"You always have to fucking escalate"

[wetdryeyes]

NC for this.

Both of us are WFH, in separate rooms upstairs with the door shut (usually headphones on too). I heard DH stomping towards the stairs, muttering something about "Oh I'll get it then."
I came out of my room and followed him downstairs, saying, "Sorry, is it the door, I didn't hear it."
He was obviously annoyed: "Well the doorbell went twice!"
I repeated, "Well, I just didn't hear it."
"Well, that's not the issue."
I said, "What is the issue then?"
He suddenly exploded at me: "You always have to fucking escalate! Why can't you just not react?" and stomped back upstairs, leaving me to answer the door.

Things like this are happening all the time now, and I'm always made to feel like I am at fault. Last night, around 10pm, I didn't understand what he was asking me to do with a bit of camera equipment, and he shouted at me: "You never listen to me! Why won't you just listen to me?" This was because I had suggested we read the manual.

I'm tired of it. I know I'm not always easy to live with (menopausal, don't want sex much, have anxiety about all sorts of things) but I don't shout and swear at him. I am sat at my desk now, crying a bit and wondering whether to start looking for a flat to rent.

He's picking silly fights. You need a calm conversation. Easier said than done, I know.

He's horrible. He wants you to just BE TOLD by him and not defend yourself. I would go nuts at the repeated little picking and criticizing etc. Honestly, it's no way to live :(

How is he with everyone else including your child?

If he has started to show contempt for you then it's usually the end, rather than a difficult phase.

You can fall out of love but still love/care for your partner and treat them with respect. If he treats you differently to others and your children then you face being marginalised at home, which will impact your relationship with the children.

How was his childhood?

wetdryeyes

re your comments in quote marks:-
"Thank you all for your wise ideas and your support. I think we need to try counselling, although I know he won't like the idea of it at all. Nor do I much!"

If counselling is to be at all considered here go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. He won't likely want to go and besides which he is behaving abusively towards you and in turn your child (who is also now picking up on all this within the home). Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

"I don't want to throw away 20+ years, but you're right that it's already getting unsettling for the LO".

Indeed and this is not a set of relationship lessons you want to be teaching your child. Would you want your child to be in such a relationship; no you would not. All this thinking about "throwing away x number of years" is the sunken costs fallacy and that basically keeps good people in bad relationships that should now end. The past is gone never to return and a poor investment is not going to suddenly turn good. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

"And other people are starting to notice how critical he is of me all the time - at our kid's birthday party this year one of the many little comments was that I was cutting the cake wrong - all little "teases" or "jokes", but after 1000 repetitions they just sound like nagging or nastiness to me. But if I tell him that I don't find that joke funny, I get told I'm uptight or have no sense of humour".

Yet more red flags re him; I would think that this from him towards you has been further ramped up over quite a long period of time too. Abuse like this is indeed insidious in its onset and does creep up on people. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

"(menopausal, don't want sex much, have anxiety about all sorts of things)"

Could this hint as a cause for his frustration bubbling to the surface?

Unless he's always been ratty with you in which case the doorbell is the least of your worries

"Last night, around 10pm, I didn't understand what he was asking me to do with a bit of camera equipment, and he shouted at me: "You never listen to me! Why won't you just listen to me?" This was because I had suggested we read the manual".

Sound travels and its very likely your child heard him shout this at you. That young person must have been frightened.

Your dynamic reminds me a lot of my mum and dad (still together).

He is completely in the wrong for being arsey, but I never really understood why she would seemingly escalate things. It's really clear to me when he is in a mood, and thus shouldn't be 'provoked'. But she either can't pick up on that, or won't.

I'm not saying she is wrong to do so, he is definitely the wrong one, but when it ends in him snapping at her and her feeling hurt, why do it? When she knows that is the outcome?

@Hont1986 Sometimes in explaining your point of view or sticking up for yourself, you end up annoying another person. Should you not have boundaries or opinions to avoid "provoking" another person?

People are in charge of their own behaviour. And their own responses. You cannot "make" anyone do or say anything.

As other poster says, tell him straight how his behaviour is affecting you. Say 'your voice is really aggressive and angry. I didn't do anything to deserve that. Come back and talk to me when you are less angry'.
So don't respond to the content of what he says but to how he is saying it.
Sometimes our reactions are defenses against what our body is experiencing. If we have an angry man making angry sounds at us, we will react by defending ourselves with 'it's not my fault etc etc'. Or what I tend to do is stand up for the 'other side' of what DH is saying. This again is a defence against the physical response to having someone rant or offload on you.
Telling the person how their behaviour affects us can help them to notice.
You might get somewhere with this, only you will know your own DH.

My DH used to be a really negative ranter. He's since started therapy and gone on antiDs and is so much more a pleasant and relaxed person. And he 'notices' himself when he's going into a rant and can comment on that. In the early stages the person is stuck in their emotion and not 'noticing' what's going on.
The bottom line is, if you don't tell him how this affects you he'll keep doing it because he gets a 'reward' of having you to blame which kind of relieves his distress. If you politely decline his offer of being the bad person in his life who does everything wrong, then he has to look at his own behaviour.

Very clearly taking his shit, out on you!! When he very clearly isn't communicating!

Sounds like you are out of love. Living together without love doesn’t work because you become intolerant and then toxic.

Counselling will either get you back to a loving place or help you split.

Don’t slide into bitching and toxicity. It’s not good for anyone no matter how long you were together.