Toxic mother help

[Happyharry2003]

Hello
For over 40 years I’ve been scared of my mother. She has always been cold towards me at best and cruel at worst. My brother was always golden boy. I cannot put into words how awful she was and still is to me. If it was just me I would have cut contact years ago but my children would have no family and they like their cousins. My father is an enabler. My brother won’t hear of anything negative said about mum. My mother recently told me I was lucky to have sons as daughters are difficult. I’m struggling to put down what a negative effect this relationship with my mother has on me. At times I have felt suicidal due to her making me feel so worthless. I have made the mistake of telling her this but of course it’s turned round and I’m told how difficult I am.

How to I manage things? I absolutely cannot sit in a room with for day over Christmas as she will end up turning on me. I will then keep quiet so as not to upset everyone else and this will piss her off and she will keep going and going. But my children want to be with their extended family. I feel I cannot ban them from this. But I don’t think I can sit through it any more. What would you do?

How old are your dc? This is what happens when dc are over protected from the truth about twats. I bet your dc would be upset to think you have suffered being around her for them...

Find something else to do with my children.

It does them no good to see you being treated badly.

Have you friends you could see sometime over the holidays?

They’re teenagers. They don’t like her or my father and say she is nasty to me. They can see it clearly. However their younger cousins have done nothing wrong and they want a relationship with them but the only way this can happen is if it’s with my mother due to my brothers relationship with her

I'd make sure I had a positive LFT on Christmas Eve then go low contact from then onwards. I feel for you, I've always been bottom of my mum's list too.

Surely you just invite them to your house?

I agree it does them no good at all. But at the same time they have no other family and want a relationship with their extended family

Yes - it would make sense to invite them to my house but my brother has a huge extended family on his wife’s side and will only be free for a couple of days over Christmas and has chosen to spend this time at my parents. Therefore, the only way my children can see their cousins is to see them there

Can you not arrange to meet him for a pub lunch one day?

The only reason I’ve not gone non contact is my husbands family have never wanted anything to do with my children. My mother hates me, my brother and father enable it but at least they are nice to my chidlren. If it was just down to me I would have walked away years ago but I wanted my children to have at least some family

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Can you not arrange to meet him for a pub lunch one day?

If I suggest this, he will get annoyed I won’t go to my parents. He will say I’m breaking up the family and it will all turn horrid

My brother is like my father. He will never have a word said against my mother and will beg me to go to keep the peace

Ultimately teens can surely arrange their own meet up? Cinema? Local McDonald's..

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here is scapegoat with your brother being the golden child. This is also not a role without price either although he is unaware of that.

You’ve basically been trained and otherwise conditioned from an early age by her to put her needs first with your own dead last. This is also why you are mired in fear, obligation and guilt because your mother in particular installed those buttons.

You have a choice re your family of origin even now and you are truly under no obligation to see these people at all let alone have someone like your mother and father in your home.

If your mother and family of origin are too toxic/difficult and otherwise batshit to live with, it’s the SAME deal for your children also. Please do not keep on exposing your children to them. It will do them no favours and their cousins could too easily turn on them going forward. They need to see emotionally healthy people in their lives, not toxic narcissistic people like your mother, your brother and an all too willing enabler of her husband. They are relying on you to protect them from toxic people like this. Many adult children of narcissistic parents fall into this trap of allowing them to have a relationship with the grandchildren but what happens is that they are used as narcissistic supply and are further used by the narcissists to get back at their errant offspring, in this instance you.

I would suggest you find a BACP therapist to work with and look at YouTube videos about narcissistic family structures.
Do also look at and post on the current “well we took you to Stately Homes” thread on these Relationships Pages. There are other posters on there with narcissistic family and their words could also help you too.

It sounds like you have committed to spending Christmas day there. I suggest that you take yourself off for a walk if she starts making you feel bad in any way. Have a breather, clear your head and go back in for the kids. In future I would suggest you go low contact and arrange for your kids and their cousins to meet away from your mum. Christmas can be the exception if needed. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I am low contact with my mum and every time I see her it takes me at least a week to recover. It's awful. But like you I don't feel I can go no contact. It's so hard. Counseling can be good for supporting you through this. Also a book called 'Will I ever be good enough?' about daughtera of narcissistic mothers could be helpful. Hope you can find some strength to get through Xmas day and find a way to make it tolerable xx

Better to be on your own as a United family unit than for your kids to be exposed to such toxic people. How often do your kids see their cousins anyway?. Having a relationship with their cousins (and given their parental influence they could easily become narcissistic themselves) is not beneficial to them in these circumstances.

Is there absolutely no hope for your relationship? Dint mean to be offensive, please take this in the spirit that its offered, to help! Have you ever trued to work it out with your mother?

Accepting your situation and feeling you don't want to go NC

Accepting your mother has a personality problem can be liberating.

It means you're no longer shocked or hurt: you expect the bad behaviour.

You can then use a technique like Grey Rock to lessen the attacks.

Do you feel sometimes she attacks you to get a response?

Flowerbomb

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. There is also no working it out with someone as disordered of thinking as OPs mother is. her mother also has two willing enablers in the shape of her husband (who is the secondary abuser) and her son who is the golden child. Neither of them will help the OP here and they cannot be at all relied upon.

Just mn all day op!! Zone out and feel free to bitch here!!

Am not knocking grey rock but it’s not without issue in that it can become exhausting to do over time. The best thing you can do with a narcissist and their fellow enablers is to keep your distance.

@flowerbombVR

Is there absolutely no hope for your relationship? Dint mean to be offensive, please take this in the spirit that its offered, to help! Have you ever trued to work it out with your mother?

I’ve tried for years and years. I’ve begged her to show me she loves me and got laughed at. I would do anything to have a mother/daughter relationship. I gave up my life for 6 months to look after her when she was ill a few years ago and recently she told me she would’ve got better quicker it I hadn’t bothered.

@Yummypumpkin

Accepting your situation and feeling you don't want to go NC

Accepting your mother has a personality problem can be liberating.

It means you're no longer shocked or hurt: you expect the bad behaviour.

You can then use a technique like Grey Rock to lessen the attacks.

Do you feel sometimes she attacks you to get a response?

Yes I do. And she doesn’t do it to my Brother. He will be there for a few days and it’s like she will have built up over those few days all the insults To throw at me. Almost like some strange sort of release for her

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

It’s not your fault your mother is a narcissist and you did not make her that way. You also have two qualities your mother lacks - empathy and insight.

You probably also remind her of your dad, a man who she’s always hated as well. Their own relationship is certainly not healthy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

It’s not your fault your mother is a narcissist and you did not make her that way. You also have two qualities your mother lacks - empathy and insight.

Thank you. How do I do this? I feel like I’ve grieved for years and years and it doesn’t get any better. She recently told me that the more I get cross with her the more likely she is to die of a serious stroke as I make her ill. I can’t see a way forward