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Original poster

Should I tell her how I feel it might break her trust

40 replies

Asking5235 · 08/12/2021 14:02

Over the last 8 months I have become very close to a lady, but as friends only, we have much in common and over the last few months I have seen her as more than a friend. We laugh, cry and do so much together. Background she is my children swim instructor. We are around the same age.

She has had a very troubled couple of years, mental health wise, sexual abuse and health. She has opened up to me and commented that I am the only male friend she can open up to and trusts. She has shared some very shocking stuff with me and she had a major health scare last month which involved lots of tests I was the only one who knew and went to the Dr with her.

I want to tell her how I feel, but I don;t want to destroy her trust she has in me nearly every man has had a motive with her (sexual or mental abuse) and she has major trust issues with male figures. I would worry that it could destroy her friendship and she thinks I was striniging her along

She is constantly saying I am one of the nicest people I know and we need to find you a GF as you would be an amazing bf. She also says she feels safe to talk to me about things.

Really need some advice, should I tell her how I feel or should I let her take her time and maybe she would say how she feels if it is reciprocated. Should I let her make a move in time if she wants to. She has had a couple of very short term FWB arrangments since we have known each other. she has said these are because she wanted to feel love but now knows this is not the way fwd.

or does she just see me as a good friend someone to hang out with until she finds someone. She says she is off dating for now and men! but hints she wants a relationship all the

OP posts:

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 09/12/2021 02:40

@smoko

" I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't want to destroy her trust she has in me nearly every man has had a motive with her (sexual or mental abuse) "

So you don't want to be seen like the other guys who just wanted her for sex, but you also basicially want to have sex with her too.

You're not a true mate then. Just like all the others....

I agree with this. You’re not the nice guy you think you are, or you would know this was massively inappropriate and wouldnt be thinking about it. Rather than knowing it is inappropriate and want to do it anyway.

NataliaSerene · 09/12/2021 02:52

Being interested in a relationship with someone isn’t a betrayal!

Weatherwax13 · 09/12/2021 03:27

Poor woman's been through a lot and I think she needs to work on her boundaries. Confiding all this to a bloke she barely knows is not a good idea.
She doesn't really know you properly after such a short time, does she?
So she's not protecting herself.
Don't say anything to her OP.
I think you're looking for permission to do something you know is wrong for her.
How's she going to feel when she finds out that you don't want to be her friend, but her boyfriend?
Either she'll be really upset that yet another man is after sex, not friendship - or perhaps worse, will start seeing you even if she doesn't really want to deep down.
Women who've been traumatised can be so conditioned not to listen to their inner voice. If you're a good person you won't want that.
I think you should back right off from the intensity and oversharing and encourage her to pursue therapy. The last thing she needs is another bloke in her life now.

smoko · 09/12/2021 04:00

Whenever a male mate starts with this shit I think to myself "if I wanted to fuck you, you'd know it by now."

notshawrun · 09/12/2021 21:42

I think some of the comments here are really odd, it does happen that you become friends with someone and hit it off and establish trust in some areas and fall for someone, it doesn't necessarily mean boundaries are poor! And a swimming teacher for dc is not exactly the same thing as doctor or therapist or school teacher in terms of professional boundaries. People sometimes even marry their doctors or therapists - fully grown adults can do that without high drama!

@Asking5235 can you say what the thing she was being tested for was or the sort of thing it was, and give more info about the sort of things you do together and how much time you spend together and have you met each other's friends? How did the friendship start? Do you fully understand her approach to relationships?

My feeling based on what you have said is that it is awkward, you don't want to upset her or cause upheaval but at the same time I am not sure you can be dishonest with her, I think it is disingenuous to pretend to be a friend while having feelings for them. It depends on so many other things, like the things I asked, whether you should back off or be honest with her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 21:56

She has:

Told you she's been upset in the past that men aren't genuine and are just after sex

Commented that she hopes you meet a nice girlfriend to be with

Said she is off men and dating

Mate, she's been as clear as she can be without outright saying she doesn't see you that way.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/12/2021 22:05

No @notshawrun people do not marry their therapists or doctors without a huge and grotesque breaching of boundaries.

And no swim coach should be taking their student's dad to their GP appt.

That you find this acceptable and even endearing doesn't make it OK, but it does reveal your difficulty with recognising what is and is not appropriate.

Phoenix76 · 09/12/2021 22:35

If I was interested in someone I certainly wouldn’t be saying we need to find them a gf! That would be a way of clarifying that I wasn’t interested in them in “that” way. I’m really sorry op, it really sounds like she sees you as a friend. She’s already been through so much, for her to discover you also have “intentions” may just about tip her over the edge. I know it’s awful hearing that but better to be aware and move forward accordingly, if you’re after a partner I’d be looking elsewhere.

User2638483 · 09/12/2021 22:50

She sounds like she has a lot of issues

tearinghairout · 09/12/2021 22:59

I don't think she wants a relationship at the moment. Keep being a loyal friend to her and who knows what feelings she might develop in time? That presupposes that you're prepared to wait, of course.

notshawrun · 10/12/2021 13:28

@50ShadesOfCatholic there have been stories and many threads on MN in fact with stories of where people - now or going back generations - have met, fallen in love with and married people who were formerly professionals in their lives, including psychiatrists, other doctors. It happens, the rich tapestry of life, and whether there is a breach of boundaries depends on the circumstances - there will not always be a "grotesque" breach of boundaries. I don't think my sense of what is appropriate is off at all. You might want to consider what makes you certain your judgement is better than mine and whether you are overstepping boundaries yourself here.

There isn't enough information here to judge the appropriateness or not - for example providing support for tests for diabetes if the OP had experience of diabetes himself would not generally be seen as a massive overstepping of boundaries, whereas tests for STIs or something very personal might. It depends.

notshawrun · 10/12/2021 13:42

@50ShadesOfCatholic also, just picking up on one specific thing here - you saying That you find this acceptable and even endearing doesn't make it OK, but it does reveal your difficulty with recognising what is and is not appropriate There was nothing in my post indicating that I found this situation acceptable (or unacceptable) and certainly no indication that I found it endearing - my post has a number of questions and caveats, if you read it again. I think your statement here is poor judgement and inappropriate and calls into question your ability to understand what healthy boundaries means.

notshawrun · 10/12/2021 16:44

50shades I know personally someone who married their dc's sports teacher, another who married their music teacher - neither have compromised or confused boundaries. Macron married his former school teacher, 25 years ago, and again I really don't think you could suggest that he has confuddled boundary issues or vulnerabilities.

Basically in this situation there may be an assumption that there might be an imbalance of power or vulnerabilities or boundary issues but it won't always be the case. A part of having rock solid boundaries is being able to decide what will work for you, within the bounds of normal. For you or others to try to make sweeping rules that apply in every case is infantalising which is arguably an inappropriate crossing of boundaries in itself. I have no idea what applies in the OP's situation because there isn't enough info here to form any certain kind of judgement.

Palmfrond · 10/12/2021 16:48

Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

IamGusFring · 10/12/2021 19:05

@smoko

" I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't want to destroy her trust she has in me nearly every man has had a motive with her (sexual or mental abuse) "

So you don't want to be seen like the other guys who just wanted her for sex, but you also basicially want to have sex with her too.

You're not a true mate then. Just like all the others....

Don' t be ridiculous - what a stupid comment .

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