Staying together after long term affair - positive stories only please

[Reconcilingbuthard]

I’ve decided for a number of reasons to try and reconcile with DH after discovering a long term affair (15 months)

I’ve had a lot of good and varied advice under a different username here but would really like to hear from people that have done this or are doing this, rather than those that are firmly in LTB camp.
I’m struggling with everything - any tips or even just solidarity?

DH is trying to do all he can to be the best partner he can be from now on and rebuild trust and love.

Please be kind respect my decision, even if would not be yours x

I’m reconciled, I won’t go into details but suffice to say most would have walked.

Firstly, whatever you do, don’t allow blame on yourself or the marriage. I personally avoid anything ‘Esther Peral’ or similar with a BARGE POLE as do many reconciled I know on Surviving Infidelity, with its wealth of experience. It is so important that the work comes from him to be a safe partner NOT you twisting yourself into a pretzel to repair the supposed damage in the marriage. Infidelity is about HIS selfishness and entitlement. There are many ways you can deal with relationship issues, betraying someone who loves you is not one of them.

Secondly, if you haven’t got a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, get one. It’s a solid road map to the right behaviours which will show you whether he is truly remorseful or not. Remorse is not something that comes easily to those who cheat. It’s important to see the red flags.

Knowledge is power. I read all I could and watched videos. Affair Recovery is a great site, lots of very useful resources, surviving infidelity have a brilliant reconciliation forum, and the book I’ve mentioned.

Talk, talk and talk more but attempt all conversation without anger and bitterness. That seems hard and I hate telling people but if you have chosen to reconcile you need to communicate your pain effectively to be heard.

Work on yourself. I found reconciling meant I struggled in the first few months feeling ashamed of myself, shouldn’t I ltb? So I really processed WHY I was choosing to stay. I woke every day reminding myself that this was my choice, not done unto me, but my personal agency at play.

This sounds counter intuitive but also I feel safer having a plan b for if he does this again. I hope he doesn’t, I believe him when he says he believes he won’t do it again. But having that plan b, knowing my ‘get out’ should I need it helps me feel in control.

This is how I’m surviving it atm, but the trauma still plays heavily on my mind. But I know that whether I stayed or went the healing time would be the same so I’m still riding that roller coaster.

Good luck

My friend’s husband had a short affair and that was the making of them.

Before the affair he was a disconsiderate bastard that treated her like a PA, he was a very selfish entitled 40 something teen.

She kicked him out while she was making her mind about which way to go. In that time she calculated her income, possible tax credits and how her life would be without him and realised that, although he was a very high earner, she would be much better off on her own and in control of her own finances. At that point she realised she did not need him but decided to stay because she wanted to well aware that she would be fine if she walked out if he went back to be the selfish bastard or the cheater. She made sure he was aware of that.

And that was made them stronger, it was not about a contrite husband making an extra effort or her ability to forgive, it was about a husband now aware that his wife was a strong woman who would not ever put up with further shit whatever the kind of it. So they have had a more equalitarian relationship in the years after the affair and seem to be much happier since then.

I am aware however, that this may be her trying to broadcast a very happy relationship to the world via social media to ensure everyone knows her man is not available, but deep down she doesn’t trust him not to stray again regardless of how much better the relationship appears to be.

@WatieKatie @Chocaholic9

Before i waste a breath trying to explain something you may never understand - can i ask whether either have you have been in this situation or are you picking apart peoples experiences having never experienced them yourselves?

The OP asked for peoples experiences, i gave mine.
Things happen, mistakes happen, affairs happen. No amount of 'How about he respected you enough in the first place by not sleeping with some random.' will change that it happened.

Yes my partner was disrespectful to do that to me. But that doesnt mean that his respect, love and admiration for the strength and forgiveness I have shown since hasn't grown for me, and doesn't mean it wont for the OP either.
The cliche 'you dont know what you had until its gone' applies here. As soon as my partner sobered up and realised what he had done, he was devestated and in fear that he has lost me and our life.
After much heart ache, and deliberation - i accepted that whilst i understood it or not, i wanted to atleast try and forgive him, given that he makes changes to his behaviour to ensure it never happens again.

My DP is now in awe of me completely, and worships the ground i walk on. He knows i have said if he ever cheated on me i would leave, so the fact i stayed opened his eyes to how much I do love him, and in turn how much more he loves me than he conciously realised. And i can say honestly that our relationship has improved 10 fold ever since. Any of the small bad habits i didn't like in our relationship have disappeared, he openly is more affectionate, attentive, complimentry and dependable then ever before.

Again, if you have never experienced this, and experienced true remorse - i wont ever expect you to understand. And thats okay, I've given up trying to make people understand why situations like these are not always as black and white as you make them.

@Bexxe Yes I have unfortunately. My now ex husband. When I found out I filed for divorce. It was the worst 18 months of my life and certainly not easy especially with a baby. Best thing I did.

We all have to make our own decisions and you have to understand that not everyone is prepared to forgive cheating. I know what I’m worth.

@WatieKatie i am sorry to hear that, i wouldn't wish the heartache and pain on anyone.

Yes i 100% understand the reasons for not forgiving a cheater, as i said i was strongly in that mind frame before it happened to me.

The OP asking for positive experiences, i think everyone is aware of the negative experiences but positive stories are harder to come by.

'I Know what I'm worth' - this applies that somehow me, OP and any other personw ho has chosen to try and forgive a cheating partner is some how less worthy because of their decision. I'm not sure how you come to that conclusion not knowing who any of us are, or why you think your chose is the more superior chose that what we have chosen, but implying someone is less worthy because of a different choice to yourself is quite literally everything that is wrong with the world.

OP - I experienced a lot of this kind of talk when i posted my very similar post a few weeks ago, and the kind people who have lived through and decided to forgive an affair helped me to understand that you have nothing to feel guilty, ashamed or 'less worthy' for. Your decision is a strong, brave and difficult choice. And its your decision. Dont let other peoples opinions make you feel bad about your choice x

@Bexxe you asked me if I’d experienced cheating before and then shoot me down for responding to your question.

I posted on here, to you, because I couldn’t believe that anyone would be as stupid as to think that their partner loved and respected them more following cheating. I assume you reminded yourself of that whilst you had an STI check.

OP I wish you all the best and in no way feel superior to you or anyone else.

@WatieKatie i in no way shot you down for responding to my question.
I responded to the unkind assumption that i did not know my worth because i decided to forgive my partner for a mistake he made.

Again applying i am stupid because i live and witness my partners actions day in day out but i must be wrong because a troll on MN who has never met me, or my partner says so.

It's clear you are still bitter for what happened to you and that is okay, everyone can decide to live their life the way they see fit.
It's just a shame you take to calling strangers stupid to make yourself feel better.

I could sit here all day and correct you on the 'facts' you are assuming and are incorrect about, but I have nothing to prove to you.

I hope life is kind to you, unlike you are to others.

Recovering from my wife’s long term affair and hope to have a happy ending here.

I am still quite new to this experience having just discovered my wife’s infidelity only about 5 months ago. I stumbled upon it entirely accidentally having had no previous suspicions.
I have to say I immediately realised that this was a long term affair and was totally devastated by the whole thing. I challenged her and to be fair, she immediately confessed and as far as I am aware has been totally truthful about everything since.
Her admission and honesty have been major contributory factors since (a lack of either of these would have destroyed any future for us).
My pain has been immense and I can only express it in terms like feeling I had been eviscerated, my whole world was destroyed and all that I felt I based my life on torn asunder.
Underneath it all my willingness to stay in our marriage is based upon a number of things:
• Above all I love, have always loved her and feel I always will, despite the excruciating pain that she has put me through.
• I do believe that she loves me (she assures me that her affair lived in its own bubble and didn’t reflect upon us ... but this I don’t belive)
• She had the integrity to immediately confess and didn’t try to hoodwink me.
• The affair started at a time that we were going through a great deal of turmoil and I can fully appreciate that she and I were both in bad places (although being in a bad place is not adequate reason for an affair but does help explain it a bit).
• She seems to be genuinely sorry for what she has done to me ( I am not persuaded that she is sorry for the affair but seems totally sorry for causing me such pain).
I am not saying that I am totally confident we will ever be able to totally put this behind us but I do hope we will be able to grow together past it.

[quote Bexxe]@WatieKatie i in no way shot you down for responding to my question.
I responded to the unkind assumption that i did not know my worth because i decided to forgive my partner for a mistake he made.

Again applying i am stupid because i live and witness my partners actions day in day out but i must be wrong because a troll on MN who has never met me, or my partner says so.

It's clear you are still bitter for what happened to you and that is okay, everyone can decide to live their life the way they see fit.
It's just a shame you take to calling strangers stupid to make yourself feel better.

I could sit here all day and correct you on the 'facts' you are assuming and are incorrect about, but I have nothing to prove to you.

I hope life is kind to you, unlike you are to others.[/quote]
Disagreeing with you doesn't make her a troll.