Don't know what to do. It's eating me up

[iloverock]

Been in relationship for 3 years, we were friends before. No kids together and we don't live together. I've had some pretty shit relationships in the past and have a hard time judging things.

We get on well, he's a good friend, he would do anything for me, has helped with house maintenance stuff, we laugh, he's a kind man, sex is fine.

We have had a few issues of jealousy and stupid stuff when he's had too much to drink. He's apologised and now is very careful about how much he drinks. I came very close to ending it after the last incident.

And here comes the but. I spend most of my time thinking about whether we should be together. I'm not convinced I love him, he's convenient and I enjoy his company. Is that enough? Should I be content with that? You read all these threads about men that are abusive and violent or cheating. What if I walk away from a good man.

Some of my friends can't stand him and think I could do better. Some of my friends like him.

I went away a few months ago for long weekend and barely gave him a thought. I didn't miss him.

My head is all over the place. I don't know what to do.

@sassbott everything you have said rings so many bells

This is a good guy, I picture ending things and the hurt it will cause him (he is a friend and has been for many years) but ultimately I don't think I should be constantly thinking about whether he is right for me

But then I have to ask myself whether anyone would ever be right for me. He dotes on me, he is supportive, he helps me. He does everything right. So why is it not ticking all my boxes. I can't square in my head.

And yes everyone is right he deserves someone that loves him as much as he loves me. I want to love him like that.

@iloverock thats the work I suggest you unpick.

As I said, you’re rationalising this (brain) is saying ‘he’s lovely! Look at all the nice stuff he does. Are you mad??’. And another part of you is saying ‘this isn’t good enough.’

It’s a personal choice, you can stay and try and make it work. Given more time you may find it naturally go one way or another. It did for me - I reached a point where I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. You may go the other way.

I have a question. You say you spend your time thinking about whether this is right for you. And when he went away you didn’t miss him (which is quite normal I will add if a partner goes away for a weekend). Put to one side the pain you think you are going to cause him.

What would your life look like/ feel like, without him in it as your intimate partner?

I think my life would be pretty much the same minus sex and having someone to do stuff with.

But I have loads of friends some single, some not. I have a hobby and I work full time.

It's that sharing the details of your day that would change.

Ok. So imagine he’s gone. You’ve ended it. What does your day to day look like? What about HIM and you as a couple do you miss?

I personally have people I can (and did) talk to about my day in tandem with my ex. That part didn’t change much for me, but that’s probably because towards the end there wasn’t a huge degree of intimacy left.

If I’m honest, the bit that is annoying is two fold.

1. lack of sex (which can be sorted easily enough tbh I just am not motivated to).
2. knowing I am single and having that spot to fill (or not fill). Dating is hard work. Figuring out is someone trust worthy, aren’t they? Etc etc. It’s a ballache.

But. I still know I did the right thing. I am dating (and having fun with it). I am gradually getting back to a place where I think one day I’ll be open to letting someone back in/ trusting them. I unequivocally know I did the right thing to let it go and get back out there. Personally I don’t want to settle. That may change over time, but for now? No.

You have so many doubts, he's older, he's okay but nothing special, he can be annoying, some of your friends can't stand him and think you can do better. FGS, let him go! You don't sound like you really care about him at all - and that's okay - but you both deserve better.

If I didn't care about him it would be an easy decision to make.

It sounds like you’ve got ‘the ick’ sorry.

I think the fact your even questioning it gives you your answer. Dont lead him on, you need to tell him how you feel. He deserves the truth

@iloverock

I think my life would be pretty much the same minus sex and having someone to do stuff with.

But I have loads of friends some single, some not. I have a hobby and I work full time.

It's that sharing the details of your day that would change.

Out of interest Op, do you have children, at all or from a previous relationship, or did you want children with your (now) partner?

I have teenagers and definitely dont want anymore.

Sounds like he isn't for you. You are being unfair keeping hold of him and chances are you will have to move on at some point, it's just not enough for you and that's ok.