On the surface

[needmetime]

Maybe this is how it is. I told dh I feel everything is on the surface. Conversations revolve around kids, housework, money, work, household admin etc. nothing deeper. No life goals, long term plans, dreams etc. We went out last night & I was hoping we could go deeper. We are married 16 years, 3 kids aged 13-8. I told him today what I just mentioned here & I know he was a bit hurt. He said but we talk & we did talk last night & I said yes but I could easily have been talking to any male platonic friend. I think I'm feeling disconnected. I have for a long while & don't know how to fix it or if I should just accept this is marriage after 16 years. He is happy to discuss anything practical but is just not into discussing feelings or anything like that. I feel a bit stuck. I genuinely care & love him but I can't say our physical relationship is in a good place either. Otherwise we have a happy home. Im not sure if I have a question but I'd appreciate any comments. Maybe I need to hear if life is good I shouldn't go looking for problems & and any silly notions of having a man whose clothes I want to rip off belongs in fantasy land and visa versa too! Thanks

Hi there, OP. Hope you're ok. We just wanted to bump this in case someone who's been in your shoes is about now and can chip in.

I wonder if you could start of by answering one question each. For example if you put some thought provoking questions in a jar, say 20 varing from lighthearted to serious and you both randomly pulled one out each day, when you have time to listen to each others answers .
This could be an easy introduction to deeper more meaningful conversations? Just an idea .

Connection and intimacy (the meeting of minds, sharing of our inner selves) is very important in a relationship. It comes naturally at the beginning but then kids and keeping the home and family going can mean that it is mostly taken over by practical conversations.

Maybe do the love languages quiz and get him to do it and then you can discuss it? It is really interesting and could lead to learning a lot about each other and how to have a better relationship.

Are you interested in his opinions? I am constantly sending my boyfriend bits of news and we often discuss it. I love listening to his take on things.

I also send him memes and funny stuff and he does the same.

Watching programmes together or playing games are great ways to spark conversations. Speculate at who done it, or about the cast, or the country it is set.

Talk about your dreams and what you would like to do. Maybe jot down what you would both love to do (eg. Travel in a camper van, grow your own products, get a pet, have a holiday home, learn photography, a new language, name a pizza oven for the garden etc). Discuss what you could do now or next summer or in 5 years or when the kids have left home.

Give him a chance and be truly interested in what he has to say. He won't go from not talking much to sharing lots all of a sudden, it will probably be gradual.

Thank you for the suggestions. I appreciate it. Our conversations have been dominated by the day to day practicalities. With our children getting older I feel we have a bit more time again for us. Some useful tips. Thank you