He wouldn't lend me his key! Massive row!

[Yellowbirdflies]

My husband is such hard work. We are in the process of separating and have just a few weeks to go for house sales to go through.
I'm so stressed at the moment with so many things going on...I'm not in great health since I had covid and have yet another chest infection.
There's a family bereavement with a funeral I'm helping to arrange.
The pressure of Christmas is looming and I'm trying to get over depression. Never mind buying a house.
Yes, he's upset too and says it's just me who wants to separate.
Well I've been waiting for him to change for years.
To treat me with respect.
I also have terrible anxiety.
He is aware of all this but still makes life difficult.
He has an explosive temper and I've put up with stuff that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, that's why I finally gathered the strength to go for this separation.
It's taken me years but I've had support from friends, Relate and Mumsnet. (I've posted on here many times before when really struggling).
Anyway we have supposed to have agreed to just try and get on these last few weeks before we finally separate.
So yesterday, when I was mad busy and stressed with all I was trying to do, and as I was leaving the house I couldn't find my house key.
I asked could I borrow his key and suggested I could leave it under the plant pot if he needed it later etc.
Guess what? He said no and proceeded to lecture me.
"He doesn't give his key to people who can't find theirs.
Who aren't organised!"
Just bloody unbelievable.
I told him that if it was the other way round, I would just say yes, without any hesitation.
And a row followed and I was so upset. I told him how yet again he had started a row out of nothing. He's so inflexible and I told him so.
And he slammed the front door on me as I left.
And now he's just done his usual "sorry about yesterday".
Well I've had enough and I've had this carry on for years and a lot more.
Been sworn at and getting scared with his temper as he bashes doors and says horrible things.
Would your partner lend you a key in such circumstances?
I want a man who says "No worries love, hear take mine.
I know you're busy and it's ok"
Wouldn't that be nice?

I also wouldn’t give you the last key to the house op. As others have said, you could lock him out, the house could be burgled leaving a key unattended and if you lost that one, you’d need a locksmith to break the lock. You expected his key and didn’t even have a decent and safe plan to return it. I get you’re stressed out but it sounds as if he doesn’t want to split so from his perspective, why would he help?

Thanks for your replies.
I'm sorry but I don't get the comments about not putting key under the mat and changing locks!?
I accept that some don't do leaving keys hidden and that's ok .
But he has been like this for years.
He's always taken this attitude.
I had to ask him as I would have been locked out!
He could have just given me the key as he was going out and coming back late as uve said.
So I told him this and that I could let him in.
As for changing locks I'm not like that at all and he knows it.
I wouldn't have even had time to do that!
It's about him being inflexible and difficult and insulting.
I just asked him again what did he expect me to do?
"He said get another key cut"
After ranting at me he went upstairs and somehow found a spare on and gave it to me.
I didn't even know it was there!
I found my own key in my pocket later and it's true that I'm so stressed I couldn't find it and I have other mishaps too.
It's about the way he treats me and makes me feel rubbish and useless.

@Yellowbirdflies

Thanks for your replies. I'm sorry but I don't get the comments about not putting key under the mat and changing locks!? I accept that some don't do leaving keys hidden and that's ok . But he has been like this for years. He's always taken this attitude. I had to ask him as I would have been locked out! He could have just given me the key as he was going out and coming back late as uve said. So I told him this and that I could let him in. As for changing locks I'm not like that at all and he knows it. I wouldn't have even had time to do that! It's about him being inflexible and difficult and insulting. I just asked him again what did he expect me to do? "He said get another key cut" After ranting at me he went upstairs and somehow found a spare on and gave it to me. I didn't even know it was there! I found my own key in my pocket later and it's true that I'm so stressed I couldn't find it and I have other mishaps too. It's about the way he treats me and makes me feel rubbish and useless.

Sweetie, old gimmer here. I've read all your posts and am feeling sad for you. I know its not much but please know there's a granny here sending love across the ether, and every best wish for a lovely peaceful future . Hang on in there x

Sounds like an awful situation but you have made the right decision. Try to avoid asking him for anything so he can't let you down again. Expect nothing and keep your head down.

I totally relate to being under stress and not being able to find something, only to find it in a sensible place once calm! Maybe list for yourself the key things that can cause trouble and be extra careful from now on. The front door key is a biggie, so keep a spare somewhere you won't forget, for example.

Thank you
I'm crying now.
I do have other posts under different names as well.

He's a controlling arsehole, and you're well rid. He's not your partner any longer.

Only a few more weeks to go!

Are you sure your key was really missing and he wasn't just messing with you?

He has obviously got a second key cut - I hope you were planning on changing the locks when he moves out.

Sorry you are so upset but you should have more than one key each i.e .have had spare keys cut. But I suppose your estate agent has a key too? You are focusing on your husband and how awful he is - get over it - you know what he is like but you will soon be free of all that so no point in dwelling on it..

I am with the posters who say they would not have given you the key either. I would have thought it might be a ploy to lock me out and wouldn’t be handing over my house keys in the scenario you are in, i.e. to somebody I am not in a relationship with and with whom things are somewhat acrimonious. When you think about it like that it would be stupid to do so. Why does he have to be the one without a key, hoping to find one under the plant pot. You lost your key, your problem.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I wouldn't leave a key laying around under plant pots or mats for security and I wouldn't hand over my key to an ex whilst splitting up in case I came back to find myself locked out and homeless.

Even the most reasonable person can be unreasonable sometimes and where the key is concerned, I do think your ex is got a point even if you don't like it.

Yeah, this. Especially with people on here screaming "lock him out and have the locks changed" every other day.

You're splitting up, and not particularly amicably from the sounds if it. So no, I wouldn't lend you my key. And I don't like leaving keys under pots, etc. I don't know anything about your relationship so I'm not on either side but in this situation, I would feel similarly to him.

He's not your partner he's your ex partner. Doesn't matter what anyone else's partner would do in this situation- your ex has acted exactly how u knew he would- hence you making the absolute correct decision to leave him.
As you move forward through this separation remove all ideas of how a decent person would behave and have no expectations at all of him .
Once u have that mind set you take away any disappointment on your side and its very liberating.
I've recently done this after 4 years of trying to co parent with my ex , and I'm no better off than before , but I've removed that sinking feeling of being let down on ds behalf .
Well done and good luck for your new future ! X

I am truly surprised by some of the responses!
Maybe some of you haven't read everything I wrote?
I've explained the context of the situation and the difficulties in the relationship, hence why I want to split.
It's not really about the key as someone said earlier.
It would have been me who was locked out as I was coming back soon.
He was going out before I would return so I needed a key otherwise I wouldn't be able to get into my house!
I said I would let him later that evening.
If he had asked me for my key I would have lent it to him.
Changing locks was never going to happen.
We have a few older children in house and all moving out soon.
He actually has his place set up now and goes back and forth but we agreed he will move out properly after Christmas.
I just want kindness and no arguments but he's not like that.
This is a man who has shouted and sworn at me down the years and emotionally abused me as well as other stuff.
I just needed a listening ear and some support when I was feeling down.

How does he know that it wouldn't happen? He apparently didn't think that you would end the marriage and force a house sale through, but you are. There is no way that when - for good reasons - you have done something that he didn't think was possible that he could blindly trust that he wasn't going to come back tonight to find himself locked out in the cold.

All the crying, other awful circumstances and posting under AEs makes absolutely no difference in this. I wouldn't expect my DP to do something like locking me out - but we're not splitting up to the best of my knowledge. If we were, all bets would be off.

It's not his job to facilitate you when you've not checked your pockets thoroughly. Not now.

You can't rely on him. Luckily for you freedom is around the corner.

But if he's got his own place set up now, why on earth are you carrying on until after Christmas? It's clearly not working, just tell him to go now.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this, it’s over so there’s no need to treat you this way.
It’s control, he’s desperately trying to control you as he knows it will be over soon.
Just hang on and count the days down, you’ve been very brave 💐

He’s not your partner. I wouldn’t expect my ex to do me a favour such as lending me a key.

@Yellowbirdflies

Just forget about the incident and move forwards.

This cements the fact that separation is the right step here.My best friend spent 8 long months living with a man who didn't want to separate and wouldn't move out;he made her life a living hell.

You're moving out next month;concentrate on that.

You should look at the grey rock technique for the time being in regards to interacting with him.

Your expectations for someone who has done nothing but hurt you too high. He is not your friend or your partner, not that he sounded particularly adept at either of those.

Your pissed off because he continually disappoints you. Expect nothing from him and you might find it easier when he proves you right. He's not going to change who he is because youve decided to split.

I had a row with my DH in summer about me giving him my key because he lost his, and we’re not separating. So I do understand (to some extent) the comment about why should he as you’ve been disorganised.
In my mind I just didn’t want to as it would stop me coming into my house and going as I wanted to and it felt like I couldn’t get into my own home if I wanted to. I’d also never want to leave it under a mat outside for security reasons.
Sorry you’re upset, but I can understand why he wouldn’t do this.

Very suspicious about the fact he had a spare key elsewhere - was he going to give you his back when moving out and keep the other?

On the rest, I agree with posters above - he is not your parter and not your friend. Don’t let him have the satisfaction of telling you “no” - just don’t ask him anything.

Are you sure he didn't take your key then replace it? My ex used to hide my keys and I've seen other posters say the same- particularly with controlling men.