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Original poster

What is your definition of cheating?

47 replies

badromance59 · 07/12/2021 13:35

I asked my partner this and he said 'sleeping with someone else'
I was absolutely mortified and said what about if you are messaging someone or are emotionally involved doesn't that count?
I think connecting with anyone else in a flirty way whether in person or on text is definitely a boundary ?
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 07/12/2021 13:40

I think anything where you put the other person in the place of your SO

So flirty texts
Kisses
Emotional support/Affair
Keeping a relationship/friendship secret
Sleeping together
Paying for sexual favours, either online or in person

Calamitydrayne · 07/12/2021 13:41

It's all down to personal perception I think. Not everyone would lump a text in with sexual intercourse. Some me seem to think it's not cheating if you didn't fancy them.

Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 13:48

I just think it's disrespectful for a partner to text another in a flirty way especially if there are xx's they should be for family and me only.

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/12/2021 14:09

Cheating to me is physical intimacy so I'd include kissing, but would not necessarily include emotional intimacy as it can be such a grey area. As far as boundaries go, anything that you wouldn't do or say in front of your partner is a line crossed, though not necessarily a deal breaker.

Aposterhasnoname · 07/12/2021 14:17

Anything involving another person that you deliberately hide from your partner.

Calamitydrayne · 07/12/2021 14:21

Of course it's disrespectful. But is it sex?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 07/12/2021 14:25

Anything that's hidden, if you're not happy to share an interaction with another person and start to hide it. That's cheating

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 14:35

I agree - anything you would hide from your romantic partner that involves another person.

People are going to come back and say "well me and my friends talk about our periods - is that cheating?" to be pedantic though.

Did your DP respond straight away? He probably hasn't spent hours thinking about it before having the conversation so I wouldn't worry too much.

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 14:41

@MrMrsJones

I think anything where you put the other person in the place of your SO

So flirty texts
Kisses
Emotional support/Affair
Keeping a relationship/friendship secret
Sleeping together
Paying for sexual favours, either online or in person

That is the perfect definition of cheating.
GotBeatenUp · 07/12/2021 14:42

My XP was having an emotional affair. He would take her out and for meals, go to her house, give her presents etc I think

This was not cheating apparently as he hadn't even kissed her

I have no idea of what really went on, but he definitely was cheating in my eyes.

MiniTheMinx · 07/12/2021 14:44

Intention is everything. If you hide something intentionally from me I'd assume you know you shouldn't be doing that. If you set out to flirt, either in person or on line, that is intentional. If you have sex with someone else and intentionally did so, and intended to hide it, that's cheating. Paying for favours online or offline- cheating. I don't have any hard and fast feeling about emotional affairs or a drunken one off. I think its perfectly ok for DH to be friends with and emotionally support women friends, but if his intention in doing so was trying to get in their knickers I'd not forgive him. I could probably get over a drunk one off......if I wanted to, I might not.

Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 14:46

But...how do you know if they are hiding information?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 14:50

@badromance59

But...how do you know if they are hiding information?
You trust that they're not until they give you reason to doubt that trust.
Closetbeanmuncher · 07/12/2021 14:53

Agree with Aposterhasnoname

Do you think your partner is cheating op?

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 14:55

@badromance59

But...how do you know if they are hiding information?
What do you mean?
Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 14:57

Well, there was a time about 2 years ago when I asked him if there was anything he thought may upset me on his phone. He said no so I asked him to show me his texts and there were two communications which I found upsetting. Whether this is still going on I don't know and the reason for that is I don't want to snoop and he'd just delete them anyway so what would be the point. He clearly didn't see this as a boundary back then whereas I do and I have made it clear the other night just to reiterate.

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 07/12/2021 15:00

Anything you cannot talk to your partner about - including before it happens.

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 15:02

What was upsetting about he two communications you read?

Well, yes, cheaters will hide communications and they will delete messages, so your question about what if they are hiding something is pertinent. The answer to your question is, it's unlikely you'll find anything if he is hiding stuff, unless you get yourself more clued-up on technology than he is.

Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 15:07

@Signalstation

What was upsetting about he two communications you read?

Well, yes, cheaters will hide communications and they will delete messages, so your question about what if they are hiding something is pertinent. The answer to your question is, it's unlikely you'll find anything if he is hiding stuff, unless you get yourself more clued-up on technology than he is.

Just he'd suggested to meet a female (old colleague) for a drink after work this wasn't mentioned to me and also arranging to meet another ex colleague round at her house for coffee whilst her kid was in school, this was during his working day and I had never heard of this person so the fact it was concealed bothered me. Also, he said he never went showed me the message that he stated his car had broke down (it hadn't) so in his mind that made it OK.
OP posts:
Pyewackect · 07/12/2021 15:07

You sound hard work.

Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 15:09

@Pyewackect

You sound hard work.
Why is that?
OP posts:
Signalstation · 07/12/2021 15:11

@badromance59 the examples you give would be unacceptable to me too. It's fine to arrange to meet for drinks after work, not fine to omit to tell you. It's not fine to meet a woman in her house when you haven't even heard of her. It's not ok to lie to you about the car.

Signalstation · 07/12/2021 15:12

That's just pyewackect. Pinch, salt.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 15:12

@badromance59 you don't trust him even though he openly let you see his phone.

I've been with DP 8 years and have never, ever looked through his phone. He's offered to let me in the past and I've always said no. If you're at that point you already don't trust him.

I don't think going for a drink with a friend is an issue. I'd assume he didn't tell you because he knew how you'd react, or because he didn't realise he needs your permission.

Original poster
badromance59 · 07/12/2021 15:18

[quote girlmom21]@badromance59 you don't trust him even though he openly let you see his phone.

I've been with DP 8 years and have never, ever looked through his phone. He's offered to let me in the past and I've always said no. If you're at that point you already don't trust him.

I don't think going for a drink with a friend is an issue. I'd assume he didn't tell you because he knew how you'd react, or because he didn't realise he needs your permission. [/quote]
I don't think at that point he was going to say yes there's something on there you won't like so went along with it hoping I wouldn't notice as he scrolled.
The drink I don't have a problem with just the concealment, I don't think he'd have come home and told me if he didn't have to in other words what I didn't know wouldn't have hurt me.

OP posts:
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