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Relationships

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Original poster

Inexperienced or not interested?

44 replies

Renibdsyi · 07/12/2021 09:44

I recently met someone who is 39. We got on great from day one and I really really liked him. We were honest about what we were looking for and he said he wanted to settle down and only wanted to date seriously and that he wasn’t into anything casual.

After a few weeks we’d gone for drinks and he said he’d not had a relationship beyond six months and that the last time he’d had sex was 7 years ago. I found this strange for someone who was apparently very keen to settle down.

A few months have passed, we’ve had sex and it was great, but other things have started happening that I’ve not experienced in a relationship before. We were in the car the other day and I said shall we book a long weekend in winter to stay at my family second home by the coast. He said he wasn’t sure when he could do that over the next few months as work was unpredictable. I wasn’t sure what to make of this as his colleagues have been taking holiday regularly. He’s in an identical role to them. I’ve left that conversation but it’s made me feel unsure.

More recently we were driving and he suddenly said he was looking forward to Christmas but he wasn’t allowed to stay in the family home as his family have strict ways of doing things. Apparently he’s never allowed to stay over. I know this is true as he finds it upsetting. Anyway I suggested I stayed at his for a few nights around Christmas, not on the day itself. He said he’d have to see what he was doing

I’m just feeling really confused I guess! Is he inexperienced or just not interested in me? I’ve never been with anyone like this who puts hurdles in the way. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 07/12/2021 10:16

If you're even wondering if he's not interested, leave. That question wouldn't come up in a relationship with a partner who was providing what you need in a relationship.

'My needs aren't getting met but maybe it's just because my partner is x/y/z' is just a way of minimising and explaining away incompatibilty.

Find someone who doesn't leave you feeling like you've got unanswered questions, especially around something so basic as 'Shall we spend this or that bit of time together?' What would happen if you had a real problem?

lovingtheheat · 07/12/2021 10:37

From your post, it comes across as him not being that interested to be honest. He is clearly saying no to your suggestions but does not appear to be suggesting anything himself. If I was being generous I'd think he has different expectations of a relationship, but if that is the case then it sounds like you're not really compatible and will both need to compromise. If you really like him a frank talk may help Re establishing expectations. Don't be bought by the he is looking for a serious relationship, you've no way of knowing if that is true at this stage.

Salayes · 07/12/2021 10:52

I’d interpret this as him being reluctant to do things that are more ‘couple-y’ than meeting up for dates and sex tbh. Having a long weekend away and spending time over xmas are the sorts of things some people see as more of a committed relationship thing (though personally I don’t! If you are both free at xmas and want company or want a nice weekend away doesn’t mean you’re now ‘serious’ about each other).

That could be the source of his reticence, but he also might just be inexperienced and not used to seeing someone he is involved with at Xmas or going away together.

Overall though, i’d lean more towards him not being up for anything too much more couple-y, especially as you’ve been seeing each other a few months now.

TheTrinity · 07/12/2021 10:52

I can see why his relationships have not lasted beyond 6 months, sorry. Maybe he's afraid of taking things further but I find his excuses lame. I don't even believe he wants to settle down or date seriously. If he has unresolved issues, would you want to stick around to support him through it if he wanted to work on them? If not I would cut my losses now before too long.

1Ta1T · 07/12/2021 11:39

Yes, I too can see why his past relationships haven't lasted but he might be worth investing time and trouble in so, rather than ask us, I suggest you ask him in as neutral a way and tell yourself not to over-react if you don't instantly like his responses. Relationships tend to be sub-optimal without good communication so, at the very least, it will be good practice for you both.

[I was (and probably still am) useless at important aspects of relationships - not on purpose, but my mind just works differently - but the one who persevered thinks (I think!) it was and is worth it.]

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2021 11:44

There's a reason, usually many, why a man, who claims they want a relationship, has been single for so long. Yes, you are massively wasting your time.

ilssagain · 07/12/2021 12:14

I think he has issues with commitment for whatever reason.
He sees things like spending time around Christmas together or going for a few days away as the relationship getting serious and he is perhaps feeling uncomfortable about it because he fears commitment or feels too many demands are being made on his time.

I think you are wasting your time here. You already know he's never had a relationship lasting longer than 6 months. He's 39 so there must be a reason/reasons why he has not had a single LTR in that time.
And now you've been with him several months and want to progress things by spending a long weekend away together and he starts to become evasive, making up excuses about work etc.

Just ditch him and move on. There is no way this is going anywhere.
And think about what you want from a relationship? What are you looking for? It doesn't sound like he is going to be able provide it.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 07/12/2021 13:58

Although you say you've slept together, have you spent a full night with him yet OP? Maybe he has some night-time habit he's reluctant for you to know about - possibly a bad snorer or a sleep walker?

Did he elaborate on why he's not allowed to stay over at the family home?

ParisPreMom · 07/12/2021 14:23

Family home business is definitely suspicious! At best he's future faking; at worst, he's married.

IgneousRock · 07/12/2021 14:28

The Christmas thing on its own wouldn't worry me - maybe he does need to check what his family etc are doing. However the weekend away does sound like he's making excuses. What is he like otherwise - does he seem keen and engaged, does he plan dates, see you regularly, contact you often etc?

ravenmum · 07/12/2021 14:30

His parents' home is off limits, but you've been to his home, right?

todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 14:41

He just seems a lot of effort. And no, he's old enough to have seen enough relationships around him to know how they work - so inexperience isn't an excuse. He's just not that bothered about being in one or making the effort for one. And at 39, he isn't going to have some sort of enlightenment that makes him a good life partner. If you can't even get him to go away on a weekend trip, what is the point of him in your life? If he isn't even planning on spending 1-2 days over the entire xmas period with you (and can't stay at home either) - he's clearly not that interesting in seeing/spending time with you.

You will only get haggard and worn down trying to coach an adult man into doing relationship things. Most women are probably smart enough to realise at the 6 month mark that this isn't going anywhere, and dump him. You should do the same.

mewkins · 07/12/2021 14:47

@TheTrinity

I think this is it. I suspect that after 6 months, his exes have wanted a bit more willingness to make plans etc and he has been flakey. He keeps repeating the same pattern. He has probably learned it from his weird family. They sound distant and he is used to keeping people at arm's length. You could try to address it but I'm not sure I could be arsed.

TheVanguardSix · 07/12/2021 14:52

Oh God. Run, Forrest, run!
I just think, at 39, you're not going to be able to unpack this with him and make it better. His track record speaks for itself. I think you'll soon find you're sorting out more misery than joy with this guy. He's an oddball with bad, bad, bad habits that aren't going to go away.

TheVanguardSix · 07/12/2021 14:55

Did he elaborate on why he's not allowed to stay over at the family home?

Yeah, the alarm bells are going off with this one, OP. That's just too weird. Either he's married or maybe there's some dark, dodgy family shit you don't want to be a part of. Whatever it is, it's deeper than his parents being just cold and weird. There's a backstory I bet.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2021 15:01

I'd assume he's spending Christmas with his wife

WhatMattersMost · 07/12/2021 15:02

You are involved with a man who is avoidant, and his describing Christmas in his family home hints at its roots.

Original poster

Renibdsyi · 07/12/2021 15:14

Hi didn’t realise there had been replies! So with his family basically they are reclusive. They go out as far as I’m aware to shops etc but the house is pristine and everything is ran to a tight timetable. I’ve visited once but we had to sit in the conservatory and it was all a bit weird. If we are late to visit then his dad gets upset/off with everyone and then later apologises (it’s clearly a mental health issue though none of the family will accept that).

My partner finds it hard he can’t stay over and it’s more just that it would disrupt their routine, from what I can tell. It upsets him but he just says he accepts it as it’s always been like that.

I guess if that has been his influence then he’s not likely to change. I’ve pushed the Christmas thing and said can we earmark a few days for us, and suggested a couple of dates and we could go to markets or have a day watching films or something. He just says he’s not sure what’s he’s doing this Christmas. There is no we or what we are doing this Christmas. I guess it’s still new ish relationship, it’s only been a few months but at almost 40 and claiming to want to settle down, I’d have hoped he would have been a little more receptive to being able to actually book a day in together that’s fixed and prioritised.

OP posts:

Original poster

Renibdsyi · 07/12/2021 15:18

@todaysdilemma

@todaysdilemma with the going away thing I am in two minds about it because I guess it’s not a big deal if we don’t do that. We spend a few nights a week together. I suppose the going to a hotel or air B and B is actually more of a commitment to time together which is what he doesn’t like to do. All our plans are regular and we see each other all the time but they pretty much exclusively are cooking, watching a film, going to a restaurant or going for a walk. No real mixing of family or friends or booking something in advance. It’s the strangest relationship I’ve ever been in! I have fallen for him a little though as I just love our conversation. That’s a big thing for me and I rarely find it :(

OP posts:

mewkins · 07/12/2021 15:40

I wouldn't let it drag on. You canvtest the waters about meeting up with friends etc but if he doesn't want to do those things and you do, it probably isn't going to work.

Are the conversations about personal things or external (politics etc). Does it feel like you really know him?

FinallyHere · 07/12/2021 16:02

This would drive me mad

Not wanting to commit to even a date on which to get together over the holiday season. This earlybinbthecrelatiobshio I would not care whether he just doesn't want to see me or there are some mental health issues. Either way, it wouldn't work for me.

I'm long past teenage angst in relationships. If you don't want my company, fair enough, I'll clear off.

Once you start making excuses this early on, where else can it go? Good luck.

ravenmum · 07/12/2021 16:15

I’ve pushed the Christmas thing and said can we earmark a few days for us, and suggested a couple of dates and we could go to markets or have a day watching films or something. He just says he’s not sure what’s he’s doing this Christmas.
You say you're pushing it, but you still sound really hesitant - saying "we could do this, or something" - rather than responding to "I'm not sure what I'm doing" with "What YOU're doing? Are you going to be alone, then?" then moving on to "If you haven't got time for a relationship, this is going nowhere."

Mermaidwaves · 07/12/2021 16:25

You see this here all the time, men who won't commit to a simple weekend away and are always vaguely 'busy', to make proper plans, I've been there with that too. Long term it makes you feel crap.

I would have a straight conversation with him and say its 6 months now, where is this going? If he remains vague or gives a load of BS but doesn't actually change then I would walk away, who needs to be wasting time with guys like this? You've only invested 6 months, dont give any more unless he can step up.

TheFoundations · 07/12/2021 16:36

I have fallen for him a little though as I just love our conversation. That’s a big thing for me and I rarely find it

Unless 'good conversation' is your entire list of requirements for a partner, then you need to step away from this one. 'Great conversation, no commitment, feeling confused, weird family set up, won't plan, doesn't talk about the future' is what you've got. Conversation is just one thing. You might as well say 'He treats me like crap, but he's the right height, and I so rarely find that...' Things need to be in the context of the general feeling of settled comfort he offers you, if you're looking for long term. He's missing on the very basics. You could meet a stranger in the pub and have 'great conversation' with them.

todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 16:44

I think you'll find the next 50 years of your life with someone as reclusive in his own way as his family very suffocating. Not being able to go away for a weekend will really grate on you - it's something friends do, hell I've done it with strangers for an activity. Has he never ever been on a weekend away with another person then?!Its really not a commitment, it should be something anyone gets excited about - quality time with their favourite person.

Clearly he has some deep seated issues at sharing his personal space in a relationship for extended periods of time... he isn't doing anything a good friend wouldn't. He just seems to be a bag full of emotionally avoidant tendencies and problems - none of which he has tried sorting in 39 years.

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