What would you do?

[useranon12]

Hi again everyone, I'm having a really crap time lately , I am so very close to ending my 10 year relationship and leaving the father of my 2 young children . I have asked a simular question here before but I'm still lost and unsure what to do so would be great to see what people would do in my situation I know you can't know the whole situation and know my feelings but I still think it would be very helpful to get opinions.

So (sorry if its long) I have told my partner I want to leave and not be together anymore .This came about after he was being pretty selfish and not doing his bit with looking after children ( we were both ill but I still had to parent he felt he never ). It's wasn't just for that reason though I am so sick of doing absolutely everything around the house. He does work alot so I do expect to do most but he just doesn't do anything or even think of anything that may help me . I work part time and take care of our children . I very rarely feel like sex with him ( I was having it) but just not ever into it and I think that's down to his little input into helping home life. But then saying that I don't know whether I really love him or fancy him . It not about looks it's about respecting and loving him and I just don't know whether that's there anymore .
I'm saying this now though and it's easy to say when we are not talking and things between us are bad , we do have lots of good times , he is good dad but I do feel like somethings missing but I'm scared I'm leaving and there will be no going back what if I miss him want him back?

He's actually agreed with me that's we should break up and seems pretty serious but then he is very stubborn. I'm looking at getting a house on my own with kids but once I actually start applying I don't think there will be any going back and even though I definitely think its the right thing what if I'm not any happier .

What would you do? Does it sound like I need to be on my own and eventually find someone I'm more compatible with , I'm definitely in no rush for that I will be concentrating on me and kids . I plan to go to therapy and figure out a few things in my head and be the best version of me before I even think of another relationship but then I think can I really leave .

I should add I'm not sleeping at all just lying awake thinking about leaving I think I've come to decision that I need to but then go back to feeling heartbroken and thinking I can't leave him. He actually doesn't seen bothered I know he is though deep down he's just stubborn or maybe he doesn't belive I will do it . I'm not playing games at all though

You both think you should end the relationship. It's the right thing to do.

You have got to the resentment stage, so it’s over.
You also now have anxiety, that’s why you are lying awake at night, churning it all over and over.
You are also scared of the unknown, and that’s natural. You just need to take a leap of faith.

@GoodnightGrandma

You have got to the resentment stage, so it’s over. You also now have anxiety, that’s why you are lying awake at night, churning it all over and over. You are also scared of the unknown, and that’s natural. You just need to take a leap of faith.

It does feel like a leap of faith though its so so scary , the what ifs . I will miss family days and having some one to talk to that's close but I think my heart is telling me I've got to do it. Oh its so so hard

@girlmom21

You both think you should end the relationship. It's the right thing to do.

That's makes it sound so straight forward but I do know we both have feelings there ther is a reason we've stuck at it for ten years. But yes we have both said we think we need to break up 💔

I understand how you are feeling, I really do. I assume you’re not married ? Unfortunately mine is a marriage to break up.
Do you own your home ?
Take the time to get things straight in your mind, how you would manage financially etc.

Why don't you sit down with him and have a full heart-to-heart? What have you got to lose?

Say all you have said above, say you care confused about attraction, respect, being a team?

Tell him your deepest darkest thoughts.

If you think there could be a chance you guys get your mojo back, can rebuild respect and attraction then isn't it best to be sure?

He might say no, he might now care.

But he might want to work on at least been Ng sure.

Say you feel there will be no going back and is splitting the family not worth being absolutely sure about before you do.

Talk about sex. Frankly and openly.

What have you got to lose?

I'm going to leave and I actually can't quite believe it , I feel abit like is this really happening he's all I've known and he has been my partner for so long it's driving me mad going around in my head so much

Oh and try to be as nice as you can whilst talking, no blame, just facts, admit your wrongs.

Couples counselling first, surely?

I don't know whether I can try again, we have had talks before and both tried to work on our relationship but there's something in me that's telling me I don't want him but at the same time it's killing me . I wish the feelings would go away and I could just be happy because I'm not sure I'm ready to be on my own and I'm pretty sure there be times where I'm on my own thinking what have I done 😭

do a seperation for a while?

@GoodnightGrandma

I understand how you are feeling, I really do. I assume you’re not married ? Unfortunately mine is a marriage to break up. Do you own your home ? Take the time to get things straight in your mind, how you would manage financially etc.

Are you in a similar position? It's awful isn't it , I feel like I love him but not in love. I feel like I am giving up on our little team but then my gut feeling won't go and I don't think things will change . I actually think I deserve better but then keep thinking do i need to keep working at it , I do enjoy being with him alot but I do think it's the family unit I love and not him ( I know sounds terrible) . He owns house but has said he would give me half of what equity is in it as I've put so much into this house and then I would go and rent

@frozendaisy

Why don't you sit down with him and have a full heart-to-heart? What have you got to lose?

Say all you have said above, say you care confused about attraction, respect, being a team?

Tell him your deepest darkest thoughts.

If you think there could be a chance you guys get your mojo back, can rebuild respect and attraction then isn't it best to be sure?

He might say no, he might now care.

But he might want to work on at least been Ng sure.

Say you feel there will be no going back and is splitting the family not worth being absolutely sure about before you do.

Talk about sex. Frankly and openly.

What have you got to lose?

Maybe I should, I think we have done this before though and if I'm honest I don't think I've got anything I need to change. He says I'm manipulive which I'm definitely not, I think he thinks me threatening to leave is to scare him and make him do things around the house or be nicer. I don't know. He also has said that he thinks I don't see how hard he works but then vise virca. I don't know whether we are going round in circles but should we maybe give it one last shot as how scared and worried I am about it being a mistake to leave makes me feel that I shouldn't

@bluebell34567

do a seperation for a while?

I did think this , I did think go and rent a house for a year and work on me and see how I feel . We would always keep it OK for the kids and make sure they weren't really hurt my situation we can both be adults like that. I do keep coming back to this and think it's maybe the best . I think he is very stubborn though and will say if I leave that's , I will also be taking our family savings though as well to go and rent and set myself up so if we did get back together a massive chunk of that would be gone . But then we need to figure out what's best for us going forward so it's a good idea

@frozendaisy

Why don't you sit down with him and have a full heart-to-heart? What have you got to lose?

Say all you have said above, say you care confused about attraction, respect, being a team?

Tell him your deepest darkest thoughts.

If you think there could be a chance you guys get your mojo back, can rebuild respect and attraction then isn't it best to be sure?

He might say no, he might now care.

But he might want to work on at least been Ng sure.

Say you feel there will be no going back and is splitting the family not worth being absolutely sure about before you do.

Talk about sex. Frankly and openly.

What have you got to lose?

Yes I think I will but there's a gut feeling telling me to not go over it again , I think I'm asking him to change who he is and he can't do that. He doesn't think there's anything wrong in his ways

But you aren't sleeping with thoughts going round.

So thrash it all out, all of it, write down bullet points of everything you need to say even if it falls on deaf ears.

Like I said you have nothing to lose and might just get your sleep back in the process.

@frozendaisy

But you aren't sleeping with thoughts going round.

So thrash it all out, all of it, write down bullet points of everything you need to say even if it falls on deaf ears.

Like I said you have nothing to lose and might just get your sleep back in the process.

I must have had about 5 hours hour sleep in 3 days I don't know how I'm functioning tbh , its so annoying I desperately need sleep then just lye there wide awake all night and then when I get sleepy ( say 5am ) toddler is up early and school runs work etc , I need sleep! I keep thinking I need to leave though and its like I'm waiting for a sign so I can be sure but are you ever sure I don't know . I do write alot down it helps alot. I also think I we had a talk and I said I don't know if I feel attracted to him anymore I think he'd say well I don't want to be with you

Trial separation might help. Good luck op. there’s some good advice on the Relate website about preparing for and supporting children during a separation. I know it’s really really scary. I’ve been there. A trial separation might give you some space to make your decision. My life actually became easier for me personally during my separation. The house was tidy, I cooked what I liked, had half of the week to myself which was amazing. Our kids struggled however. But children can be very resilient and if they see mum and dad are still friendly with one another I think that helps enormously.

@Philly1234

Trial separation might help. Good luck op. there’s some good advice on the Relate website about preparing for and supporting children during a separation. I know it’s really really scary. I’ve been there. A trial separation might give you some space to make your decision. My life actually became easier for me personally during my separation. The house was tidy, I cooked what I liked, had half of the week to myself which was amazing. Our kids struggled however. But children can be very resilient and if they see mum and dad are still friendly with one another I think that helps enormously.

Yes I have been looking at houses and picturing me and kids living there , it would be lovely to not have to make a proper tea every night and if me and kids just feel like beans on toast that's fine. I do think how it would feel to wake up and just be me and and kids. Again head goes round in circles and I think oh no what if I just cry every night and struggle feel very lonely. I think I know what I need to do I need to go if not for ever for a while and find out what I actually want . I'm not fully happy with what I'm getting out of this relationship but scared won't ever be happy.

what if I'm not any happier
What if you stay and aren't happy? What if you stay and have an affair and feel crap about yourself? What if you stay and he has an affair ten years later and you feel sorry you didn't leave when you were younger? What if you stay a bit longer but then he falls ill and you feel obliged to stay as his carer, but end up even more resentful? You can't base your decisions on what might happen as there are too many possibilities. You can only base it on what you know.

Get yourself some one-on-one therapy now and discuss your decision.

what if I just cry every night and struggle feel very lonely
You don't feel lonely now? You're not struggling now? You're sleeping fine now?

He won’t change, you won’t change. You’re just scared of the unknown and making a mistake.
I’ve been thinking about my situation and I came to the conclusion that, actually, he’s not good enough for me. He’s done nothing to change his situation, and I’ve stuck around for years for the same reasons as you. But no more. I’m doing it and I’m not scared anymore.

@ravenmum

what if I'm not any happier What if you stay and aren't happy? What if you stay and have an affair and feel crap about yourself? What if you stay and he has an affair ten years later and you feel sorry you didn't leave when you were younger? What if you stay a bit longer but then he falls ill and you feel obliged to stay as his carer, but end up even more resentful? You can't base your decisions on what might happen as there are too many possibilities. You can only base it on what you know.

Get yourself some one-on-one therapy now and discuss your decision.

I'm definitely getting myself therapy I need to find strength somewhere and figure out what I want where I'm going, I feel I deserve better but so painful to go I don't think I can actually do it. He's acting like he's absolutely fine and tht hurts abit I thought he might fight for me ( I don't even know whether I want that ) but he hasn't done anyway seems just fine .

@GoodnightGrandma

He won’t change, you won’t change. You’re just scared of the unknown and making a mistake. I’ve been thinking about my situation and I came to the conclusion that, actually, he’s not good enough for me. He’s done nothing to change his situation, and I’ve stuck around for years for the same reasons as you. But no more. I’m doing it and I’m not scared anymore.

Good for you, hope your OK it's still so tough though isn't it. I really feel I deserve better I'm hurting so much tonight, just finding it really hard knowing deep down we are not right but finding it so painful to accept its over and feel like I can't actually do it. He's acting just fine .