"You always have to fucking escalate"

[wetdryeyes]

NC for this.

Both of us are WFH, in separate rooms upstairs with the door shut (usually headphones on too). I heard DH stomping towards the stairs, muttering something about "Oh I'll get it then."
I came out of my room and followed him downstairs, saying, "Sorry, is it the door, I didn't hear it."
He was obviously annoyed: "Well the doorbell went twice!"
I repeated, "Well, I just didn't hear it."
"Well, that's not the issue."
I said, "What is the issue then?"
He suddenly exploded at me: "You always have to fucking escalate! Why can't you just not react?" and stomped back upstairs, leaving me to answer the door.

Things like this are happening all the time now, and I'm always made to feel like I am at fault. Last night, around 10pm, I didn't understand what he was asking me to do with a bit of camera equipment, and he shouted at me: "You never listen to me! Why won't you just listen to me?" This was because I had suggested we read the manual.

I'm tired of it. I know I'm not always easy to live with (menopausal, don't want sex much, have anxiety about all sorts of things) but I don't shout and swear at him. I am sat at my desk now, crying a bit and wondering whether to start looking for a flat to rent.

Oh mate.

No words of advice, but an awful lot of sympathy for you. He's the one escalating, not you.

Can you go to a friend's, family, or hotel for a few nights? Just for you to have a break from each other? A safe place to think on things?

If you weren't expecting a delivery why would you sit waiting for a doorbell to go?

Yes look for a flat to rent. He seems to be the one escalating things here.

What good things, if any, do you get out of this relationship?

@mbosnz Not really any options, we have a primary aged kid to consider, all my friend and family live miles away. I think I have to get through Xmas and see how that goes.

@Shedmistress Exactly. Last time I checked my marriage vows, "I promise to always answer the door" was not one of them.

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep Fewer and fewer as the years go on, is the blunt answer. As far as I was concerned he was the love of my life until a couple of years ago, and I was sure I was loved back, but this doesn't feel like love any more. The pandemic hasn't helped, that's for certain.

Thank you all for your sympathy. Something has to change.

For now, for the sake of peace in the house, stop engaging with him when he starts something - think............. and do not react.

Oh poor you this is a horrible way to live.

Sounds like he has resentment or contempt for you. I got a bit like this when I had underlying resentments towards my partner (absolutely not ok and I've sorted it now)

Maybe he needs a wake up call so he can address what's really going on because I bet you any money it's not about answering the door.

You're saying neither of you are hard work to live with and you're together, in each other's hair, not seeing other people, 24/7. It's a recipe for disaster, really. Is there opportunity in the future for you to return to an office where you can get a break from each other? Or is this your forever work pattern?

Is it a case of too much of each other? Working from home is not good for relationships. It’s almost a competition to see who works the hardest.

Edit ^ Sorry, you're saying you're BOTH hard work to live with...

Working at home in parallel every day is bloody hard, even when one of you is at least in the garden office. It is so much nicer when one or other of us is going in to the office. The 4 month period where we worked in adjoining rooms was very tough.

@coconuthead Yep, it's not about the door! I think we're just out of love.

@madisonbridges we barely see each other during the day - both busy people.

I do all the school runs so I love WFH, it's so much less stressful than my previous long commute.

@Anordinarymum It's so difficult not to at least ask what I'm supposed to have done wrong this time, but I do try to not react at all!

Fuck that, huffy bastard. I’d be LTB, men like this just get worse.

"Well, that's not the issue."

I don't like this. He set you up to fail. 90% people would answer the same way as you. The other 10% would shrug and walk away, but then they would get accused of never listening to him when he's got an "issue".

You can't win. He was spoiling for a fight and was going to get one no matter what you said.

He sounds like a bit of a bell-end to me, OP. He set you up for a row there, stomping around huffing and puffing to make sure you heard him and came to investigate. Out of interest, if you hadn't taken the bait, would he have brought it up later or just forgotten about it?

And why did you apologise for not being the one to answer the door? Is there a bit of a dynamic that he's too important for that kind of menial task?

If you weren't working from home, you wouldn't have had a row about the doorbell which made you sit in your room crying! And when you're not seeing other people during the day, your sole conversation is with a partner that you find difficult to live with. It's like a pressure cooker.

I'm sorry that you're so upset , none of this is your fault , it sounds like he's struggling with working from home and life and taking it out on you .
The answers all depend on if you want to stay with him or not , if you still love him and want to be with him he needs to get some help with his anger issues or maybe depression as he can't keep taking it out on you , its not fair .
If you don't want to be with him you need to make plans to leave or ask him to go .
My ex used to be like this and I was in peri menopause , I left but my children were adults and I'd decided I didn't want to live that way anymore and all the love I'd felt for him had long gone he'd killed it bit by bit over the years .
I'm so much happier now , he's not spoken to me for 11 years as I'd apparently broken his heart .
Do Whats right for you and it will turn out right

If this had happened in isolation, I'd be thinking it was fairly easily fixable (I have a tendency to run through arguments in my head before they have actually happened, and occasionally my husband has interrupted me halfway through, so he was being blamed for stuff he hadn't actually said yet!).

But this isn't just one thing, is it? Is there any chance that he would agree to counselling? (maybe worth a shot, if only so you know you've tried everything). If you are both unhappy then carrying on like this isn't helping anyone. Your child will very quickly pick up on the atmosphere, so for their sake it's important to either work towards a better way of living together, or agree to separate with as little animosity as possible.

Not now, but when things are calm and no kids are around - talk to him. Ask him what his problem is.
It sounds as though he's having a row with you in his head and it's escalating in his head.
It sounds very stressful, but continuing to work live in each others pockets and be pissed off at each other is not a pleasant way to be. Something has to change - so start by talking.
Only then can you consider other options.

Thank you all for your wise ideas and your support. I think we need to try counselling, although I know he won't like the idea of it at all. Nor do I much!

I don't want to throw away 20+ years, but you're right that it's already getting unsettling for the LO.

And other people are starting to notice how critical he is of me all the time - at our kid's birthday party this year one of the many little comments was that I was cutting the cake wrong - all little "teases" or "jokes", but after 1000 repetitions they just sound like nagging or nastiness to me. But if I tell him that I don't find that joke funny, I get told I'm uptight or have no sense of humour.

Sounds as if it would have been best to ignore him.

I can see how you opening the door when you did is a bit like someone coming in to "help" with the washing up just as you've finished.

That said if you didn't hear it you didn't & he should accept that not shout & swear about it.

Sorry but he really sounds like an arsehole. Death by a thousand cuts.

"And other people are starting to notice how critical he is of me all the time - at our kid's birthday party this year one of the many little comments was that I was cutting the cake wrong - all little "teases" or "jokes", but after 1000 repetitions they just sound like nagging or nastiness to me. But if I tell him that I don't find that joke funny, I get told I'm uptight or have no sense of humour."

That puts a different light on it.

Does he "want out" but is trying to drive you into ending it?

He probably thinks you'll never leave him

My dh started to do this, I know why, he was tired..

I just started to say 'I'm not talking to you if you're going to be rude' and I'd walk off

Camera stuff - I'd have put it down and walked off
The door - I'd have walked back to my office

I sat down and told my dh that I was fed up of walking on eggshells and if he didn't alter his work shift patterns to accommodate more sleep I'd leave. Tbf he did change and things have been loads better

Oh dear - irrational anger from him and on top of it he’s blaming you.
It’s not you.