Had to call the police last night, what happens next?

[namechange191919]

Morning all. Going to try and be brief with background. I'm 32 weeks pregnant and have a 10 yr old dd. Boyfriend and I have a very rocky relationship, we argue quite a lot. I'm not going to say it's all him, but honestly I know it's mostly him. He's got a temper and he blames me for everything etc etc. We've split a few times but got back together with the intention of working on our problems. We were supposed to be starting some counselling soon in the hope that we'd be able to work on things before baby arrives (my dd isn't his). We've not been living together while trying to work on things, just seeing eachother at the w/e. He went out for his work Xmas drinks last night and was staying at mine after. He got back v.Late and v.drunk (he hardly ever drinks, I think I've only seen him drunk about 5 times in the past 4 years), had lost most of his stuff and couldn't remember where he'd been. I was trying to talk it through with him so he might figure out where he'd been and where to find his stuff (probably not the wisest to do with a drunk person and should've waited til morning). Something I said pissed him off and started a huge row, he was shouting and saying horrible things to me. I tried to get him to calm down and go to bed, asked him to leave (he was banging and shouting and I was worried about disturbing my neighbours - dd was at a friends for a sleepover thank god). I walked away but was worried about all the noise so went back to trying to get him to stop. He was shouting in my face and saying awful things to me. I was sitting there just taking it hoping he'd talk himself out but I lost my temper and hit him a few times (completely unacceptable I know). He broke things and would not stop shouting. I told him if he didn't calm down or leave I would call the police, last thing I wanted to do but I just didn't know what else to do :( he wouldn't so I had to call them, he then went outside 'to wait for them'. When they got here he was shouting outside for ages and wouldn't calm down (they were outside with him for nearly an hour). They came in to talk to me as well, I explained what had happened and said I'd hit him. They arrested him for criminal damage, but I heard them say to him that if he calmed down they'd 'dearrest' him and take him home. Eventually took him in the van, not sure whether they took him to the station or his parents house (they seemed to really want to just take him home rather than the police station). Though dd wasn't here they obviously took details for her, and my due date. I know they'll have to inform social services. What will happen now?? I'm so upset and angry with him for putting me in this position :( I didn't want to have to call the police but I just couldn't get him to stop and I didn't know what else to do. I was not afraid at any point that he would hurt me, but he was breaking things and making so much noise and it was still frightening, even though I was confident he wouldn't touch me. I feel so exhausted and worried about what the consequences of this will be for my daughter, myself and baby (and him to some degree, but less so).

12:05hotfroth

Hen2018

You hit him a few times but you weren’t arrested yourself?

What - arrest a heavily pregnant woman fighting off an aggressive, abusive drunk? I doubt the police gave it a second's thought.

This

Yes SS will be called because a child lives at the property and also because your pregnant. I would just explain to them that this behaviour was very out of character but that one time is too many so the relationship is over and you will be working out co-parenting later, right now you're just concentrating on your own, babies and DD's health and well-being. Then I would see if you can do the freedom programme or any other DV support or parenting programmes. Good luck.

I'm not judging you OP. I apologise if it comes across that way in my post. I always feel sorry for the kids in volatile relationships. There is always a lead up to this point.

If you take him back you may get judgement. Please take all help available and get rid of the aggressive twat.

I probably would have twatted the fucker as well by the way. Frustration can come out like that.

Of course I'm thinking to myself that my poor innocent unborn child heard it all

People here will use that as a stick to beat you with but nobody knows what they heard before they were born. It's really not something you need to worry about.

Just make sure you and your children are safe. Everything else can wait.

They will send a CID16 to your DD's HV / school nurse and your midwife. Social services are so stretched it wouldn't surprise me if they just open and shut the case if you say you have no intention of continuing the relationship.

Hope you are ok. Please take it easy

Thank you everyone x
I will be happy to follow guidance from ss but just hate that they may have to be involved. And I feel sad for him that he may now have to have limited contact with his first and only child (his mum has also now basically guilt tripped me for this as if it's my fault), and I know that he wanted us to be able to be a family. But I just cannot allow my children to live in such an environment and for myself to be treated that way. It just all so shit, and I feel so helpless right now because I just have to sit with these feelings and deal with the consequences as they come. I'm at my mums for support and company and I doubt I'll hear from him. It's just horrible not knowing what will happen and what my life will now be like for the foreseeable future.

Thanks @gamerchick it's absolutely true that the kids are the innocent ones and should not have to deal with this shit! My dd is so gentle and kind as well, and very sensitive. I feel so so awful for what effect this has on her. I feel so incredibly lucky that she wasn't home

Will she ask where he is?

Or maybe she will think it’s just another split

She didn't ask where he was as I hadn't mentioned that he would be round because she wasn't home. But I had put a note in my hallway (I live in a block of 8 flats) apologising for the disturbance, she saw the note as we were leaving to go to my mums and she asked about it. I just told her we'd had an argument and it was a bit loud and might have disturbed the neighbours. I didn't want to say anything more that might make her feel worried or anxious. She didn't seem too bothered, just asked what we'd argued about. Unfortunately that's probably because she's used to us arguing (though not like this!). But I'm still relieved that for her this isn't the massive awful thing it actually is, iykwim.

I think to help yourself long term, and to alleviate or address the concerns SS may have, it's worth you having a really serious think about why you've stayed in a volatile relationship for four years when you already have a child who is therefore exposed to it. And why you chose to have a baby with the person you have a 'rocky' relationship with and who has a temper, blames you for everything etc.

I'm not saying that to shame you, but because you need to seriously understand why you continued a toxic and unhealthy relationship for years and especially when you are a parent. To stop it happening again either with him or someone else in future.

I just have to say you have a lot of courage. I can't imagine how awful you're feeling right now. But you demonstrate such a high level of awareness that my friends in domestic abuse situations don't seem to have. You have enough self respect and confidence to realise you don't deserve this. You also have confidence in your abilities as a mum, and know you'll be an amazing mum to baby #2. I have every reason to believe you will look back on this moment as your turning point. You will reflect on it in years down the road and thank yourself for having the courage to move on from this man, and from the negative beliefs that brought you to this place. It sucks that SS are involved. But accept the help and support they offer with humility and gratitude. Their whole purpose is to keep families together in the healthiest circumstances possible. They want you to thrive. And you will!

You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. You deserve calm. Just as your beautiful children do. I can't wait to see how your journey goes. I honestly believe in my soul you will rise victorious from this low moment.

@youvegottenminuteslynn there's definite links to the fact that my father is also just like this, so such behaviour almost seems 'normal' to me. To be clear, my rational brain knows that it is NOT normal and I do fight against it (telling bf things aren't acceptable and sticking up for myself in arguments), but I think my 'child' brain sees it as 'normal' iykwim. I've been nc with my father for 3 years now. And I saw the similarities and just hoped that we could work it out because bf is not my father and had more positives about him than my father. I feel completely responsible for ignoring/hoping red flags would be fixable.

Thank you @LimeWire, your words are comforting and I sincerely hope you're right x

[quote namechange191919]@youvegottenminuteslynn there's definite links to the fact that my father is also just like this, so such behaviour almost seems 'normal' to me. To be clear, my rational brain knows that it is NOT normal and I do fight against it (telling bf things aren't acceptable and sticking up for myself in arguments), but I think my 'child' brain sees it as 'normal' iykwim. I've been nc with my father for 3 years now. And I saw the similarities and just hoped that we could work it out because bf is not my father and had more positives about him than my father. I feel completely responsible for ignoring/hoping red flags would be fixable. [/quote]
I think it's really powerful to use that self reflection for good - when you speak to SS I would perhaps say to them that this has made you keen to work on your boundaries and expectations in order to ensure a safe secure environment for your kids. I would suggest you do the freedom programme and tell them you're doing it. Show willing and be genuinely willing to work on some ways of ensuring this doesn't happen again in future. And it's best you've ended the relationship (have you done this now) before the baby arrives as you can go into it with your eyes open as a single parent rather than him making empty promises about the relationship while you're exhausted and vulnerable. You can draw a line now.

@youvegottenminuteslynn really good advice, thank you. I haven't spoken to him so haven't 'ended the relationship' as such, but I have no intention of speaking to him any time soon and I know he won't contact me either.

Was given an update from the police. Unfortunately apparently he's still being rude and petulant with everybody, he's furious he was arrested and I wasn't and thinks I should have been and that he didn't do anything wrong. Apparently he said I wouldn't let him leave and was abusive to him as soon as he got in the flat (completely untrue). I can't quite believe he's still being this way when sober. I feel really upset that he's adamantly blaming me, I didn't expect him to still be maintaining that stance today. Anyway, I gave them his mums phone number, they said he'd be released with no further action and they said there would be no further action for me also. So I guess that's one thing off my mind, and I'll just have to deal with ss when they call/visit. And will speak to the pastoral care teacher on Monday to inform her and make sure that dds got some additional support if needed.

How are things OP?

Yes ss will be called and will visit, I would be amazed if they didn’t it’s pretty standard to involve ss in these situations regardless of whether the child was there or not and you are pregnant so that would be a referral

Actually there is a lot of evidence of how being exposed to domestic abuse even before birth can have an impact on children's health and development so that's not exactly true. Expect a call from a social worker tomorrow as this was a significant incident where police have been called out to deal with this. If this is the 1st incident and there have been no injuries its likely they won't do much other than speak to you over the phone or maybe do a visit but I would seriously consider your relationship as this will happen again and next time social care will take it seriously and your kids could end up with involvement.

I can't see any circumstances where hitting him would have diffused the situation. You can't live with him, it's obviously way too toxic a relationship
The one saving grace is your dd wasn't around.

Can you do a Claire's law request? Ask if you can get a non molestation order against him too.

Please don't put his name on birth certificate. No matter what he or his mum say.

To all those saying you hit him and should have been arrested. Watch the live abuse free channel for how abusers operate. Famously Gabi Petito was labelled the abuser by the police when she admitted pushing and scratching her abusive boyfriend. Shortly after he murdered her. The videos explain this clearly. This man is the perpetrator of your abuse. I would stop messaging his mum. No good will come of that.

glad you're ok OP.

The police knew the score as they've dealt with thousands of aggressive violent men before.
He kept going off on them, trained police officers. They weren't able to calm him down and had to arrest him. They knew you weren't the abuser.

Glad you're not going back to him. He clearly has issues and the only person who can help that is him.

Try not to feel sad for him. He did this himself. He is capable of calling and getting help with his anger, violent, impulsive behaviours. He chooses not to. That's on him. No child wants to grow up around that.

@namechange191919

Thank you everyone x I will be happy to follow guidance from ss but just hate that they may have to be involved. And I feel sad for him that he may now have to have limited contact with his first and only child (his mum has also now basically guilt tripped me for this as if it's my fault), and I know that he wanted us to be able to be a family. But I just cannot allow my children to live in such an environment and for myself to be treated that way. It just all so shit, and I feel so helpless right now because I just have to sit with these feelings and deal with the consequences as they come. I'm at my mums for support and company and I doubt I'll hear from him. It's just horrible not knowing what will happen and what my life will now be like for the foreseeable future.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him and his mother and start feeling sorry for yourself and your children.

Many police officers are very clued up about DV. They are used to making quick risk assessments. They could see that you person who was most at risk was you ( and your unborn child ). Unless you hit him with a weapon and injured him they are unlikely to care that pushed him / hit his arm / slapped him / whatever.

A heavily pregnant woman defending herself against a violent and threatening drunk is not abuse. Abuse is a pattern is behaviour designed to control.

But you must MUST end it with him, or you risk serious consequences for you and your children. The care system is full of children whose mothers could parent them successfully but they refuse to keep them safe from violent men.

It’s all ….

It’s hardly ever happens
He didn’t mean it , he was drunk / high
He deserves another chance
I don’t want to be a single parent
My kid deserves a relationship with their dad
It’s my fault, I wound him up
Someone must have spiked his drinks
He’s lovely when he’s sober
It was a bad batch of drugs
It was only a bit of weed
He’s going to get help

It’s not his fault there’s no places in rehab
He had a terrible childhood
He has depression

He’s going to get a job
His boss wound him up
He didn’t mean it
It’s not his fault he lost his job / his gran / cat died
He’s trying really hard
Everyone makes mistakes
No one is perfect
His ex cheated on him