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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell her how I feel it might break her trust

40 replies

Asking5235 · 08/12/2021 14:02

Over the last 8 months I have become very close to a lady, but as friends only, we have much in common and over the last few months I have seen her as more than a friend. We laugh, cry and do so much together. Background she is my children swim instructor. We are around the same age.

She has had a very troubled couple of years, mental health wise, sexual abuse and health. She has opened up to me and commented that I am the only male friend she can open up to and trusts. She has shared some very shocking stuff with me and she had a major health scare last month which involved lots of tests I was the only one who knew and went to the Dr with her.

I want to tell her how I feel, but I don;t want to destroy her trust she has in me nearly every man has had a motive with her (sexual or mental abuse) and she has major trust issues with male figures. I would worry that it could destroy her friendship and she thinks I was striniging her along

She is constantly saying I am one of the nicest people I know and we need to find you a GF as you would be an amazing bf. She also says she feels safe to talk to me about things.

Really need some advice, should I tell her how I feel or should I let her take her time and maybe she would say how she feels if it is reciprocated. Should I let her make a move in time if she wants to. She has had a couple of very short term FWB arrangments since we have known each other. she has said these are because she wanted to feel love but now knows this is not the way fwd.

or does she just see me as a good friend someone to hang out with until she finds someone. She says she is off dating for now and men! but hints she wants a relationship all the

OP posts:

Original poster

Asking5235 · 08/12/2021 14:15

Should say I'm male for clarity

OP posts:

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 14:16

She's not interested. That's why she's commenting about you finding a girlfriend. Don't tell her how you feel.

HollowTalk · 08/12/2021 14:19

She is constantly saying I am one of the nicest people I know and we need to find you a GF as you would be an amazing bf.

I'm assuming you're single/divorced.

Couldn't you just say something like, "Do you think you and I could have a future together?" and listen carefully to her answer? If she says no, would you want to continue your friendship? It's unlikely you'd meet someone else while you're so involved with her.

Babyvenusplant · 08/12/2021 14:23

I'm sure she probably knows already that you like her. I would tell her how you feel, but be prepared to not get the answer you want back. If she doesn't feel the same it may make the friendship a bit awkward, so I guess that's something you need to think hard about, whether its worth risking the friendship?

Original poster

Asking5235 · 08/12/2021 14:32

I guess also I need to consider she is my kids swimming teacher, they love the lessons so if I did tell her how I feel and things turned sour they would loose their teacher

OP posts:

Lux523 · 08/12/2021 14:39

She sees you as someone to confide in, not boyfriend material.

How long have you known her?

I would also question her boundaries to get this intense with what I see as oversharing under the circumstances you've stated.

You are providing an emotional outlet for her.

IknowwhatIneed · 08/12/2021 15:15

How did you get to the point where she’s sharing such intimate stuff with you to the point of going to the doctors with her? That suggests to me that her boundaries aren’t great - which is no surprise given her experiences - but it does indicate that she’s not in a good place for a relationship just now. It also suggests your boundaries haven’t been great either given you’re providing a service for her children and really you sound over involved.

In your shoes I’d start rebuilding a more professional relationship with her, let her take time and space to heal properly without the prospect of another relationship at this time. If something is there it’ll still be there when she’s less vulnerable and you’re not involved with her children.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 08/12/2021 15:24

This sounds very unhealthy.

She has massive issues that are clearly apparent just from what you've said here. Going to the gp with your child's swim instructor? That is so inappropriate.

She has issues, it's already messy, she sees you as a friend and I'm sure you've been loyal to her but all of it is wrong.

I'm sorry, this has red flags waving furiously.

Squeezyhug · 08/12/2021 15:48

You could say you’ve joined a dating site and see how she reacts.

Alltheblue · 08/12/2021 15:58

It would be unhealthy to start a relationship in these circumstances. She relies on you as a friend. To rely on you in the context of a romantic relationship at such an early stage would be inappropriate and potentially very destabilizing for her.

So yes, you hold your tongue. If she liked you, it would still be inappropriate and I doubt she"d be looking for a girlfriend for you.

madisonbridges · 08/12/2021 16:04

Going to the gp with your child's swim instructor? That is so inappropriate.

But he didn't go with her as a parent, he went with her as a close friend. How is that inappropriate of him?

IknowwhatIneed · 08/12/2021 16:12

His role in her life is a swimming teacher to her kids, you don’t go from that to hearing details of sexual abuse and visiting the doctor with her without boundaries being breached along the way, on both sides. She’s clearly very vulnerable to have shared with someone in a professional relationship - Professional boundaries are there to keep everyone safe, this doesn’t sound safe for either party.

Original poster

Asking5235 · 08/12/2021 16:19

To clarify she is my kids swimming teacher

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2021 16:23

I think by telling her how you feel, it'll spoil the friendship. She's comfortable with you, trusts and relies on you. And listening to her past, I would worry she'll see you as yet another man who wants more from her than she wants to give.

gannett · 08/12/2021 16:36

Unfortunately I don't think it'd be a good idea to take this up a level.

Not necessarily because she'll say no, I've no idea, but she's very clearly not in the right place for a relationship at the moment. She said so herself, she's off dating and men. She's coming through a traumatic period of her life and she needs time to heal.

Even if she said yes, you don't have the foundations of a strong, lasting relationship. There's definitely an element of saviour/damsel in distress to your dynamic. That's not healthy in the long term because either you'll outgrow it, or you'll find unhealthy and codependent ways of keeping each other in those roles.

You also don't talk much about your own situation but I get the impression you also have your own issues and sadness to work through.

What you have now, a supportive friendship, is working for you both.

In time, she'll heal - perhaps your friendship will be important to this. Only when she feels ready to be in a relationship should you even contemplate telling her how you feel.

IknowwhatIneed · 08/12/2021 17:10

That’s quite concerning @Asking5235, she has a duty to maintain boundaries - fine to be friendly with parents but what you’re describing goes way beyond friendly with parents. She’s looking for intimacy in the wrong place, befriending a parent to that extent is inappropriate particularly given her role with your kids. I’d back away just now and wait until she has recovered physically, emotionally and psychologically from her experiences. She’ll bring that vulnerability into any relationship at the moment which isn’t a good basis for a healthy, equal partnership.

Didimum · 08/12/2021 17:55

Going against the grain here. I would tell her, but in the most respectful, earnest way you can.

CaMePlaitPas · 08/12/2021 18:24

You are not Prince Charming, this woman doesn't need to be saved OP. She has already defined your relationship as "kind parent of children I teach" - leave it there. If she feels anything for you, she'll make it known.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2021 18:28

Sorry, op, but there are red flags ALL over the place. Her history of abuse is very unfortunate, but the way she is confiding in you is alarming and grossly inappropriate. I would be very wary of her lack of boundaries if I were you. I would not pursue a relationship with this woman. Any woman you bring into your life will be in your child's life, too. Don't forget that.

Animood · 08/12/2021 19:01

She isn't interested.

GrubbyGirl · 08/12/2021 21:45

I had a male friend who I enjoyed what I thought was a plutonic relationship, until one day he decided to tell me he was in love with me.

I told him that I enjoyed a friendship with a male that wasn't spoiled by sex or attraction.

We lost that easy going, casual, supportive friendship and haven't been in contact for years.

madisonbridges · 09/12/2021 01:39

@IknowwhatIneed

Actually she's the teacher not him. But she's only his kid's swimming teacher, not their psychologist, for goodness sake. What professional boundaries are there between parents and swim teachers or dance teachers or martial arts teachers. They're just an hour a week classes and she doesn't hold personal details on them. It's perfectly ok for someone to date a swim teacher!

However, I do think that she might enjoy be able to relax with the op as a friend and an approach to take things deeper might be off-putting so I'd wait for her to make any possible first move.

smoko · 09/12/2021 02:16

" I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't want to destroy her trust she has in me nearly every man has had a motive with her (sexual or mental abuse) "

So you don't want to be seen like the other guys who just wanted her for sex, but you also basicially want to have sex with her too.

You're not a true mate then. Just like all the others....

NataliaSerene · 09/12/2021 02:28

I don’t see anything wrong with the friendship. But I also don’t think she’s interested because of the comment about finding you a GF.

Will you be content just being friends with her?

Momijin · 09/12/2021 02:33

It doesn't sound like she's interested in you so would probably ruin the friendship.

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