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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Nice stories of someone coming back after they left you….

40 replies

PandaGate · 09/12/2021 15:44

I know, I know. Probably clutching at straws. I met someone great and it ended in a strange way…said he couldn’t cope with a relationship and work stress and family stress. He said he wasn’t sure if it was right to end it but he did so I left. We were together a year.

I decided not to contact him. It’s been a few weeks and I’ve not heard from him. I don’t think I will but I've been dating and nobody matches up to him. Maybe I am deluded but I don’t think he will find someone to share what we had..he’d been single a long time before me and said I was the best relationship he’d ever had.

Guess I just want to hear of the nice stories of someone coming back…

OP posts:

Huckleberries73 · 09/12/2021 15:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Suprima · 09/12/2021 15:50

Oh god WHY

pick yourself up off the floor and stop begging for scraps. If he liked you, he’d be with you- no matter what! The work and stress excuse comes when the fun is over for him.

Move on with your life

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2021 15:51

Why are your boundaries this low in relationships?.

Love your own self for a change and do not put this man furthermore on some sort of pedestool. He and you have not worked out because of his baggage relating to work and family stresses. Let him go and stop pining for someone who is not honest and is also not worthy of you.

PollyGray · 09/12/2021 15:52

Maybe it's a bit soon to be dating again, if you're not over this guy you're likely to keep comparing them to him and that makes it all a bit more difficult than it needs to be. Give yourself time to get over it fully.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 09/12/2021 15:54

Your ideal man is flakey, unreliable and can't handle stress?

PollyGray · 09/12/2021 15:55

I agree with Attila actually.
It probably wasn't work and family stress; I think he wanted out but making excuses has allowed you to hope that things might ease up for him and he'll be back. But then, he's not worth having in those circumstances, is he?

MMMarmite · 09/12/2021 15:55

I told my ex I'd love to try again, and he came back. Unfortunately it all feel apart again several months later. If you do this, really think through the causes of the problem, and what you can both do to prevent it ever happening again - otherwise you just have all the same issues but less trust than the first time round.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 15:57

Even if he came back you'd constantly be on edge wondering when he's going to leave again.

GiltEdges · 09/12/2021 15:58

said he couldn’t cope with a relationship and work stress and family stress

This is almost always an excuse. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. If for no other reason than it's nice to have the support of someone who cares about you when you're going through other difficulties.

Pascal80 · 09/12/2021 16:13

I think you have posted about this man before. The answer is the same. it's over, and no, they don't come back (except in Hollywood films and trash novels)

Original poster

PandaGate · 09/12/2021 16:46

Nobody has yet provided a nice story but thanks for the replies anyway

Points are noted and yes I know I should move on…trying to

OP posts:

gokartdillydilly · 09/12/2021 16:47

Mine came back. He was beautiful. And then he left again. This happened a few times and I loved him so much I forgave him each time. I was very very young and naive. Eventually he disappeared again for ever. Total cold turkey. With no goodbye. Just disappeared! I was heartbroken and searched for him for years (pre-internet). 25 years later 25 fucking years!! he rang me to apologise and said he though he 'understood' why I didn't want to meet up. I think he probably felt that the conversation hadn't gone quite the way he planned

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 16:52

I do know about a man who came back.
He disappeared for a year when their first child was born.
Came back - she forgave him.
They had two more kids.
Then they got married.

Unfortunately he cheated on her throughout their whole relationship, kicked off with her dad on their wedding day so she went NC with her parents and eventually left her for someone younger and now has nothing to do with his kids.

I tried to make it nice. Sorry.

Aprilx · 09/12/2021 17:29

@PandaGate

Nobody has yet provided a nice story but thanks for the replies anyway

Points are noted and yes I know I should move on…trying to

I think the nice stories only happen in movies and on TV.

It does sound like he was making excuses, not unusual. Be kind to yourself, forget about the dating for now, it sounds like it is far too early and you will only feel worse.

B1rdflyinghigh · 09/12/2021 21:52

The men Ive had a relationship with who took themselves off, always come back. I never block them because I know that they will come back. The longest time was 2 years. When they do come back, I enjoy chatting, winding them up, until they admit they were only after sex this time. I get to say exactly what I think of them in a very controlled way, without emotions. Only then do I block them on everything.

Never go back. If they didn't treat you well the first time, they wont a second time.

onedaysoonish · 09/12/2021 22:16

I have a nice story! I went out with DH for two months then he dumped me because he had just come out of a very long and serious relationship and he just wasn't ready. He got in touch a year later and we've been together for ten years. Weirdly I always felt like we would get back together - even then I realised we are so similar and it was just such an easy relationship.

Obviously my friends said don't go back etc but he'd always been decent and treated me well and I understood why he broke it off

gokartdillydilly · 09/12/2021 22:43

onedaysoonish

Lovely x

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 22:50

My mum and dad got divorced, mum married someone else. Divorced him 🙄 then her and dad got back together.

Honestly, most of my teen years were spent with them still trying to resolve the problems. But when they sppot neither was vague with the 'I don't want to end it but dont want be with you either'

They were together 28 years the second time. It wasn't smooth sailing. There's been times where they just shouldn't have been together. It was a doubled edged sword. From mine and dbros pov, their relationship wasn't good for a long time and they probably shouldn't have got back together.

As I got older I could recognise their relationship, had settled into a steady pace and they were good together. But not until they got to about 50. Mum died last week and dad is broken.

Not sure if that's nice or not.

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 22:53

@girlmom21

I do know about a man who came back. He disappeared for a year when their first child was born. Came back - she forgave him. They had two more kids. Then they got married.

I tried to make it nice. Sorry.

Her initials weren't SC were they? This sounds exactly like someone I know.

Thegreencup · 09/12/2021 22:55

@onedaysoonish there is a bit of a difference between two months and the OPs relationship which was a year.

I'm going to be blunt OP. He just wanted to have sex with someone else/lots of other people. If he comes back, it will only be because the someone else/lots of other people didn't want him anymore. Not because he wants you.

You deserve so much better than this.

ilovechocolateandcake · 10/12/2021 06:58

I was with someone a year. He ended it as he had something very stressful going in his life. We got back together 6 weeks later. I used the 6 weeks to go to the gym, see lots of friends and work on myself. Now happily back together

Tempnamezzzzzzz · 10/12/2021 07:12

NC but regular poster.
I am in a similar situation. He has dialled back but we see each other as part of our shared hobby, and knowing what so do about his circumstances I believe the stress and that his way of dealing with stress is to throw himself into a non stop whirl of things (volunteering/extra pub work/diy projects/hobbies etc).
I think he is a keeper and so am staying calm and doing what Kate Middleton did (there’s a nice story about one who came back) -ie meeting friends, doing my own hobbies and things I really enjoy. Yes I am thinking about him all the time as well but am distracted from the constant reflection by having plans. We are at a joint social thing tonight (I will not drink !!!!) he will see I am fabulous 😁😁😁 I will be friendly but mostly just enjoying being with our mutual friends-not flirty at all with other men. I think he will want to come back. But I will not push it, and will go with the firm intention of going home alone whatever happens, and if he doesn’t I will have had a good time with friends and it will boost my self-esteem. If he does come back I will keep up with the lots of plans tho’ as it is healthier anyway.

MrsJackWhicher · 10/12/2021 07:15

Yes to Kate Middleton!

ESGdance · 10/12/2021 07:28

@Tempnamezzzzzzz - sounds a sensible and considered approach - come back and tell us how it goes…..but if it does reconnect have you thought about what happens when he is under stress again? Will you be able to be very clear what’s acceptable and what isn’t?

Mybalconyiscracking · 10/12/2021 07:30

Well my DD and her BF seem to split up every second week or so.. but she is 18.
It’s no life for a grown up!

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