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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he wants a divorce, but i do not

30 replies

themarwah · 11/12/2021 16:32

hello there,
this is my very fisrt post .
i have no one to talk to,

i am 30 years old, he is 34. we have been married for 6 years and have a girl 4 years old

for the past year and a half, my husband has been living in his own bubble, he keeps saying that he is not happy in this marriage.

that was shocking for me as i thought we were happily married.
he asked for a break and i moved out to my parients with my daughter.
after 3 weeks he asked me to move back saying he can't love without us !
and i did ..

couple of months later, things went back to square one !
he is saying that he is not happy, always stressed and feels like dying !
everytime i ask him if i should do something, he keeps saying that there is nothing wrong with me and that i am perfect and even himself cant ask for more
however, he is not happy.

this was shocking, and heart breaking for me
i started to feel sad and helpless all the time, he is slipping away, living in his bubble
does not care about me or my feelings
and now he is talking about a divorce

i know our life is not prefect, but i want to fix things not to end things !!
he does not want to fix anything, he says that there is not anything that we can do

the best thing for him, me and our daughter is to end this marriage

i am heart broken, lost and sad

now i know that i cant stay with a man who does not want me in his life, but why am i so sad and crying all the time ??

how to evercome this ?
how to evercome that all the dreams and plans i had for us is not vanished !!

i need help, but not sure who can help me

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/12/2021 16:55

Seriously the best thing you can do is take him at his word, go for an amicable divorce in which he takes responsibility for his child and pays the right amount of maintenance. Rebuild your life and co-parent well, and hopefully meet someone else. Nobody has to stay in a relationship where they are not happy.

Having said all of the above, it may be difficult to achieve this if he doesn't live up to his responsibilities or turns out to have been cheating.

frozendaisy · 11/12/2021 17:07

He asked for a break and YOU moved out?

Next time, if he wants separation, tell him the door is that way.

Ok so this is all his instigation. That might just be how it is but he leaves, not you.

Hope you find your way.

CharlotteRose90 · 11/12/2021 17:09

I’m sorry but you can’t. He wants a divorce and you need to accept that and move on. It hurts but it’s life. Divorce and co Parent your child together. In time you will meet someone else.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2021 17:13

If he wants a divorce, he can leave the home. You were absolutely mad to move out the last time. Tell him to get out now so you can move on with your life. All he's doing is playing games.

TheTrinity · 11/12/2021 17:18

You are grieving the life you wanted and hoped for. It's normal to feel heartbroken. Sometimes we can't make another person stay with us and we just have to let them go however difficult it is. Please try to accept this and do not leave your home again. Take the time to try to work out how to best co parent your daughter and take care of yourself by getting all the support you need as you go through this part of your life.

pointythings · 11/12/2021 17:19

I absolutely agree that you should not leave the home. He should be the one to leave because there are children in the mix.

LostForIdeas · 11/12/2021 17:20

If he wants to get a divorce, there is nothing you can do but accept it.

If he wants to separate and nit even try to save the marriage, then you won’t be able to do a lot about that. Because to make it work, you need to both want to make it work.

Having said that, what it means is that you need to start to be proactive and protect yourself. If he wants a divorce, then you need to go and see a solicitor. He need to move out if this is what he wants. You can’t bend over backwards for someone who isn’t ready to make any affect at all for you.

I’m waiting for posters to pile in saying there is an OW too…..

repottingthescabious · 11/12/2021 17:22

he sounds depressed. Has he sought help?

you have to put yourself and daughter first though.

TherapyClient · 11/12/2021 17:23

Op, I'm in the same position and it really hurts. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

I have found in my case I cannot win him over: he's checked out. It's heartbreaking for my children and my dreams.

I say again, so sorry this is what you're dealt. In my limited experience you can win a man who isn't already there by himself.

Sorry to say that. I hope you can find strength enough to go on without him.

BourbonScreams · 11/12/2021 17:24

Yes, if he wants to separate then you don't have a choice in that matter. But don't leave your home, he can leave himself. You're certainly not unreasonable for being upset, the end of a long relationship is almost always heart-wrenching. Wishing you all the best xx

Original poster
themarwah · 11/12/2021 17:39

i left the home as i needed my parents support, and they live abroad.
so i travelled to be with thim

and i think it will be the same this time.
i have absolutely no one here in the uk !! no family or relatives

and being so heartbroken now i do not think i can take care of my child, plus i need their emotional support

OP posts:
Fallagain · 11/12/2021 18:11

What have you been doing for the last year and half to save your marriage when he first started saying he was unhappy?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2021 19:01

Its really sad and hurtful that he keeps dropping you and picking you up again and cannot put any effort at all into even considering fixing things.

Its not surprising that you feel so down, it must be soul destroying going though all that back and forth. It sounds like he's been completely checked out for some time and obviously that is hurtful for you
He won't go to marriage counselling but you could go on your own and have someone to talk to about how you plan things from now on.

He asked you back, but is now talking about divorce.
I think you should get some legal advice asap, however bad you are feeling about divorce, to protect yourself and to be well prepared in case he drops another bombshell on you.
You especially need advice about custody given that he seems OK with you moving back abroad. Get as much help and support as you can to help you get through this, even if its extra cleaning/babysitting help so that you have more time to research your next steps.
You are still so young and have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you will get through this to a happier place.

gogohm · 11/12/2021 19:09

In reality you are unlikely to change his mind. I tried, it just delayed the inevitable.

But you need his consent to take you dc permanently abroad so you must discuss it before final decisions are made

YRGAM · 11/12/2021 20:29

Sounds like depression to me

drpet49 · 11/12/2021 20:43

* I’m sorry but you can’t. He wants a divorce and you need to accept that and move on. It hurts but it’s life.*

^This

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 20:46

Go home.

It’s heartbreaking, and very hard, but there’s nothing else you can do.

Don’t listen to him when he inevitably changes his mind again.

LostForIdeas · 11/12/2021 20:51

@themarwah has a child though.
She can’t just leave wo the express consent of the father because the U.K. is the normal residence for the child.

It’s a really harsh reality of having children in a country that isn’t your own :(

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 20:54

It's awful when this happens, but you really do need to listen to what he is saying and come to terms with it and start to move on.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 20:55

She can go home until she feels stronger.

Onthedunes · 11/12/2021 20:56

I agree, to go back home, let your parents support you.

You must be so insecure and afraid being in another country with no family or friends and him being such an arsehole.

Go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand legally as soon as possible. You cannot keep living like this.

You can re build your life with your lovely daughter, you can't see it now but taking action will be a step in the right direction.

Flowers for you.

nocnoc · 11/12/2021 22:18

Go to the airport tomorrow and say you’re going for Xmas. Just pack your documents and go. This isn’t salvageable and you need support

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 11/12/2021 22:20

@nocnoc

Go to the airport tomorrow and say you’re going for Xmas. Just pack your documents and go. This isn’t salvageable and you need support
I agree.
Zerrin13 · 11/12/2021 22:29

I agree aswell

OscarWildebeest · 11/12/2021 22:29

@Fallagain

What have you been doing for the last year and half to save your marriage when he first started saying he was unhappy?
I think the question ought to be what has HE done in the last year and a half besides jerk her back and forth and whine about being unhappy?
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