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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can someone tell me WHY people cheat?

46 replies

DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 11:50

I shouldn't have snooped but I did and I found messages he has been sending to the OW. It has made me sick to my stomach. What I think has annoyed me, even more, is that she wasn't reciprocating the same energy and told him what he is doing is wrong and that he needs to leave her alone and "forget about her". He said he cant and had only messaged to see if she was okay but can't help himself when speaking to her.

I am so angry, he was telling her he's sorry, regretful. He was complimenting her, asking how her family had been, he even sent her a video of the two of them being intimate and asked if she missed this. I couldn't watch, I didn't know he had stuff like that. She finally responded and told him to stop or she would reach out to me. He told her to "stop being like this" and she never responded. The last message he sent was "maybe one-day things will be better".

He told me he NEVER loved her and it was just sex and that he is in love with me, so why is he pinning for this woman???? we have only been back together for 6months.

I've come back to my mum's but out of pure embarrassment, I cant muster the courage to tell her what's happened. Luckily we arent married and no children are involved, i just love him so much.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 10/12/2021 11:55

Because they are bastards, @DJsavemylife.

Because they can't believe that they aren't god's gift

Because they think with their dicks

etc

Sorry you are going through this.

GotBeatenUp · 10/12/2021 11:57

You don't love him @DJsavemylife, you love who you think he is.
They are not the same.

GotBeatenUp · 10/12/2021 12:00

Don't do the 'pick me dance'. He is not worth it.

He will probably try to reel you back in when OW makes it clear she's not interested.

Cut your losses and block him.

Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:02

@allGotBeatenUp thank you for your comments, it's exhausting. I thought we were getting better but he was telling her he has "ups and downs" and was making it seem like his life has been hell since she hasn't been around. I hate him so much right now!

OP posts:
Wombat69 · 10/12/2021 12:03

Sounds like he's stalking her, tbh.

Excitement, boredom, novelty, whatever the reason is doesn't matter.

Tell your mum, shine some light into the dark places.

In time to come, you'll look back and see you've escaped someone who sounds quite dangerous.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 10/12/2021 12:05

Have penis will poke

SameToo · 10/12/2021 12:06

Sorry but you’re wasting your time with him. Get rid.

Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:06

@Wombat69 it is like she has some hold over him. She is very attractive and his type to a T but he has said countless times he doesn't care or "love" her in that way and I believed him.

After getting it out on here I feel better but my chest feels empty. I will speak to my mum, i just feel embarrassed that this has happened to me again x

OP posts:
Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:09

I know, I know it's over. I'm just shocked. Back together 6months and he's fucked it up again. For good this time.

OP posts:
Doona · 10/12/2021 12:11

Don't be embarrassed! You entered the relationship in good faith. That's all anyone can do.

theelephantinthegroup · 10/12/2021 12:12

@GotBeatenUp

You don't love him *@DJsavemylife*, you love who you think he is. They are not the same.
This- with bells on.

I think the cheating is all down to ego/power. I doubt he gives much thought to you or the OW (other than how you make HIM feel). The initial cheating would have been an ego boost/power trip (with extra power boost from, presumably, getting away with it at first), another power trip when he persuaded you to give him another chance. He's now looking for another boost from persuading OW to rekindle things (despite presumably having told her it's over when he went back to you). Sending her the video may even be a thinly veiled threat (reminder that he has images she won't want to be shared more widely).

It is definitely NOT about you or how you compare to OW. I doubt this will be the last time he behaves like this. All you can do it walk away and make sure you're not part of his ego games.

So sorry this is happening to you

Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:18

@theelephantinthegroup Oh thank you, I really appreciate that so much. He said he was happy, why would he throw that all away.

What is even worse for me is it was her who finished with him because she found out about ME, can you believe that. I took him back because he said it was a huge mistake, 6 months later he's risking it all again. I hate him and her.

OP posts:
DerbyshireMama · 10/12/2021 12:18

Ultimately, because their needs come above all else. They want to do it, probably for the buzz or their ego. They think they're clever enough to get away with it and if you DO find out, your heartbreak is just a blip in the road.

IMO cheating is a form of abuse and probably 90% of cheaters are somewhere on the narcissist or sociopath spectrum. How else can you explain such a lack of empathy? It isn't just the act of infidelity itself, it's everything else it says about a person and how they view themselves and the world around them.

Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:21

@allDerbyshireMama Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. He definitely has narcissist tendencies without a doubt so I can see this.

It is a disgusting thing to do to someone, I will never understand it.

OP posts:
Delphinna · 10/12/2021 12:21

People cheat because they don’t love you but for whatever reason it’s too much hassle to get rid of you. Maybe because you’re married and he doesn’t want to lose the house, or you have kids and he doesn’t want to lose them, or you have shared friends and he doesn’t want to fuck that up, or it’s inconvenient to move out, or the other person isn’t a reliable prospect so they cling to you because they don’t want to be alone. Whatever - the reason is always because they want someone else but it’s too much hassle to leave you.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 10/12/2021 12:23

He's stopped valuing you for whatever reason. Please don't waste your life on someone who doesn't return your level of love and commitment.

Original poster
DJsavemylife · 10/12/2021 12:24

Everyone has always told me he is with me because I am his "safety blanket" that's why he won't leave. I am so over it. What is wrong with me.

OP posts:
squee123 · 10/12/2021 12:24

Because he was attracted to her and his feelings for you weren't enough to stop him acting on that. He's not brave enough to walk away from his life with you, but equally he's not committed to your life together.

You don't love him, you love the idea of him, which is nothing like the reality.

He will do this again. End things and walk away with your head held high.

Anordinarymum · 10/12/2021 12:27

I do not know why people cheat, but I do know why they continue to do so after they have been found out.

They got away with it first time round. They lied. They have no respect for you and the fact that they cheated again after they said it was over shows contempt.
Walk away from this waste of your time and emotions. He is a lost cause and no good.

Anordinarymum · 10/12/2021 12:28

You are not his mother are you OP?

Safety blanket for God's sake. What an insult

MMmomDD · 10/12/2021 12:29

I think people throw around words ‘just sex’ with ease and discount the meaning.
Just sex for some can have a lot of draw. And for some can be quite powerful.

Why do people cheat is a question with lots of different answers. None of which are helpful for you.
In general I’d not trust the words of someone who ended up with me by default, because his other option is not available.
So - whatever he said about you, her, how he feels - all of it was to manage you all. And to give him what he wants.

You aren’t married and there are no kids. Count your blessings and with a bit of time you’ll heal. And hopefully meet someone who would want you for you.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/12/2021 12:29

When someone cheats and you take them back it does give a message that they can treat you badly and you will accept it. Not a popular opinion but you really need to do all your talking with your feet here. Walk away.

Tee20x · 10/12/2021 12:31

God how awful for you to have to go through this. Weirdly I think I would feel better (if you even can in this situation) if the feelings were reciprocated. But to see someone cheat and the other person actually being the one batting him away is just awful, embarrassing and pathetic.

He is willing to risk your relationship for someone who seems to be done with him? Yikes.

Get rid of him now!!! Thank goodness you've no significant ties to him other than your feelings. What a pathetic man.

larkle · 10/12/2021 12:32

There are a number of studies that show younger women are in fact more likely to cheat than www.washingtontimes.com/news/2018/jan/11/millennial-women-have-higher-rates-infidelity-mill/

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 12:35

He sounds like a spoilt brat who doesn't like accepting the word no.
He won't change op.

But you can. Pull up those big girl pants and tell him to do one.