at what you do have: a child and a family who love you.

Who gives a shit if hes good looking? Hes a pig.

Weenurse · 12/12/2021 00:00

Abusive men don’t change unless they have counseling or enter a treatment program

Is this the example you want for your child?

Original poster
Maryk123 · 12/12/2021 02:30

Of course not. I want my child to be happy and secure but I am devastated at the breakdown of my marriage. Overthinking and analysis if maybe I could’ve done things differently or better.

OP posts:
LondonSouth28 · 12/12/2021 03:06

Run. Do not go back. This will escalate. He will most likely hit your child too.

Your family are being supportive. You're very very lucky to have that. Your parents are older and wiser, they know that this guy won't change and they know if you go back what will happen.

You say he is good looking and will find someone else, let him crack on with someone else. They will suffer the same fate.

Being a single mum with your family's support isn't so bad.

Weenurse · 12/12/2021 04:31

Good luck 💐

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 12/12/2021 04:50

No decent husband would be on a dating app. You are worth more than this.
You are so lucky to have your parents in your corner to support you. Well all decent parents would support their child so I'm pleased you are being helped.
You deserve a husband who loves you & treats you with kindness & respect, cherishes you as the mother of his child.
Try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed as you have done nothing wrong as it is your husband who is bringing the shame & embarrassment on to you & the family.
You deserve far better

Coolhand2 · 12/12/2021 04:50

Let him go punch someone else not you. Please leave him, he doesn't respect you and I don't see that changing. You will meet someone else, don't lose hope.

PopsicleHustler · 12/12/2021 04:53

He sounds terrible.
Did you do the Nikah? Can you ask him to Talaq you 3 times in a peaceful way and move on. The ways hes treating you is terrible. If my man was on a dating app and beating me up, I wouldn't be hoping he would change. I'd be chucking him out. I am pretty sure you can divorce him, ask the mosque. I am assuming you're muslim because you're Pakistani. But isnt it Khula. Or something like that, the divorce procedure for women to ask for divorce at the mosque on the grounds that the husband is badly treating you.

Wish you all the best

Original poster
Maryk123 · 12/12/2021 16:56

Thank you guys. Yes you are right. Need to constantly keep reminding myself. I spoke to him today and he insists that he never swore at me first or said bad things. I said I retaliated but he refuses to acknowledge the things or beatings he done! Just reminded that he is mentally unstable and a liar.

OP posts:
sassbott · 12/12/2021 17:07
  1. no. Abusive people very rarely change without a sustained commitment to change and engaging in an ongoing program with people who specialise in trying to help abusers.
  2. the first step every abuser has to take is to acknowledge they are an abuser. The second? To commit to daily work to change because they no longer wish to be abuser. (The problem with this is that abusers very rarely have reason to change because they get what they want behaving the way they do).
  3. you have family support. That is worth its weight in gold. You are not doing this alone.
  4. you need to put your child and yourself first. I get it’s hard and yes, he will likely move on very quickly. It’s again what abusers do. But you need to focus on whether this is what you want to grow up witnessing and normalising? This won’t miraculously stop. And by choosing to live with him, you are actively putting your child in harms way.

I would read a book by Lundy Bancroft. Why he does that (or something like that). It will give you amazing insight into the thinking/ mindset of an abuser. It also shows how deeply difficult it is for abusers to change.

I would also seek professional support in deciding next steps/ leaving him.

TheFoundations · 12/12/2021 21:32

My husband is a good looking guy (32) and I know he will replace me immediately. Whilst I will probably be single and alone forever

He may meet somebody, and if it's due to his good looks, it will be superficial. When he shows his true colours, any new partner will be in the same position you are in now. Don't envy him that, or any new partner he finds. He's an abuser; any relationship he has will be abusive. It will never be the victims fault, and nothing that you do makes it your fault.

You can't change whether this relationship is abusive because only the abuser can do that. He would need to be engage in the process, keen to sort himself out, and actively seeking professional support. If he's not doing that, then he isn't trying to change, and the only thing you can do is change whether you are in the relationship or not.

The responsibility for your welfare and happiness lies with you. It is your responsibility to make sure that you are not spending your time with the wrong people, and 'the wrong people' are those that make you feel bad, and make you question yourself. If your child watches you spending time with those people, he will learn that adult relationships work that way, and he will replicate the pattern in his own adult relationships. Don't do that to him. Don't do it to you. Demonstrate to him that if somebody is abusive towards you, you walk away. Give him that example to replicate when he grows up.

Ariann · 12/12/2021 22:20

No, Sweetheart, he will not change.
Please leave him forever. He sounds like a really nasty, vicious man.
Do it for yourself and your little boy and show him what an independent woman can do against all the odds.

Anordinarymum · 13/12/2021 01:47

No he will not change. When a marriage fails like this it brings disgrace to his family so he will try to patch things up but he is an abuser and a lost cause.

Yes he will replace you and in time will do exactly the same things to his new wife.

You need to get away from him. Get your family to help you and do not return.
Next time he hits you he may just kill you. Think of your child

JimHalpertsPA · 13/12/2021 01:51

Leave ASAP. He will not change. Use the support of your family while they care. Run a mile from this horrible man. They never ever change. Ever.

Original poster
Maryk123 · 19/12/2021 11:20

So we had a meeting between the families over the weekend and my brother was pushing to ending the relationship. I ended up packing my bags at my family request and coming to my parents home. I do feel resentful to my brother and sister because I do believe that had they had put proper ground rules in and gave it another chance things may have been different and we could have salvaged this marriage.

OP posts:
Momijin · 19/12/2021 11:31

You can't salvage anything with someone who punches you! And insults you. He is abusive and a pathetic cowardly bully. Bet he wouldn't pick to fight someone his own size! Would you punch your child? And if not, why are you excusing him? And your child growing up with an abusive parent is the worse thing that you can do. I'm glad that your family are supportive and are helping you.

Nospringchickendipper · 19/12/2021 11:36

Your brother and sister have got your best interest at heart.
You have a safe place to go. Your husband will never change.

Kangaruby · 19/12/2021 11:39

You are wanting a fantasy, a happy little family, just the 3 of you, unfortunately wishes aren't changes. You can't change him, it needs to come from him ( I don't actually believe abusers can change). You have a loving, supportive family, embrace that. (life does get easier and better after living, but give yourself lots of time to heal, don't go looking for a new relationship anytime soon)

Original poster
Maryk123 · 19/12/2021 11:39

Over the last few months he has improved. So I think things were getting better. This latest argument just escalated from a minor thing. I do believe if I had kept quiet he wouldn’t have punched me. Argument would’ve fizzled out. Then I should have raised concerns with him later when he was in a calmer mood. I just felt if my family had pushed more to reconciliation rather than ending it would have been better. But they made that choice for me and I wasn’t ready to leave. I am so devastated.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 19/12/2021 11:47

Being hit is not acceptable, ever.

Kangaruby · 19/12/2021 11:47

It's normal to feel devasted when a relationship ends, a period with no contract will let you see the relationship as it was - abusive. Maybe read up on the pattern of abuse, it's normal for periods of them being nice, if they didn't do that, no one would stay in an abusive relationship.

Anordinarymum · 19/12/2021 11:52

@Maryk123

Over the last few months he has improved. So I think things were getting better. This latest argument just escalated from a minor thing. I do believe if I had kept quiet he wouldn’t have punched me. Argument would’ve fizzled out. Then I should have raised concerns with him later when he was in a calmer mood. I just felt if my family had pushed more to reconciliation rather than ending it would have been better. But they made that choice for me and I wasn’t ready to leave. I am so devastated.
If you had kept quiet he wouldn't have punched you. Really?

Say that again. Keep on saying it. It is what a victim would say. You are a victim and he is your abuser.
Why should you wait for a calmer mood??

This is your life we are talking about here. Your precious life OP!

Why should your family push for reconciliation with an abuser ?

I am so glad you have a good family to support you as so many Pakistani girls in your position do not have the family to back them when their husbands beat them.
This sort of cruelty goes on in plain sight all of the time and is ignored by Asian communities because girls/woman are not valued.
Think of his next wife.. some poor girl brought in from a village who will take your place, give him more children and be beaten just like he does to you.

Fulbe · 19/12/2021 15:03

My dear, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Children are as traumatised from witnessing abuse as when they're on the receiving end, if not more so. There are many supportive domestic violence organisations who can support you even if you choose not to leave just now.

You will not be depriving your child of a father, as he can still have access rights (the child's views and safety will be taken into account).

Fulbe · 19/12/2021 15:05

Also 39 is really not that old! I'm the same age so I hope not at least!! I think women are at their most attractive in their 40s.

JimHalpertsPA · 19/12/2021 17:38

OP your family sound amazing and siblings sound like they have your best interests at heart. There is NO excuse for someone punching you, you shouldn't have to 'wait until he's calmed down' to avoid being hit. I'm glad you're out but I hope you realise that you deserve much better than this animal. You'd benefit from some therapy/counselling. All the best xx