Toxic mother help

[Happyharry2003]

Hello
For over 40 years I’ve been scared of my mother. She has always been cold towards me at best and cruel at worst. My brother was always golden boy. I cannot put into words how awful she was and still is to me. If it was just me I would have cut contact years ago but my children would have no family and they like their cousins. My father is an enabler. My brother won’t hear of anything negative said about mum. My mother recently told me I was lucky to have sons as daughters are difficult. I’m struggling to put down what a negative effect this relationship with my mother has on me. At times I have felt suicidal due to her making me feel so worthless. I have made the mistake of telling her this but of course it’s turned round and I’m told how difficult I am.

How to I manage things? I absolutely cannot sit in a room with for day over Christmas as she will end up turning on me. I will then keep quiet so as not to upset everyone else and this will piss her off and she will keep going and going. But my children want to be with their extended family. I feel I cannot ban them from this. But I don’t think I can sit through it any more. What would you do?

I know that Attila

I'm thinking that we only know one side of the story and I have seen families fall apart when they could have been helped with education if only willing. It's so sad but that's life I guess....

Sorry you are going through this op, it is shit and I would probably do what yummypumpkin suggested in your shoes. Good luck.

Your mother has also made the terrible choice not to love.

OPs post is sadly very typical of what happens in narcissistic family structures. OPs voice needs to be heard and she absolutely needs a platform. She needs to be given something not given to her by her parents and brother and that is a right to be heard. She matters too.

Both sides have to be willing and OPs mother will not accept any other opinion than her own. Her mother likely thinks she’s done nothing wrong and if she did Op deserved it, this is also what I mean when I write about the narcissist and lack of both empathy and insight. Narcissists do not do very well in therapy, even if they do see a therapist which is also unlikely.

Yes. That makes sense, OP. Same with mine.

Minimising your responses (Grey Rock) helps make you less attractive as a target. But it does not stop the pain.

Myself I found i had very fully intellectually accepted that my mum was like this...but inside I was still to some extent wounded, resentful and shocked when she did things.

It is a process I am still in to truly accept this and to see myself not as lessened or weakened by her attacks but as evidence of my strength. I do not need her and nothing she does can hurt me.

This is a process and I've had expert support.

Expect the worst at Christmas. Make a bingo card in your head and give her a point each time she scores you.

Your emotions don't need to respond to hers.

And when you get to that point, although it is a lot of work, they honestly don't bother you.

NC is great for boyfriends. Its not always possible with mothers. So I do understand.

My mum died 15 years ago which is likely why I'm feeling this way about it. This world is so unfair at times, I honestly wish I had an answer and really hope you can continue to have a relationship with your brother.

You need to find a preferably BACP registered therapist to work with. YouTube has plenty of good resources too re narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing and it takes a long time, years even, to start a sort of recovery from it.

You will all need to keep your distance from your parents and brother.

Do also read Will I ever be good enough by Karyl Mcbride.

If brother will be there a few days, can you drop teenagers there Christmas Eve lunchtime say, to exchange presents and so they can see their cousins whilst you "can't stop need to grab some last minute bits" and go and collect them a couple of hours later?

Just avoid the long no escape that is Christmas day together and have that at home?

No way would I spend Christmas day like this.