Embarrassed and don’t know how to stop this escalating

[SaveUsernzme]

NC as I feel embarrassed about this!

I’ve developed a fear that people are talking about me. I’ve always been quite an analytical person and my mind runs away with me…but nothing like this.

I don’t know if working from home has made it worse.

I can’t relax at all and feel like colleagues, friends and family are saying things behind my back. I don’t know what they’d be saying but even when I hear from them and they’re chatting away, I feel stressed and anxious.

I have begun questioning people in covert ways…it’s probably not covert actually, maybe they sense im worrying.

I hate it. The thoughts get worse and worse. Eleven years ago I had to make a horrible decision to take a tablet to stop my pregnancy as the baby had stopped growing properly but it was documented as my decision as I could technically have taken it through to birth though they would have died almost straight away. I sometimes think people are talking about that and don’t know what really happened.

My brother hasn’t spoken to me much over the years as he’s seen my worries most and he gets frustrated. I wonder how many other relationships I am now damaging with this

I am not anxious generally but have completely become hooked on the concept that people are talking badly of me in some way behind my back. It’s making me feel quite lonely now as well.

They are called intrusive thoughts OP. Go and see your GP and tell him or her how you are feeling. You can get help with this.

Have you tried taking it to its natural conclusion?

So people are talking about you? Then what?

Well they’ll all think awful things about me

Then what?

They’ll think I’m an awful person

Then what?

What is the worst case scenario that could happen here? Do you have evidence which points towards these thoughts being routed in reality?

What is the worst case scenario if everyone is talking about you and thinks you are an awful person?

@Gargellen the GP said I could have medication for anxiety but as I wasn’t anxious generally that I could first try to get on top of this myself. I preferred that idea and I have been trying the last couple of days but it’s very hard.

I have never heard of intrusive thoughts. I will look this up. I thought that was more like thoughts of a car accident or something rather than something like this xxx

@WoodyGd

Have you tried taking it to its natural conclusion?

So people are talking about you? Then what?

Well they’ll all think awful things about me

Then what?

They’ll think I’m an awful person

Then what?

What is the worst case scenario that could happen here? Do you have evidence which points towards these thoughts being routed in reality?

What is the worst case scenario if everyone is talking about you and thinks you are an awful person?

@WoodyGd that’s really helpful thank you. I hadnt done that, no. I’ve just done it now and it makes me feel 1) embarrassed and 2) like someone might do something horrible like burn my house or puncture my car tyres or 3) publicly talk about me on a local Facebook group etc

They are the ultimate worries.

You need to urgently make an appointment with your GP. Now.
Before these thoughts get so out of your control that you won't even be able to ask for help on social media. This is a medical problem that is not your fault, and you have a window to take control of it and seek treatment.

I can reassure you that this is not uncommon, that treatment WILL help, and you WILL feel better.

Have a look at this, OP:
www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Haffiana

You need to urgently make an appointment with your GP. Now. Before these thoughts get so out of your control that you won't even be able to ask for help on social media. This is a medical problem that is not your fault, and you have a window to take control of it and seek treatment.

I can reassure you that this is not uncommon, that treatment WILL help, and you WILL feel better.

@Haffiana I feel like the only person in the world to be feeling this. I’m SO embarrassed. I would go back to my gp and explain but what would they give me? I feel like it’s something I need to stamp out I just don’t know how.

I’ve always had low self esteem too and I think that feeds into this

@SparklingLime

Have a look at this, OP: ]]

@SparklingLime thank you so much. I’ve just ordered it. Terrified it won’t help me and then what, am I a lost cause.

I used to have intrusive thoughts like this really badly. I followed it to its logically conclusion which to me is that I am such an awful pariah then and if people really hated me so much I'd be like Shrek and have all the villagers surrounding my house with pitchforks. For me making it so ridiculous like that, it made me laugh at it a bit. So now when I get the thoughts I shut them down and think "well so long as they don't bring their pitchforks to my swamp I'm good"

I've had intrusive thoughts about lots of different things then, but I don't get them so much about people not liking me. For me I know have the confidence to question my own fears, so when my brain gives me one of these thoughts, I respond "so what?"

@Novasmummy

I used to have intrusive thoughts like this really badly. I followed it to its logically conclusion which to me is that I am such an awful pariah then and if people really hated me so much I'd be like Shrek and have all the villagers surrounding my house with pitchforks. For me making it so ridiculous like that, it made me laugh at it a bit. So now when I get the thoughts I shut them down and think "well so long as they don't bring their pitchforks to my swamp I'm good"

I've had intrusive thoughts about lots of different things then, but I don't get them so much about people not liking me. For me I know have the confidence to question my own fears, so when my brain gives me one of these thoughts, I respond "so what?"

@Novasmummy thanks for sharing that. I honestly can’t imagine anyone feels the same as me.

Obviously there’s been the random times I HAVE been talked about and I’ve found out afterwards and it’s not nice but I can’t control it. Trying to control it is so exhausting

I did get a bad resurgence of this at the start of covid though I think it's because most of the social world has gone online, and after a zoom meeting you don't get that chance to feel the mood and do the 'coffee and debrief' which I find very reassuring. The bit where I can check that I didn't accidentally swear or randomly flash my boobs for no reason, or quote Star Wars by accident, and if I did my colleagues can say "wtaf did you do that?" Ps. I have never done that. Well maybe the Star Wars thing but I think I got away with it

Yes for me it stems from being bullied at high school but I know other people who have this too, and I think it is more normal than we realise. For me I have got over a lot of my anxieties by seeing the funny side and making a joke.

Intrusive thoughts are so common, OP - the key is to learn not to give them any power. Thoughts are not facts. “So what”
is a good way to go but therapy and also medication are there to help if need be.

If anyone really is talking about you (and they more than likely aren’t) then they really are not worth worrying about. People who care about you will accept you for who you are - warts and all.
Remember nobody is perfect. We only see the surface things that people present, or even what we want to see. Our minds filter things, so at the moment you’ll be picking up on perceived negativity and ignoring the main positive stuff.

These thoughts are both intrusive and paranoid - i.e. they contain content that is about others trying to hurt you. Your GP needs to know about this so he/she can help you.

My OH had this problem and was very successfully treated - it is well-know and highly treatable, so you must take yourself off to the GP.

Good luck with this - I am sorry that you have been landed with this problem. Take care.

Somebody explained to me once that if you can use all that energy imagining that everyone hates you and is talking about you, you can use that energy imagining something different too. I started off imagining that everyone just was too busy to talk about me and hate me, now I have moved on to believing that everyone is too kind. I come from the assumption that people are either too busy or too kind to say bad thins about me, and I find the world a less scary hostile place. I find that I can imagine the world differently and that those imaginings eventually become beliefs when they are backed up with evidence over time. It would have been too much for me originally to think of people as kind, but to think of them as too busy wasn't too difficult. There are some situations where I still struggle with this, but 90% of my life I feel that I am around people who are either kind to me or indifferent to me.

OP you have already had some excellent replies, so I will only add my experience to help you feel less alone.

You are definitely NOT The only person in the world to ever feel like this.

To look at me, people would say all my life that I have always been confident. This isn't the case.

As a child I acted confident but inside I was scared that people were talking about me and it made me feel self conscious.

I started to think of myself as 'on TV', playing my role, because when people chatter about people on TV, the person who is on TV doesn't hear it and so it doesn't bother them because they aren't aware of it. Essentially, I'd construct a mental glass wall around me, becase I'm 'on tv' - you can't get to me!!

It really helped me create some distance between the thoughts and the actual reality, which was that people really are not talking about me. Why on earth would they? In the nicest possible way, I wasn't that special to be the subject of chit chat. It actually helped!

These days I'm strong. I am confident, and not in the fake way I once was. If people want to chit chat, no problem! Go ahead! I'm glad I could make your day brighter by providing content. But in reality I know that no-one does.

I hope this helps OP. You have recognised and put into words your problem. That's half the battle.

SparklingLime thank you so much. I’ve just ordered it. Terrified it won’t help me and then what, am I a lost cause.

I think that’s an example of catastrophic thinking, which tends to cause you further anxiety. ie: if I can’t make progress with this book then “I am a lost cause”. That’s not true, it’s just what your stressed brain is telling you. I’ve done similar thinking and it was a CBT therapist that pointed it out to me. Try to just take the book slowly and step by step. It’s bound to help a bit, but if not there are other options.

This explains it more: psychcentral.com/blog/catastrophic-thinking-when-your-mind-clings-to-worst-case-scenarios

OP when I had PND I thought that passers by would look in the windows and judge me as being a terrible mother (I was actually working very hard at being a mother but my baby had reflux so cried a lot). I also vaguely thought that these (non-existent) people all knew each other and word would go round (?) about how unhappy my baby was and how I must be the reason, all would agree that I was a bad person generally and they’d all bitch about me.

I went to the GP at some point and I got help and I was fine after that.

Sounds definetely like an anxiety disorder. You don't have generalised anxiety, but you probably have some form of social anxiety. And perhaps trauma related to your lost pregnancy (sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty, it was not your fault, and in all likelihood, you did the right thing)

I feel a bit like that sometimes (the whole "I made a fool of myself, and now everybody secretly hates me!") and it's absolutely exhausting. Social isolation (e.g. work from home) does make it worse. Being alone with yourself encourages "circular thoughts".
Hope you find ways to get better. If you don't want medications, seriously consider talking therapies such as CBT. It can help "unravel" toxic circular thought patterns.
But just going out and interacting casually with other people can sometimes help. Especially doing things that will make you feel like "a good person", and "a valued member of society". E.g. buying something from a charity shop, donating a few tins to a food bank, etc. (whatever works for you)

I’ve developed a fear that people are talking about me. I’ve always been quite an analytical person and my mind runs away with me…but nothing like this.

This caught my eye. Your anxiety sounds like a new-ish thing. But I wonder if you may also have undiagnosed ADHD/ASD (the high functioning type). Having a racing analytical mind is a symptom. It can be a strength, but it would leave you more vulnerable to certain mental health conditions (especially OCD-like anxiety)

@RobotValkyrie

Sounds definetely like an anxiety disorder. You don't have generalised anxiety, but you probably have some form of social anxiety. And perhaps trauma related to your lost pregnancy (sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty, it was not your fault, and in all likelihood, you did the right thing)

I feel a bit like that sometimes (the whole "I made a fool of myself, and now everybody secretly hates me!") and it's absolutely exhausting. Social isolation (e.g. work from home) does make it worse. Being alone with yourself encourages "circular thoughts".
Hope you find ways to get better. If you don't want medications, seriously consider talking therapies such as CBT. It can help "unravel" toxic circular thought patterns.
But just going out and interacting casually with other people can sometimes help. Especially doing things that will make you feel like "a good person", and "a valued member of society". E.g. buying something from a charity shop, donating a few tins to a food bank, etc. (whatever works for you)

I’ve developed a fear that people are talking about me. I’ve always been quite an analytical person and my mind runs away with me…but nothing like this.

This caught my eye. Your anxiety sounds like a new-ish thing. But I wonder if you may also have undiagnosed ADHD/ASD (the high functioning type). Having a racing analytical mind is a symptom. It can be a strength, but it would leave you more vulnerable to certain mental health conditions (especially OCD-like anxiety)

@RobotValkyrie thanks. I have wondered about ADHD. I can be high performing when I’m focused at work but my mind wanders within a second. It’s exhausting.

These replies have been SO helpful @Yuledo @topup @Mamette @Gargellen @Dery hopefully I’ve not missed anyone there.

When I told my family a while ago about these thoughts they mocked and joked that I wasn’t that important to people. I know what they’re getting at but I don’t think I’m important to anyone, I just panic.

I think ALL the neighbours are talking about me after I had the police out a few weeks ago for something relating to a car. It was something and nothing but I KNOW people talk and I have to accept that, it just sets off my anxiety hugely.

Based on my own experiences, I would agree this is anxiety related. When I’m stressed, I tend to catastrophise and imagine the worst. Don’t worry, OP, you’ll get this sorted. Lots of good advice on here but one big learning for me was to have my feelings/thought rather than my feelings/thoughts having me. You can start that by saying - these are just feelings/thoughts - they aren’t facts. You can start to disempower them by saying - “oh, you again - you’re funny” or similar. Trying to shut them out doesn’t tend to work but practising detachment does. Don’t worry if you can’t get there without help. That’s where therapy and/or medication can help you do the necessary work and then in time it will all become easier.

@Dery thanks. Sometimes I get a grip on it and it’s ok for a bit but other times I am so exhausted by it all that I feel it all closing in on me and I’m tired and lonely and feel sick and it gets so bad.

I’ve pushed so many friends away because of this. One friend, we were massively close but used to meet often for a quick coffee and superficial chat and I loved it… I’ve not seen her for a year now. She used to message every few weeks and the fear set in with her and that was that. I didn’t want to communicate.

I’ve done this in a lot of areas and even with my work I feel panicked sometimes that my secretary doesn’t want to speak to me etc. I know ive done NOTHING to hurt these people so they shouldn’t hate me but I worry I am judged or that everyone in my life is all speaking together and has joined up behind my back. Sounds crazy typing it out but i can honestly get myself so wound up that I start to believe that my secretary may have spoken to my parents or my friend, for example. It gets bad in those moments.

Okay, so it sounds like therapy and/or medication are in order. You will get there, OP - this has just got a bit out of hand and it will be easier for you if you have some help knocking it on the head.

OP you can self refer (if you are uin UK) for 6 weeks of free CBT counselling. I found that very very useful for a specific anxiety-related set of intrusive thoughts. I now catch myself every time when I start down the track of thinking them and replace them either with the opposite - some really positive, warm thoughts, or neutralise them with logic e.g. Whoah! stop thinking that, there's no truth in it and it's bonkers. Think about what to cook for dinner instead.