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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling now he’s moved on

54 replies

Sweetielou · 11/12/2021 07:54

My husband and I separated in may , I asked him to go because I could not cope with him . He was an alcoholic and suffered with mental health and was also cutting his self (my life was so hard ) moving on he had been messaging me every day for 7 months begging me to take him back , only 3 weeks ago saying he loves me so much .

He went back on Facebook in September and it did bother me a bit because of what happened before (another story) . Any way he’s now met someone else and now telling me we were never good together and he just wants us to be friends. I don’t want to be with him but the thought of him with someone hurts a bit . He’s not drinking anymore and seems like his life is brilliant while I’m struggling x

OP posts:
fedup078 · 17/12/2021 11:39

Well bugger that then
You have no reason to keep in contact with him
Don't let him see the dog he will just use it as an excuse to get at you
Remove him from your life completely

Madickenxx · 17/12/2021 11:47

Blocking him is absolutely the right thing to do. I had to block my abusive drunk of an ex on absolutely everything during the divorce and talk only through my solicitor. The relief when I wasn't constantly on tenterhooks waiting for the next WhatsApp rant was immense! Not sure if you have children or not, but if not, really no reason to have any contact whatsoever. If he turns up at your home, simply phone the police. If you are not divorced yet I'd highly recommend you keep contact to a minimum during it and use email only for any must-have conversations relating to the divorce.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 17/12/2021 12:12

We have a son together, he is 23 and does not have a good relationship with his dad at all . My son has seen so much shit whilst growing up , when he used to crack open a can of beer at 9.30 my son just used to look at me and roll his eyes . One day we were arguing and my son was up in his bedroom and texted me saying I’m begging you mum please get him to move out 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 18/12/2021 18:30

Having a totally rubbish day today and keep bloody crying. I’ve just come home from work and packed everything that was still here . I wish I could pull myself together and feel a bit happier

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/12/2021 20:08

Your poor son.

What an awful childhood he has had.

Perhaps remind yourself of what your son has experienced and what he will remember of his childhood for the rest of his life, because of this lowlife.

Honeyroar · 18/12/2021 20:09

That’s good that you packed his stuff.

And keep your dog with you, it won’t be good for her going backwards and forward.

It will get better. It just takes time., Write yourself a list of everything you’ve gained - no abuse, your own space etc. Read it and congratulate yourself when you think you’re struggling?

Original poster
Sweetielou · 18/12/2021 20:57

I know I’m better off without him as he’s caused me so much grief.
I have 3 children from a previous marriage, he always had issues with them , on one occasion he had my son by the throat and the police were called and they had to pepper spray him to get him out the house and yes I still took him back , years later he went off with my sons girlfriend who was 17 years younger than him , that all went down hill and I took him back again . A few years after that and he got sectiond and ended up meeting someone in the hospital and was with her for a month , that ended and like a fool I took him back .
He used to get that drunk that he would wet the bed and call me all the names under the sun and treat me like crap . God only knows why I feel sad , I should be happy

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 18/12/2021 21:12

You should be happy. He sounds awful. You and your family deserve a future without him. They must be scared stiff that you’ll take him back again. You’re not missing him, you’ve just got to find your feet. You will.

gofigureit · 18/12/2021 21:33

Jeez.
Honestly please find the strength to close the door on this guy forever.

You need help to get over the fact you've been in a horrific relationship for so long, have you got support in real life?

Inthesameboatatmo · 19/12/2021 06:02

You will have low days op it's completely normal. Just block him on everything and the relief after will be great ,you've got this ok, head held high and move forward.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 19/12/2021 06:02

I do have my family and friends who are really supportive. I’m waiting for my gp to refer me to talking therapies. I just think he’s happy now and treated me so bad which makes me think was it my fault he treated me so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 29/12/2021 17:15

Well i really thought I was going to struggle at Christmas but actually it was nice and chilled without his normal Christmas shit . His dad came to drop off Christmas presents and I thought after 25 years of putting up with there son at least a box of chocolates would have been nice …. No not even a card . I thought I would be a better person and gave them a nice bottle of gin , oh well it shows what they are like . Had 3 bags of his shit that his dad took , don’t think he was to happy about it . Been on line today and had his mail redirected to his parents house ( he has debt letters come here and asked me not to redirect it ) tough I have done it and feel better . Still getting threats about him coming round and getting the dog but he’s not done it yet. Sometimes I still feel a bit sad but definitely feeling better than I did 😄

OP posts:
WhenwillIlearntoadult · 30/12/2021 15:13

Keep ignoring him. You can do it!
I understand how you feel. Am in a similar situation, mine left (by my force), 9 months ago and has had 2 girlfriends at least since then. I am certain he too is rewriting history. He’s an alcoholic who wouldn’t let me separate from him but since leaving is able to have a drink again (just a small can of beer, so he said! 😂). It cuts me up to think I am struggling to make sense of everything that happened in our relationship and he’s already had 2 other women. Reading some of the replies here have been useful to me, too.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 30/12/2021 18:42

Thank you for your reply. It’s crazy how we feel sad and they just move on and be happy. I did go on a date but when I got home I got upset because in my heart I’m no where near ready to see or meet anyone. He says he’s not touched a drink but I’m not convinced. Bloody men !!xx

OP posts:
KissedintheDark · 30/12/2021 19:04

You're doing really well, op.
Nothing wrong with going on a date and enjoying someone's company.
Tell potential dates it's still new to you and the good ones will understand.
[flower]

Original poster
Sweetielou · 30/12/2021 19:08

I feel like I’m doing ok but my anxiety is my biggest problem. I worry about going to the shop in case I bump into him and his new partner. I think once I see him with her I will probably have a complete wobble but it will be the worst bit out the way xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 17/01/2022 17:38

Well things haven’t really improved with the situation and my anxiety is still bad , my ex has been calling my brother over the last few days saying it will be easier for his depression if he ended his life . He’s been crying and saying he can not cope with not seeing the dogs . I’m fed up with the whole situation and it’s like never going to stop unless I give in with the dogs

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 17/01/2022 17:44

My exdh literally was crawling on the floor asking for a second chance , a few weeks later he was with someone else.
Be happy that he is not your problem anyone , and you are not beholden to him in anyway.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 17/01/2022 17:52

He’s actually with someone else which I’ve now got my head around . It’s just he’s obsessed about having the dogs . When I said he could have them a few days after Boxing Day he told me I was f…ing sick in the head spiteful bitch so that’s when I said for now he’s not having them .

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 17/01/2022 18:06

Your brother must call the police or emergency services and report him as a danger to himself. He is not your responsibility and you can't do anything to help him.

Have you blocked him? Your brother should also block him.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 17/01/2022 18:11

I don’t have any contact with him but do not want to be held responsible if he did anything. My brother did block him but he sent him a message on WhatsApp as he wasn’t blocked on there . I just want my life to be normal again

OP posts:
fedup078 · 18/01/2022 08:57

Don't give in they are not his dogs and id put money on it that he doesn't actually give a flying shit about the dogs but that they are the only thing he can think of to use to get at you

Original poster
Sweetielou · 07/02/2022 08:00

I have been doing well (I think ) but still have bad days . He’s still with the other woman and I had a message off his sister on Monday asking me to stop messaging him because it’s not good for his mental health and she doesn’t want a dead brother. I never message him he messages me saying he’s going to kill him self , had a message of his girlfriend on Facebook on Friday to say he wants the rest of his stuff . I’m furious as she Does not even know me and should not be getting involved 😡😡

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 07/02/2022 11:58

Block them. You have no reason at all to still be in touch. Damn him about the dogs. Block all of them and your life will be immensely peaceful. Have some balls, this once stand up to him and block this dickhead once and for from your life. He's already taken so much from you and you've let him by keeping going back. He probably still thinks you've got door waiting for him if he pushes enough. Just Block otherwise it may appear you enjoy the drama. I'm not trying to be harsh but this is literally all you have to do. He won't come around. Just pull the sticking plaster off. Remember how you felt at Christmas! That peace. Give yourself that gift now.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 07/02/2022 12:04

@Opaljewel

Block them. You have no reason at all to still be in touch. Damn him about the dogs. Block all of them and your life will be immensely peaceful. Have some balls, this once stand up to him and block this dickhead once and for from your life. He's already taken so much from you and you've let him by keeping going back. He probably still thinks you've got door waiting for him if he pushes enough. Just Block otherwise it may appear you enjoy the drama. I'm not trying to be harsh but this is literally all you have to do. He won't come around. Just pull the sticking plaster off. Remember how you felt at Christmas! That peace. Give yourself that gift now.
This. Do this, OP. And have your family members block all of them, too. Complete clean break. Be done with this.

You cannot continue to live like this.

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