Staying together after long term affair - positive stories only please

[Reconcilingbuthard]

I’ve decided for a number of reasons to try and reconcile with DH after discovering a long term affair (15 months)

I’ve had a lot of good and varied advice under a different username here but would really like to hear from people that have done this or are doing this, rather than those that are firmly in LTB camp.
I’m struggling with everything - any tips or even just solidarity?

DH is trying to do all he can to be the best partner he can be from now on and rebuild trust and love.

Please be kind respect my decision, even if would not be yours x

OP - how did you find out? That for me makes a big difference. If it was a contrite DH who realised the error of his ways & has made continued effort to prove himself etc then that is a big thing.

It is slow and steady. Continued communication & rebuilding trust. This is not impossible, but if the distrust is likely to drive you crazy then save yourself the heartbreak.

I found out after it had ended. A year after which is harder. We have got on better than ever swings lockdown, affair was pretty lockdown.

He confessed all and has disclosed everything. I think I can trust him again in the future, it’s the hurt from the past that is hardest

Hi op. I was unfaithful over a period of a few months when I was younger. I had it in my mind that I was going to split up with him when I hot back home but when I saw my boyfriend again, I felt a rush of love so didn't say anything. We were super happy for nearly 10 years after that and then I slit up with him. I've realised since that it was differences in communication. I thought heeasbt passionate enough but he was, he just showed it in different ways. Then when I was with men wo I thought were passionate I realised that no, they were jealous and controlling.

I think as it ended before you found out and you got on so brilliantly during lockdown, he may have realised how much he loves you. I think when you are together over many years and kids and day t day life gets in the way, it is easy to lose the reasons why you got together in the first place.

Hi OP,

Whilst my partner didnt have an affair, i found out 3 weeks ago he had a one night stand. I too have decided to stick around and see if we can get past this. So whilst not exactly the same, i think the stages are similar.

I want to start by saying, ignore anyone who has any comment on your decision. Only you know your partner, your relationship and why you have deemed it worth staying.
You will get ALOT of people commenting on here saying how they cant do it, you shouldnt do it blah blah. IGNORE THEM.

Second thing - remember if you tell you friends/family, you can't un-tell them. Be selective on who you talk to, i personally chose to tell no-one. And now have enrolled into Therapy (excellent idea would highly suggest) who i unload on to.
It makes it easier to have a sense of ormality aroundmy friends and family -and give a better understanding as to how much future could still look.
I am by no means telling you not to speak to your nearest and dearest, just to remember onces its out there, people will have their opinions of your DH.

Its great to hear that your DH is doing his best, because he is going to have to do that and more for awhile. Time is the true test as to how you really feel.
I am only 3 weeks since finding out what my partner did, and i can tell you with confidence i feel 200% better today than i did 3 weeks ago.
I spent the first week angry, upset and just an emotional rollercoaster. My partner took everything i threw at him - and if he hadnt it, i dont think i would have carried on in our relationship. His actions are the main reason i am still here.

Your DH needs to understand you now need total honesty. I asked my DP every question i coud think of, and some of them made me physcially sick. But he answer everything honestly, not to hurt me, but to prove he is willing to be open and honest about everything. Him being open and honest will help you massively in accepting whats happened.

Its a long long process, i know i am only at the beggining. But i have heard many success stories to know people can come back from affairs to have a better relationship.

My DP wears that whilst he loved me before, he feels his eyes have been opened to the world he had, he explained he loves and respects me more for deciding to stay with him as it shows my love for him. This could be the same for you.

I believe we all can come back from things like this, whether its hope more than anythign i dont know. But i will continue down this road until i feel i cant anymore.

My inbox is always open if you need to rant or have support, i know the pain OP and its brutal xx

Thank you for the replies and sorry for the typos

Meant to read during lockdown and pre lockdown

Yes that’s what I think happened, lockdown renewed our relationship, I’m just struggling with why it took that to happen. Things weren’t but I didn’t hop into bed.

I too have wanted to know all the hurtful details, so I can get a sense of what I need to move on from.

I love him and hate him at the same time but hoping over time will love him much more and just hate what he did.

Thank you for sharing and am sorry you are so going through

Just wishing you luck for the future OP .

It will take years to get over if indeed you ever do.

Thank you Rose

Thank you Crimble, that’s the path I (at least now) have chosen. It is the hardest decision I’ve ever made

If your relationship improved during lockdown it seems to suggest that you two weren't spending enough quality time together pre-lockdown. So you could think of lockdown as saving your relationship!

Has he explained why he felt the need to have an affair?

I think find out the answers to the horrid questions will be the only way to stop you wondering.

Dont get me wrong, its very very hard. I go through stages of telling him how much i hate him for whats hes put me through. And other days i want to do ntohing but cuddle him and have him close.

The main thing you need to tell yourself, is that is okay to feel how you are feeling. Its okay to feel torn, and undecided, and angry one second and forgiving the next. This is not something that can iron itself out overnight, this is something that will take time and set backs before you move forward.
However you are feeling at that moment, if how you are suppose to feel. Allow them thoughts, allow yourself the hurt and pain. Dont push them to the back fo yoru head - because the only way you will move forward is if you embrace them and discuss them.

Me and my partner talk about it every day without fail, something will trigger me and i will text him and say i am feeling awful at the moment because of this - i sent a text saying something similar about 2 minutes ago actually!
Over the last few weeks i have come to realise what makes me feel better when i am low, and i have communicated that to my DP - so that even though he is the reason i feel awful, he is also the reason i feel better.
I also agree with what you said, i hope i love hima nd hate what he did.And thats how i am starting to feel with my DP - Because he is being so supportive,and i have seen a change in his behaviour and appreciation for me like i didnt see before. He describes himself as Version 2 of himself and i agree.

Its a long path, and its okay if you get 6 months into it and feel its no longer for you. The decision doesnt have to be permenant so dont feel stuck or suffocated by it Just take a day at a time and embrace whatever emotion your feeling.
I use to feel guilty when i had a happy moment, as if to say how can i feel okay knowing whats going on. My advice is really embrace them when they come, dont end them out of guilt because they come far and between for the first few weeks!

Counselling, counselling and more counselling, individual and separate. Whatever he gives as the reason for the affair now, you can almost be guaranteed that there is more behind it from his perspective - he needs to explore issues around entitlement, terrible boundaries, need to be liked, family or origin issues, etc. The narrative must NOT be about how terrible your marriage was or what you did wrong - otherwise, you will never be sure it will not happen again during a rough patch, and in any long marriage there WILL be more rough patches. Absolutely blank out anyone who suggests that people in happy marriages don't cheat. They absolutely do, and anyone who suggests otherwise is hopelessly naive. Regrets are good, of course, but it's just navel gazing if he doesn't dig deeper. And you need to think about your role - and by that I don't mean how you failed him, but how you might have failed yourself, by for example not being clear on what you needed and your inherent value as a partner.

Others have said really good things - counselling and being quite aware that once you tell family, they can’t be untold.

Have you got new things planned? New joint experiences? I know it’s sounds fecking cliched, but making some new memories in this new phase of your relationship could be a nice thing. Take guided tours of places, do a brewery experience, try a new hobby together, see a new stage show, eat a cuisine you’d never normally eat. Fill up your future with plans and forward looking things till you’ve established who you are together now.

I hope you get kind responses here, it’s your decision, your relationship and should be respected as such.
There’s no point dressing it up, it’s a long hard road to travel. In the initial relief to both of you that you still love each other and want to reconcile, it’s easy to think that this ‘honeymoon’ period is how you will continue from now on. Hysterical bonding can play a big part now. Life will settle down again and any relationship issues will still be there, except magnified by triggers, flashbacks and the occasional bout of resentment.
I totally understand the love/ hate him, it’s cognitive dissonance on steroids. The man who was supposed to love and protect you betrayed you and shattered your heart. Yet you love him. Love and pain in the same person. Time will hopefully show you that the love will win out. It’s up to him.
If you believe he is a good man at heart, if he has explained what happened and accepted all blame for his actions , then try to separate the man from his behaviour. This is not excusing any of it, it’s the only way for anyone to be allowed to better themselves, learn and move on as a hopefully better person.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions, you will have good days, fantastic days and then the worst days your relationship ever saw. I would not have believed I could scream at anyone, let alone the man I love, before this happened to me. Sometimes the tiniest memory or trigger spirals you down and he will be at a loss to see how or why you got there. They can never fully understand how what they did affects you. I honestly think they can get a big approximation of it but it’s a huge, visceral thing which definitely changes you.
He sounds like he is doing exactly what he should be doing, honesty in all things cannot be emphasised enough. Even discovering a ‘white’ lie or that he lied about taking out the rubbish might send you into a tailspin and set trust back a long way.
Sorry this sounds more negative than positive, the end result is honestly well worth it, but I’m not going to sugar coat the reality of the hard work and searing emotions involved. I had days where I thought I was doing really well, only to get triggered and become a sobbing mess. It does get easier, but it can’t be ‘got over’ or ‘forgotten’. Learning acceptance that it happened was my biggest hurdle in the beginning, somehow I was trying to change it into an understandable set of events but I still don’t understand what the fuck he was thinking and at the end of the day that no longer matters. I don’t need to understand that, he does. I accept his understanding of it and over the last 2 1/2 years he has shown me that I come first in his life and that he knows that our 37 years together are the best thing he ever did.
Clear boundaries are set, I won’t even bother asking what’s going on if there’s a sniff of anything else or if even one further lie from the past is uncovered. He will be gone and he knows it. Reconciliation was a one-time offer played to my rules.
We have a great relationship, always did, despite the MN mantra about ‘happy people don’t cheat’. Affairs don’t fit into neat boxes like ‘all cheats are scumbags’ ‘all OW are evil’ ‘all affair relationships are doomed’ ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ etc. I wish I could tell you that reconciliation is easy, but it isn’t. You can’t rush it, there is no timeline and it is years not months. Obsessing is common, getting triggered is common, you need time to process it all. Forgiveness is always the desired outcome allegedly if you want to move forward, but I don’t believe you have to necessarily forgive, you need to let go of bitterness and resentment. I’m with my husband whom I love very much, always will whatever happens, but I can’t forgive his behaviour. I have accepted what he did and why, I feel no resentment or bitterness, just sad acceptance about his behaviour and I lick my wounds about my previously naive view of people in general. Tough learning curve but even at my age I was still naive.
It is possible and very worth it with the right person and right circumstances, but even so, it’s a long, hard process. PM me if you ever need to, don’t walk this road alone. X

Forgiveness is always the desired outcome allegedly if you want to move forward, but I don’t believe you have to necessarily forgive, you need to let go of bitterness and resentment. I’m with my husband whom I love very much, always will whatever happens, but I can’t forgive his behaviour. I have accepted what he did and why, I feel no resentment or bitterness, just sad acceptance about his behaviour and I lick my wounds about my previously naive view of people in general. Tough learning curve but even at my age I was still naive.

Oh, boy, did this ring true to me. I spent a long time tied up in knots over the concept of forgiveness, and then I just let it go. For me, acceptance was the key, and yes I think I was hopelessly naive. As so many will say, my husband was the last person you would have thought would do something like this. Everyone, including me, was genuinely shocked. I thought only people in unhappy relationships cheated, and ours was a good marriage, with respect and plenty of sex still happening. Instead I was confronted with a cliche of a midlife crisis, successful businessman and attractive younger version of me. I was both hurt and appalled at the cliche my life had become.

I also learned that I could live happily on my own (we separated at my request for 15 months), and he knows with full certainty there will be no second chances. Our relationship will be done if there is even a whiff of anything else, no talking, nothing except working out a financial settlement and issues around the children. And, honestly, hand on heart, that would be OK too. I can live with that.

My friend decided to stay after the disclosure of a long affair. I was there for her through it and now after 5 years that they are still together. One thing she says is that it is never far from her thoughts of the betrayal and it has changed her as a person. She will never trust her husband again but recognised he made a very big mistake which he is still trying to rectify. She had to work with her therapist to stop the intrusive thoughts and accept that she is staying for her own reasons. Although the relationship is stable and she appears happy deep down she says she would leave permanently if she had her time again. I think what you need to do is to realise your relationship is permanently changed and its a new start for you both to build something different. Its a burden that will have to be carried with both of you now going forward. You dont have to forgive him or forget what he did. You have to put that in a box of "his biggest mistake" and put it in the corner of your mind to rebuild. Good luck OP.

@dontknowwhatcomesnext are you me?? Exactly the same scenario. So sorry it happened to you too. X

My Dh cheated on me regular when we were younger (early 20s) i caught him out on email
Messages… we broke up for a few weeks over it but I was distraught and for various reasons took him back (we are childhood sweethearts)

Fast forward a decade and I would say that time is a great healer. I was very insecure for a long time and he had to understand that (didn’t always) but for a long time I was that needy overbearing partner that checked his phone emails and was suspicious when he was late from work etc… but I would say that time and just ageing and growing into ourselves has helped. I trust him 99.9% now as he’s proved himself but you don’t forget and if I think about it for too long it still hurts and I still feel betrayed but it’s best to
Move on and try not to dwell

If this is what you want I wish you all
The best

@Bexxe

Hi OP,

Whilst my partner didnt have an affair, i found out 3 weeks ago he had a one night stand. I too have decided to stick around and see if we can get past this. So whilst not exactly the same, i think the stages are similar.

I want to start by saying, ignore anyone who has any comment on your decision. Only you know your partner, your relationship and why you have deemed it worth staying.
You will get ALOT of people commenting on here saying how they cant do it, you shouldnt do it blah blah. IGNORE THEM.

Second thing - remember if you tell you friends/family, you can't un-tell them. Be selective on who you talk to, i personally chose to tell no-one. And now have enrolled into Therapy (excellent idea would highly suggest) who i unload on to.
It makes it easier to have a sense of ormality aroundmy friends and family -and give a better understanding as to how much future could still look.
I am by no means telling you not to speak to your nearest and dearest, just to remember onces its out there, people will have their opinions of your DH.

Its great to hear that your DH is doing his best, because he is going to have to do that and more for awhile. Time is the true test as to how you really feel.
I am only 3 weeks since finding out what my partner did, and i can tell you with confidence i feel 200% better today than i did 3 weeks ago.
I spent the first week angry, upset and just an emotional rollercoaster. My partner took everything i threw at him - and if he hadnt it, i dont think i would have carried on in our relationship. His actions are the main reason i am still here.

Your DH needs to understand you now need total honesty. I asked my DP every question i coud think of, and some of them made me physcially sick. But he answer everything honestly, not to hurt me, but to prove he is willing to be open and honest about everything. Him being open and honest will help you massively in accepting whats happened.

Its a long long process, i know i am only at the beggining. But i have heard many success stories to know people can come back from affairs to have a better relationship.

My DP wears that whilst he loved me before, he feels his eyes have been opened to the world he had, he explained he loves and respects me more for deciding to stay with him as it shows my love for him. This could be the same for you.

I believe we all can come back from things like this, whether its hope more than anythign i dont know. But i will continue down this road until i feel i cant anymore.

My inbox is always open if you need to rant or have support, i know the pain OP and its brutal xx

Your partner respects you more for staying?

How about he respected you enough in the first place by not sleeping with some random.

Good luck and respect to you OP. The easiest decision would have been to end the marriage. Staying and rebuilding takes tenacity. Good men sometimes make very stupid mistakes. Look on it as a new relationship, take joy in rediscovering each other. Much love. X

There is a book you might find useful - The State of Affairs - by a counsellor who works with couples going through affair aftermath. It may be helpful to read about her experience and observations from years of helping people.
There is also a support group on FB - Ester Perel Discussion group where people share their experiences and look for support.

But generally - as others have said - doing couple and individual counselling is something that is essential. Without it - you may be able to try to forget what has happened but it’ll come back again and again and hurt you.
Counselling is key to try to understand what happened and what lead to it. So that as a couple you can evolve and not end up in the same place.
Good luck

My partner didn’t have an affair but cheated after being together for 9 years - subsequently found out that he had done it a few times before during the aftermath as well. We were both heartbroken as they were drunken “mistakes” if you can call them that.

We had a really rocky 6-12months afterwards, put off buying a house as I didn’t want to be financially tied, made a commitment to try and make it work by communicating better... we’re 3.5 years on, with a house and I honestly couldn’t be more in love with him if I tried. I’m so much more in love with him now despite everything that happened. I will always be hurt by what happened but the whole situation made me realise how deeply I care for him - no one is perfect and whilst cheating is seen as the cardinal sin, there are plenty of women that put up with lazy, abrasive or neglectful husbands... which having experienced what I have is so much more of a betrayal to a relationship.

I wish you all the best and really hope you can make it work! x

@Bexxe why should OP be selective about who she tells? She hasn’t done anything wrong and needs all the support she can get.

I’m amazed that you are falling for such crap as ‘respecting you more for staying’.

OP I had my ex back after he had an affair that lasted 2 years. I hope it works for you. It didn't work for me and I ended the relationship 6 months later. As much as I tried , I had changed after the discovery and couldn't get past the hurt. What hurt the most was that he never told me he was unhappy and I knew I could never trust him again. It needs a lot of work on both sides and counselling. Good luck

Good luck and respect to you OP. The easiest decision would have been to end the marriage. Staying and rebuilding takes tenacity. Good men sometimes make very stupid mistakes. Look on it as a new relationship, take joy in rediscovering each other. Much love. X"

Leaving is certainly not the easiest decision. It's hard. It's lonely. But for some of us it's the only rational decision.