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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Had to call the police last night, what happens next?

49 replies

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 10:30

Morning all. Going to try and be brief with background. I'm 32 weeks pregnant and have a 10 yr old dd. Boyfriend and I have a very rocky relationship, we argue quite a lot. I'm not going to say it's all him, but honestly I know it's mostly him. He's got a temper and he blames me for everything etc etc. We've split a few times but got back together with the intention of working on our problems. We were supposed to be starting some counselling soon in the hope that we'd be able to work on things before baby arrives (my dd isn't his). We've not been living together while trying to work on things, just seeing eachother at the w/e. He went out for his work Xmas drinks last night and was staying at mine after. He got back v.Late and v.drunk (he hardly ever drinks, I think I've only seen him drunk about 5 times in the past 4 years), had lost most of his stuff and couldn't remember where he'd been. I was trying to talk it through with him so he might figure out where he'd been and where to find his stuff (probably not the wisest to do with a drunk person and should've waited til morning). Something I said pissed him off and started a huge row, he was shouting and saying horrible things to me. I tried to get him to calm down and go to bed, asked him to leave (he was banging and shouting and I was worried about disturbing my neighbours - dd was at a friends for a sleepover thank god). I walked away but was worried about all the noise so went back to trying to get him to stop. He was shouting in my face and saying awful things to me. I was sitting there just taking it hoping he'd talk himself out but I lost my temper and hit him a few times (completely unacceptable I know). He broke things and would not stop shouting. I told him if he didn't calm down or leave I would call the police, last thing I wanted to do but I just didn't know what else to do :( he wouldn't so I had to call them, he then went outside 'to wait for them'. When they got here he was shouting outside for ages and wouldn't calm down (they were outside with him for nearly an hour). They came in to talk to me as well, I explained what had happened and said I'd hit him. They arrested him for criminal damage, but I heard them say to him that if he calmed down they'd 'dearrest' him and take him home. Eventually took him in the van, not sure whether they took him to the station or his parents house (they seemed to really want to just take him home rather than the police station). Though dd wasn't here they obviously took details for her, and my due date. I know they'll have to inform social services. What will happen now?? I'm so upset and angry with him for putting me in this position :( I didn't want to have to call the police but I just couldn't get him to stop and I didn't know what else to do. I was not afraid at any point that he would hurt me, but he was breaking things and making so much noise and it was still frightening, even though I was confident he wouldn't touch me. I feel so exhausted and worried about what the consequences of this will be for my daughter, myself and baby (and him to some degree, but less so).

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/12/2021 11:09

Sorry about this. How traumatic Flowers

Firstly, it's likely you'll have a visit from social services and or a support police officer who will talk to you about domestic abuse.

they might tell you that he's not allowed in your house any longer and if you let him then your custody of your children will be at risk.

I'm not going to sugar coat that...they will be watching and checking. He might get assisted visits in a contact centre with his baby...which is what I'd advise you go for.

He won't change. He's obviously got a problem and it's when partners are pregnant that the real abuse starts which is what he's just proven.

You're not planning on trying to make the relationship work are you?

Hen2018 · 11/12/2021 11:16

You hit him a few times but you weren’t arrested yourself?

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 11:18

@Hen2018

You hit him a few times but you weren’t arrested yourself?
They'll have been more worried about diffusing the situation.

If he decides to report an assault they'll revisit it.

Intheopinionofourexpert · 11/12/2021 11:23

@FortunesFave

Sorry about this. How traumatic Flowers

Firstly, it's likely you'll have a visit from social services and or a support police officer who will talk to you about domestic abuse.

they might tell you that he's not allowed in your house any longer and if you let him then your custody of your children will be at risk.

I'm not going to sugar coat that...they will be watching and checking. He might get assisted visits in a contact centre with his baby...which is what I'd advise you go for.

He won't change. He's obviously got a problem and it's when partners are pregnant that the real abuse starts which is what he's just proven.

You're not planning on trying to make the relationship work are you?

Did you miss the bit where OP lost her temper and hit him a few times?

OP, this is a toxic relationship which needs to end. I'm sure you know that, now is the time to act on it. Please get yourself some professional help. Doing both of these will show SS that you're serious about improving life for your family.

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 11:25

@FortunesFave yes that's what I'm thinking will happen. No I'm not planning on trying to make this work anymore, I do not want my life to be like this. I've never in my life had to call the police.

OP posts:
Thornrose · 11/12/2021 11:26

Your dd's school will receive an Operation Emcompass report stating that there was a DA incident. It will state whether dd was present or not.

Social Services may decide to do a Child and Family Assessment.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 11/12/2021 11:28

This relationship has to end for the sake of everyone involved.

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 11:30

@Hen2018 I told them I hit him, they did not say anything about arresting me. He was talking about me assaulting him (I could hear him out the window) and they said he could prosecute/ whatever the term would be for assault if he wanted to, but they wanted him to calm down. If he feels that he wants to take that course then I accept that, he has every right to do so. I don't think he's likely to want to take that further but I will accept the consequences if he does. I have no intention of pursuing prosecution for criminal damage (they asked me if I wanted them to arrest him, but I said I'd rather they just took him home, but they couldn't get him to calm down so had to arrest him).

OP posts:
felulageller · 11/12/2021 11:31

If you don't immediately cut contact with him your baby will end up on the pre birth child protection register.

Exposing DC's to domestic abuse is child abuse.

Accept the relationship is over. Dont co register the birth.

If he wants contact with the baby he needs to arrange for someone other than you to supervise that.

If you don't prioritize your DC's safety you could lose them. (Esp so if DD's DF has PRR.)

It would help you if you speak to women's aid.

Re you hitting him. Yes you shouldn't have. Often abusers provoke violence to defect from their own abuse so I'll not pass judgement without knowing the full story.

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 11:33

@girlmom21 yes that seemed to be their preferred course of action. They were mostly focused on getting him away from the area. They wanted to take him home, they clearly didn't want to arrest him but he was so aggressive he didn't leave them much choice. And they did mention to him about reporting assault later

OP posts:
namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 11:34

Thanks for the information about what may happen next

OP posts:
namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 11:38

@felulageller I accept it, though I'm of course upset about it. I'm okay not having contact, but not sure what will happen when baby arrives. What is the contact process if you're exclusively bfing?

I have an okay relationship with his family and have spoken to his mum today. Police wouldn't give her any info when she called but she said it seemed like they didn't have him, and he didn't go home. So now worried about where he is and if he's okay, but I can't get myself involved in that. His mums going to update me later.

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 11/12/2021 11:41

OP - it isn’t up to you or him to prosecute.
The police will decide who is charged and with which offence.
They could arrest you for assault, charge and prosecute you (if the CPS is happy to prosecute).
You were both involved in domestic violence.
But aside from the possibility of criminal charges that you could both face, there’s a worrying tone in this post - you are pregnant and leaving yourself and unborn child at risk - by being violent yourself and placing yourself at risk of violence in retaliation for hitting him.
None of us can say what the police will do.
The best you can do is end the relationship and protect yourself and your children and co-operate with SS.

LemonPeonies · 11/12/2021 11:42

Male or female violence is unacceptable. You shouldn't be together, I feel sorry for the children.

gamerchick · 11/12/2021 11:47

I feel really sorry for your daughter being in the middle of this toxic relationship and the coming baby who's had to listen to to this crap while inside you.

Take the support from SS and remove this man from your lives. It doesnt work and will never work.

77kidsandcounting · 11/12/2021 11:52

Op, dont worry, this happened to me about 5 years ago, my ex strangled me, put a pillow over my mouth and dragged me by the hair and tried to throw me down the stairs, i called the police he was arrested and up in court the next day, pleaded guilty etc got his punishment and social services weren't involved at all, my kids were out staying at their grans that night

hotfroth · 11/12/2021 12:05

@Hen2018

You hit him a few times but you weren’t arrested yourself?
What - arrest a heavily pregnant woman fighting off an aggressive, abusive drunk? I doubt the police gave it a second's thought.
Thatsplentyjack · 11/12/2021 12:10

@Hen2018

You hit him a few times but you weren’t arrested yourself?
There's a good chance you will be OP. They arrested my mum because she admitted to shoving my dad when he was up in her face shouting. She hit him and pushed him out of the way. They arrested them both at the same time, even although he had been torturing her for 2 weeks and she had already contacted them about what he was doing to her. That was before she hit him.
namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 12:15

I appreciate that people have strong opinions about how awful it is when children are in the middle of such things and I obviously agree. Of course I'm thinking to myself that my poor innocent unborn child heard it all, experienced the flood of stress hormones, and is going to have a life without parents who are together and happy etc. I hate it, it's awful. And my wonderful innocent dd who hasn't witnessed this, but will of course be affected by the consequences. This isn't what I wanted for my children or myself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, by all means say what you think, but it's good to have some compassion and understanding that people don't intend to get themselves in these situations and will feel awful about it. I have never had police involvement in my life and I am a good mum to my dd. It's hard not to feel judged and shamed when you say such things and that hurts. I have no intention of allowing this situation to continue and at no point have I said otherwise. I just came here asking for people's knowledge of what's likely to happen next.

OP posts:
namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 12:17

@77kidsandcounting how horrific for you, I'm so sorry! I hope you are your children are in a good place now

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 11/12/2021 12:17

Just going forward, this does jump out though I'm so upset and angry with him for putting me in this position

He didn't put you in that position, you both did. And I'm not saying that to be mean or victim blame, but if you continue a relationship that has significant issues then you can't really pretend you don't have a huge role to play when it all goes to shit for you and potentially negatively impacts your children. Glad you are getting rid of him.

NotStayingIn · 11/12/2021 12:21

But in terms of what happens next, I wonder if it makes a difference whether they arrested him or not? I'm not sure. Try not to worry, you did the right thing by calling the police.

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 12:21

@NotStayingIn what I mean by that is putting me in the position of having to call the police. I tried to get him to calm down and I tried to get him to leave. If he'd done either of those things then I wouldn't have needed to call them. That's what I mean by that in case it wasn't clear

OP posts:
BitterTits · 11/12/2021 12:22

I'm really sorry for you, OP, and I can't say that I wouldn't have hit out myself under such extreme provocation. There are some very saintly posters on this thread.

namechange191919 · 11/12/2021 12:24

@NotStayingIn

But in terms of what happens next, I wonder if it makes a difference whether they arrested him or not? I'm not sure. Try not to worry, you did the right thing by calling the police.
Thanks. I've spoken to police this morning and they said they'll call me with an update (but said he's safe and well so I assume he's still with them). They said last night that they would follow up with me but didn't say when or how (in person/over the phone) and I'm going to go and stay at my mums so didn't want to miss them if they turned up. I'd also prefer to speak to them without dd present.
OP posts:
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