Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do. It's eating me up

36 replies

iloverock · 09/12/2021 16:15

Been in relationship for 3 years, we were friends before. No kids together and we don't live together. I've had some pretty shit relationships in the past and have a hard time judging things.

We get on well, he's a good friend, he would do anything for me, has helped with house maintenance stuff, we laugh, he's a kind man, sex is fine.

We have had a few issues of jealousy and stupid stuff when he's had too much to drink. He's apologised and now is very careful about how much he drinks. I came very close to ending it after the last incident.

And here comes the but. I spend most of my time thinking about whether we should be together. I'm not convinced I love him, he's convenient and I enjoy his company. Is that enough? Should I be content with that? You read all these threads about men that are abusive and violent or cheating. What if I walk away from a good man.

Some of my friends can't stand him and think I could do better. Some of my friends like him.

I went away a few months ago for long weekend and barely gave him a thought. I didn't miss him.

My head is all over the place. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2021 17:12

If you spend most of your time thinking about whether you want to be with him or not.......................... you don't want to be with him ...........imo.

GoodnightGrandma · 09/12/2021 17:13

Sounds like it’s time to move on.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2021 17:15

You do know what to do.
You're just scared of doing it.

Dacquoise · 09/12/2021 17:23

When it's right, it's right and I say that as someone who settled for my exH. It didn't feel right at the time but I ignored that for all the reasons you have given. The marriage was miserable and lonely.

Current DP felt 'right ' when I met him. We have lots in common, similar values and sense of humour. We're compatible. So far removed from my exH.

Nomorepinkcurtains · 09/12/2021 17:29

Would you be happy if this was happening to your brother? Everyone deserves to be The One, not the The Better than No One.

Be nice, move on, let him find someone who loves him totally.

Funnylittlefloozie · 09/12/2021 17:44

Stupid stuff? Incidents? Are you trying to say "shouting / pushing /hitting" without actually saying the words? Why can some of your friends not stand him?

Look, if the relationship makes you happy, and adds to your life, keep it going. If it detracts from your life and doesn't really make you happier, end it.

Original poster
iloverock · 09/12/2021 17:54

@Funnylittlefloozie no violence at all. He's gentle. The incidents were him sulking one night when we were in same venue and I was dancing. Another was talking about a conversation that he knows generally upsets me and he didn't stop. In front of someone I can't stand.

OP posts:
runningwithscissorsx · 09/12/2021 17:54

I've had this situation... if it's even a question in your head, you probably shouldn't be.

I was like this for a few years, and even though I loved him... I knew deep down he didn't love me. So I ended it.

Original poster
iloverock · 09/12/2021 17:55

My friends believe I can do better. He irritates them.

It's not a bad relationship it's safe.

Is safe enough?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 17:58

If someone said to you that you would spend the next 30 years with him, would you feel happy and excited about it? Or feel meh? Or feel deflated? What's your honest gut reaction?

Etinoxaurus · 09/12/2021 18:01

Poor bloke. Throw him back in.

Original poster
iloverock · 09/12/2021 18:02

He's 10 years older than me. I'd be worried I'll have to look after him.
Next 30 years. It would be companionship/friendship I think.
Is that not enough ?
I'm 45

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 18:03

I think it's time for you to move on. And yes, he's 10 years older and the next couple of decades will make a huge difference if you do stick together.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 18:05

@iloverock

He's 10 years older than me. I'd be worried I'll have to look after him. Next 30 years. It would be companionship/friendship I think. Is that not enough ? I'm 45
Well that's for you to decide really!

It wouldn't be 'enough' for me, but would be for others I guess.

That's why I asked your gut reaction - which sounds like at best is 'meh' and at worst is dread.

Not positive, genuinely excited to have a shared future, seeing him as your favourite person etc.

I think put him out of his misery and also give yourself the chance to meet someone you are sure of.

Baconking · 09/12/2021 18:10

I think he will start to annoy you as the years go by.

Would you rather be safe with him than alone?

scarpa · 09/12/2021 18:10

@iloverock

My friends believe I can do better. He irritates them.

It's not a bad relationship it's safe.

Is safe enough?

Whyy does he irritate them? Are they justified or are they being mean?
LaBellaTrix · 09/12/2021 18:12

Life's too short - dump him and find someone who makes your heart sing.

Original poster
iloverock · 09/12/2021 18:14

@scarpa he can be annoying at times. They wouldn't be friends, his politics don't align with theirs.
But then I don't necessarily like my friends partners

OP posts:
thefourgp · 09/12/2021 18:16

Trust your friends opinions and end the relationship. You’ve indicated multiple friends don’t like him. There’s probably good reason for that. If you’re constantly questioning it, that’s because you know yourself he’s not the one for you.

Joy69 · 09/12/2021 19:15

Finish it. I was in your position a few weeks ago. Kept questioning what I should do. He was also a lovely guy, but it wasn't right. I didn't feel upset after, & the next day felt great. Haven't missed him since. I didn't realise how much it had effected my mood. Nothing to say you can't stay friends.

scarpa · 09/12/2021 20:35

[quote iloverock]@scarpa he can be annoying at times. They wouldn't be friends, his politics don't align with theirs.
But then I don't necessarily like my friends partners [/quote]
Are your friends not just being rude, then? I'm not super keen on my closest friend's husband, we wouldn't be friends if it were for her, but I wouldn't be saying she could do better!

It's hard to tell here if you have rude friends or can't see something they're trying to tell you, if you get me?

Regardless though - only you can decide. Maybe you aren't happy ans I think it's definitely worth digging deeper into this - thinking about life with him forever, what you would say was missing, whether there are changes you'd make and what they are
.. but have you considered that it's a form of anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is a thing that can really make you question stuff - we're so conditioned to expect Disneyfied sparks and joy constantly and sometimes safe, calm, steady times feel boring or wrong as a result. I've recommended it before on here but look up @anxiouslovecoach on Instagram or Tiktok (and I believe they have a podcast). Really interesting perspectives on exactly this feeling. Obviously not trying to discount that you may just have run your course but it's worth looking if any of this resonates first!

sassbott · 09/12/2021 21:40

The fact that you are spending this much time questioning it? Tells me something is amiss.

Based on your posts (and please feel free if I have read any of this wrong). I think your head is saying ‘he is xyz - nice, kind, good enough’. You’re 45, so based on my dating experiences, choices are not vast out there and there are a LOT of frogs.
But your heart (or your gut, or your vagina) is saying. Sorry it doesn’t do it for me.

You have a fundamental disjoint internally that I would advise you try and figure out. Then this is a really personal decision that only you can make.

If it helps. I’m mid forties and this year broke off a mid term relationship. We had slightly more complications (exes, children) but I found myself (towards the end) fundamentally questioning what I was doing with him. After lots of unpicking I realised that a part of me was trying to rationalise staying with him, out of fear of being alone/ fear of not meeting anyone else. Because it is tough at this age. A lot of people are damaged and dating is not for the faint hearted.

So I tried to make it ‘good enough’. And I stayed in it probably 12-18 months longer than I should have done (Covid didn’t help).

Eventually I put my big girl pants on and realised that I was only mid 40’s. Hopefully there are many more years ahead of me. I may not meet anyone again. But the whole time I stayed in that relationship because I was too scared, my chances of meeting someone whom I knew was right for me, was zero. (I’m not someone who cheats either, so I can’t be with someone whilst simultaneously warming up a replacement).

So I asked myself. Is this good enough? Is this relationship ever really going to meet my needs? (Honest answers were no).
So my choices were, I end it. And my chances of meeting someone who can meet my needs go to 100%. Vs 0% if I stayed as I was.

I ended it. I don’t regret it. It is tough being single again and I’m actually working with a counsellor trying to unpick why I settled / compromised to such a large extent.

A part of it for me is lower self esteem (my divorce). A part of it is a cultural / societal - a notion that being a team is more acceptable. A part of it is just that I really would like to share my life with someone and have ‘that’ bond. And a part is huge fear that I may never meet anyone again and be alone for the rest of my life.

There are no guarantees. But I’m happy with my choice. And I won’t go back. He wasn’t right for me and vice versa.

sassbott · 09/12/2021 21:44

I will also say however that a friend of mine has ‘settled’ and will tell her closest friends she has done so. She’s early 50’s, met someone who was financially stable and adores her. She’s very fond of him, he makes her laugh and is quite grounded. But there’s no fireworks (for her) and she doesn’t fancy him loads. But she’s happy enough and for her, that’s good enough.

Horses for courses. It’s a really personal choice .

madisonbridges · 09/12/2021 21:50

He sounds like a really good guy actually - just not for you. Sorry, it wouldn't be fair on him.

beccahamlet · 09/12/2021 22:13

It's not up to your friends. It's up to you.
Very old bit of advice I heard about whether you should marry a man. Don't ask yourself if you could live with him. Ask yourself if you could live without him.
Personally I would never settle for someone I could just put up with. But we're all different aren't we ( thank goodness!)