He wouldn't lend me his key! Massive row!

[Yellowbirdflies]

My husband is such hard work. We are in the process of separating and have just a few weeks to go for house sales to go through.
I'm so stressed at the moment with so many things going on...I'm not in great health since I had covid and have yet another chest infection.
There's a family bereavement with a funeral I'm helping to arrange.
The pressure of Christmas is looming and I'm trying to get over depression. Never mind buying a house.
Yes, he's upset too and says it's just me who wants to separate.
Well I've been waiting for him to change for years.
To treat me with respect.
I also have terrible anxiety.
He is aware of all this but still makes life difficult.
He has an explosive temper and I've put up with stuff that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, that's why I finally gathered the strength to go for this separation.
It's taken me years but I've had support from friends, Relate and Mumsnet. (I've posted on here many times before when really struggling).
Anyway we have supposed to have agreed to just try and get on these last few weeks before we finally separate.
So yesterday, when I was mad busy and stressed with all I was trying to do, and as I was leaving the house I couldn't find my house key.
I asked could I borrow his key and suggested I could leave it under the plant pot if he needed it later etc.
Guess what? He said no and proceeded to lecture me.
"He doesn't give his key to people who can't find theirs.
Who aren't organised!"
Just bloody unbelievable.
I told him that if it was the other way round, I would just say yes, without any hesitation.
And a row followed and I was so upset. I told him how yet again he had started a row out of nothing. He's so inflexible and I told him so.
And he slammed the front door on me as I left.
And now he's just done his usual "sorry about yesterday".
Well I've had enough and I've had this carry on for years and a lot more.
Been sworn at and getting scared with his temper as he bashes doors and says horrible things.
Would your partner lend you a key in such circumstances?
I want a man who says "No worries love, hear take mine.
I know you're busy and it's ok"
Wouldn't that be nice?

Yes my partner would lend me his key but this guy is not your partner now

If he gave you his key he literally couldn't get back in until you let him in

(Obviously he's an arsehole)

Yes and he's done it before many times.
I often regret asking him for help.
He can show kindness and is good at practical help but not always.
Usually he will say things like. "I have to think about it" or he just says no and then sometimes later changes his mind.
He is great at presenting all the reasons why we can't do something when all I want him to say is yes.
He makes me feel anxious and unsure of stuff and my decisions.

He makes me feel anxious and unsure of stuff and my decisions

I think his behaviour here shows you’ve made precisely the right decision to separate with him! Very best of luck to you

Thanks and I would let him back in or leave him the key outside.
I've just got to get through the next couple of months.

I guess it's just another line in the book about why your separating. Hang on in there it will come to an end and you can finally breath a sigh of relief.

Wow he sounds horrible. What a mean thing to do. Imagine being the kind of person who gets off on a power trip over someone who is feeling vulnerable and asking for help. Your new life will be so much better. When are you moving?

Thank you and I can't wait.
He's too strict and controlling and I'm on eggshells.
It seems to be all about power with him.
He's let me down.
I've asked him many times to change down the years and he's promised but it always continues.
It's so sad

Swanshaped
Thank you for saying this.
It always amazes me how others just say how awful, if you know whay I mean.
When I say other men are different he says to me "you don't know! Or who the f... are they?" Or "I don't care"
I'm moving end of Jan.

He sounds like a plonker but I don't get why you both did not decide if he is leaving he would leave his key under the mat for you. ie why you wanted to take his key and offered to leave it under the mat for him. What if he went out and came back before you did then he would be without a key. Or shut the door and then remembered he had forgotten something but couldn't get back in. It totally confused me why you had to have the key when it could have been left under the mat.

Sorry if I didn't explain properly.
He was going out and coming back later at as he was on a night out so I would have been able to let him in.
I also asked could we leave it under the plant pot, but he said no.
I suppose it's about the principle of how he often behaves.

I guess you are both still living together for now?

I wouldn't do anything at all for him ever again. Nothing.
I wouldn't even bother to speak to him either.
You'll never have to tiptoe around this arse again. Heck I wouldn't now. I'd tell him to fuck off and go off to my room and put on some music and headphones.

You don’t need to explain properly. The ins and outs of who was ‘right’ about the key is irrelevant. If it wasn’t the key it would be something else. It’s not about the key.

And just be careful, it’s likely to ramp up as you get nearer to moving out.

He is still trying to control you. Remove his control. As much as possible, don't let him see he's annoyed you. Maybe just sigh wearily, and tell him that he's just re-confirmed why you're leaving him. Then get on with your day.

I think you’ll find that you won’t lose your key so often once you don’t have the stress of living with him any more. You might find your anxiety improves too. Certainly, I did.
You’re nearly there. He’s just proving you’ve made the right decision.

Try and avoid needing anything from him. Every time he threatens to kick off, back away and say 'and this is why I'm leaving'.

He's not got your your back. He's the person your back needs guarding against!

Sounds like my ex-h, totally inflexible and controlling. Do your best to grey rock him and carry on as best you can; hopefully it won't be for much longer. He will never accept that he is wrong so don't give him the pleasure of seeing that you are upset.

I wouldn't leave a key laying around under plant pots or mats for security and I wouldn't hand over my key to an ex whilst splitting up in case I came back to find myself locked out and homeless.

Even the most reasonable person can be unreasonable sometimes and where the key is concerned, I do think your ex is got a point even if you don't like it.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I wouldn't leave a key laying around under plant pots or mats for security and I wouldn't hand over my key to an ex whilst splitting up in case I came back to find myself locked out and homeless.

Even the most reasonable person can be unreasonable sometimes and where the key is concerned, I do think your ex is got a point even if you don't like it.

I have to agree with this. I'd think it was a ploy to lock me out of the house.

If you posted on here, saying he'd asked for your key and said he'd let you in, you'd be told categorically not to lend it to him.

Your ex sounds like an arse, but I don't lend me key either (dp looses things all the time) , it's not about the key don't expect any support from him, you will just get let down. Well done on seperating

You are separating. He doesn't want to. You asked for his key.

If you read those sentences together you can see why he said no. To be honest, I would say no too.

Wow, I bet you are going to feel amazing once you finally separate and you don't have the stress of living with him a d walking on eggshells. Good luck.

You made the right decision to separate.

I would try and retrace your steps last time you had the key. Coat pockets, handbag, did you rush into loo when you came home last. Think how triumphant you will feel if you found it.

Have you started making a list of what you are taking? Photos, ornaments, clothes can you store some after Christmas with someone so it helps you in January?

I think you will find a lot of your anxiety goes as you pick up the pieces of your new life. Try new things a step at a time and you will build new confidence.
I hope it all goes well for you.