can someone tell me WHY people cheat?

[DJsavemylife]

I shouldn't have snooped but I did and I found messages he has been sending to the OW. It has made me sick to my stomach. What I think has annoyed me, even more, is that she wasn't reciprocating the same energy and told him what he is doing is wrong and that he needs to leave her alone and "forget about her". He said he cant and had only messaged to see if she was okay but can't help himself when speaking to her.

I am so angry, he was telling her he's sorry, regretful. He was complimenting her, asking how her family had been, he even sent her a video of the two of them being intimate and asked if she missed this. I couldn't watch, I didn't know he had stuff like that. She finally responded and told him to stop or she would reach out to me. He told her to "stop being like this" and she never responded. The last message he sent was "maybe one-day things will be better".

He told me he NEVER loved her and it was just sex and that he is in love with me, so why is he pinning for this woman???? we have only been back together for 6months.

I've come back to my mum's but out of pure embarrassment, I cant muster the courage to tell her what's happened. Luckily we arent married and no children are involved, i just love him so much.

I cheated on an ex because I didn't find him attractive and never did. I was in a low point in life when I met him and he could be very manipulative and emotionally draining. He made my life hell. I had a night of sex with another ex from before him. I'm married now and can say with 100% certainty I would not cheat on my husband as I love him and I have what was missing with my ex. So there are reasons beyond people being bastards, but some people will be.

She doesn't have a hold on him.

Listen to what he's doing and saying to her...it's his choice to continue to pursue her.

It's hassle to split up, easier to have your cake, etc.

Tell your Mum. The shame is his, not yours. And it helps to say it out loud.

He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught.

Walk away with your head held high. He'll do it to the next woman...... and the next. You're worth more

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but in this case it sounds like he's just an entitled prick that believes he can get away with it. Some people are just like that - what they want is the only thing that matters, no matter how much pain and devastation it causes to those around them.

Can I suggest you look at the freedom program and read lundy bancrofts 'why does he do that'? There are so many bad behaviours from him here, both toward you and OW that I suspect he's ground down your boundaries til you can't see just how awful he is.

Ultimately this isn't your fault, there is nothing you could have done to stop him behaving this way. He'd have done exactly the same to OW in time, and she knows it, which is why she's binned him off. Dickheads gonna be dickheads, however good you are to them.

Please dont waste anymore time on him. Tell your Mum and summon up the strength to end it anytime you waver watch the video again. He doesn't love you.

Because being with one person gets boring. You don't drive the same car all your life, even if you love it.

Life is about fun and experiences - we are only here for a short time and you need to make the best of it.

Would be good to have that conversation and approach with your partner but in reality that tends not to work.

And people want to feel wanted and sexy and love the thrill of another person.

It's not that hard to understand I don't think.

Because the emotion that is lust is an order of magnitude more powerful than love.
Adults need to be adults and recognise every one has crushes from time to time. It's a matter of cutting contract and extricating themselves. Rather than feeding the fire.

In my experience, the main reasons why women cheat are a lack of love, attention, affection etc from their partner. They grow apart over time, they no longer attracted to their partners and when someone turns their head and pays attention to them, they cheat.

The main reasons why men cheat are lack of sex in their relationships. For many men celibacy is simply not an option and if they can’t get sex at home they will get it elsewhere. Also, some men have regrets if they married their first girlfriend. They feel they missed out on a normal and important part of being young, and the desire to discover what they missed eventually causes them to cheat.

Okie dokie so my ex HB kindly cheated on me after the death of our much loved baby and decided to tell me while I was pregnant with our DD.

I think he thought I wouldn't leave him when prego but he went in the bin.

He blamed the loss of our child, but had actually been doing it way before then I later found out 😩. I was so ashamed, people's comments weren't helpful making excuses.

However my ex is also on the spectrum a tad so this makes him Uber Uber honest and now we are in a good place he's been really straight down the line with me. He said he was bored, he lacks self worth and needed validation from others to remind him he still "had it". He spoke so much about himself I realised something, it was never about me or the OW. It was about him being fundamentally damaged in the head.

We coparent now and are friends. I hold no Ill will towards him or the OW (even though she hates me) because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

Sounds like the OW told him to bugger off. And he was chasing her and that to me screams I need validation from multiple sources.

I can't tell you what to do but I can say this. This wasn't about you, it was about him. It wasn't about her either.

You didn't do anything wrong, don't be ashamed for the bad parts of someone else. Also don't take him back, my ex begged and still begs me back every now and then and I'm happily remarried with baby on the way. It's satisfying to hear he regrets it and made the biggest mistake ever but it's more satisfying to be happy.

And I can say this without him I am happier.

I think with my ex-wife it simply boiled down to...

Because she wanted to.

Sounds to me like he has actually fallen hard for this woman. Which will be nothing to do with you or anything you're lacking, but to do with something he sees in her. This doesn't make her better than you, its just one of those things. People want what they want. Who knows why? When she rejected him he didn't want to lose everything so lied to keep you. If she had wanted him I doubt he would have stayed. While you must be feeling awful given what you've discovered, its for the best as otherwise you would have continued under the false impression he had chosen his marriage when in truth, his betrayal of your relationship ran deeper than that. I'm sorry OP and hope you get through this and move on to the life you deserve.

Two reasons: greed and attention. Sometimes one or the other and sometimes both.

Both greed and the need for attention result from flaws in the make-up of the cheater.

It's not a reflection on you @DJsavemylife. The OW isn't 'better' than you, it's the thrill of the chase.
He'll be like a shark smelling blood and he will chase and chase and chase.

Leave him to it and one day you'll look back and be glad you are well rid

Walk away you're better than this. I have a friend who is cheated on repeatedly by her husband. Each time he's caught out she doesn't want anyone else finding out because she feels embarrassed, so there's never much support around her. They're all about image. Her self confidence is knocked to pieces. I wish she knew her value.

Because they can and they have no respect for their partner. Also if you take a cheater back you are giving them the message that they can get away with it. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Why do cheaters cheat? Because they can, they want to, they enjoy it.

You sound like a really good person @DJsavemylife. As a good person, you will never understand why he has done what he has. Good people find it difficult to understand the actions of Shite Bags.

You gave it your best shot. You gave him a second chance. He has proven to be unworthy. Walk away, head held high. Tell your mum.

I've been mulling it over for a few days as this is a triggering time of year for me. I think some of the cheating is because of low self esteem. They just need more lift so to speak to keep them afloat. Also some of it I'm sure, is a form of escapism from the mundane part of life. The damage done with it is horrible. I'm sorry you've been so badly hurt OP. I hope that the hurt leads you on to a happier path.

I'm so sorry @candlelightsatdawn. Prayers.

I think @ThackeryBinks makes an important point as does @Libertaire. I think a certain amount of it is people looking for excitement and that butterflies buzz when life goes through a mundane point or they need a distraction from other shit going on in life — I think many people need constantly to feel ‘adored’ and if that isn’t happening their heads are easily turned and I think for some people they can’t resist that ego boost of an attractive person fancying them and some people need constantly (of whatever age) to feel they can still ‘pull’ . I do think women’s reasons tend to usually steer more towards not being happy on an emotional level and men ‘tend’ to be more opportunistic and ego driven and not necessarily unhappy either.

He is not who you thought he was.
You are ''in love'' with a phantom.

Men and women cheat because the can and because they want to. People who are unfaithful to you are not worth a moment of your time. Move on.

From the mouth of a cheater ( not me )

they "deserve " it
they become addicted
life is short
sex with partner is not all that
they want to feel "wanted"