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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just told me that he's married...

35 replies

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 14:17

OK, been seeing a guy very occasionally, maybe once a month, since August 2020. But we're in regular touch via texts. He's always said that he is divorced.

His work takes him all over the country, for several weeks at a time. I've become rather obsessed about him. I saw him last week and he admitted he was married for 30 years, but has been separated for the last 3 years.

Now I'm noticing how he never contacts me at weekends, how he never takes me out anywhere, and how last week he wouldn't smoke a cig on my balcony. (I assume it's because he doesn't want to be spotted)

I'm pretty devastated. There is a language barrier, so it's difficult to casually ask him things, drop hints etc. I know I need to finish him. He says he loves me, but only manages to text me after midnight every few days. We sometimes face time, when he's in bed and he is alone. But maybe they do just sleep separately.

I'm so pissed off with myself, he says he gets on well with his ex, but I think they're still very much together. Most men who are separated tell me straight away, but he insisted that he was divorced. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'm no angel myself, as I'm constantly looking for a proper relationship, with someone who has time for me, but I don't have sex with anyone but him. But I know that seeing him is preventing me from liking/fancying other men.

Has anyone got any advice, or experienced something similar? Please be kind.

OP posts:

Calamitydrayne · 11/12/2021 14:21

Language barrier? That's a new one.

GrannieD · 11/12/2021 14:24

Sounds like he is still married. Be strong and walk away. You deserve better x

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2021 14:27

You know he’s bad news. Cut him off and put your energies into something more positive and productive.

LIZS · 11/12/2021 14:27

He travels? Bet he has others waiting around for him too. You might need a sti check.

Bonbon21 · 11/12/2021 14:29

Think you might be in a rota here...
Walk away.. no... run..
Find your selfworth.

FinallyHere · 11/12/2021 14:30

But I know that seeing him is preventing me from liking/fancying other men.

Absolutely this.

It's up to you how to finish it. You can drag it out for a good more years before eventually giving up though lack of genuine attention or you can rip off the plaster quickly and get on with the rest of your life.

Your choice. Which do you choose?

litterbird · 11/12/2021 14:33

You are one of probably many. He is still very married and is having a ball dropping in all over the country at whoever he is pulling the wool over their eyes. Dont beat yourself up about it. It happens more than you can imagine. Just stop all contact, get over it and be careful who you date next time. OLD is full of these types. Not quite sure what you mean about the language barrier. However there is always a common language of silence when you block him, he will understand that.

layladomino · 11/12/2021 14:37

He lied from the start. Which is bad enough. And then the thing he lied about is that he's married. So still (legally at the very least) 'with' his wife. If they were genuinly 3 years separated, why didn't he say that from the start? Which leads me to thinking that they aren't separated. And all the other stuff you've said (lack of calls / can only see you once a week / won't be seen out with you) seem to confirm that.

So on the basis of a) he's lied to you and b) he's very likely still with his wife, making you the OW, I would walk away.

There is no good reason to lie to someone about anything, especially something so fundamental.

Original poster

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 15:04

Thank you. Re the language barrier. I'm living in Europe, but not the UK. , I'm from England, he's local to the country I'm currently in. I'm learning the language, he only speaks a small amount of English. Texting is easy as you can use auto-translate

OP posts:

dumplings1 · 11/12/2021 15:25

You're not his priority if he doesn't contact you evenings and weekends, you only see him occasionally he could be married still or perhaps he is separated and you may not be only one he's seeing. I wouldn't believe for a minute he loves you or he be showing you more commitment than this. This guy is just for a fun time not a long time.

Fallagain · 11/12/2021 15:26

You need to start upping your standards. This man only contacts you after midnight 🚩, I’m guessing you’ve never been on a date 🚩, you cant communicate clearly 🚩, says he loves you after meeting only on a few occasions 🚩, only sees you once a month 🚩. This is not a relationship. He is married and he is using you for sex. The only thing you can sensibly do is block him and never speak to him again.

gogohm · 11/12/2021 15:31

Walk away, unless it's my ex in which case he's telling the truth in that we haven't got round to sorting paperwork out 3 years on

Original poster

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 16:00

It's not good is it? I've really fallen for him. I've met a few men on this dating site and I liked him as he seemed so normal and confident. Other men I've met seem very needy and want to move things on quickly.

I see now that he's "normal and confident" because he's probably in a secure marriage... I'm in the UK at present, back in the other country next month.

So I've got some time to think things through.. I guess I'm part of the problem as I don't have much to offer anyone with living between two countries.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 16:02

Oh my god just get rid. Regardless of anything else you know he's already lied. There's no point wasting your time on someone who lies straight away.

MMmomDD · 11/12/2021 16:17

OP - your posts seem confusing.

You are searching for someone who wants to have a relationship and has time for you.
Yet you don’t like men on a dating site because they want to move things quickly.
However you seem to be obsessed about someone who sees you once/month….
Ans you have fallen for someone who barely speaks English. Off his Google translated occasional texts?

It doesn’t really matter what his situation is. He doesn’t want to date you.
And the two of you aren’t able to communicate normally anyway - so how can any relationship be possible?

But mostly - I think you need to figure out what you are really looking for.

AdaColeman · 11/12/2021 16:28

This man is a player. He is using you for convenient sex. He may well be married, he almost certainly has other partners.

He is not offering you any kind of commitment, and he never will.

He has told you he loves you because he knows that is what you want to hear. But ask yourself if his behaviour towards you shows any love.
It sounds more as though he is taking advantage of you.

Do The Freedom Programme on line, get some personal boundaries in place. Start to value yourself. Stop being taken for a fool.

Send him a one word text, "Goodbye" in his own language, then block his number.

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 16:36

You see it for exactly what it is. But now you have feelings...........

You have to be so strong now because as you also know rationally, if you keep looking for somebody else while you're with him then it'll prevent you from forming a connection with anybody new.

Different situation as he wasn't married but I did date the world's least available man once, he was lovely when we were together but only needed to connect once a week or so and he thought I was abnormal. Everybody else he'd ever dated was abnormal / needy too

I did try to date other people because like you, although I knew rationally that it was the road to nowhere with him, what I didn't fully understand was that the feelings I had for him made me scan a quick eye over other men looking for their faults or worse, seeing them through his eyes. I knew who he'd think was nerdy or whatever.

It stopped me meeting anybody else even though I met up with loads of people when I was seeing him. All first dates though.

Ditch the married man.

It'll be hard for a few weeks (6 or so) and then it starts to feel so much better.

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 16:40

@OkSpiritualknot

I see now that he's "normal and confident" because he's probably in a secure marriage... I'm in the UK at present, back in the other country next month.

So I've got some time to think things through.. I guess I'm part of the problem as I don't have much to offer anyone with living between two countries.

When you get back on line. Think about what seems like a normal pace, and don't be rushed.

I was susceptible to men who rushed me too. It's a boundary vulnerability. You're either love-bombed or you flee but healthy men don't do this to people they're dating. They respect their boundaries and take it at a pace that feels less panicked

Original poster

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 16:48

Thank you Anfia.. Very insightful and useful. And very gently put. Appreciate that.

I've looked at the Freedom Programme and will give it some thought.

When I say needy men trying to move quickly, I'm talking marriage proposals from the first or second dates... I don't consider that normal.

I'm going to have to end things... He hasn't contacted me since Wednesday, obviously won't contact me over the weekend. I'll wait... I'm not going to contact him as he won't read my message for days and it'll drive me nuts waiting...

OP posts:

CharlotteRose90 · 11/12/2021 17:00

You don’t need to end things. Just stop answering his texts and don’t contact him. He doesn’t deserve an explanation. His poor wife. He must have women everywhere .

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 17:01

Wow, he'd leave your message unread all week? That is a harsh message to be on the receiving end of continually. How could that not erode you!?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2021 17:05

You're barely even an afterthought to this man, yet you keep shagging him whenever it strikes his fancy? Raise your standards.

AnFiaRuaNua · 11/12/2021 17:08

Next time he messages you, turn off your data, mobile data and wifi and then read the message. Then come out of whatsapp and then turn them back on.

Devious I know but he deserves it.

Don't bother to let him know that you can't be bothered any more. He'll just give you some rationale for why it is a good idea to ignore your own agenda and fall in to line with his.

Original poster

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 17:29

Anfia, We use messenger. I can dropdown the message when it arrives to read it. It still says unread then. Also if I do accidently open it, I can put it back as unread.

I have tried to finish things before, due to feeling disrespected by him. He persuaded me otherwise, which I wasn't happy about really. Felt he should have let me go.... This was a few months ago..

OP posts:

Original poster

OkSpiritualknot · 11/12/2021 17:32

So yes, it's probably best I just do it quietly......

OP posts:

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