Inexperienced or not interested?

[Renibdsyi]

I recently met someone who is 39. We got on great from day one and I really really liked him. We were honest about what we were looking for and he said he wanted to settle down and only wanted to date seriously and that he wasn’t into anything casual.

After a few weeks we’d gone for drinks and he said he’d not had a relationship beyond six months and that the last time he’d had sex was 7 years ago. I found this strange for someone who was apparently very keen to settle down.

A few months have passed, we’ve had sex and it was great, but other things have started happening that I’ve not experienced in a relationship before. We were in the car the other day and I said shall we book a long weekend in winter to stay at my family second home by the coast. He said he wasn’t sure when he could do that over the next few months as work was unpredictable. I wasn’t sure what to make of this as his colleagues have been taking holiday regularly. He’s in an identical role to them. I’ve left that conversation but it’s made me feel unsure.

More recently we were driving and he suddenly said he was looking forward to Christmas but he wasn’t allowed to stay in the family home as his family have strict ways of doing things. Apparently he’s never allowed to stay over. I know this is true as he finds it upsetting. Anyway I suggested I stayed at his for a few nights around Christmas, not on the day itself. He said he’d have to see what he was doing

I’m just feeling really confused I guess! Is he inexperienced or just not interested in me? I’ve never been with anyone like this who puts hurdles in the way. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time.

I think all you can do is have frank conversation. You enjoy spending time but want things to progress eg weekends away and him and you both actively making plans. Is it what he wants? If he says yes but then doesn’t alter move on.

If I raise any of this (and I have) he says of course he’s committed because he spends all his free time with me. We spend a few nights a week together and so he seems to think that’s more than enough investment.

It is mind boggling to me as even when I was in my teens I had relationships that were more developed in the sense of seeing friends and family together and planning things around Christmas or new year. He makes me feel like I’m being needy.

You are not going to change him - and this is the start - this is the best it will ever be - the honeymoon phase.

So if you don't like feeling needy and worrying where you stand, I'd knock this on the head, and stop finding excuses for the way he is.

Your other option is to accept this is the way it's going to be, and stay. Knowing he will never plan a weekend away with you, and never be the one pushing to spend time with you on special occasions

I think you are worth more than that. Do you?

@Renibdsyi

Chuck this one back;take the unspoken advice from his exes who have clearly thrown him back into the dating pool after 6 months of this rubbish.

It sounds like both he and his family have some additional needs tbh;they tend to run in families so wouldn't be surprising if father and son have them.

You're wasting time that come be spent with someone who's willing to have a normal adult relationship who's family isn't as strange.

Then you just have different ideas of what commitment and a long term relationship involve. To him, it's a person you see a few days a week, and sleep with exclusively. Potentially even living separately for the entire relationship.

It isn't building a joint life together, making plans together, sharing friends and family or even working towards a common future. He is getting his needs met, this is all he wants from you. He has made it clear that this is all he offers for a relationship. If it's not what you want, walk away as you cannot change him. If no woman before you has managed to get these things out of him, don't sacrifice good years thinking you'll be the exception.

@Renibdsyi

If I raise any of this (and I have) he says of course he’s committed because he spends all his free time with me. We spend a few nights a week together and so he seems to think that’s more than enough investment.

It is mind boggling to me as even when I was in my teens I had relationships that were more developed in the sense of seeing friends and family together and planning things around Christmas or new year. He makes me feel like I’m being needy.

Tell him in a quite straightforward way that these are the things you want and need from a relationship. If he doesn't, then you are not compatible. I think you have to have these conversations knowing that you may not get the outcome you'd like. Eg be prepared to walk away. Surely at some point a man who can't get beyond 6 months I a relationship has to realise that if he keeps doing the same thing, he will get the same results.

He makes me feel like I’m being needy

Boundaries 101: Avoid anybody who makes you feel faulty.

In fact, that's pretty much all we need to learn, about boundaries.

I suspect the way he behaves is tied up with his clearly very odd family and no doubt strange and restricted upbringing. The fact that he hasn't sustained a relationship of more than six months or had sex for 7 years suggests that his behaviour has put a lot of women off in the past. Do you find his inability/unwillingness to make plans with you or step out of his comfort zone controlling @Renibdsyi? From your posts I can't work if he's a control freak (like his parents appear to be), or whether he's just clueless and doesn't realise that this is part of being in a relationship and moving it to the next level.

If you think it's the latter and you like him a lot OP I think you have to be absolutely straight with him. Tell him that in order for this relationship to work for you (and thus for him WITH you), he's going to need to step outside his comfort zone, make some plans, put dates in the diary for future events, and not expect that you will just conform to his idea of what a relationship is (spending nights together, cooking, watching TV, going for walks). It sounds like he lives in permanent Covid-world, where more interesting and varied options for entertainment simply don't exist, which is bad enough, but if you feel that there are control issues, I would walk away, however good the conversation and the sex is.

@zafferana thanks. I don’t think he’s controlling but he did actually say to me that I liked everything my own way…. This was when I got upset (probably in a childish way looking back) about not going away together. I said it wasn’t fair he kept deferring it and giving reasons why he couldn’t make it when his colleagues go away all the time. He said I like things my own way. I had literally said I would be happy to go anywhere just for a change of scenery and that he could choose and I was happy to pay (I’d had a bonus but neither of us were short of money).

I feel sad because I know deep down he’d enjoy these things as we’ve had a lot of fun when he has agreed to go out for the day somewhere. But as a poster said above, I don’t know how much more I can take of trying to encourage him to do very basic things.

It's interesting how he has twisted it back on you. To me, he sounds controlling. He doesn't like you suggesting things, especially things that advance the relationship. He sounds quite cold and distant in your descriptions of him.

If you take a step back, you have asked for a few very reasonable nice things: a short break that won't cost him much and a few days at Christmas. Neither are massive things or out of the ordinary in a relationship. How the fuck is he going to deal with major things in your relationship if he can't even sign up for these?

Ah okay, that's not good @Renibdsyi. In other words, you aren't willing to do everything HIS way, which is what he wants. You're challenging him, you're trying to push him to do stuff that YOU want to do and he's pushing back and in effect saying 'This is what I'm prepared to give you, take it or leave it'.

He's making you feel sad and needy after only a few months. Walk away OP. There are more fish in the sea. Fish that will want to share their lives with you and not just put you in a box and expect you to stay there until they're prepared to get you out to play with

I don’t think he’s controlling but he did actually say to me that I liked everything my own way…. This was when I got upset (probably in a childish way looking back) about not going away together. I said it wasn’t fair he kept deferring it and giving reasons why he couldn’t make it when his colleagues go away all the time. He said I like things my own way. I had literally said I would be happy to go anywhere just for a change of scenery and that he could choose and I was happy to pay (I’d had a bonus but neither of us were short of money)

Oh just get rid of him OP. Look at the effort you are making to "persuade" him to go away for a weekend. You say you'd be happy to go anywhere and he can choose and you will pay. No. No. No. Just no.
If you suggest going away after several months in a relationship and he starts making all kinds of excuses and telling you that you have to have things your own way, then he needs to be binned immediately.

A few months into a relationship, if someone is really in to you and it's going somewhere they'd be really excited by the idea of going away somewhere and even if there was some kind of work issue which meant it couldn't happen at a particular time, they'd be finding another time and pencilling it in.

He's making you feel sad and needy after only a few months. Walk away OP. There are more fish in the sea.

And I agree with this. I was in 2 relationships where I felt constantly sad and needy - or at least they kept telling me I was needy. If you feel sad and if you feel like you are being needy when you're not usually then something is off with the relationship.
Hate that fucking word needy anyway. My last ex used it all the time to bash me with - I wasn't needy (but felt it). I wanted him to communicate clearly about when/if he'd be home, what plans he had for the weekend etc. so that I could make my own plans. But no.... "needy".

I think he's been heavily influenced by his parents. As they go so far as to not allow their son to stay the night , god knows what other strange ideas they have.

He more than likely had a very odd childhood and possibly some of their way of living choices have rubbed off on him, making it difficult to maintain relationships.

Has he ever had counselling ? It sounds like he needs it.

OP, if it weren’t for his age, I would have thought you were describing a friend of mine, someone I worked with for years — he was in his 40s, the only child of rather odd, semi-reclusive older parents, and who had had only some brief relationships since his student days. His relationships always followed the same pattern — the women were always initially thrilled they’d found a treasure (attractive, solvent, intelligent, good job, a fascinating conversationalist). Then after a few months, it was obvious why he’d stayed single so long. He was the most ‘set in his ways’ person ever. He had a total horror of anything new, or committing to even the most innocuous outing with a friend, to something he was genuinely interested in. Work was the excuse for everything, when i did a more senior job while taking my annual leave and not working through weekends. Suggestions of living together by one woman were met with the excuse that his parents were old-fashioned and wouldn’t like it. I think he did think he wanted to ‘settle down’, but not if it involved change.

OP, I’d dump him.

He either already has a partner, which is why he can only see you infrequently, or he is not interested in doing things like trips or Christmas with you because he has no intention of committing to you long term and only sees you as a casual date.

Either way, he is obviously not the right guy for you.

@ChristmasFluff

You are not going to change him - and this is the start - this is the best it will ever be - the honeymoon phase.

So if you don't like feeling needy and worrying where you stand, I'd knock this on the head, and stop finding excuses for the way he is.

Your other option is to accept this is the way it's going to be, and stay. Knowing he will never plan a weekend away with you, and never be the one pushing to spend time with you on special occasions

I think you are worth more than that. Do you?

Please please listen to this. I wish I could turn back time and heed this advice.

He's not as interested as you in pursuing things and that's his choice. But he could at least have the bollocks to say but he won't because he wants you on the back burner . Never be someone's option ever good luck op.

We spend a few nights a week together and so he seems to think that’s more than enough investment
Maybe it would be, for someone else who also likes sitting in doing nothing much. But you like going out. He must be an incredible conversationalist to have you hanging on for so long despite this major incompatibility. Or you're very patient? I'd have given up after a couple of weeks!

He sounds exactly like his dad! You clearly are not compatible OP.