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Relationships

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Original poster

Family finance split

51 replies

Rocket1982 · 11/12/2021 20:13

I earn 50K (FT) and DH earns 12K (half time). I’ve been paying for pretty much everything since we moved 6 years ago and he gave up his job. He got the new job about 4 years ago but I still pay for everything (like he might pay for the odd few pounds, maybe £10 per month). My take home salary is about 3K and his is about 1K but I can’t save as financing the whole family of 4. He pretty much saves his whole salary. I said I want him to start paying for 1/4 of the bills, food, family expenses (proportionate to his salary). He says this isn’t fair as I earn far more and it wouldn’t be worth it to him to continue working if he is was ‘losing’ this part of his salary. We have always had separate finances. I’ve proposed a joint account that we both pay half or 2/3 of our salary into. I would still pay for everything over that. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocket1982 · 11/12/2021 21:32

I was fine with him working part time but I want him to have a job and I'd be happy for him to work full time.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 11/12/2021 21:50

But if he was my DW how should things be split?

If he was your DW, you would already have had half the thread screaming financial abuse at you for not fully sharing your high income with your part-time, low-income wife. And they'd have a good point tbh.

Original poster

Rocket1982 · 11/12/2021 21:54

Hont1986 well yes but he doesn't want to fully share finances! He would have a joint account if I put all of my income in it but he wouldn't put any in of his. Should I do that do you think? Some months I already spend more than I earn - if he added any expenditure to a joint account I would get into debt.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocket1982 · 11/12/2021 21:58

For the first years after our move when he didn't have a job, I earned less and childcare costs were higher (they still went to nursery to give him a break!) I made up for a shortfall between income and outgoings by spending my savings but he didn't spend his.

OP posts:

lionobserving · 11/12/2021 22:05

@Hont1986

But if he was my DW how should things be split?

This is baffling. OP does more than share her income. She's left with a few hundred a month while he has £1k+..

OP if you can't agree on what the essentials are, why don't you work backwards. Say you'll both put everything in a pot, & pay you each £500 a month. Everything else stays in the pot to cover expenses with anything left over becoming household savings. This can then be used to cover things for the kids etc (without having to agree on what's "essential").

Slightly different, but my friend earns double her DH. They split outgoings, and then she pays herself the same amount he has left after outgoings. She puts the rest into a pot and that becomes household savings.

For me, that's not protecting herself in the event they split (esp once they have DC). I think they should pay bills by % proportionate to their salaries and then each could have savings. But the point is that every household is different, and if you're feeling like the arrangement isn't fair then you and DH must work out a better solution. That's a healthy relationship.

Hont1986 · 11/12/2021 22:09

No, I don't think you should have a joint account if he won't contribute to it. I agree with him that a proportional split based on income leaves him with a lot less than you in practical terms. You say he won't co-operate with a fully shared, one pot arrangement, so that's out. Equal fun money might work best then. He can't really argue that it isn't worth him working for £500/m if you get the same amount. You'll just have to agree on a budget for kids activities/presents and use the joint account for it.

Darkpheonix · 11/12/2021 22:11

@Hont1986

But if he was my DW how should things be split?

Really? When the op has no savings and he doesn't pay for anything?

I very much doubt it

Wnikat · 11/12/2021 22:12

Of the genders were reversed you wouldn’t have been paying nursery fees to give her a break.

MMmomDD · 12/12/2021 01:04

OP - I think your H is freeloading, tbh. The deal he has is great for him, but is also grossly unfair. He is using you to provide a better lifestyle for himself, without doing his bit.

He does realise that if you split - you’ll share all existing assets 50/50, including ‘his’ savings. And he’ll be told to work full time to support himself and pay child support.
And on salaries you mention - he won’t be entitled to any spousal maintenance.

I don’t know if you are happy to continue supporting him all your life.
Personality - I’d give him a choice. Either he contributes half his salary to joint account for bills, food, and house maintenance. Or you separate finances. And he starts supporting himself.

While he decides what he wants to do - I’d stop just paying for him. He doesn’t come to holidays if he doesn’t pay his share. I’d cancel any cards they he has that come off my account. Whatever he buys - clothes, fuel for a car, etc - all need to pay for it himself

luverlybubberly · 12/12/2021 11:40

He is being wildly unreasonable and should be contributing to the household.

Do you have access to the savings that he's making ? Your name should be on that account

2catsandhappy · 12/12/2021 16:00

I think @MMmomDD has hit the nail on the head.

I couldn't keep funding a part time worker without getting resentful. Let him pay for himself for a while and then see what he is willing to bring to the relationship.

FutureExH · 21/12/2021 20:10

You are being ever so slightly unreasonable. But only slightly!

If you simply make him pay a full quarter and you're earning 75% of the income, then you'll end up with three times as much disposable income as he does.

As a couple, I would hope you want to be equal so what I would suggest is initially he pays a quarter and you three quarters. However, to make it fair, you need to give him a third of what you have left as disposable income.

SummerWhisper · 22/12/2021 13:56

He's massively taking the piss out of you because he's a tight bastard. He is tight towards his children so he can have more...eugh!

Please take @MMmomDD 's advice. If you plan to stay with Scrooge, then at least do individual fun activities and presents so that he has to stump up for his own and the kids, family, friends etc. will see what an arse he is. Just stop funding his cockloding. How can you even respect this git?

HairyFanjoBanjo · 22/12/2021 14:14

Context needed.

How old are the kids? How many?

What hours does he work? What type of job?

Does he need to work part-time?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2021 14:22

Can I move in? Given your paying for everything and he gets to keep his salary entirely to himself

Youknownothingsnow · 22/12/2021 14:28

We both pay 50% of our salary into a joint account and this covers our bills and food etc. if we have a treat one of us (normally him!) pays.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 22/12/2021 15:51

So interesting!

Those are almost exactly the incomes XH (higher earner) and I (lower earner) had when we were together.

I did all school drop-offs and pick-ups, all weekday cooking, cleaning, family admin etc.

I paid ALL my salary into the joint account and XH paid in £1500/month. We paid for everything out of the one pot and anything 'spare' in his account at the end of the year went on reducing the mortgage.

Now we're divorced and I have found a full-time job to support myself.

Either it all goes in one pot, which you both also spend out of, or you should do as a previous poster suggested and work out what your spending money is. Then you each keep that and everything else goes in the joint account.

FFSFFSFFS · 22/12/2021 15:57

Are you married?

And do you seriously take over childcare from 6pm after he has graciously had them from after school and he works part time?

And you share household tasks 50/50 (btw I can guarantee you don’t and you do much more)

You are totally and utterly being taken advantage of OP.

So sorry.

pointythings · 22/12/2021 16:47

So you earn just over 80% of the household income and he earns just under 20%. It would be equitable to tot up your monthly outgoings and then pay into a joint account according to that roughly 82/18 split.

Or he could get a better job. Either way, he isn't pulling his weight financially, and I bet he isn't pulling his weight in terms of housework either.

Pipersouth · 22/12/2021 16:54

Doesn’t matter who is the main earner in our house we do it by adding both salaries together and establishing percentage of the full income and then that percentage of all bills (including a joint save) is paid then whatever is left is theirs to save/spend as their own. I don’t want anyone micromanaging what boots I buy and all bills are covered!!!

FutureExH · 22/12/2021 16:54

@FFSFFSFFS

Are you married?

And do you seriously take over childcare from 6pm after he has graciously had them from after school and he works part time?

And you share household tasks 50/50 (btw I can guarantee you don’t and you do much more)

You are totally and utterly being taken advantage of OP.

So sorry.

How can you guarantee that?

The reason I ask is that I'm a husband in a very similar situation to the OP. I earn almost all the money and - especially since lockdown - I do more of the housework and childcare. It's not uncommon for my STBXW to be out the house on her own most of the weekend (in hindsight probably in some affair or other although I'm long past caring).

My experience though is that there are two automatic assumptions made about SAHPs and lower earning spouses:

If they're women, they work super hard and are treated unfairly; OR
If they are men, they are lazy scroungers and should get a job.

I would say every case is probably different and you can guarantee nothing about the circumstances of someone posting on an online forum who you barely know.

FabulousMrFifty · 22/12/2021 19:03

I think both of you are being unreasonable, the arrangement you now is clearly not working, I also think that both of paying 50% of your salary is. Probably a bit unreasonable also , since you currently out earn more then 3:1 based on bring home, you should be paying £3 into a joint account for every £1 he pays in to cover your core monthly expenses, the split the rest .
If / when he earns more then you adjust the ratios, but as the higher earner you contribute more, if you are not going to pool your money

FreedomFaith · 22/12/2021 19:51

Divorce him. You'll get half of whatever his lovely nest egg is by now from saving all of his pay, and you'll actually get money off of him every month for csa. You won't get it any other way, he's a free loading twat.

Original poster

Rocket1982 · 30/12/2021 20:24

To answer some of the questions - he doesn't need to work part time, that is a choice. I do pretty much all the cooking and food shopping. He does some of the other household tasks but not all. My take home salary is just under 3 x his. I pretty much organise everything, e.g. at xmas I got all the gifts, food and organised transport and packing (not his though!) for a trip. However, if we divorced my kids would have to spend a lot of time in external childcare (3-6pm at least 4 days per week). That is what he is contributing mainly to the logistics of the family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocket1982 · 30/12/2021 20:27

At the moment he saves about 5x more than me. But should our savings be equal if we are maintaining separate finances and he is choosing to work part time? I am OK with part time but I would prefer him to get a full time job and for us to work out the childcare between us (probably a mixture of flexitime by me and paid childcare).

OP posts:

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